Conversations Between a Doctor and a Vampire
Conversations Between a Doctor and a Vampire
By ACDude800
"Julia!"
"Yes, Barnabas?"
"Make me a sammich."
"No."
"Why?"
"I'm not your maid, Barnabas."
"No, you're not, you're my cook."
"Get one of your whores to cook for you."
"You know what happened the last time Vicki was in the kitchen!"
"Yes, I remember. And I remember when Maggie was in the kitchen, when Roxanne was in the kitchen, and when all your hos were in the kitchen at some point or another."
...
"So, will you make me a sammich?"
"I already told you that I wouldn't, Barnabas."
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Pretty please with blood on top?"
"No."
"Fine."
"Good."
"Will you at least get me a sody pop?"
"No, Barnabas, I won't get you a soda pop, either."
"You're mean, Julia."
"Yes, I am."
"I bet you're a mean, gay lesbian."
"Yes, Barnabas, as a matter of fact, pursuing this pointless crush on you for so many damned years and you being such an enormous pain in my ass by never responding to it at all has turned me into a mean, gay lesbian!"
"All gay people are mean, you know."
"That's a rude stereotype, Barnabas."
"Roger's mean."
"Roger's not gay."
"Uh-huh."
"Roger's not gay."
"Burke Devlin told me he was. How do you know?"
"Mrs. Johnson told me."
"And how does she know?"
"From experience."
"Burke Devlin said the same thing."
"Indeed."
"Everyone at the Blue Whale is mean."
"Barnabas, the Blue Whale may be a gay bar, but it's the only bar in town, which means that a lot of non-gay people go there, too."
"You'd say that, since you're gay."
"I am not gay, Barnabas."
"Uh-huh."
"There are times when I intensely hate you, do you know that, Barnabas?"
"No."
"The reason gay people are mean to you is because everyone's mean to you, because you're an asshole."
"Do you know who else is an asshole?"
"Barnabas, if the next sentence involves the words 'Roger,' 'Burke,' and 'experience,' I'm leaving."
"Damn."
"Damn straight."
"Damn gay."
"What is wrong with you?"
"My mother was an alcoholic and my father never loved me."
"Oh, no, you don't. Elizabeth may have fallen for that after you had to apologize for feeling up Carolyn at the dinner party last month, but I won't."
"Julia, make me a sammich."
"For the last damn time, Barnabas-"
"I'll give you a hug if you do."
"Okay, Barnabas."
--
This definitely wasn't a Dan Curtis Production
I claim no ownership of Dark Shadows or any of its characters, nor any affiliation with DCP, MPI, or any other DS-related company. This story is strictly written for fun, not profit.