A/N: Omg okay so I wrote this a couple days ago and I pissed myself laughing. I can't stop and I won't stop (Miley pun intended). I don't know if it's okay or not to put this on fanfiction since they're like "OMG FICTIONAL CHARACTERS ONLY" but they allow fanfics about youtubers on here, so I don't think they'd mind fanfics about presidents.

I was sitting in the Oval Office at my desk, reading a law that wanted to be passed – something about free something or whatever. I wasn't really paying attention. I was too busy thinking about the upcoming elections. It was 2016 – my last year in office. Elections were coming up and I was scared. I didn't want to stop being in charge of America and making things change for the better (even though I put America in 16 trillion dollars in debt). Suddenly, I had an idea. I would call up my friend Mitt Romney.

Everyone in America had thought that we were enemies. Well, we were enemies in the 2012 election, but as I started talking to him more and more on my cell phone in private, the more feelings I grew for him. I longed for his love, his touch, to tickle my ear and call me Honey Boo Boo… Just the thought of it sent pleasurable shivers down my spine. But, I knew that he wouldn't love me back.

See, Mitt was a person that you would call a homophobic. He's a Mormon – he doesn't believe in gay marriage. He thinks that being gay is a sin. Just thinking about this made my heart shatter, so I would put myself in a fantasy world where Mitt was gayer than Elton John – where he had the singing voice of Justin Bieber. And he would sing to me a lovely song – What What in the Butt.

I had to do something about this. After the elections were over and I was out of office, I didn't know when, or if, I could see Mitt. I decided to give my senpai a call. As I dialed his number, my hands were shaking, anxiety coursing through my veins. I let out a shaky sigh before pressing the call button. I put the phone up to my ear.

Ring...

Ring…

Ring…

Ri-

Suddenly, the ringing stopped and I heard shuffling in the background. "Hello, Mitt Romney speaking," that wonderful voice soothed my ear.

"Hello, senpai… I mean Mitt," I chuckled nervously, cursing myself on the inside for accidentally calling him senpai.

"Hello, Barrack. How are you today?" he asked. I shuddered at his wonderfully smooth white man voice.

"I'm doing fine. Mitt, I was wondering if you'd like to come to the White House. I'm leaving the office in a few weeks and… I don't know when I will see you next time. Please, come over as soon as you can," I whispered the last sentence, trying out my new sexy whisper. Hopefully, it worked.

There were a couple seconds of silence. Did I scare my senpai away?

"Of course, Barrack. I'll be there as soon as I can," I shivered at his voice. Oh, god. I think I just jizzed my pants.

"G…great! I'll be waiting!" I smiled and hung up, not wanting him to hear my shaky voice anymore. I shifted my legs nervously and felt wetness in my pants. Yup, I just jizzed in my pants.

A few hours later, one of the security guards came into the Oval Office. Luckily, I had finished masturbating. It would've been awkward if he had walked in on me doing that.

"Mr. President, Romney is here to see you," he said in a monotone voice.

I nodded. "Bring him in and turn off all of the surveillance cameras. I want to talk to him alone."

"Mr. President, you know we can't do that…"

"Excuse me?" I said, standing up. "I'm the fucking president. Now, do as I say."

Shivering in fear, the security guard nodded and ran off. A couple seconds later, Mitt Romney – my beloved senpai – walked into the room. I looked at him, longing for his touch.

"Hello, friend," Mitt Romney smiled, giving me a handshake. I looked down at his hand and then back up at his face. Suddenly, I pulled him into a tight embrace. I needed this, I really needed this. Oh, god. I think I'm about to jizz again.

"B-Barrack?! W-w-what are y-y-you doing?!" I could feel Mitt shaking. Did I embarrass him?

"I just wanted a hug," I pouted. I pulled away slightly so I could see his face. Those sparkling blue eyes, that tan, wrinkly skin… they blew me away. I looked down to his lips, all chapped and torn. My poor senpai needs some Burt's Bees. I tore my gaze away from his lips, looking at his cheeks. They were red, just like his other cheeks will be if he accepts my love. I looked up to his eyes.

"Mitt, I need to confess something to you…" I gulped in fear. There was no turning back now.

"Wh-what is it, B-Barrack…?" I heard him stuttering.

"I know you're Mormon and I know you're homophobic, but I love you. I really love you. Before I met you, I thought I knew what love was. I've spent four years in misery with Michelle's whiny ass and my two kids. But all I want is you," I poured my heart and soul out to him, hoping that he wouldn't freak out.

I saw the blush deepen on his face.

"O-Oh, B-B-Barrack… I don't know wh-wh-what to s-s-say. I really d-d-don't…" he stuttered.

I leaned in and whispered into his hairy ear, "then let your actions speak for you."

Before I knew it, my lips met his chapped ones. I grunted a little at the sudden contact, but fluttered my eyes shut as he kissed me. I pulled away.

"Mitt… will you be my Valentine?" I asked, touching my forehead with his.

"Barrack… it's October. But yeah, I guess."