Hold You Close

Disclaimer: I don't own L&O: SVU. All rights go to Dick Wolf and NBC.

Spoilers: Season 2, Episode 8 "Taken"

A/N: So batpiggy requested a prequel to my one-shot "Mother," so this is what I thought up. Eventual Cabenson

Summary: "Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." - Unknown

God, this has to be the worst day of my life. Detective Olivia Benson kept her head bowed slightly as she listened to Alex Cabot, SVU's ADA, detail what she needed to secure a warrant. Sitting next to each other on the blonde's couch in her office wasn't really helping her concentration, but it was keeping her from losing her composure.

"…and then I'll get a judge to sign a warrant. Detective?" the attorney looked up from her notes and frowned, noticing the slightly older woman's attention was elsewhere; she tried getting the brunette's attention again, "Olivia?"

The detective blinked and looked up, mentally shaking her head, "What was that last part, Alex? I zoned out there for a moment."

The attorney frowned slightly, "Go back and double-check the security tapes at the hotel."

"Right," the brunette smiled slightly, "I'll get right on it," she was mid-stand when Alex reached out and gently gripped her wrist. Sitting back down and turning back to the blonde, she frowned, "Something else, Counselor?"

"Is everything all right, Liv?"

Taken back by the question, the detective took a second to answer, "Uh," screw it, "no, not really. I…uh…" God, why can't I just say it? Because, she reasoned, saying it will make it real, "My mom died. She was drunk and fell down a flight of stairs near the subway." Alex didn't need to know her mom was drunk, but still, she had to say it. Maybe it was her growing attraction to the blonde, but she couldn't help but let her know. Besides, Alex had read her file; she knew how she was conceived. She didn't know that her mom was an alcoholic, but still.

To her surprise, Alex gently took her hands in hers, "If you need to talk, you can always talk to me, okay?"

She felt tears start to form behind her eyes, "Thanks, Alex," she stood, reluctantly pulling their hands apart, and headed for the door, "I'll be back for a warrant."

Two days later, Alex was once again greeted by the brunette detective's presence. The case had since closed; their rape victim wasn't much of a victim. The 23-year-old (who they'd all assumed was a teenager) was scheming to get money from a lawsuit and had actually planned the rape. So now, the sight of the brunette detective in a form-fitting black dress, standing in her office was a welcomed intrusion into the paperwork.

"Ready to go?" the brunette questioned, bringing her out of her musing.

"Yeah, just give a second." She was dressed in a light blue blouse and black dress slacks. She had agreed a few days earlier to escort the brunette to her mother's calling hours and then drive her home. Because I love her too much to let her suffer alone. She stood and walked around her desk, grabbing her black suit jacket from behind her chair and then her heavier winter coat from the coat rack, "Come on, let's go."

"Don't you need your briefcase," the detective asked, turning back to grab it.

Alex gently laid a hand on her arm, halting her movement, looking at her through her black-rimmed glasses, "Not tonight, Liv."

Friends of her mother had come. The squad had come to show support. She stood, greeting people as they walked past her mother's body, laying in the coffin and looking so peaceful, like she was sleeping. And through it all, Alex stood by her side. Like a co-worker and a friend, Benson. She'll never see you as anything else.

Three and a half hours later, she sat stoic in the attorney's car, as the blonde drove to her apartment. After finding a parking space, the attorney shut off and escorted her out of the car and together they headed into her apartment building. The detective gave a half-hearted grin once they reached her door, "Here we are," Alex looked up as the detective unlocked the door. Apartment 4D, "Geez, Counselor, you're getting to know everything about me today."

Alex followed the brunette into her apartment, a sad smile on her lips. Bending down to remove her heels, she spoke quietly to herself, "Not everything, Liv."

Olivia moved into her kitchen, while Alex passed her and headed into her living room. A worn couch was in the center of the room, a small stand beside it and a coffee table a foot or so ahead of it. A TV stood against the wall, resting on a sturdy oak stand.

"Do you want some wine?" the brunette asked from the kitchen.

She glanced over at the detective. Olivia looked worn out, like she was going to pass out any time, "Just a small glass, please."

A minute or so later, Olivia handed her a glass of red, and they made their way over to her couch, sitting down beside each other. Silence reigned for a few minutes, each occupied with the wine and their thoughts. With a sigh, Olivia set her wine glass on the stand beside her, and Alex followed in suit, placing hers in front of her on the coffee table.

"You know," Olivia started, looking at the blonde with a sad smile, "I feel like crying."

"Liv," the attorney said softly as she shifted on the couch to face the brunette, "you're grieving. You're allowed to cry."

Olivia slowly shook her head, "No. Not in front of…" she trailed off, looking down.

"You can cry, Liv," the attorney gently took one of her hands and rubbed it softly, "Please don't hold it in because you're afraid of seeming weak."

"I just…" the detective's voice cracked slightly, tears starting to pool behind her eyes, "She was my mom, Alex. Growing up, it wasn't all that bad until she started to drink, and then there were days when she drank and days when she was sober. It was mostly verbal abuse and there was only one time she got physical. I kicked her twice. The second time, she went flying into the wall," she glanced at the attorney before returning her gaze to her lap, feeling a wave of guilt overwhelm her, "And it took a long time for us to actually have a functioning relationship; these last few years were probably the best, at least the best before she started to drink, but," Olivia stopped again, tears starting to fall down her cheeks. She went to wipe them away, but Alex beat her to it, gently swiping long, delicate fingers across her face.

"But what," Alex softly urged her.

"But she was my mom. You shouldn't have to be here when I grieve."

"Liv," Alex gently cupped her face, their eyes meeting softly, "I want to be here. I want to be here with you."

"Alex…"

"Please, Liv," the attorney looked at her with tears in her eyes, "you don't have to be strong for me. Let go."

When Olivia opened her eyes, she was met with cool moonlight shining through her living room window and the feeling of a warm body behind her, legs tangled together and a warm arm around her waist, holding her tight. Blinking back her tiredness, snippets from the night before started to come back to her. Breaking down in Alex's arms; lying down on the couch with Alex holding her. They'd fallen asleep like that. And for the first time in what seemed like forever, the detective felt calm and safe when in someone's arms. Her next thought came unbidden: Shit, I hope she isn't uncomfortable! She immediately tried to shift away from the blonde in an attempt to make her more comfortable but was shocked when the attorney's arms tightened slightly.

"Mmm," the attorney breathed out slightly, and it was clear to the detective that the blonde was half-asleep, "don't go, Liv. I like you here."

She settled back against the attorney and heard her sigh slightly. She chuckled quietly, "Better, Counselor?"

The attorney's voice was slurred with sleep, "Go back to sleep, Liv."

Olivia smiled softly, "I will," her voice broke softly as she continued, "Thank you."

Alex pressed a light kiss to the back of her neck, "Love you."

Olivia felt her heart skip a beat, even though she knew that the attorney was barely awake, "Love you too."

Alex's hot breath tickled her ear, drawing her from her thoughts.

"Hm?" she turned towards the blonde, a ghost of a smile on her lips, "Did you say something?"

"You've been quiet since we left the cemetery."

The funeral had been rough, and Alex speculated that maybe falling asleep together on the detective's couch hadn't been a good thing. So now, at two in the afternoon, sitting once again on Olivia's couch, the only thing that the attorney wanted to do was get Olivia to open up.

"I don't know if I can do this."

"Do what?" the blonde questioned.

"Be friends with you."

"What?" Alex's body froze in shock, "What do you mean…"

"Last night," Olivia said, cutting her off, "You told me you loved me."

"You told me you loved me back," Alex answered.

Olivia turned to her and arched an eyebrow, "How do you know that if you were asleep?"

"I wasn't."

"Why did you tell me you loved me?" the detective asked, desperation in her voice.

"Because I do love you."

"Alex…"

"I'm not playing games, Liv. I've loved you for a long time."

"And you wait until after my mother dies to tell me?"

Alex felt her anger start to simmer, "I didn't plan it that way! It just happened!" she snapped.

"I don't want your pity, Alex!" Olivia answered, her own anger rising.

"This isn't pity!"

"Really? Then what…"

Alex cut her off, grabbing her face in her hands and bringing their lips together for a kiss. When they pulled apart minutes later, Alex spoke, "It's love. I've loved you since the first day we met. Your mother dying is tragic, but I was planning on telling you."

"And what do you want? I don't do relationships, Alex. I'm no good at them."

The attorney held her hands gently, "I want you to give us a try. I know that you feel the connection too. We're good together."

Olivia looked down at their hands before she looked up into the warm blue eyes that she loved, "Okay. We'll give this a try. But right now, could we settle on ordering some Chinese food? I'm starving."

Alex smiled, "Sure."

A/N: Well I hope you enjoyed the prequel, batpiggy and everyone else! I was going to make it a little longer but decided against it. Please don't forget to review. Thanks so much for reading.

Hime no Kowai Shumi