Okay, yes. It has been done before. Twice, from what I've seen. BUT there needs to be one for those of us who love Uther but don't love slash. SOOO…Here you go. Some references to Arwen and Gorlois's wife, so a little bit…suggestive at times. Nothing too bad.

Thirty Ways to Annoy Uther Pendragon

A Guide from the Expert

ONE. When he starts his magic-is-evil spiel, talk along with him. When he glares at you, tell him innocently that you know the words too—you've memorized them!

TWO. Whenever insulted, refer to someone as a 'troll' within his hearing. Then look ashamed and say, "I'm sorry; Uther has a special affection for trolls, doesn't he?"

THREE. When he asks you for anything, reply in a sing-song voice, "What's the MAGIC word?"

FOUR. After you do number 3, clap your hand over your mouth in exaggerated horror and cry, "I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! DON'T KILL ME!"

FIVE. Ask if he thinks the cape makes him sexy.

SIX. When he denies it, pat him on the shoulder and say that you don't blame him; you think so too!

SEVEN. After Gorlois has been brought up, and especially while Morgana is in a room, ask him chipperly if he knows the story of King David and his betrayal of the soldier Uriah*. (*This can be found in 2 Samuel 11:1 and the rest of the chapter.)

EIGHT. If he denies it, then look delighted and tell him the story of how David got his soldier's wife pregnant, and then he sent the soldier to be killed… Here, trail off and stare at Morgana with wide eyes.

NINE. Show him you are a sorcerer. Let him arrest you. Escape from jail. Again and again.

TEN. Tell him that, next season, the writers plan to kill him horribly!

ELEVEN. Ask him in a low voice if Ygraine new about those 'tempting serving girls' he mentioned to Arthur…

TWELVE. Go on a walk with him. Every five seconds point to a different person and scream something along the lines of: "Oh, no! It's a sorcerer! He looked at you funny! He must be EVIL!"

THIRTEEN. Tell him you love him, but that you understand if he wants to wait until he's moved past these trust issues.

FOURTEEN. Continually call to him as such: "GILES! I mean, UTHER! Sorry."

FIFTEEN. Tell him you aren't seeing him getting much love from his grandkids, especially after someone explains how he killed their OTHER grandfather…

SIXTEEN. Tell him chain mail makes him look fat.

SEVENTEEN. Whenever he says something dumb, stare at him with raised eyebrows and ask if his crown is too tight.

EIGHTEEN. Walk around the castle behind him saying his best lines under your breath and chuckling wildly. "Then don't look…Heehee…" Then answer yourself with all the BURNS he's received. "And you, Uther—you will go to hell… heehee…"

NINETEEN. Tell him that, as a king, a person, and a man, you have the greatest respect for him. Until he opens his mouth.

TWENTY. Ask him: "So, why did you let a boy you only met once, but saved your son's life, work in the palace? How did you know it wasn't a trick? How did you know he wasn't a sorcerer?" Then look at Merlin slyly.

TWENTY-ONE. No matter what he says, reply with "YOUR FACE!" or "YOUR MOM!"

TWENTY-TWO. Wonder out loud whether or not being grabbed by the neck, threatened, and thrown in prison affected Morgana's decision to become evil at all.

TWENTY-THREE. Ask if he would like the term "Merthur" explained to him, but if he says yes, refuse to define it. Tell him you don't want to scare him.

TWENTY-FOUR. Ask if he wants the grandkids to call him Pop, Granddad, or Grandfather. While talking about this, stare continually at Gwen's belly until he notices.

TWENTY-FIVE. Ask him innocently why he doesn't support ArMor.

TWENTY-SIX. While shooting looks at Merlin, confess to Uther that you think he's losing his touch at spotting sorcerers. But that's okay; it happens when you get senile.

TWENTY-SEVEN. When he's giving his speech to the sorcerer about to die, shout, "Aw, we heard this one LAST time! Be more original!"

TWENTY-EIGHT. Tell him he would love the Harry Potter Books. He really reminds you of some of the characters, like Voldemort. And Umbridge.

TWENTY-NINE. Take his hand and tell him gently that just because his daughter hates him with all her heart and tries to destroy Camelot, and his son runs around with serving girls, breaking the tradition of many years, and also is close friends with a servant—Well, that doesn't necessarily reflect his parenting skills. Look very sympathetic.

THIRTY: Walk solemnly in the room. Hand him a large plaque with the words engraved on it: AWARD FOR BIGGEST *insert bad word here* OF THE YEAR. Walk out again.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed and maybe even laughed. Review and tell me your favorites?