By the time I open my eyes I know that I've overslept. Sure enough, when I roll over to check the alarm clock it reads '6:21 AM'. Damn. Must have forgotten to set my alarm. Normally I would have gone through my rounds at least twice by now, had several cups of midnight black coffee and would have already replied to the messages that piled up while I'd slept. I don't even want to know how many are waiting for me today. Every day it seems to get worse, more requests, more lists of innocents dead. No one said that this was going to be easy, I guess.
I move to sit up but find my abdomen pinned down by a strong, familiar arm. I don't remember him coming in last night, which is strange. He'll usually wake me up when he crawls into bed. On the battlefield he's graceful and quiet, everywhere else not so much. A tendril of warmth squeezes at my heart when I look at his face. I would have never guessed that I would share the time I had been given with Garrus but now it feels so natural. Anyone else would feel utterly wrong.
My hand reaches up to lightly trace the smoothed scarring on his mandible and it reminds me of how close I had been to losing him. I hadn't even known how I felt for him then but I can clearly recall that stab of pure panic when he went down. He acts like the scars don't bother him, like they're some badge of honor, but I find him looking at them more than he would admit.. As much as he jokes about them being attractive in that self-deprecating way of his I don't think he knows that I really do find them sexy.
In the corner of my eye I can see a new patch of bruises forming on my arm. The fights we've found ourselves in have really started to take a toll on my body, not that I'll ever tell anyone. They need a strong leader, they need Commander Shepard, not some weak and terrified woman who battles constant nightmares of her own. Chakwas hates how I don't tell her when I'm in pain. She hates even more that I've stopped checking in with her after missions. I know she'd tie me down to a table if she had her way, just so she could assess my injuries but I don't have time. Everything we know is at stake and I won't let some scrapes and cuts get in my way of fighting.
Garrus shifts under my touch and lets out a contented sigh. I'm glad that he can get sleep nowadays. I feel a pang of guilt at the realization of how often I bring him planet side with me. He must be exhausted. Fighting alongside me then coming back to the Normandy to deal with the frantic messages of people on his crumbling home planet can't be easy for him. I change the rotation of team members in my head, switching him out for James. A little extra time to rest will be good.
You should be just as worried for yourself, the voice in my head chides you don't have a choice of not going planet side and then answering messages. You know you're pushing too hard.
Probably. Definitely. I just don't have the option to stop going. I've promised so many that I would fight tooth and nail and I plan on upholding those promises. I sigh and grasp the covers in my hands. Someone has to end this war and why the hell wouldn't it be me? I've been fighting these monsters for three years now, I've assembled teams to assist in the effort, I've showed the Reapers that we're something to be feared. I hope. With more and more certainty I've come to the conclusion that this war will kill me. The thought used to paralyze me with fear but when I look at all the faces of the people I could save doing it, the pressure lessens.
"Elizabeth?" Garrus' sleepy voice makes me jump. "You're still here."
His hand moves away from my waist to my fiery, horrible case of bedhead and I shiver at his touch. "Overslept. I've got to get going, though."
"You could stay here." He purrs, those eyes drilling into me. "Stay in bed with me."
He's doing that thing again. Damn that turian. While he might not realize what I truly think about his scars he is completely aware of what his voice can do to me. I regret ever admitting it, whenever I did. There isn't much that can pull me away from my duties but the idea of spending the remainder of the morning with him, here under the sheets, sends an exciting jolt through me. I never thought that I could feel this way about someone, I'd always seen myself as some kind of damaged piece of goods. No parents to the street gangs to the Alliance to N7 to now. All of that time and I had never said the words 'I love you' but now I have someone I can say them to. That jolt travels through my body and I feel as if I'm ringing.
There's a war going on all around us at this very moment. People are dying, dropping like flies, and I'm laying here in bed with Garrus thinking of wasting time. It should spur me into action, I should be out of bed and off to answer messages but I can't seem to move. There's a part of me that's slowly winning the fight and it's reveling in its victory. It's that piece of me that wants to be a normal woman spending time with the person she loves, the indulgent side of Elizabeth Shepard. Even if I did get up right now, I think absently, people would still be dying. It's a cruel thought, that much I'm aware of.
"Is that an order?" I ask, voice quiet.
Garrus smiles, realizing that he's won, and he pulls me to his chest as if I weigh nothing. "Commander Shepard I order you to stay here until I release you."
I feel a shiver of pleasure starting at the base of my spine. "Yes, sir."