Warning: Sad, angst, possibly confusing death fic.
The music is 'The Good Left Undone' by 'Raise Against'. I don't own any of this, just like I don't own DGM.
To readers that like to favorite a story without leaving a review: I hope Karma bites you in the ass. Hard.
To the others, nice readers, please enjoy this sudden bust of inspiration of mine.
The Good Left Undone
I always wanted that…
In fields where nothing grew but weeds,
I found a flower at my feet,
Bending there in my direction
It's a secret, one I refuse to admit even to myself. Because it makes me weak and I can't afford that. Weakness is something people simply don't expect me to have. Course it's impossible, which makes this all a big fat lie, but I manage. I survived worse, right?
Still that was my death wish. Someone to see through my mask and notice the real me. I'm not sure why, but I always thought I would die happy if someone acknowledged my true self.
And he was perfect in that. Like spot-on, never-fooled perfect.
The fact I made him too pissed to care only added to that and, for a moment, I really thought I would indeed have a happy death.
I wrapped a hand around its stem,
I pulled until the roots gave in,
Finding now what I been missing,
But I know...
Fight after fight, curse after curse. No one will ever know, but I was in peace. In that black labyrinth we call Black Order, chained to our roles in far too many ways to count, trying to stop a war that wasn't our and would surely kill us all in the end, I was peaceful.
And he was too, I could tell this much. He liked the fights and the curses and the way we were always trying to rip each other's throats every second we could (which basically were every time somebody else wasn't trying to do that).
Because I saw his true self. I gave him peace.
At least, that's what I thought.
So I tell myself, tell myself it's wrong
There's a point we pass from which we can't return
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm
Things changed. I don't know when, I don't know how. I just know it sounds stupid and cliché and I just want to stab myself and die, even if I know it wouldn't work.
No way out of this freaking mess.
But why? Why he had to come closer that night? Why couldn't he just let it go?
He knew my true self, how fake was the mask I use every day. He was okay with that for so long…Or maybe he wasn't. Maybe I just forced him to be okay with that. I don't know. It's so confusing and frustrating.
I want to cry…but I don't have any tears.
And I'm starting to think I won't have that happy death anymore.
All because of you
I haven't slept in so long
When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean
Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down
I'll follow your voice
All you have to do is shout it out.
"You are a liar." – he says while putting his pants back on and shoving his hair off his face.
"So are you." – I answer like always, hoping he will drop the subject.
But tonight he doesn't.
"Am I now?"
"You wouldn't be here if you weren't. We wouldn't do this." – I lift the sheets, letting he see the evidence of what he did.
He shakes his head in disapproval and goes to the door. But before he opens it he turns back to stare at me. And the look he gives me…never before had he looked at me like that.
"I don't remember lying about this." – he says in a monotone voice before opening the door and leaving.
For some reason I can't sleep for the rest of the night.
Inside my hands these petal brown
Dried up falling to the ground
But it was already too late now
We were caught. Link walked in, seeing us right in the middle of some…stuff.
I don't remember a time I was so embarrassed.
But that was also my way out. I thought I didn't have one but looking at Link's eyes, seeing the disgust taking over his always bored face, I just knew what I had to do.
Because I couldn't keep things like that. I had to break free from him and his eyes and the way he could always read me. He was supposed to acknowledge my real me, not dig into my secrets to the point I had nothing left! I couldn't afford that!
I couldn't leave my mask.
So I did the only thing I could: I blamed him. Everything we did, everything I allowed him to do, everything I enjoyed doing…Suddenly it was just a big, ugly ball of mud I wanted nothing but throw away.
And I did. Right on his face.
On that day, screaming lies to the top of my longs, I got rid of him.
I pushed my fingers through the earth
Return this flower to the dirt
So it can live
I walked away now
But I know...
"We are over." – I say calmly, like that was just another of our stupid fights.
"You think?" – he answers in the same way but his eyes…I'm naked in front of those eyes. I just know it.
Naked like always.
"Yes." – I force myself to continue. It's not like we had time for deep reflective silences anyway.
"You will regret this." – somewhere deep inside me I was hoping his defeated tone would make a difference. But it doesn't and I'm not sure why.
"Sure." – one last poke, for old time's sake – "Who's the liar now?"
"You will." – he smirks, like he wasn't in a cell ready to be sentenced to God-knows-what – "You will look for me, you will scream my name, but I won't be there."
"It doesn't matter."
"Doesn't it?"
The door opens. Soon a Crown is dragging him out. He doesn't fight back; we both know it's useless considering the amount of seals covering him.
It's over.
Not a day goes by that I don't feel it's spurn
There's a point we pass from which we can't return
I felt the cold rain of the coming storm
I wish I could say I regretted it but I did not. Even when the sentence was executed to the whole Order to see, I didn't regret it. Why should I? It was all his fault! He made me a coward!
And like a coward I was I saved myself. I kept my pride and my mask.
I was fine. Never mind he would be forever out of my life.
Never mind his last words were 'you will die alone'.
I just had to find someone else to replace him.
All because you I haven't slept in so long
When I do I dream of drowning in the ocean
Longing for the shore where I can lay my head down
I'll follow your voice
All you have to do is shout it out.
I never found anyone.
I tried and tried but every time someone started to see behind my mask they would back away, uncomfortable with what they saw. Such hypocrites. Can they look into themselves and say they are better than me? No, course not.
Too bad I can't either. I can't look into the mirror and accept the ugliness staring back at me, the shadow lurking into my eyes.
That's why I need someone to do it for me. Because I can't.
It's always easy to deal with others than with yourself.
But no one can do that for me. The only one that could isn't here anymore.
Because of me.
Because of my stupid cowardice.
Now I won't have peace. Neither will he.
All because of you
All because of you
It's the final battle at last and my mind is a mess.
I'm not afraid of death. I'm even relieved knowing this time everything will end. No more miracle resurrections. No more strangers helping at the last second.
We will all die. And we will all stay dead.
What's making me crash and burn on the inside is him. Because he is back. After God-knows how long, we were finally allowed to fight together again.
But that's all we can do now: fight.
I don't need to look twice to know that's all he knows. That was his sentence, after all. To forget everything, became the true living weapon he was always destined to be.
And I…I allowed that.
My eyes sting. I raise my hand to my face and I can't believe the wetness in my fingers.
I'm crying now.
All because of you
I haven't slept in so long
When i do i dream of drowning in the ocean
Longing for the shore where i can lay my head down
Inside these eyes of yours
It's over.
My enemy lies a couple feet from me, unmoving just like everybody else, friend or foe. I'm lying on my back, watching the stars as my breaths became shorter and my heart begins to fail. And I just know this is my last time seeing the sky.
To say his last words came true. I'm dying alone. Not just that but I miss him.
"Fuck." – I try to scream but I only manage to choke on my own blood. But even if I could scream no one would hear me.
No one. Never again.
"I'm sorry."
"I know."
All because of you
I believe in angels.
Not the kind with wings
No, not the kind with halos.
I blink. This couldn't be real. He couldn't be here, lying on top of me like he did so many times before. That couldn't be his forehead resting over mine, his nose an inch from touching mine, blood colored lips twisted in a soft smile.
Those couldn't be his eyes.
"But you said… "– I'm crying again. Why I'm not sure and I don't care. I just wish this wouldn't keep me from seeing his dirty beautiful face.
The kind that brings you home
When home becomes a strange place
I'll follow your voice
He comes even closer, hiding his face in my neck. I hold my breath, knowing he's gathering his breath for some real last words. Finally I feel his lips parting and he says:
"Baka moyashi…I lied…"
I hug him, chuckling and crying at the same time. It doesn't matter if he's dead in my arms and can't hug back. I just never want to let go, ever again.
Because it was all right. For the first and last time, everything was all right.
"Thank you…
…Kanda…"
All you have to do is shout it out...