A little something I wrote in the course of the last half an hour. I don't know why, I don't know even why I'm publishing this. But yeah. Enjoy :)
And I can't save you if you don't let me.
You just get me like I've never been gotten before.
"Gotten", by Slash ft. Adam Levine
It was late.
Or rather, very very fucking early. The ass crack of dawn to be honest. I sighed and pressed the little button on the side on my phone to light up the screen. 4:47. I sighed and rolled over onto my stomach, the blanket wrapping me in a cocoon. After some time of laying in bed, I got up.
I was in Johnny's and Aisha's house. I helped Johnny clear some of the stuff out of here the day before, however both of us had been dead tired so we decided to crash here. Johnny told me to crash in the guest-room. I don't know whether he went to his and Eesh's room to sleep or not. It felt weird being here without her. The house seemed...empty.
As like the house, I felt empty too. I had been feeling empty for a while, ever since Carlos died to be honest. That was months ago. I sighed and sat on the floor for a while. I was broken, hollow and simply empty. I felt the knot rise in my throat as I desperately tried to swallow it down. I sat there for a while, numb and alone. Letting myself feel more than I should, yet at the same time feeling utterly numb.
My eye caught my T3K Urban, the steel glistening in the moonlight. For an unknown reason I took it into my hands and twirled it around. I can't tell you what I was thinking because I wasn't. I twirled the gun and at some point I held it to my head. Daring myself to pull the trigger. But then all of the people who needed me flashed before my eyes. Shaundi, Pierce, the Saints, Johnny...
I sighed. Shaundi didn't need me, she had better friends. If you could even call us that... Friends. Pierce, he only wanted to impress me because I was the boss. I doubt he cared much for me as a person. The gang, Johnny would be a far better leader than I. And since the topic came to it, Johnny. Johnny is strong and capable, he would be better off without me.
I squeezed my eyes shut and lowered the gun. My head falling back on my shoulders. I took a deep breath and stood up.
I opened the door as quietly as possible and tried to make as little noise as possible while going down the stairs. The walls had nothing on them, no pictures, no nothing. As I reached the bottom of the stairs my eyes locked with the spot that previously held the carpet where Eesh bled to death. I swallowed the knot in my throat and started moving again.
I went into the kitchen, grabbed a piece of bread out of the bag, pulled out a knife and then opened the cupboard door where I saw a tub on Nutella earlier. I swore under my breath as I saw that it was just a shelf higher of where I could reach. I sighed, brushed my messy bed hair out of my eyes and stood up on my tiptoes in a desperate attempt to reach the tub of gooey deliciousness.
Just as the tips of my fingers touched the tub and I had started a very un-boss-like victory dance in my head, I heard a voice from behind me.
"Need some help with that?"
I screamed. Which is not anything that I would do in a normal situation when someone sneaks up behind me. Usually I would attempt to punch or shoot. However tonight was a different case. I haven't been sleeping properly for weeks and tonight all of my guard had been down.
"JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST JOHNNY GAT, I COULD FUCKING KILL YOU RIGHT NOW! FUCK." I shouted, to which only Johnny replied with a dry chuckle. He motioned to the little island counter in the middle of the kitchen and I hopped to sit on it, while he reached for the tub of Nutella. He, of course, reached it with ease because he was way taller than me.
He placed the tub down next to me and leaned on the counter opposite of where I was sitting. He had his arms folded across his tank top covered chest and his hair was messy, it looked like he had been running his hands through it about a hundred times.
"You can't sleep either huh?" I mumbled, while unscrewing the cap of the tub.
Johnny shook his head. "Naw..." I spread the Nutella over the piece of bread, while avoiding eye contact with him. Why? I don't know. Perhaps because I knew if he'd see my face he'd know how fucking tired I actually was. "Something about this house, man."
We stayed in silence for a while, I ate my bread and he smoked a cigarette. I popped the last piece of bread into my mouth and moaned. "So fucking good." I wiped the corners of my mouth with my fingers. "I don't think I've had a Nutella bread ever since... Well, ever since my ass got fried."
He threw the bag of bread at me, which I caught, and with a grin he said "Knock yourself the fuck out."
"You don't want any?" I asked, already in the process of making myself another one of those delicious breads.
"If you make me."
I sighed and turned toward him, while the piece of bread was on my palm. "Here, have it."
Johnny however didn't take it from my palm, instead he stared at me and furrowed his eyebrows. I'm guessing enough light was coming through the blinds for him to see the bruised, bagged and puffy eyes that I was spotting.
"When was the last time you slept?" He wondered and I opened my mouth to answer him, but he cut me off before I could say anything else. "Properly."
I sighed and cursed myself for having my walls down. "Weeks... Probably over a month now. I don't fucking know, it's not like I've been exactly keeping count."
"Why?" Now this was a question I was caught off by, but I decided to circle the real meaning of the question and started to blabber. Something that I used to do before I was known as "The Boss". Johnny obviously meant that why haven't I been sleeping, a question I wasn't ready to answer. To be completely honest I don't think I have a proper answer for it.
"Well, I don't exactly like to remind myself how many fucking nights I have not slept so why the hell should I keep count eh?" I grinned and bit into my, well now Johnny's, Nutella covered bread.
"You should sleep."
I sighed, something in me snapped. I'm not sure what and not sure why but it did. Maybe it was being in Eesh's house with all of her things without her here. Maybe it was all of the pent up frustration I had in me, frustration that could not be released by killing or driving fast or drinking... Maybe it was something else. I don't know.
"Well no fucking shit! However, Sherlock, I fucking can't. I physically fucking can't, okay? I don't need anyone riding my sorry fucking ass because of that okay?" I set the Nutella bread down rather angrily. "I'll go fucking rob myself some God damn meds tomorrow, alright? Fucking hell. I'm fucking fine. Just. Urgh. I'm fucking fine with the amount that I sleep. Fuck. I'm fucking fine. I'm fine." I swore and my head collapsed into my hands.
Fuck, I felt like crying. I haven't cried in ages, much less in front of someone. I took slow deep breaths though my nose, trying to swallow the lump in my throat once more.
"Jesus..." I heard Johnny mutter. "I knew you were bad but damn..."
I didn't lift my head nor did I say anything. At some point, Johnny wrapped his arms around me and held me. Moments passed while I let him just hold me. Something that no one has ever done. Just held me. I lifted my head into the crook of his neck and wrapped my arms around him, knowing that he needed it as much as I did, if not more.
And we just were like that. In the middle of Aisha's kitchen, in Aisha's house, surrounded by Aisha's things.
It wasn't sexual by any means, though God knows we've had moments when we had been ready to jump each other's bones. This was just two friends, not gang members, not lieutenant and boss, just friends comforting each other in the time of need and sorrow.
I accepted the fact that I was hollow. I accepted that fact that I hate myself more than any of my enemies over the years. I accepted the fact that I was broken beyond repair. However I also accepted that fact that Johnny and I need each other. Just to be there. There for each other.
Johnny saw the side on me that night that I never allowed anyone to see. The girl, broken and alone.