One year ago

Brendan's point of view

A year ago today I had it all; everything that I ever wanted was in my reach. It was supposed to be a fresh start, the beginning of the rest of my life and what did I do? I messed it all up like I did every time before. It only seemed like yesterday I had told him, voiced my true feelings….

"I love ye Steven…..that's what I didn't tell ye….I love ye"

He was trying to be strong, stubborn to the end.

"Well, it's too late"

Only it wasn't too late, I opened up to him even more and he seemed to melt into me, I could see by the look in his eyes that he was just as desperate for me as I was for him. He tried to leave but I stopped him, I couldn't let him go, not again.

"Don't!"

He didn't sound convincing, but I wasn't going to take any chances.

"I want ye Steven….tell me ye want me….please."

If only I could go back to that day, I'd put it right, I wouldn't care that Eileen walked in, found us lying together, hot, sweaty and breathless. I mean fucking hell hasn't the woman ever heard of knocking? I did what I had always done and I denied him yet again.

"Oh great Brendan…you just broke that promise in record time!"

I promised him that it would be different, that I would be different; but the truth was, I just wasn't ready, at least not for my wife to know. He was done being hidden, he wanted us to be like any other couple but it was all happening too fast and I just couldn't keep up. He must have felt humiliated when I chose her feelings over his, why did I even do that when he meant so much more to me?

Loving him was easy, it came natural to me but having everyone else know that I loved another man, especially Eileen and my Kids made me feel sick. It made me feel like I was doing something wrong, that my Kids would think less of me and I couldn't deal with that. The problem wasn't with everybody else though, it was with me, why was I so cowardly? Why did I keep pushing him away? But I didn't think that I would lose him, even then I thought that he would come back and that I would be able to talk him round. I wanted to be with him, I really did, I just didn't want my Kids knowing. They already felt bad of me for hurting their Ma, they didn't need to know that their Da was queer as well.

I wanted to keep Steven and my Kids separate from each other, was that really so bad? I didn't think so, until Steven came to the club telling me that he was going away with the Kids and I saw the hurt in his eyes. I'm sure my heart broke just looking at him. He left but I still couldn't leave it, he was defeated, he had completely lost faith in me and I had no one to blame but myself. I was so selfish with him.

"I don't want ye leaving like this"

"Like what?"

"Angry with me"

He told me that he was always angry with me and he was, but what did I expect? I always let him down.

"What about us?" I asked him.

"Us? There is no us anymore right, get it in to your head, there is no us!"

But still I couldn't leave it there, I then made another massive mistake, I told him I would go to Florida with him and all the Kids.

"That's just more empty promises innit?"

"Yeah well I could um…I could surprise ye"

"You haven't got the guts!"

He knew I would let him down, he didn't know for sure and part of him still hoped that I would meet him. He hoped that we would be together and live happily ever after but of course it wasn't meant to be and I just disappointed him even further. If only I knew then what I know now, things would be so different, they would be perfect because we would be together and for nearly two years that is all I have ever wanted, regardless of the mess I've made of things.

July 29th 2011 was the best and worst day of my life. The best because I'd got him away from Noah and back into my arms, how I've missed him being there and the worst because I lost him all over again. I didn't realize back then but I hadn't just lost him, I'd lost him for good. That was the last time that I would ever call him mine, the last time I would ever feel his beautiful soft skin, the last time I would kiss him and for it to mean something and the last time to touch and devour every part of him.

I didn't just lose him that day; I also lost a part of myself. I can remember thinking that nothing would ever be right again and without him, it wasn't. My life just got worse, I got worse and no matter how many times I have tried to put it right between us I always mess it up. Not only does he hate me but now I have to watch him be with someone else. I wonder if he remembers the date and thinks of me too? I ruined and lost the best thing that has ever happened to me.

How I wish that today, was one year ago.

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