Saturday July 30th

Walking through a muddy field by myself

What in the name of pants just happened?

3 seconds later

Oh, that's right. I was just snogged to within an inch of my life by none other than Dave the Laugh.

1 second later

Whom is not my boyfriend.

2 seconds later

Masimo is my boyfriend … I think. I don't know. Is he? Because he said he wanted me to be free for him, but now he's in Pizza-a-gogo land, probably with some Italian bird who doesn't have the genes of an orang-utan, unlike some (ie. me).

One minute later

I have decided that I don't have to feel bad about accidentally snogging Dave the Laugh. Masimo is the one who left me to die alone in a bloody field in the middle of bloody nowhere while he ran off to Pizza-a-gogo land to eat lasagne and battle gladiators.

5 seconds later

I know if I told Dave that, he would make some not-funny joke about Masimo enjoying sweaty men in nothing but armour. That is why I am not going to tell him what I was thinking. Hahahahaha. That will serve him right for practically forcing himself on me.

3 seconds later

Although I didn't mind the whole nip libbling fandango …

2 seconds later

It was actually quite marvy with knobs.

4 seconds later

On the floor. Or should I say, in the mud. Dave the Laugh has just tackled me and I think I have really broken my bum-oley this time.

He can't stop laughing, but having a 140-pound lad on me with a mouthful of dirt isn't doing a lot for my breathing, let alone my laugh levels.

"Gee," he said between laughs, "are you hurt?"

"Nyov groarse rime ert," was my response, but that just made Dave laugh ever harder.

Five thousand years (or five minutes) later

Dave pulled us both to our feet and even gave me some gum he had in his back pocket, to get out the taste of the vole poo or whatever had been in my mouth. It was fresh and tasted like watermelon (the gum, not the vole poo … are you really that daft that I have to explain everything to you?!). It tasted like Dave always does. It made my lips pucker all by themselves, but I firmly eschewed my red bottom and kept my mouth shut.

"Gosh, Gee. I don't want to snog you anymore," he said.

I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden I started crying and crying. I was literally shaking with sobs. I imagine I sort of looked like Uncle Eddie that one time he thought he could jump the electric fence around the swimming pool at midnight (ie. not attractive and quite possibly mental).

"Gee – Georgia! I didn't mean EVER … you just have a little smidge of vole poo in the corner of your lips … I'll snog you right now if I have to, poo of the voley-type and all …"

"N-n-n-no, Dave," I said, still sobbing. "It's n-n-not t-that. I'm j-j-just s-so c-c-c-confused right now… Why m-must I b-blow my h-h-horn so m-much?"

I think if it were in any other situation, my words would have made Dave laugh. But he settled for a little smirk, wiped the mud off my face and sat me down on his lap.

Three minutes later

Still crying, with my head on his shoulder. When I had finally slowed my tear rate to about one a minute, he grabbed my chin and pulled my face up (not as in he pulled it off or anything … ugh, you know what I mean).

"Now, Kittykat," he said in voice full of something I'd never heard in him before, "why don't you tell me what's wrong?"

One hour later

Back in the tent

I just got back from my little woods fandango with Dave. I opened the tent and found that NONE OF THE GIRLS WERE IN THERE. Then I went and looked in all the other tents, and guess what? The Ace Gang was totally absent. They are all such common tarts, off with their lads. Do they have no pridenosity?

Ten minutes later

I am extremely comfortable in my sleeping bag right now.

One minute later

Okay, I stole Jas' sleeping bag.

One second later
It's some proper camping one that she got from Naff Hikers R Us or whatever they're called.

Two minutes later

Going over and over what Dave the Laugh and I talked about. When he asked me what was wrong, I told him everything, all about the Cake Shop of Agony and how picking up a Dave the Tart may make the Italian Cakey feel a bit left out, and how the Robbie Éclair on the shelf was still full of poonosity over me telling him that Masimo was my one and only, but now I'm not sure if he is because he may lots of girlfriends in Pizza-a-gogo land and just think of me as a little chum with a big red bottom. And when I had finished, I looked over at Dave and he had his knees hitched up to his chest with his arms around his legs and his head on his knees. He was like this for a couple of minutes, and then he looked up, stared right into my eyes and said something to me that was so Dave the Unlaugh-ish that I almost choked on my gum.

"Georgia," he said, "if you multiplied your confusion by about a billion and then added knobs, you would be able to feel how I have felt for a very long time. Even right now with your mascara running down your face and the vole poo in your hair, you are the most beautiful girl in the world. For me, it's you, and it's always been you. I like Emma, she's a great chick. But she's not you, and she never will be, no matter how much I pretend she is. And even though you're in your cake shop trying to choose which one of us you want to devour, I want you to know that Davey the Tart isn't going to give up until he's been thrown from the shelf for being old and mouldy."

I was shocked beyond belief, so much that I think I resembled Nauseating P. Green ogling over her hamster. I may have even sprouted some glasses and not noticed.

He laughed at my face, leant over and kissed me very softly on the lips. There was no nip libbling or tongues involved, but it was just about the nicest kiss I'd ever had in my life.

"Err, yes … well, er, that's, like … yeah, I need to err, go and like, teach my chicken how to chuckle … or something," was the best line I could come out with. Dave went sort of red and then pale, but his lips were quivering and I didn't know if he was going to laugh or cry or maybe a bit of both. I didn't stick around to find out. I got up and walked off, leaving him in the middle of bloody nowhere.

Seven minutes later

And now here I am, all aloney on my owney in the tent.

One second later

Merde. I think I may have screwed things up with Dave.

Two seconds later

Double merde with knobs.

And bison horns.

Three seconds later

What am I talking about? It must be the lack of sleep I've had, but with my crazy night to think about I doubt I'll get to sleep. I should wait until the Ace Gang gets back, just so I can make sure they're okay and haven't been murdered by a sadistic frog. I'm such a good pal zzzzzzz …

Wow, my first ever fanfic! R&R, tell me what you think