TITLE: Don't Tell Qui-Gon(Part 1/1)
AUTHOR: Michelle Kenobi
E-MAIL: ZincOxideGirl@Yahoo.com
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RATING:
CATEGORY: Song fic, or humor
TIMING: Pre-TPM, does it matter?
ARCHIVE:
KEYWORDS:
DISCLAIMER: George owns the characters. I own some toys that I stick in a box in the closet, but I don't make any money off of any of this. Kander and Eb wrote "Cabaret."
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Taken from the musical Cabaret, in which Sally Bowles implores guests not to snitch to her mummy that she's a sleazy night club singer. Originally called "Don't Tell Mama." I suppose it's only funny to those who know the song. Cabaret fans will love this!
SUMMARY: Obviously, the song's put to a little twist ;-) How would the mischievous Obi-Wan sing this? Hmm…
DON'T TELL QUI-GON
Band plays polka-ish/brassy music, as Obi-Wan dances on to the stage with a sexy glint in his eye. Band stops, and the piano man's finger's fly over the keys in one slow swoop until they reach the pinnacle of the introduction. Pause…Obi-Wan looks out over the dark room, his eyes half-closed, grinning slyly. He begins to speak the words very slowly, and rhythmically.
"Qui-Gon… thinks I'm staying in the Temple.
Our secluded little Temple… in the heart of Coruscant.
Qui-Gon… doesn't even have an inkling…
That I'm singing in this night club…
In a pair of lacy pants…"
He points to a giggling man in the audience. Obi-Wan sings.
"So, please, Sir… If you run into my Master.
Don't reveal my indiscretion…
Give a Padawan… a chance__________!"
As he begins the next line, the song style becomes upbeat with a 1920's Charleston feel to the tune.
"Hush up! Don't tell Qui-Gon!
Shush up! Don't tell Qui-Gon!
Don't tell Qui-Gon, whatever you do!
If you had a secret
You bet, I would keep it
I would never tell on you!"
"You wouldn't want to get old Qui-Guy mad now,
and have him go and cut my braid, and make me Sith chow!
So please my wookie cookie, I may be a rookie
But I plan to be Jedi Kniiiiiiight!
You can tell my brother, that's okay.
He's just a moisture farmer anyway,
But don't tell Qui-Gon what you know."
Heavy drums as he shakes his patootie around the stage. He starts to walk out into the audience as several male and female dancers (dressed just as sexily) come out on stage and begin to dance enthusiastically. They all sing along with Obi-Wan in this next verse.
"Qui-Gon, thinks I'm on a tour of Naboo
With a couple of my school chums, and a Jedi chaperone.
Qui-Gon, doesn't even have an inkling, that I ditched 'em all back in Theed
And am 'touring' on my own.
So please, Sir. If you run into my Master,
Don't reveal my indiscretion.
Just leave 'well enough' alooooone."
"Hush up! Don't tell Qui-Gon!
Shush up! Don't tell Qui-Gon!
Don't tell Qui-Gon, whatever you do!
If you had a secret
You bet, I would keep it
I would never tell on you!"
"I'm breaking ever promise that I gave him,
In exchange for a silky thong and robes of satin,
So let's trust one another,
Keep this from 'Big Brother'
Though my dance is not against the laaaaaw!
You can tell the Senator, here and now,
'Cause he's Darth Sidious anyhow.
But don't tell Qui-Gon what you saw."
"You can tell old Yoda, that ain't grim,
'Cause if he squeals on me, I'll squeal on him.
He points to Yoda who is sitting in a booth in the corner sucking down a bottle of Tequila. Yoda notices everyone is staring at him and waves nervously.
But don't Tell Qui-Gon what you saw.
You can tell dear Padme, no heartache
'Cause she likes to see my booty shake!"
Padme, sitting at one of the front tables cheers and stuffs a dollar down his pants as he passes.
"But don't tell Qui-Gon, ladies.
Don't tell Qui-Gon, babies.
Don't tell Qui-Gon what you know.
Brassy music and drums as Obi-Wan tiptoes to the stage as he whispers "Shhh," "Shhh". He finally reaches the chair onstage and sits down on it innocently. He whispers:
If you see my Master, mums the word!"
End song. He poses seductively on his chair.
Loud applause, Padme and Yoda throw roses on stage lovingly.
THE END
