Magnus.
Magnus Bane.
That sparkly Downworlder who saw into my soul last night. How can a Downworlder, a warlock, affect me so much? I mean I'm a Shadowhunter, I am supposed to fight them. I am not supposed to like them. I am not supposed to get their phone numbers. And I am definitely not supposed to have dreams of him and me alone, in his colorful bedroom. That was such a nice dream though… NO, NO, NO! I will not think of him. What the hell is wrong with me? Alec Lightwood. That's me. A Shadowhunter. I am a Shadowhunter. Shadowhunters do not have relationships with warlocks. They do not think about them that way. We are not supposed to be in love with our parabatai either. But I am. Damn, I'm so screwed up.
Jace. Am I betraying him? By thinking about Magnus? I've pledged my loyalty to Jace. So I can't think about Magnus. But when Magnus winked at me. Really whenever Magnus looked at me I was happy. Jace never looks at me like that. When Magnus even spoke I felt like I could fly. Isn't that what's supposed to happen when you like someone? How come that doesn't happen with Jace?
No. No.
I love Jace. Jace, Jace, Jace. I have always and will always love Jace. Jace is my everything. Jace.
Jace is straight though. And now he likes that red headed Clary. God, I hate Clary. I HATE CLARISSA FRAY! She stole Jace from me. She's captured his interest. I've seen the way they look at each other. It makes me sick. Jace can't like Clary. Jace has to love me. I've been there his entire life. Doesn't that count for anything? She's been there for about 3 weeks. I've been around for years.
Where's my happily ever after? Did everyone just forget about Alexander Lightwood? Am I not good enough for anyone to love? I protect everyone. I'm strong. I'm tough. Oh, who am I kidding? I haven't even killed a demon. And everyone knows.
Whenever I close my eyes Magnus is there. I see him everywhere I look. A few minutes ago Hodge walked by muttering to himself about wolfsbane in his greenhouse and I jumped about a foot in the air. All because someone said bane. Jeesh, I'm pathetic.
I really like Magnus. But I'm in love with Jace. Jace versus Magnus. Magnus versus Jace. I just closed my eyes again. Guess what was there. A gorgeous pair of cat eyes watching me.
I think Magnus won.
I should call him. I have his number. I want to. But I won't.
Why, you may ask?
Because I am a Shadowhunter.
Because I am a coward.
And because I am supposed to be in love with Jace Wayland.