Sacrifice of Life
By EmptyWord

Author's Notes: The terrible title is due to my lack of creativity. The story is due to the lack of Saitou/Okita stories and my unhealthy obsession with them. I warn you, the characters may be a little out of character, especially Okita, who I can't really picture as being so obsessed with Saitou. Other than that, not so very bad for a first attempt...

Disclaimers: Rurouni Kenshin is the property of Nobuhiro Watsuki, Shueisha, SPE Visual Works, Anime Works, and others I may have missed. I don't have any claim on them.

"My life, if Thou preserv'st my life,

Thy sacrifice shall be."

--Joseph Addison (1672-1719), in his poem, "How Are Thy Servants Blest"

The tall man entered the room, his movements stiff and not as fluid as he would have liked. In his arms rested a limp, bloody body, a small form cradled to his breast. Behind him followed a group of anxious, wide-eyed men, all wearing the striped blue haori of the Shinsengumi. These were the troops that daily patrolled the perilous streets of Kyoto, the ones who confronted and ruthlessly destroyed all danger. They were men who had killed innumerable people and grown cold to the act. Yet, as they filed into the small room, all of their eyes reflected a worried, fearful look.

One man spoke up, his shaky words bursting into the tension. "I will go report to Hijikata-san and Kondou-san...about this." He cast one more uneasy glance at the body in the tall man's arms and hurried away. The tense, silent hallway outside was witness to his hurried steps as they faded into the darkness.

Saitou Hajime strode to the futon in the corner of the room and gently lowered the body in his arms. As he straightened, he paused briefly, gazing down at the young man who had been here just last night, talking and worrying, a young man who would never open his eyes again.

His eyes narrowed slightly, catching sight of the letter that lay surreptitiously on a shadowed kotatsu nearby. It was a familiar kotatsu, the one he always sat at whenever he had the time to visit this room and play chess with the young man now lying bleeding on the futon. The letter was addressed to him.

"Enough," Saitou murmured, turning to face the others. "He is gone. There is nothing more to be done for him." He took one step towards the open shoji in an unmistakable command, and the men all shuffled out to retire to their various rooms and ponder the earth-shattering events of this night.

Saitou remained in the room, in quiet contemplation. Slowly, he reached for the letter on the kotatsu. What have you to say to me, Okita-kun, that would excuse this foolishness of yours? He unfolded the letter.

Dearest Saitou Hajime,

I am emboldened to speak these words as the end draws near. In the blessed silence of oblivion, your eyes will not come to haunt me, your voice will not echo. I can be free, I hope, of an intangible emotion called love. For it is love that has subdued me, enthralled me, rendered me powerless in the mighty face of its awesomeness. I have tottled on behind it, as a slave will trudge behind its master, ignoring the fact that it belongs to its master, but still unwillingly subject to its master's every whim.

Yes, even I, the undefeatable, have become the slave to love.

Do not say that you can defeat me. Your name has become synonymous with that of love. I have never been able to defeat you. Every time I look into your amber eyes, I am caught in their golden pools, forgetting the weight of my sword or the swipe of yours as it writes my death sentence. You always stop before you can really hurt me.

"What's wrong?" you ask, sensing my turmoil perhaps. "You're not paying attention."

I once answered, "I can't." It has always been this way.

I can't pay attention. And it's not just your eyes. Your movements distract me too, the swiftness of your limbs, the grace of your swings and arcs, the strength of your leaps and lunges. I cannot concentrate. I cannot hurt you. I would suffer a million death strokes before I let you lose a single droplet of blood. I would bear every burden if it would ease your life just a fraction. I would give you all the world if you asked for it. But I will not let you leave me.

You came to my room last night to tell me about the spy and about the assignment. "We have a leak," you said, in that cold, impeccable way that drives everyone insane. I love it. "Okita-kun..." You hesitate and I stare at you in surprise. I have never known you to be afraid to say anything. You have always done your duty regardless of your emotions or your state-of-mind. It's what makes others fear you, but it also makes you a great captain.

You look into my eyes with that harsh, golden gaze and I find myself grabbing desperately at the vestiges of sanity left to me. I cannot tear my eyes away.

"Hijikata-san has asked me to find the Battousai and kill him, however long it takes and at whatever cost."

My heart freezes in dread. "You cannot mean to go alone?" Both of us have faced the Battousai separately before, and we are the only two of his opponents who remain living. In fact, I would have died that night had it not been for your intervention. I had been unwell that night, weaker, and was in no condition to cross swords with Battousai. And even you were hard-pressed to survive, prepared though you were for the Battousai's attacks. To hunt a killer like Battousai is to hunt for death.

Your eyes harden to a glare. You would rather die before you backed down from a challenge. Sometimes, I wish you didn't possess such insufferable pride. "If I bring a troop with me, or more, what good will it do? He will kill them all without a second glance and they will only hinder me. No, I go alone."

"No!" I cry out, panic gripping me in its icy hold. I won't let you die. I won't let you go alone. "I will go with you, Saitou-san."

You look away. "You will stay and find the spy. You will then deal with him as he deserves."

My fists clench. "I certainly will not—"

"Okita Souji!" you bark. "You will do your duty as First Captain of the Shinsengumi. And I will do mine."

I stare at you, my eyes wide. You see, Saitou-san, I am not like you. I cannot control my emotions as you do. I cannot put duty before all else, not before you and your safety.

"All right," I whisper. "Take care." But I won't just let you walk alone into the jaws of death. I will let Hell loose before I willingly watch you die. And if death were imminent, then I would take your place. Death will never find its way to you until it faces me first.

So I went immediately to Hijikata Toshizou to beg him to retract his orders. I pleaded for him not to make you seek out the assassin. I made myself the fool for you.

Hijikata-san refused. He said the Battousai needed to be wiped from the picture, and if we continued to delay, matters would get out of hand. As if they weren't already out of hand. But I don't blame Hijikata-san. He is only doing what he must, his duty.

It is our misfortune to be born in this blood-soaked era. Nothing is right in war, and nothing is fair. There is only duty and death, leaving no room for love.

I can't stay with you anymore, Saitou-san. Fate has refused me that luxury. One of us must go, and like I said, I won't let you die.

I told Hijikata-san that I would go in your place. He protested, but in the end, I convinced him that you would be better at finding the spy. You are the more observant one, after all.

So I will go, Saitou-san. I know I send myself to death. I am no match for him, not in my sickly state. But I can wound him enough for you to finish him off. You will come after me, I am sure, to save me from whatever folly I have brought unto myself. You will be too late. Too late to save me, that is. Not too late to fulfill your duty and destroy the Battousai for good.

Don't ever blame yourself for being too late though. This is my choice. I am sick anyway, already deathly sick. These days my coughs bring forth blood, and I find myself drowning in dizziness on occasion. The doctor predicts the worst. I would rather die fighting at the Battousai's sword than by some haunting, unseen force that strips my breath from me.

I don't have much to give you, Saitou-san. Not even my love have I to offer you once I descend into the darkness. But this will be my last gift, my last sacrifice, and then I rest in peace.

I give you life, a second chance. And if there is one thing I will demand of you after all these years, it is to make the most of this chance.

I want you to be happy. I want you to live peacefully and happily with your wife and children, free from all troubles and worries. I want you to get through the Bakumatsu alive and unharmed, resurfacing with the new era to find this better life.

At the brink of death, I give you my last breath of life.

--Okita Souji

The golden eyes lifted from the paper to rest on the lifeless body lying supine on the bed. Okita Souji looked even more gentle and serene in death than in life. There was no smile on his bloodied lips, as there had always been, for his mask was gone now. His eyes were gently closed and peace bathed his figure in a soft glow, despite the blood that stained his pale features and pooled around his petite, sleeping body.

With no one else nearby to hear or see, Saitou relaxed his tight control over his emotions. He reached down slowly with a hand that trembled ever so slightly if one were watching closely.

"Okita-kun, you fool," he murmured, wiping some of the blood from the young man's face and smearing the rest across his lips and cheeks.

"You overestimate me. I was too late to save you but also too late to kill the Battousai. He escaped. You gave your life, your breath, all of you, for this?" The harshness was gone from Saitou's eyes. In its place were endless depths of pain. But there was also a glint of tenderness, or as akin to tenderness that Saitou Hajime would allow himself to feel.

Okita Souji had been one of precious few that Saitou could call a friend. They had respected one another. Moreover, they had trusted on another, in these dark times of wariness and suspicion, when every second was fraught with peril and the next step one took could be the last, betrayed by a close friend or ally.

Remorse filled him. He had suspected long ago that Okita harbored other, deeper feelings for him, but he had never reacted, whether in encouragement or in refusal. He had not deemed it necessary to react. Now he wondered if he ought to have said something to Okita about this. What would he have said? What could he say now?

At the brink of death, I give you my last breath of life.

His eyes closed on the pain. Thank you, Okita-kun. I don't believe I will live to see the new era, and even if I did, I doubt I could find the happiness you wish me to have, but you may yet prove me wrong, as you have in times past. I look forward to it. Good-bye, First Captain of the Shinsengumi...

His eyes opened then, as harsh and emotionless as before. Within him though, behind his own mask, he gave his last tribute, as he knew Okita had always yearned for:

Good-bye, my friend, Souji.

Historical/Cultural Information: Kondou Isami was the chief of the Shinsengumi, the founder, if you will. Hijikata Toshizou was the vice-captain and a good friend of Kondou's. The two of them had been colleagues with Okita Souji since 1863, when they served together in the Roushi-gumi. Kondou was killed later in 1868 for being on the losing side of the Boshin War (the Battle of Toba-Fushimi, to be exact) and Hijikata probably suffered the same fate. As for Okita, I honestly have no idea, but more research could be done!

A kotatsu is rather like a low, Japanese table, but it can be used for nearly everything. It could be a dining table, a desk, a bed, and I'm pretty sure you can play chess on it.

References:
www . miburo . net
www . japan101 . com

Did you understand the last sentence? I don't think I'll explain myself. You guys choose your interpretation.

Please share your thoughts with me! I'd love to have everyone's comments and advice on this piece! Do you think the first and last part was unnecessary and I should have just written the letter? Or was the letter too long-winded? I don't promise to change anything too much, but I would really like to know what you guys think about this. Arigatou, minna!

Lady E