A/N: This is my first Supernatural fanfic! I made it simple with emotions and stories of monsters but no action. I'll have to practice my writing more before I write those. Anywho, please review ! I could really use the input, good or bad, to help me improve my writing and motivate me. :)

The fic skips between moments in their relationship, so the lines are the skips

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN SAM WINCHESTER HE BELONGS TO THE WRITERS OF SUPERNATURAL! THE OC, HOWEVER IS MINE.

This fic was inspired by the song Clarity by Zedd

There was an unspoken pain between them. The initial trauma of seeing each other again was a shock of cold, suppressed memories of laughter and long-gone hope flashing like an old movie film.

All the things of the past, dusty and pushed back in their minds were now surprisingly vivid. They weren't just fantasy anymore, no, they were real. So real that the long-forgotten pain came back in an instant; a scar irritated with livid agony.

They had been so selfish back then. Deciding that the monsters could wait just a while longer while they had their fun at the movies. Those murders and cold cases could bide their time while they cuddled underneath the scratchy covers of some unknown motel. It had been worth it for so long-

Until it just wasn't worth it anymore.

The tragedy of the past had hit her like a freight train. She had lost a close friend. A friend who had screamed in vain for help as some backwoods monster raked her into oblivion outside a late-night pub.

If they hadn't of waited...if they hadn't of been drowning in each other and living in the high of the moment, she would still be alive. Their selfish wants had cost someone a life.

And that's when they decided it had to stop. They had to part ways. Hunt alone because together they were too dangerous. Their feelings couldn't be reciprocated.

Now after years of being strangers to each other, they were face-to-face again. It was too late to turn back, too late to run.

Their emotions were clashing, crashing into each other at quantum speeds and it was only so long until they would drown in each other once more.

"Steph, I..." Sam started, his eyes so full of regret that he look almost ready to overflow.

He had changed so much since the last she had saw him. He was older, more hopeless. The light in his eyes had faded and his hair had gotten longer.

But he was still Sam. Her Sam. The Sam that had helped her learn the life when she was a newcomer, the Sam who had made her laugh so hard she'd cry, the Sam who had single-handedly won her heart.

"Sam...don't." She replied, voice a pained whisper. It was already getting hard enough to hold her tears back, she didn't need an apology. She didn't need pity.

She just needed him.

He didn't realize how much he had missed her voice until she had said his name. His heart squeezed with some long-gone emotion that was now flooding back so fast he felt short of breath.

No matter how much he had told himself he didn't need her over and over, case after case, vic after vic. He told himself he was better off without her and that the job would be so much easier if she were just gone, but it was all a big lie.

The days were dark without her, the cases more gruesome. There wasn't any hope, not anymore.

Not until she was standing there, right in front of him. There was something rising within him he hadn't felt in a long time and he knew that if they could be together- through the laughter, the tears, the anger, and the fights- he would be happy.

"I need you." he admitted after the long silence, sounding defeated.

She froze, eyes finally spilling over with hot tears. It was all coming out now, all of the pent-up pain and longing just spilling out of her in broken sobs.

His eyebrows furrowed with confusion and concern, closing the distance between them to wrap his arms around her tightly, holding her closely. She melted into him, wrapping her arms around him to grab his shirt in her balled fists, practically clinging to him. He closed his eyes and leaned his head down to touch hers.

"It'll be okay." he said softly into her hair. "I'm not leaving you. Not again, not ever."

"This is just like you! You think of no one but yourself, that's all you ever do!" He yelled, hands balled into angry fists.

"Oh I do, do I?!" she screeched back, voice shrill with annoyance. "And none of this is your fault, obviously, because you're just so innocent, Sam!"

"No, I don't have anything to do with this. You're the one who just cant let anything go! You always have to hold grudges!"

"I have my reasons, why don't you just deal!?"

"I've been dealing! I'm just sick of putting up with your shit, Stephanie! Just get over the fact that people die, okay!? They die and there's nothing you can do about it!"

The silence was deafening. Sam's expression faded from anger to concern, his hands relaxing. "We both made a mistake back then and I'm sorry she died, but she's gone, Steph. And feeling sorry for yourself or holding a grudge isn't going to bring her back." he said calmly.

"I know it won't." she started. "But it will keep me from screwing up again."

"Is that really what you think...?"

"It's all I have left to think."

She quietly packed her things, glancing over at Sam's sleeping form to make sure he wasn't awake. Being with him again had been everything she had wanted it to be, but it was too much. Every time she looked at him, she was instantly reminded of their mistakes. They were each other's weakness. Around each other, their judgement was off and people's lives were at stake.

It had to be done now. She had to leave in the dark of night without him knowing because if he tried to stop her...she knew that she'd stay.

Sam heard movement and opened his eyes slightly, squinting in the dark. He saw her packing and his heart dropped, immediately feeling hurt. She couldn't be leaving him. Is that how she really felt? Like she could just up and go and not be bothered?

"Steph..?" he asked softly, reaching up to turn on the bedside lamp.

She froze, then turned to face him, shame written all over her face.

"You...You're not leaving, right?" his voice sounded betrayed.

She couldn't blame him. What she was doing technically was betrayal and she hated herself for it, but she just couldn't do this. She couldn't be selfish.

"I can't..." she started, voice cracking with the weight of the tears that were filling her eyes. "I just can't do this anymore, Sam."

"Do what...?" he sat up, pushing the covers off.

"I can't be selfish anymore." she whispered, tears slipping down her cheeks.

"How are you being selfish?" he asked, standing and taking small, hesitant steps toward her.

"I chose to be with you again. That's selfish. I'm selfish." She explained shakily. Then, after seeing Sam's confused look, she added, "Don't you see? We're each other's weakness. If something happens we can't make the right choice because we blind each other, Sam..."

"No.." Sam replied, shaking his head. "We still make a great team. We save people-"

"We kill people." she stated. "We kill people because we could give two shits about anything else but each other. And I just can't do that anymore. I can't fight like this...I can't...I can't love like this anymore."

"What happened back then...it was our fault but we've learned from it. And I've learned to balance the job and my feelings for you. We'll manage."

"Will we? Or will our selfishness cost another life?"

Sam moved closer to her, gently caressing her cheek. "Being with the one you love isn't selfish. Doing one thing for yourself every once in a while won't hurt anyone."

"You really believe that?"

"I do."

"Okay." She whispered, finally feeling the weight of guilt and self-hate on her shoulders lessen as she looked up into his caring eyes.

"I'd be lost without you." he whispered back, gently tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear. "You're my one moment of clarity in this insane world of ours."

She smiled, knowing what he's saying because it's true for her, too. "I'm never going to leave. Not again, not ever."

He pulled her into a kiss for the ages. A kiss that has been a long time coming. One that makes her heart flutter like the first time she saw him and makes him feel like he's alive again. They are not two bodies but one, moving together in harmony with the mutual passion of their beating hearts.

Their hard and terrible past long forgotten, they melted into each other, becoming their own remedy to the sadistic, grisly tragedy that surrounded them.