Written for Huge TV Quote Bucket (63. "Breathe, eat, sleep, wake up and do it all over again until one day, it's just not as hard anymore" – Elena Gilbert, The Vampire Diaries)
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything associated with it.
An 8th year fic.
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The eighth years were doing the Patronus charm. This wouldn't be such a bad thing if he didn't believe so strongly in the idea that dark wizards just couldn't produce them. His father was a Death Eater. His grandfather had been a Death Eater. The only reason he himself hadn't been one was because the war had thankfully ended before they forced the mark onto his forearm. Still, a linage of bad blood, of dark magic, must count against him. After all, he couldn't produce the charm. That should be proof enough for him.
Looking around the room, Theodore watched with a bit of disappointment as Potter's stag pranced around the room following the yipping puppy of Weasley. Lovegood's rabbit and Granger's otter were chasing one another. The Parvati sisters were laughing as a horse shot from Brown's wand and started sniffing at their cat and beaver. Even Longbottom's fucking lion was licking itself as a lamb bounced around it, most likely from the end of Abbot's wand. All around him, Patronus' – be they fully corporeal or shifting mists of blue light – were gracing the air much to the delight of the new DADA teacher, some young Auror by the name of Ebony.
His attention was drawn closer to him as a burst of light tore from the end of Daphne's wand. He watched in amazement as the swan leapt into the air, taking flight alongside the owl Tracy had long since cast. Even Blaise had managed to get a spark of a non-corporeal light. The only ones in the room not getting any success was him, Pansy, Goyle, and Draco. Although the last was perfectly capable of producing such a charm, Theo had seen it himself one, so he wasn't sure why the blond was simply sitting on the table watching.
"Alright class," the teacher's voice cut through the chatter. Many of the Patronus' flicked away once their attention was directed elsewhere, however the stag and the lion seemed to exchange a look and remained a few seconds longer. They too blinked out of existence.
"That's good work for today," Ebony smiled at them all. There was a bit of a falter in his lips as he looked over the group of Slytherins. Some prejudice died hard. "We will finish on Patronus' next class. I have a feeling by the time we next meet, we will all have this mastered and can continue on with the course. If there are any questions, or if you need assist, feel free to stop by my office. You are free to go. I will see you at the end of the week."
He made to gather up his things, not bothering to look at anyone as he did so. Three days until the next class. Three days Ebony thought he could produce something related to the Patronus charm. It looked like he was likely going to miss the marks for this assignment.
Blaise and Draco were beside him as they left the room. Greg was to the other side of Draco, under a protective eye of the blond. There was some kind of dialogue going on, but Theo wasn't really listening. He was too focused on their last class to pay attention to their idle chitchat.
The Patronus' had been so bright. So happy. So free. He envied their ability to create such a light. Merlin knew that in the world of darkness he'd grown up in that a light such as that didn't belong with him. Still, he couldn't get those soft blue glows to leave his focus. Even after potions class, and the following transfiguration class. He just couldn't focus outside of that particular charm.
Draco noticed. After dinner, his friend pretty much dragged into one of the abandoned classrooms. There were stacks of desks pushed up against the walls, a couple piles of chair in the corner. But otherwise it was empty.
"What did you pull me in here for?" Theo asked when he turned to face his friend.
"I saw your face," Draco answered, "when the class was doing Patronus'."
"So," Theo shrugged. "What does this have to do with you kidnapping me?"
"I'm going to teach you." Draco stepped forward, spilling his robes off his shoulders and tossing them onto one of the far tables. He began to roll up his sleeves and pulled his wand from his back pocket – how he managed to make it fit and not break it always amazed Theo.
"You'll teach me," Theo raised a brow in question.
Draco nodded. "Yes. Now, get your wand."
"Why?"
Draco paused for a moment, sighing, "Because, you need to know how to do this charm. It's part of the class. Seeing as how we have a few days to do this, we need to start early."
"But why are you helping me?"
"Because I am your friend," Draco said. "Now, stop arguing with me on this. Draw your wand, and think happy thoughts."
Theo took one look at the smirk on Draco's lips before shaking his head and giving in. Withdrawing his wand from inside his robe, he removed the heavy material and threw it beside Draco's.
"Now," Draco began as soon as Theo appeared ready, "let's make sure you have the incantation down."
They worked long into the night. By time the two finally made it back towards the shared dorms, it was fully dark outside. Theo threw himself into bed, not even bothering changing out of his uniform or putting himself under the covers. He looked around the dark room, frowning at the sleeping forms. When they said that all the returning students in his year would be sharing one tower, he didn't think it would be that bad. Until he found out he was sharing his dorm with Weasley, who snored louder than Crabbe and Goyle ever did.
Sighing, Theo buried his head into his pillow. He hadn't been able to produce a Patronus. Not even the smallest bit of fog. Still, Draco seemed convinced he could do it. Theo not so much. This was only day one though. There were three days until the next class and Draco believed he could teach him the charm in that time. Once more, didn't believe as much.
The next day of practice, Greg and Pansy were there as well. He was a bit surprised whenever they were already sitting in the room waiting. It seemed Draco was taking this 'teaching' thing a little farther than Theo thought necessary. He wasn't going to bother complaining though. After knowing Draco for the large majority of his life, he knew there was no point arguing once the man set his mind onto something.
So he resigned himself to letting Draco try to teach them. They had moved away from pronunciation of the spell, and were instead moving into the strength needed. A happy memory. What a load of bullshit, Theo thought. How a memory was supposed to give him the power to overcome the generations of cursed blood running through his veins was beyond him.
Pansy managed to get a little dribble from her wand. Theo wanted to push her out the window for that. Greg was having as poor of a time as he was though, so it as a little less painful to watch the thin line of blue fog spill from the girl's wand. That was the only progress they had made that day. By time they finished and made it back to bed, Theo wanted to rip his pillow. Two practice session and still not even a trickle from his wand.
The next day of practice proved just as unfruitful for Theo as the first two had. Pansy now could make a small cloud. She was positive there was a feline face in that mist. Theo didn't see it. Greg had a moment of mist. It was only a moment but it was more than Theo had managed. He felt like he was wasting his time. When he brought this up, Draco only told him to shut up and try again. Theo was going to punch him before the week was over. He only had so much patience after all.
By time he got to bed, Weasley's snores has all but taken over the dorm room. The others in the room were asleep in their beds. Theo let out a groan. He needed to remember to cast a silencing charm on either Weasley's bed or his own.
Day three, and Pansy had left them after she managed to produce a semi stable Patronus. It was still a bit murky, wavering a bit, and as it turned out, wasn't a cat but a parrot. Apparently, parrots were symbols of wisdom and royalty and what not. Theo thought it was because parrots were loud, and flashy and talked too much. He had been slapped for that comment.
But now it was just him, Greg, and Draco. The sun had already set and Theo just wanted to go to bed. He had Herbology early that coming morning and wanted to get to sleep before the sun began to rise again. Draco had other plans though. He was trying to get them to cross that final bridge to produce the charm, but it just wasn't working for Theo. It wasn't for lack of trying. He was pushing himself to the edge of his magic, but still no Patronus.
By the end of practice, Theo was even more convinced he just wasn't meant to produce the charm. Greg left before them. Normally Draco had kept a watchful eye on their friend, largely due to the amount of attacks Greg had gotten during the first few weeks of the term. Theo kind of didn't blame some of the people who attacked. He knew it made him an awful person, and he'd never tell this to his fellow Slytherin, but sometimes people did need revenge. And Greg had pissed off a lot of people by submitting to the Carrows' teaching regimen. That wasn't to say that Theo himself hadn't been forced to perform the Cruciatus upon his fellow students last year. But he at least felt guilty about it and hated himself for it. He sometimes wondered if Greg was just suppressing it instead of dealing with it.
But Greg left first. He headed back to the dorms, leaving Draco and Theo alone.
"I'm sorry," Theo said after the door closed behind Greg.
Draco turned, frowning in confusion. "For what?"
"I couldn't do the spell," Theo shrugged. "You kind of wasted four nights trying to teach me."
"They weren't wasted," Draco said.
Theo chuckled once. "They kind of were. I mean, I'm not making a Patronus here."
Draco shrugged. He climbed onto one of the tables, leaning back a bit as he looked at his friend. "I think you just haven't found the right thing you need."
"Easy for you to say."
"Actually it's not." Draco was silent after that, but he never took his gaze off his friend.
Theo took up a seat next to him. He twirled his wand between his fingers. "How do you do it? How do you make a Patronus? After everything you have been though? Everything you've seen? Everything you were made to do? How do you not just give up?"
Draco shrugged, his shoulders dropping heavily. "I'm hard to knock down."
"I'm being serious here," Theo turned to face him. "How do you do it? I can barely manage to pull myself out of bed most days. I can hardly close my eyes without seeing… I feel like I'm falling to pieces."
"I know the feeling," Draco said. "You just need to get into a routine. Breathe, eat, sleep, wake up and do it all over again until one day, it's just not as hard anymore."
That wasn't the answer Theo was looking for. "I thought now that the war was over it was supposed to be better. Supposed to be easier."
"Things take time," Draco said. "Healing doesn't happen overnight."
"When did you get so smart? It's kind of scary."
Draco managed a smirk. "I've always been smart. You just haven't been paying attention."
"No," Theo smiled, "I think it's because you were too busy being a jack ass."
"Probably," Draco nodded, a warm smile on his lips. "I was kind of awful."
"Kind of?" Theo laughed. Draco seemed like he was trying to come up with a response, but just laughed with him instead.
"What am I going to do in class tomorrow?" Theo asked once the laughter stopped. "Everyone will be expecting Patronus'. What am I going to do when I'm the only one who can't make the damn charm work?"
"You won't be the only one. Greg still hasn't got it down. And there's a few Ravenclaws who still haven't managed anything." Draco paused for a moment, considering something. "And if you want, I won't make one."
"But you can. I've seen it."
"Professor Ebony hasn't," Draco offered.
"I can't ask you to do that," Theo said, shaking his head. "I'll figure it out. Maybe it just wasn't meant to happen. Maybe it's true what they say about dark wizards."
"You're not a dark wizard," Draco said. "I mean seriously Theo, you put pickles in your peanut butter sandwiches. And you fold your socks. Forgive me that I'm not cowering at your darkness."
Theo chuckled, nudging his friend.
"And besides," Draco continued, "If I can produce the damn charm, so can you. All you need is to accept a little happiness."
Theo watched him, smiling brightly. Draco patted his hand before standing and moving to gather his things. Theo continued sitting on that table a bit longer. He wanted to believe his friend. He wanted to believe that he was capable of creating such a charm. Looking out the classroom window, unable to see anything through the blackness of the night, Theo got to his feet and made to gather his things. He followed Draco out of the room.
As it had been for the past week, the dorm room was dark when he got there. His dorm mates were already sound asleep. Theo crawled into bed, his attention falling on the light coming from the base of the door. It was just the hall light, but it was something.
He made sure to cast a silencing charm over his bed. It was nice to not hear Weasley's snoring tearing through the air. But as he drew the curtains closed around his bed, he was more pleased that the others in the room wouldn't hear him.
Drawing his wand out, Theo took a deep sigh. He sat there, wand in hand, mouthing the incantation as he watched the little light from under the door.
Breath, eat, sleep, rinse and repeat. That's what Draco said to do. He concentrated on those words, repeating them in his mind, and found a calmness setting over him.