I hate this day and it has barely even started. I hate all days, but this day just seems to be worse. I know it'll be million times worse when I'm at school school. I'm so invisible there. It's kind of funny that they don't notice me. My bright red curly hair must stand out. But then again, I'm very short.
The reason why this day sucks is because I feel like nothing went well this morning. And if the day starts that way, somehow the rest of the day will be just as bad.
It's the end of January, so thankfully I'll be out of this school soon. But I have no idea what I'll do then. That makes me feel really desperate sometimes.
The walk from my house to my high school is not very long, but today it feels very, very long and tormenting. When I finally step inside the school, I feel exhausted and the day hasn't even stated yet. I try to walk to my locker, but it's hopeless since everyone is just rushing all around me and pushing me around since I'm so small. I feel like giving up and lying down on the floor, but of course I can't do that. I push my way through the crowded hall to my locker and I feel even more exhausted.
The rest of the day is just as difficult. I feel like the teachers are being annoying and classes last longer than usually. I avoid looking around like always, because I don't like seeing other people with friends when I'm so lonely.
The only class that I can tolerate today is art. I always enjoy drawing and painting. It helps me relax and get my mind off things. Art is the last class and I'm more than ready to go home. I want to bury myself under a blanket and listen to music. Maybe I'll cry, maybe not. Some days I feel like there's no stopping the tears and some days I can stop it before it really starts.
I quickly rush to my locker and open it. A piece of paper falls out. It could be one of my drawings or some random paper, but when I pick it up, I notice that it has 'Clary' written on it. I don't write my name like that to my drawings and it's not even my handwriting. I'm so desperate to go home that I just put it in my bag and shut the locker.
The walk home feels long once again, but this time it's because of the mysterious piece of paper. I walk faster and soon reach my house. My mom is probably painting like usually since that is her job, so I just go straight to my room without bothering her. I sit on my bed and take the paper out of my bag. The curiosity is killing me, so I unfold the paper and start reading.
Dear Clary,
I've been watching you for a while now and I've thought of writing this before, but I always back down. But today you looked like you really needed someone. You always look like you need someone. I know you think that no one notices you, but I do. I couldn't stand to see you look so sad. I wish I could make you feel better. And I intend to to that from now on. At least I'll try. I know how you like music since I see you listening to music during lunch, and when you arrive or leave school. (I might sound like a stalker, so I hope you're not freaked out. 'Cause I don't stalk you.) So, I made you a playlist of songs that might cheer you up, the link is at the end of this letter. I'll write you soon again, not just when you're having a bad day. I want you to feel like you have someone and that you're not completely alone. So, the next time you feel alone or sad at school, remember that I might be near and you're not alone.
Your guardian angel.
I read the letter over and over again. I can't believe someone actually notices me and has noticed so many things about me. I don't know if I should be freaked out or touched. I guess I'm a little bit of both. This person could be anyone. I can't figure it out who it might be, because I never see anyone even looking at my way. I do know that I need this. I need someone. I'm tired of handling it all on my own. When I have a bad day or I feel sad, I always need to be there for myself. There's no one who could console me. My mom spends too much time with her art. Of course I understand that she feels like the paintings need to be perfect, so I never bother her with my problems.
I used to have friends. First it was just me and Simon. I thought nothing could separate us and that we would always be best friends. Then Isabelle came to our school and stole Simon's heart. We got along well at first. Isabelle became my friend and Simon's girlfriend. I was fine with it. But then Isabelle wanted to be one of the populars. Isabelle was sure that me and Simon could come with her. I wasn't so sure. I was sure that they were going to laugh in my face if I'd try to join them. Isabelle hung out with them anyway and so did Simon.
It was awful after that. I felt more and more alone every day. Eventually I got used to it, but there are moments when I start to think about everything and I don't know what I should do when the tears just keep falling. Just remembering all that and after having a bad day, makes me cry.
This person who wrote the letter seems to care about me. I don't think it's some kind of prank. I don't want to even think that it would be. S/he even made me a playlist, which I should check out so I can see that it's not full of some crap or if this person is actually serious.
I take my laptop and go to the page written on the letter. It is an actual playlist. It's made by a user named 'YourGuardianAngel'. As I look through what's on the playlist, I see that I know some of the songs. It doesn't look bad. I connect my earphones to my computer and lie on my bed.
I forget about everything as I lie there for the rest of the evening and listen to the songs. They all have very encouraging and comforting words. It's like s/he has really put some thought into this. The songs make me feel better, because I feel like someone would be actually singing them to me. It's like someone would be consoling me.
The next morning I feel a bit better. I'm really tired though. My dreams were so messy and full of different people who the 'guardian angel' could be. I can't even stop thinking about it in my dreams! At least it's giving me something else to think about. I wonder if there will be a new letter in my locker today.
The playlist is playing on my laptop as I dress myself and put some makeup on. I listened it twice last night. Today I'm actually somewhat excited of going to school. I want to see if I can figure out who it can be and I want to see if there's going to be another note.
I quickly eat breakfast and then go to school. As I near the school, I once again start feeling uneasy, lonely and sad. Sure, I am excited of this mysterious person putting a note in my locker, but s/he is not actually there with me. It's just some person who watches me and for some reason decides to not come talk to me. Why isn't s/he coming to talk to me? Is s/he embarrassed to be seen with me? Because that is not making me feel any better.
I'm glad I was eager to come to school today, because I'm early and I'm not being pushed around by people rushing to their classes. I doubt that there's any note in my locker since it's so early. And there isn't. But there's still time.
After my third class I go to my locker and am so happy to see a paper fall down. I pick it up and put it in my bag. I can't read it during class, so I'll read it during lunch.
I can't concentrate on anything in class. I just need to read the letter! Finally when it's lunch I sit at the same table I always do and avoid looking around. It doesn't make me very happy to see that I'm probably the only person sitting alone.
I take the paper out of my bag and start reading.
Dear Clary,
I hope you liked the playlist and I hope it made you feel even a little bit better. You're probably reading this during lunch since you can't read it in class. It makes me sad to see you sit alone. I wish I could come sit with you, but I'm stuck with these idiots. I'm probably right now watching you while you read this. (Again, I hope I'm not freaking you out.) When someone is not trying to talk with me about something that I have not interest in, I look at you. You're not as invisible as you think, at least not to me. I think you stand out very well with your red hair. I like it. I feel like to me everyone else is just blur and you stand out. If I would be an artist like you, I would paint everyone else blurry and with faint colors. I would paint you really sharply and with very vibrant colors. But unfortunately, I'm not as good as you. Actually, I'm really bad at art. I hope you're having a better day today. Even if I am near, I don't think you would recognize me if you'd look around. You don't even know my gender. Okay, maybe I will tell you that I'm a guy. Maybe I'll give you a hint in every letter. Maybe not. Maybe I'll reveal myself when I'm ready. I will write to you soon again. Even if I wouldn't write you someday(s), don't be sad. I'm always here and thinking about you.
Your guardian angel
At least I now know that it's a guy. I lift my head and try to look for him. There are just so many people in here right now. I have no idea who it could be. I feel like I want to paint that picture he described, about how I'd stand out and everyone else would be blurry. Maybe I can do that in art, if we don't have anything particular that we need to do. I wonder how he knows that I'm good at art.
I don't have time to eat much since I'm looking around trying to see if anyone is looking at my way. No one is. It's driving me crazy, but at the same time I'm feeling excited. Some guy actually likes me, kind of. I don't know if he has a crush on me or if he just wants to be my friend.
Classes go by while I'm thinking about the mystery guy and not concentrating at all on what's going on in any of the classes. Then it's time for art. I'm already planning on at least drawing the scene in my head. But then the teacher completely ruins it. She tells us how we have to draw portraits of each other with the person next to us. I have never even paid attention to who sits next to me in this class. I'm completely in my own world in this class.
I turn to look at the person and see the golden eyes of Jace Herondale. Oh no. This should be a dream come true to me, to be able to draw this beautiful person, but I'm afraid that my pen is going to shake and it's just not going to be good. I've always liked Jace. I have just had so many problems and I have not felt so good lately. And I never really pay attention to anyone anymore while I'm at school.
"Do you want to draw first?" Jace asks. He's surprisingly friendly. He's even smiling at me. I always thought that all of those popular people would be really rude to me.
"Yes, I'll go first." I feel like I should be really proud of myself because my voice didn't waver and I actually sounded normal. I'm really nervous around him.
Jace turns in his seat so he's facing me and I start drawing his face. Why can't he look somewhere else? Does he have to stare at me like that? It's hard to draw and keep my hand stable when I can see and feel his eyes on me. I somehow manage to draw him, but it's not one of my best. Some lines could be more straight and it just could be better. It might be better if I could paint it. I'd only use different shades of gold since pretty much everything about him is gold.
"Your turn," I say when I'm finished.
"I'm sorry in advance that this not going to be good," Jace says and starts drawing me. I just smile and sit still. I don't stare at him so intently as he stared at me. I look at something behind him, but I can still feel his eyes on me. It doesn't take long for Jace to finish his drawing.
"I don't know if I want to show this to you," he says and lets out a laugh as he's looking down at his drawing.
"I won't show you mine then," I say. It's only fair. I'm not so proud of my drawing either.
"Fine," he says and shows me his drawing. That was easy. I look down at his drawing and I have to bite my lip so hard so I won't start laughing or let it show that I find it amusing. I'm usually not conceited, but I think I drew better than Jace when I was seven. It doesn't really even look like a face. I think my hair looks about right. It's usually quite fuzzy.
I can't help the small laugh that escapes me.
"I'm sorry," I say and can't keep a straight face anymore. Thankfully Jace just grins back.
"It's really bad, isn't it?"
"Yes. Sorry."
"Well, I'm sure yours isn't that bad," Jace says and I'm not so amused anymore. I take the drawing and show it to him. I don't even want to see the look on his face when he sees it, so I look away. I'm getting nervous as Jace just stays silent.
"That's really good. Can I keep it?" I lift my head to look at him and see that he's staring down at the drawing amazed.
"It's not really my best," I say.
"If this is not your best, then I'd like to see what is."
"It's still not good."
"Can I have it?" It's like he's trying to hypnotize me with his eyes.
"Sure." I hand him the drawing.
"Thanks. Do you want mine?" he asks and grins. He hands me the drawing and I take it.
"Thanks." Jace's hand is still stretched out and he's looking at me like he can't believe I took it.
"I didn't actually mean to give it to you."
"I know. I want it so I can look at it whenever I want to laugh."
"Then it's okay," he says and smiles. I quickly smile back and turn to look at my desk. I realize that I could now start drawing the scene. No matter how much I'd love to talk with Jace, I decide to leave him alone. He was probably just nice because we had to draw each other. I wouldn't want to bother him by trying to talk to him.
I start drawing the cafeteria full off blurry people. I draw the the table where I sit at and then draw myself sitting there. When I look at the finished drawing, I see how sad it looks. Even though everyone else is blurry, you can still see them sitting with someone else. I should have done this at home. Now is not the time of feeling sad and like I'm about to cry. I don't want to cry in front of all these people.
"Are you okay?" I suddenly hear Jace ask. Is he talking to me? I turn to look at him and see that he's looking at me concerned. I can feel that my eyes are glistening with tears, but I can hold them back. I don't remember the last time someone would've asked me that.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I answer and manage to smile.
"Well, if you're not fine, you can always look at the drawing." He probably means the one he drew, because my drawing did not make me happy at all. I see the drawing next to my sad one and it still manages to make me laugh. I don't have to force the smile this time as I look at the drawing that may as well be drawn by a toddler.
I turn to look at Jace again.
"It does work. Thanks."
"You're welcome," he says and smiles. I have to look away, because the look on his face is so... I don't even know what it is. I don't know why he's looking at me like that.
The class ends and I'm so thankful. This was a very long hour. And very eventful. Well, it was eventful compared to my normal days when nothing new happens.
I once again want to go home and lie on my bed and listen to music. Maybe I'll listen to that playlist again.
"Bye," Jace says as he walks by me and out of the classroom. I don't have time to answer him. I don't even know if he was talking to me.
I walk out of the classroom and see Jace with his friends. I can also see Isabelle and Simon there. I could think that if they could be friends with Simon, they could be friends with me too. But maybe I don't want to be their friend. They don't seem like really nice people. I sometimes see some of them bullying someone and saying mean things. I also don't think that I would want to be Simon's friend again since he so easily abandoned me.
I have to walk past them when I walk out of school. I don't look at them, I just quickly hurry past them. I need to go home and think about my mysterious 'guardian angel' and why Jace was so nice to me.
Did you like it? Or hate it? Do you want more? Let me know :)
I don't think this is going to be very long. I think the idea of the story is like that, that there can't be that many chapters. But we'll see.