PROLOGUE

Ryan jolted awake and sat upright sweating, chest pounding, taking in the still unfamiliar surroundings. Another night, another nightmare. Ryan had become painfully accustomed to them in the last few months. Never the same ones, but one thing constant. Her. Marissa. He stood up and walked into the small en-suite bathroom. He sprayed water on his face, looked at himself in the mirror. A long scar now ran across his chest, another one over his eyebrow. He sighted wondering if he would ever find peace, be able to make it through a night without the dreams. It was his penitence. His punishment. For killing her.

The next morning Ryan had just walked out of the shower and was still drying his hair with a towel, his thoughts a million miles away when he heard a knock on the door.

"Hey man, you decent?"

The door opened and Travis, the head nurse entered the room. Nurse being quite ironic when you knew Travis was a 6 feet 4 man weighting over 15 stones and with a give them hell attitude.

"So, you're all packed up?"

Ryan smiled. He had never been a smiler. He hadn't smiled much since the accident. But Travis had his ways.

"Are you ready for this?"

Ryan had been asking himself the same question since he'd been told he had made enough progress to go home.

"Honestly? I have no idea. I don't know what's out there"

"That's life for you man. Nothing you can do about that. Now let me tell you what you can do. Do your work but don't overdo it. Mend the body. The rest will figure itself out."

Ryan almost sniggered.

"That simple uh?"

"I never said it was going to be simple. It'll be hell. But one day, you'll wake up and it won't be so hard. Take my word for it"

They were interrupted by the horn of a car downstairs. Travis walked to the window and looked down.

"Your ride is here. I'll let you finish up here."

Travis walked out and Ryan looked around taking in the room that had been his for five months. When he had gotten here a few weeks after the accident, he had been in bad shape. Both physically and mentally. Ruptured spleen, internal bleeding, a dislocated shoulder and a broken leg but he was alive. Marissa wasn't. Marissa died on the side of a road on graduation night. And it was his fault. He knew that no matter how much better he got, he would never forgive himself for it.

Ryan checked the drawers to make sure he didn't forget anything and saw a bundle of letters on top of the desk. He hesitated looking at them unsure whether to bring them with him or not. He could leave them here and never think about them again. But he knew that wouldn't happen. He knew them by heart. He had spend nights and nights going over them over the last few months, each word sticking with him through the days. He finally made a decision and put the letters in his rug sack before walking out of the room.

Outside, Travis and Sandy were deep in conversation.

"So you think he is ready?"

"He is if he wants to."

"He's been through a lot. I hate to admit it but Kirsten and I are a little lost as to what to do to help him"

"The answer is you can't Mr Cohen. The kid's in his own purgatory right now. And you and I, we can't help him with the next stage. He needs to do this on his own terms on his own time.

"You're probably right. But I'm afraid I've never been so good at staying on the sidelines."

"That's why he's lucky to have you. Just give him time."

"Thank you Travis."

Right then, Ryan walked out of the Centre and was welcome by a fatherly hug from Sandy. He hadn't seen him in a few weeks. Since he had asked for them to stop visiting.

"Let me take that from you."

Ryan turned to Travis.

"Remember man, one day at a time."

"Thanks man."

Ryan got in the car as Sandy shook the nurses hand.

"Thanks Travis, for everything."

"He's a good kid, Mr Cohen. He'll be alright."

Sandy smiled to the man, wishing he could feel the same confidence and got it the car. They had a long drive to Newport ahead.

Cassidy Cooper was running on the road, iPod blaring in her ears. The sun was already high up and she felt free. Running always made her feel that way. In boarding school, Cassidy had been quite the athlete. Diving team, track team, captain of the lacrosse team. She liked to push the limits in every discipline. But where she felt most in her element was in the water. When she dove, for a few seconds, she felt as if she could fly.

Her love of sports had been one of the reasons she had asked her parents to go to boarding school instead of attending Harbor with her twin sister where people were more interested into what clothes to wear than the challenge of practicing a sport unless it was water polo of course! As if on cue, Cassidy heard a honk behind her and turned to see the familiar car of Luke Ward pulling up a few yards away from her.

Luke looked at her make her way to him through the side mirror. She was drenched in sweat, her blond hair pulled up in a messy bun, wearing an unflattering track bottom suit but she still looked radiant. Not that he looked at her that way. Despite the fact that Marissa and her were born only a few minutes apart, Cassidy had always had a more innocent way to her which made her seem almost younger. It wasn't the only thing that was different about them. They were twins only by name. They weren't identical and their personalities had been as radically different. Where Marissa had made friends easily and been at the heart of school social life, Cassidy had always been more of an emo who kept to herself and didn't care much for what others thought of her. But Cassidy was also stronger than Marissa on many levels, she had a good head on her shoulder, and was very at ease with herself.

"You know, you keep running like that, you'll end up in LA."

"Yeah? Maybe that's the idea." she teased.

"You could also just take the drive"

She let out a good natured laugh "Good point. "

Luke threw her a bottle of water as she was still trying to catch her breath "Here. I was on my way to see my mum and figured I'd see you here"

"Guess I'm becoming way too predictable." She took a large gulp from the bottle "How is the new Mrs. Ward-Atckins?"

"Happy like a newlywed. The twins are a handful though. Seems they are a less handsome version of me in high school."

"See now that sounds scary."

"You have no idea." He paused wondering whether he should go there or not. "How are things with you and Julie?"

"Next question?"

He gave her a stern look. "Is there anything i can do?"

"Well, you could always sleep with her again, see if that works."

She had meant it as a joke to lighten up the conversation but she could see she had embarrassed him. "Sorry, bad joke."

"Yeah, I should probably go anyway."

"Hey, sound under the radio is playing the bait shop tonight if you want to drop by."

"Sure. I'll see you there."

Seth walked down to the kitchen yawning. He had had a long night the day before watching house of daggers. His mother sure had been busy. The kitchen island was packed with tempting food, pancakes, bagels, freshly cut fruits and she was still cooking something that looked suspiciously

"Morning honey."

"Morning mother. Do you have secret children you never told me about to feed or are you just trying to make it on the Guinness book?"

Kirsten smirked "You're funny. In case you have forgotten, Ryan is coming home today. Your father already went to pick him up."

"The return of the prodigal son."

"Seth..."

Seth held up his hands "Sorry."

"Look, I know things have been... difficult. But Ryan coming home, it's a big deal. ."

"Yeah I know. I might just go pick up some movies. I'm sure the programming in rehab isn't up to the Seth Cohen standards."

"Thank you." Kirsten said kissing his cheek. He took his car keys and walked out. He hopped in his car and started the car before turning it off and laying back on his seat letting his thoughts drift to the only girl he had ever loved.

FLASHBACK

From the moment he had entered her bedroom, he had known something was wrong. It was in the way she had kissed him almost like an afterthought, or the way she had been avoiding his eyes every time he had tried to ask a question. Ever since the funeral, he had felt her slipping away from him and has been unable to do anything to stop it.

"So I was hoping you'd come with me see Ryan this afternoon. I'm sure he'd be happy to see you."

"I can't today. I'm busy."

"How about tomorrow?"

"I can't tomorrow either."

"Summer... what's going on?"

"Nothing I'm just busy."

"Summer, he's been awake for a week now."

"And Marissa is never going to wake up! He killed her Cohen. She was my best friend. And now she's dead. Because of him."

"It was an accident. And he nearly died too."

"But he didn't. And Marissa did. And now everything is so messed up, I just... I can't Cohen."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that he is your brother, I know you have to stand by him. But Marissa? she was like a sister to me. I just... i need some time."

"Okay whatever you need."

"No Cohen, I need some time apart. From us.

Seth was brusquely brought back to reality by his mother knocking on the window.

Looking at him with worried eyes "Honey, are you okay? You looked a million miles away."

"I'm fine mum."

"Well, for the DVDs, I was just thinking, nothing too gory or violent."

Seth couldn't help but smile. They had all been through so much and yet his mother was trying so hard to keep it together. Keep them together.

"Alright mum."