TITLE: Empty
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Post-TPM. POV. Non-Slash. After Qui-Gon's death, an old friend
of Obi-Wan's attempts to help him deal with the loss.
ARCHIVE: Please ask me first.
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas
Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are
copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of
Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the
writing or distribution of this story.
SPECIAL THANKS: To Brenda for really getting me kick started and offering
some wonderful suggestions that made this a much better story than it was
originally. It was just what I needed to get me on the right road.
=======
Empty
=======
I'd heard about Qui-Gon's death while I was on a mission near the outer rim.
I immediately thought of his apprentice, my dear friend, Obi-Wan. It was six
years ago when he and his master reached out to me in my time of need. My
own master, Kem Tovaar, had been lost on a mission. His life taken before it
was time. I was lost without him. I know the pain that Obi-Wan feels now.
And I want to be there for him as he and Qui-Gon were for me.
*****
After landing on Coruscant, and sending my apprentice off to our apartment, I quickly made my way to Obi-Wan's quarters. A young
boy of nine was there to greet me. I suppose this was the 'chosen one' I had
heard others gossiping about on the flight home.
"Good evening, is Obi-Wan in?"
The boy gave me a curious but sad look. "No, he said he was going for a
walk. But I don't think he wants to be bothered right now."
"I understand. When you see him, please tell him I was here. Knight Taash
Evram. I'm an old friend of his."
"I will tell him. There's a chance you might find him though, he said
something about going to the Gardens."
The Meditation Gardens, of course. Obi-Wan frequents there quite a bit when
he wants time alone. "Thank you..."
"Anakin."
"Thank you, Anakin." I turned to leave when he stopped me.
"He hurts right now. But you said you're a friend. He could use one of
those."
I felt the emotions beginning to show on my face, and could only nod to
Anakin. I then began the search for my friend.
*****
He sat alone in the corner, hidden from most others. There was a small, dark
object that he turned over and over in his right hand. Obi-Wan watched it
fall from one finger to the next, his eyes never wandering from it. I could
see the conflict in his face. He was at war with his emotions. The death of
one so close to him. The battle with a Sith. The acceptance of a boy who's
future was so clouded, as his apprentice. Obi-Wan, still an apprentice
himself, now suddenly called to be a master. Jedi life is never simple, but
to have your life so completely changed in a matter of minutes is enough to
bring even the best knights to where Obi-Wan is now.
I sense guilt. I wonder if he is thinking that there was more he could have
done to save Qui-Gon. I don't know all the details of what transpired, but
Obi-Wan would never willingly leave his master's side in a fierce battle.
The need to protect the other is always a strong emotion in Jedi, and is
usually just below the surface of the calm exterior that we put forth. So
too is the fear of what could happen should one fail to protect their
apprentice, or their master. Did something force their separation during the
fight? Something that Obi-Wan feels he could have prevented?
I sense anger. Anger towards himself? Towards Qui-Gon? Or possibly even
towards Anakin? I remember feeling anger at my own master when he died.
Leaving me alone before I was prepared. Obi-Wan could feel much of the same.
I sense uncertainty. The future? Anakin? His fear of failure?
What I sense most of all from him right now, other than the obvious pain, is
loneliness. It's a feeling that hit me hardest in the late evenings after my
master passed. And still does from time to time. You look for the one
person who's been with you for so many years, and they are no longer there.
Sounds, smells, words remind you of them. It creates a pit of despair in
your heart that only time can heal. Obi-Wan is alone. Or so he thinks he is.
It's been just about a week since Qui-Gon's passing, and Obi-Wan I would
guess, has finally been able to get away from everything and everyone and
allow the realization to sink in. Qui-Gon is gone from his life. That
feeling of loneliness hits hardest now.
Not wanting to startle him, I made it known that I was close by as I
approached. "Obi-Wan?"
The pained eyes looked towards me as I came to stand, and then kneel beside
him. "Hi." His eyes were red, but there were no tears. He looked tired and
drawn. Like his entire world had been turned upside down. I know from
experience that it had.
"Hi, Taash. How did your mission go?" Obi-Wan's attempt at small talk and
at avoiding the pain was weak. But I played along.
"It went okay. No major problems. We're being sent back next month, just to
make sure things are remaining quiet. How are you?"
He shrugged. "Okay, I suppose." Then silence. His face belied his words.
I felt comfortable enough with our friendship that I prodded him a bit more.
"Obi-Wan, it's me. I know what you feel. I've been there. Trust me, it'll
get easier in time. Don't feel like you have to be strong for everyone right
now. Allow yourself time to grieve."
"I can't. I have an apprentice to train. I promised Qui-Gon. There is no
time for me to feel sorry for myself."
"There is always time to grieve for a loved one lost, Obi-Wan. If not, than
you make time. Anakin can wait. You need to look after you. Take a step
back from what you promised Qui-Gon and remember what he meant to you. Only
then will you be able to move on and give your padawan the master he
deserves. When I lost Master Kem, I had to relive the past before I could
move forward. And it hurt like hell. But now that I look back, it did make
things easier. I'd like to help you Obi-Wan, just as you and Qui-Gon helped
me. But I don't want to push to hard."
Obi-Wan pursed his lips together, and he concentrated on taking several deep
breaths. He was close to giving in to his emotions. "I'd just rather be
alone right now, Taash. Please. I don't know what to do, or what to say.
The last week has moved so fast. It seems like one big blur. I just...I miss
him."
I put a soft hand on his shoulder, offering what little comfort I could. "I
know. I still miss Master Kem. It'll get better. You give me a call when
you want to talk, okay? I'll make myself available for you."
I stood, and was surprised when Obi-Wan stood with me. I pulled my friend
into a brief embrace, just to let him know I was there. Instead of backing
away, Obi-Wan wrapped his arms around me and held on as if clinging to a life
raft. There were no words spoken. None were needed. I held him away after
a few minutes and saw the blue eyes still rimmed with red, but no longer dry.
"I know you need time alone, Obi-Wan. But I'll be here when you need me."
He nodded and gave a half smile, then found the place where he'd been sitting
before on the lush grass, and gently fell to his knees. The small black
object, a round stone, once again grasped in his hand. It seemed to me to be
only a rock, but I had the feeling that it meant a great deal to him.
Perhaps it was his last link to Qui-Gon. Something he could carry with him.
Something that reminded him of the years they shared as master and apprentice.
As I retreated, all the conflicting emotions ran into his face once more.
Obi-Wan is strong. And very stubborn. Just like the man who taught him for
over a decade. He'll get back on his feet again, and be an even stronger
Jedi for all that he's gone through in the recent past. My part in this is
to be a friend. And that's exactly what I plan on doing.
****
The following day, I overheard that Obi-Wan had gone to the council and asked
to be given a short leave of absence from his Jedi duties. One of those
duties was Anakin. Yoda knew that Obi-Wan hadn't fully dealt with the
Qui-Gon's death, and he agreed to allow Anakin to begin his training under
the watchful eye of the council. Anakin required time to adjust to his new
life, just as Obi-Wan did. The first part of that adjustment period would
leave Kenobi to focus on things other than training an apprentice. I was
pleased to know that the Council was at least trying to do what was best for
them both.
I wandered the temple, looking in on the young initiates. Many of whom were
soon to be apprentices themselves. Even though I had taken a padawan of my own a little over two years ago, I still enjoyed watching the young ones prepare for the day when they would have a master of their own. I thought about the care and patience that I had put into choosing an apprentice that best fit with my life...with my style and abilities. The day I took Ryin Cyr as my student, I was eager to pass on what I had learned from my own
master. Obi-Wan's decision was made for him. He had no choice, at
least in his mind. He and Qui-Gon may have disagreed on some things, and
even engaged in heated arguments about decisions that the other had made, but
he was unwavering in his loyalty to Qui-Gon. So dedicated he was to his
mentor and to his training. It wasn't conceivable that Obi-Wan would
dishonor his teacher by breaking a promise of this magnitude. Qui-Gon's
dying wish. Whether ready for an apprentice or not, Obi-Wan would carry out
the final request of the man who was both father and teacher. If nothing
else, he needs only to know that his master is proud of him.
A padawan's true fear...failure.
After watching the youngsters spar, I continued on my walk. Turning the
corner, I slowed my pace. Obi-Wan was there at the end of the hall. His
hand on Anakin's shoulder. Council member Kloon not to far away. Anakin was
nodding as Obi-Wan spoke to him. I didn't overhear the exchange, but I
suspect Obi-Wan was telling him that he'd be taking time off before he began
training with him. To his credit, Anakin seemed to take everything with
understanding. With a ruffle of boy's blonde hair, Obi-Wan sent him with
Master Kloon, and they were away. For a few moments my old friend just
stared at the wall. Eyes closed. Breathing deeply. He maintained his focus
and composure around Anakin. But once the boy was gone, I could see the
weight of the world descending once again. The stabbing pain in his heart
that just wouldn't go away.
When he opened his eyes, he sensed my presence and he turned in my direction.
A small smile as he walked towards me. "Hi, Taash."
"Hi, Obi-Wan. Don't worry about Anakin. The council will take good care of
him."
He nodded. "I know. Are you free?"
I reached out for his arm, and grasped it tightly. "Come on, let's find
someplace to talk."
"I'd like to go back to my quarters. Maybe you can help me with
moving...Qui-Gon's...things. I...I need to..."
I knew what he meant without any further words. Perhaps this was the hardest
part. Packing Qui-Gon's possessions and storing them away. Filling the
empty bedroom with his own belongings. Allowing Anakin to take the smaller
room that used to be his. It was a good step, and would no doubt lead to
memories both pleasant and painful.
*****
Obi-Wan hesitated before entering his master's bedroom. Knowing that he
wouldn't be able to hold back the emotions forever. We slowly waded through
each item, packing some of them while just moving others. There was no real
protocol for placing the belongings of a master or an apprentice who had
passed into the Force. It was up to the one left behind. I had kept just
about everything from Master Kem. I still have the few possessions that were
his. It helps during those difficult times when you need the comfort of a
friend, but also the want to be alone. It lets you reflect back to your past
and hold that friend close, even when they are no longer with you.
Obi-Wan kept a holo of he and Qui-Gon on the nightstand, and a few small
trinkets that his teacher had collected over the years. He placed those
carefully on the shelf overhanging the dresser. Next to the holo, he placed
that small dark stone that I had seen him with the previous day. He went
over the books that lined the shelves on the opposite side of the room. I
watched him flip through a few of them, pack a couple away, and then lay one
of the more well-read books on the nightstand close to the other objects. An
uncomfortable silence fell over the room as Obi-Wan sat on the edge of the
bed. Memories were flooding his mind. A feeling of emptiness. That's the
one feeling I've never gotten comfortable with completely. That empty,
hollow place that now resides where the once powerful bond linking teacher
and student used to be. Where there was once comfort, now there is nothing.
I knew that look on his face. It was the look of total realization. The
link was gone. Qui-Gon was gone. And although we are told that nothing is
ever final within the Force, as a young Jedi it's hard to believe that death
is not final when you've just lost your teacher, father and best friend.
There is no death, there is the Force.
At this moment, that means nothing to Obi-Wan. There is death. And its
finality is deafening.
*****
I leaned against the doorframe, waiting for him to reach out to me. I knew
him well enough to know that he would talk when he was ready. And he did.
"I can't believe he's gone, Taash. I knew that our time left together was
short. He'd told me on several occasions during the past year that I would
be ready for my trials soon. But not this way. He should be here. He
should be standing with me at a formal knighting ceremony. He should have
been the one to cut this."
He pulled his braid from his belt pouch. A drawer on the nightstand groaned
as Obi-Wan opened it and lifted out a small metallic box. Inside he placed
his braid alongside another. Qui-Gon's hair was a bit darker than Obi-Wan's,
but the colors seemed to blend perfectly. Pairing master and padawan
together. In life and in death.
"There were times that I thought he'd live forever," he said with a short
laugh. "Missions that we should have never survived. But he had this
incredible communion with the Force. I still don't understand it completely.
He always told me there was much more for me to learn about the living
Force, but I could never connect with it like he was able to. If anyone
could live forever, Qui-Gon could." He paused for a moment, then looked at
me with the saddest expression I'd ever seen and said, "I didn't even get a
chance to say goodbye."
The pained eyes and the cracking voice got to me. And I choked back
threatening tears by clearing my throat and looking away for a brief second.
Finally I was able to respond. "His death came quickly?"
"Yes. And he needed to make sure that Anakin would be trained. He sees
something in him that I don't. But I know Qui-Gon never did anything without
reason. The Force willed him to this, and it's my duty to honor this last
wish. Perhaps it was enough that he did not die alone. That I was able to
make it less painful. He looked at me with an expression that I've seen many
times before. It was his way of telling me how proud he was of me. Until
that day, it was always a look that made me smile." Obi-Wan stared at his
hands before continuing his thought. "Then he touched my cheek with his
finger. That was his goodbye."
"And do you resent him for that? For telling you how he felt with actions
rather than words?"
"No, of course not. I think I used to when I was younger. I needed to hear
the praise. I needed to know that I was doing well. But as I got older, I
discovered that he was a man of few words. He spoke more with his actions
than anything. His eyes said a lot. More than words ever could, I think. I
only regret that I didn't get to tell him...goodbye...or to let him know how
proud I was to have been his apprentice. He was just...gone."
I moved to closer to where Obi-Wan sat. He was losing the brave face he'd
been putting on. The accented voice wavered and reached a slightly higher
pitch. Rapid blinking fought to hold in the tears. He sank to his knees,
leaning against the bed. Then pulled his legs out from under him, and drew
them to his chest. "I miss him." Were the only words he could manage.
I crouched beside him, and put an arm around his shoulders. He let his head
fall sideways as he leaned heavily against me. "I know you do. It's okay.
You'll see him again. Until then, you'll keep his memory alive. As
different as you two were, you are also so very much alike. I can see so
much of Qui-Gon in you. That stubbornness. That defiance. That strength.
As you get back into a normal routine, it'll get easier."
Normal. What was normal for my friend anymore? Everything he knew to be
normal, was no longer. A new chapter in his life was beginning. One with
more that it's share of uncertainties.
I kept talking to him. As if my words were enough to fend off the pain. I
knew better, but could not turn my back on Obi-Wan when he needed me.
"Certain things will trigger painful memories, but you'll have just as many
happy memories to go along with those. You've lost your father and best
friend all in one. You'll miss him for the rest of your life. But the pain
will ease in time. We share a similar experience now. A familiar pain. We
can help each other. And when our time comes, we'll see our masters again.
Then you can say all those things that you didn't get the opportunity to say
before. Master Kem is still with me, Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon will always be with
you."
For the first time in the six years we had known each other, I saw Obi-Wan
cry. Just as I had done all those years ago. I sat with him for as long as
he needed me. Returning the support and friendship that he and Qui-Gon had
so freely shown me.
*****
After a few minutes, Obi-Wan was able to partially regain control of his
emotions. He picked himself up from the floor, and began to finish what he
came in the room to do. He was quiet as he went about packing the rest of
Qui-Gon's possessions. I think he was afraid that if he tried to talk
anymore about it, than he'd lose himself once again. I helped the best I
could, but mostly just remained a steady presence for him. I found another
holo of he and Qui-Gon alongside their life-long friend, Master Bren Anders.
I wondered about her.
Obi-Wan came over to stare at the holo. "That was taken last year, before
she left on her new teaching assignment on Rahalan. It's over two weeks
journey from here. But I have no way to contact her that far out. I'm sure
she's heard what's happened. I'd like to see her though."
And he left it at that. A renewed pain washed over his face as he thought
about what it would feel like to see Master Anders again. And to see her
under such circumstances. I'm sure she feels much of the same pain that
Obi-Wan feels right now. Perhaps I could speak with the Council and get them
to arrange for her to come home for a short time. She and Obi-Wan would be
good for each other. I don't know how many times Obi-Wan told me about how
she took care of him when he was younger. And how much Qui-Gon loved her.
"I'm sure she's doing okay, Obi-Wan."
He nodded as he took the holo from me and placed it along side the other near
the bed. He smiled. "She was so important in his life. Always able to make
him laugh. I can't imagine how much she misses him."
"Yes you can. You feel it too."
"I think...I need some air." A change of subject and I followed him out of
his quarters.
*****
Stopping on the balcony that overlooked the city, Obi-Wan put his hands on
the rail. "We were right here when I told him that I disagreed with him
about Anakin."
"If you had it to do all over again, would you disagree with him so strongly?"
"If I had knowledge of the future, no. But without that foreknowledge, I
think I would have stated my feelings about Anakin the same way I did. There
is something about that boy that I don't trust. I can't explain it, but it's
there. It won't prevent me from training him though. I made a promise to
Master Qui-Gon. It's my duty to carry out his final wish."
He didn't say it, but I know he was thinking what I was earlier. His
thoughts turned to failure. He would not fail his master in this. Qui-Gon
entrusted this 'chosen one' to his apprentice. And Obi-Wan would not let his
doubts and uncertainties cloud the promise he made.
When Obi-Wan showed no signs of leaving the balcony, I made a suggestion.
"Let's grab something to eat, I'll treat, then you go get a good night's
rest. I've already made arrangements for a good friend of mine, Master Sali, to supervise Ryin's training for the next day or so. Tomorrow we will get away from the temple for a while. Wander the
city and see what kind of trouble we can get into."
I was rewarded with a smile, but he was hesitant. "I don't know how much fun
I'll actually be."
"That's okay. There's no rush. Remember, you have to take time for you.
All of this can wait."
He agreed, and after dinner he excused himself from my company. "I'll talk
to you tomorrow then?"
"Count on it."
"Thank you, Taash. Your friendship means a great deal to me. Now, more than
ever."
Obi-Wan moved forward and this time he pulled me into a hug. "Thank you."
"You try and get some sleep. You'll think about him tonight. Don't hold
those emotions in. Talk to him if you have too. I talk to Master Kem when
things are to overwhelming. He'll always be there, Obi-Wan. Always."
We broke the embrace, and Obi-Wan quickly wiped away a few stray tears. I
smiled at him and we parted ways for the evening.
He was moving in the right direction. Taking small steps that were key to
his recovery. I remember well how much each step seemed to hurt more than
the previous one. It was a heartrending journey. And just when you think
you've come to terms with the loss, something new will trigger another
memory. And the cycle continues. This entire experience has caused vivid
memories of my own master to resurface. Some are still painful all these
years later, but I've learned how to deal with each in my own way. Obi-Wan
will do the same. And that sorrow will turn to joy. Because a friend...a
master...will never truly be gone, as long as they live on in the heart of
another.
END
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Post-TPM. POV. Non-Slash. After Qui-Gon's death, an old friend
of Obi-Wan's attempts to help him deal with the loss.
ARCHIVE: Please ask me first.
FEEDBACK: Always appreciated.
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas
Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are
copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of
Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the
writing or distribution of this story.
SPECIAL THANKS: To Brenda for really getting me kick started and offering
some wonderful suggestions that made this a much better story than it was
originally. It was just what I needed to get me on the right road.
=======
Empty
=======
I'd heard about Qui-Gon's death while I was on a mission near the outer rim.
I immediately thought of his apprentice, my dear friend, Obi-Wan. It was six
years ago when he and his master reached out to me in my time of need. My
own master, Kem Tovaar, had been lost on a mission. His life taken before it
was time. I was lost without him. I know the pain that Obi-Wan feels now.
And I want to be there for him as he and Qui-Gon were for me.
*****
After landing on Coruscant, and sending my apprentice off to our apartment, I quickly made my way to Obi-Wan's quarters. A young
boy of nine was there to greet me. I suppose this was the 'chosen one' I had
heard others gossiping about on the flight home.
"Good evening, is Obi-Wan in?"
The boy gave me a curious but sad look. "No, he said he was going for a
walk. But I don't think he wants to be bothered right now."
"I understand. When you see him, please tell him I was here. Knight Taash
Evram. I'm an old friend of his."
"I will tell him. There's a chance you might find him though, he said
something about going to the Gardens."
The Meditation Gardens, of course. Obi-Wan frequents there quite a bit when
he wants time alone. "Thank you..."
"Anakin."
"Thank you, Anakin." I turned to leave when he stopped me.
"He hurts right now. But you said you're a friend. He could use one of
those."
I felt the emotions beginning to show on my face, and could only nod to
Anakin. I then began the search for my friend.
*****
He sat alone in the corner, hidden from most others. There was a small, dark
object that he turned over and over in his right hand. Obi-Wan watched it
fall from one finger to the next, his eyes never wandering from it. I could
see the conflict in his face. He was at war with his emotions. The death of
one so close to him. The battle with a Sith. The acceptance of a boy who's
future was so clouded, as his apprentice. Obi-Wan, still an apprentice
himself, now suddenly called to be a master. Jedi life is never simple, but
to have your life so completely changed in a matter of minutes is enough to
bring even the best knights to where Obi-Wan is now.
I sense guilt. I wonder if he is thinking that there was more he could have
done to save Qui-Gon. I don't know all the details of what transpired, but
Obi-Wan would never willingly leave his master's side in a fierce battle.
The need to protect the other is always a strong emotion in Jedi, and is
usually just below the surface of the calm exterior that we put forth. So
too is the fear of what could happen should one fail to protect their
apprentice, or their master. Did something force their separation during the
fight? Something that Obi-Wan feels he could have prevented?
I sense anger. Anger towards himself? Towards Qui-Gon? Or possibly even
towards Anakin? I remember feeling anger at my own master when he died.
Leaving me alone before I was prepared. Obi-Wan could feel much of the same.
I sense uncertainty. The future? Anakin? His fear of failure?
What I sense most of all from him right now, other than the obvious pain, is
loneliness. It's a feeling that hit me hardest in the late evenings after my
master passed. And still does from time to time. You look for the one
person who's been with you for so many years, and they are no longer there.
Sounds, smells, words remind you of them. It creates a pit of despair in
your heart that only time can heal. Obi-Wan is alone. Or so he thinks he is.
It's been just about a week since Qui-Gon's passing, and Obi-Wan I would
guess, has finally been able to get away from everything and everyone and
allow the realization to sink in. Qui-Gon is gone from his life. That
feeling of loneliness hits hardest now.
Not wanting to startle him, I made it known that I was close by as I
approached. "Obi-Wan?"
The pained eyes looked towards me as I came to stand, and then kneel beside
him. "Hi." His eyes were red, but there were no tears. He looked tired and
drawn. Like his entire world had been turned upside down. I know from
experience that it had.
"Hi, Taash. How did your mission go?" Obi-Wan's attempt at small talk and
at avoiding the pain was weak. But I played along.
"It went okay. No major problems. We're being sent back next month, just to
make sure things are remaining quiet. How are you?"
He shrugged. "Okay, I suppose." Then silence. His face belied his words.
I felt comfortable enough with our friendship that I prodded him a bit more.
"Obi-Wan, it's me. I know what you feel. I've been there. Trust me, it'll
get easier in time. Don't feel like you have to be strong for everyone right
now. Allow yourself time to grieve."
"I can't. I have an apprentice to train. I promised Qui-Gon. There is no
time for me to feel sorry for myself."
"There is always time to grieve for a loved one lost, Obi-Wan. If not, than
you make time. Anakin can wait. You need to look after you. Take a step
back from what you promised Qui-Gon and remember what he meant to you. Only
then will you be able to move on and give your padawan the master he
deserves. When I lost Master Kem, I had to relive the past before I could
move forward. And it hurt like hell. But now that I look back, it did make
things easier. I'd like to help you Obi-Wan, just as you and Qui-Gon helped
me. But I don't want to push to hard."
Obi-Wan pursed his lips together, and he concentrated on taking several deep
breaths. He was close to giving in to his emotions. "I'd just rather be
alone right now, Taash. Please. I don't know what to do, or what to say.
The last week has moved so fast. It seems like one big blur. I just...I miss
him."
I put a soft hand on his shoulder, offering what little comfort I could. "I
know. I still miss Master Kem. It'll get better. You give me a call when
you want to talk, okay? I'll make myself available for you."
I stood, and was surprised when Obi-Wan stood with me. I pulled my friend
into a brief embrace, just to let him know I was there. Instead of backing
away, Obi-Wan wrapped his arms around me and held on as if clinging to a life
raft. There were no words spoken. None were needed. I held him away after
a few minutes and saw the blue eyes still rimmed with red, but no longer dry.
"I know you need time alone, Obi-Wan. But I'll be here when you need me."
He nodded and gave a half smile, then found the place where he'd been sitting
before on the lush grass, and gently fell to his knees. The small black
object, a round stone, once again grasped in his hand. It seemed to me to be
only a rock, but I had the feeling that it meant a great deal to him.
Perhaps it was his last link to Qui-Gon. Something he could carry with him.
Something that reminded him of the years they shared as master and apprentice.
As I retreated, all the conflicting emotions ran into his face once more.
Obi-Wan is strong. And very stubborn. Just like the man who taught him for
over a decade. He'll get back on his feet again, and be an even stronger
Jedi for all that he's gone through in the recent past. My part in this is
to be a friend. And that's exactly what I plan on doing.
****
The following day, I overheard that Obi-Wan had gone to the council and asked
to be given a short leave of absence from his Jedi duties. One of those
duties was Anakin. Yoda knew that Obi-Wan hadn't fully dealt with the
Qui-Gon's death, and he agreed to allow Anakin to begin his training under
the watchful eye of the council. Anakin required time to adjust to his new
life, just as Obi-Wan did. The first part of that adjustment period would
leave Kenobi to focus on things other than training an apprentice. I was
pleased to know that the Council was at least trying to do what was best for
them both.
I wandered the temple, looking in on the young initiates. Many of whom were
soon to be apprentices themselves. Even though I had taken a padawan of my own a little over two years ago, I still enjoyed watching the young ones prepare for the day when they would have a master of their own. I thought about the care and patience that I had put into choosing an apprentice that best fit with my life...with my style and abilities. The day I took Ryin Cyr as my student, I was eager to pass on what I had learned from my own
master. Obi-Wan's decision was made for him. He had no choice, at
least in his mind. He and Qui-Gon may have disagreed on some things, and
even engaged in heated arguments about decisions that the other had made, but
he was unwavering in his loyalty to Qui-Gon. So dedicated he was to his
mentor and to his training. It wasn't conceivable that Obi-Wan would
dishonor his teacher by breaking a promise of this magnitude. Qui-Gon's
dying wish. Whether ready for an apprentice or not, Obi-Wan would carry out
the final request of the man who was both father and teacher. If nothing
else, he needs only to know that his master is proud of him.
A padawan's true fear...failure.
After watching the youngsters spar, I continued on my walk. Turning the
corner, I slowed my pace. Obi-Wan was there at the end of the hall. His
hand on Anakin's shoulder. Council member Kloon not to far away. Anakin was
nodding as Obi-Wan spoke to him. I didn't overhear the exchange, but I
suspect Obi-Wan was telling him that he'd be taking time off before he began
training with him. To his credit, Anakin seemed to take everything with
understanding. With a ruffle of boy's blonde hair, Obi-Wan sent him with
Master Kloon, and they were away. For a few moments my old friend just
stared at the wall. Eyes closed. Breathing deeply. He maintained his focus
and composure around Anakin. But once the boy was gone, I could see the
weight of the world descending once again. The stabbing pain in his heart
that just wouldn't go away.
When he opened his eyes, he sensed my presence and he turned in my direction.
A small smile as he walked towards me. "Hi, Taash."
"Hi, Obi-Wan. Don't worry about Anakin. The council will take good care of
him."
He nodded. "I know. Are you free?"
I reached out for his arm, and grasped it tightly. "Come on, let's find
someplace to talk."
"I'd like to go back to my quarters. Maybe you can help me with
moving...Qui-Gon's...things. I...I need to..."
I knew what he meant without any further words. Perhaps this was the hardest
part. Packing Qui-Gon's possessions and storing them away. Filling the
empty bedroom with his own belongings. Allowing Anakin to take the smaller
room that used to be his. It was a good step, and would no doubt lead to
memories both pleasant and painful.
*****
Obi-Wan hesitated before entering his master's bedroom. Knowing that he
wouldn't be able to hold back the emotions forever. We slowly waded through
each item, packing some of them while just moving others. There was no real
protocol for placing the belongings of a master or an apprentice who had
passed into the Force. It was up to the one left behind. I had kept just
about everything from Master Kem. I still have the few possessions that were
his. It helps during those difficult times when you need the comfort of a
friend, but also the want to be alone. It lets you reflect back to your past
and hold that friend close, even when they are no longer with you.
Obi-Wan kept a holo of he and Qui-Gon on the nightstand, and a few small
trinkets that his teacher had collected over the years. He placed those
carefully on the shelf overhanging the dresser. Next to the holo, he placed
that small dark stone that I had seen him with the previous day. He went
over the books that lined the shelves on the opposite side of the room. I
watched him flip through a few of them, pack a couple away, and then lay one
of the more well-read books on the nightstand close to the other objects. An
uncomfortable silence fell over the room as Obi-Wan sat on the edge of the
bed. Memories were flooding his mind. A feeling of emptiness. That's the
one feeling I've never gotten comfortable with completely. That empty,
hollow place that now resides where the once powerful bond linking teacher
and student used to be. Where there was once comfort, now there is nothing.
I knew that look on his face. It was the look of total realization. The
link was gone. Qui-Gon was gone. And although we are told that nothing is
ever final within the Force, as a young Jedi it's hard to believe that death
is not final when you've just lost your teacher, father and best friend.
There is no death, there is the Force.
At this moment, that means nothing to Obi-Wan. There is death. And its
finality is deafening.
*****
I leaned against the doorframe, waiting for him to reach out to me. I knew
him well enough to know that he would talk when he was ready. And he did.
"I can't believe he's gone, Taash. I knew that our time left together was
short. He'd told me on several occasions during the past year that I would
be ready for my trials soon. But not this way. He should be here. He
should be standing with me at a formal knighting ceremony. He should have
been the one to cut this."
He pulled his braid from his belt pouch. A drawer on the nightstand groaned
as Obi-Wan opened it and lifted out a small metallic box. Inside he placed
his braid alongside another. Qui-Gon's hair was a bit darker than Obi-Wan's,
but the colors seemed to blend perfectly. Pairing master and padawan
together. In life and in death.
"There were times that I thought he'd live forever," he said with a short
laugh. "Missions that we should have never survived. But he had this
incredible communion with the Force. I still don't understand it completely.
He always told me there was much more for me to learn about the living
Force, but I could never connect with it like he was able to. If anyone
could live forever, Qui-Gon could." He paused for a moment, then looked at
me with the saddest expression I'd ever seen and said, "I didn't even get a
chance to say goodbye."
The pained eyes and the cracking voice got to me. And I choked back
threatening tears by clearing my throat and looking away for a brief second.
Finally I was able to respond. "His death came quickly?"
"Yes. And he needed to make sure that Anakin would be trained. He sees
something in him that I don't. But I know Qui-Gon never did anything without
reason. The Force willed him to this, and it's my duty to honor this last
wish. Perhaps it was enough that he did not die alone. That I was able to
make it less painful. He looked at me with an expression that I've seen many
times before. It was his way of telling me how proud he was of me. Until
that day, it was always a look that made me smile." Obi-Wan stared at his
hands before continuing his thought. "Then he touched my cheek with his
finger. That was his goodbye."
"And do you resent him for that? For telling you how he felt with actions
rather than words?"
"No, of course not. I think I used to when I was younger. I needed to hear
the praise. I needed to know that I was doing well. But as I got older, I
discovered that he was a man of few words. He spoke more with his actions
than anything. His eyes said a lot. More than words ever could, I think. I
only regret that I didn't get to tell him...goodbye...or to let him know how
proud I was to have been his apprentice. He was just...gone."
I moved to closer to where Obi-Wan sat. He was losing the brave face he'd
been putting on. The accented voice wavered and reached a slightly higher
pitch. Rapid blinking fought to hold in the tears. He sank to his knees,
leaning against the bed. Then pulled his legs out from under him, and drew
them to his chest. "I miss him." Were the only words he could manage.
I crouched beside him, and put an arm around his shoulders. He let his head
fall sideways as he leaned heavily against me. "I know you do. It's okay.
You'll see him again. Until then, you'll keep his memory alive. As
different as you two were, you are also so very much alike. I can see so
much of Qui-Gon in you. That stubbornness. That defiance. That strength.
As you get back into a normal routine, it'll get easier."
Normal. What was normal for my friend anymore? Everything he knew to be
normal, was no longer. A new chapter in his life was beginning. One with
more that it's share of uncertainties.
I kept talking to him. As if my words were enough to fend off the pain. I
knew better, but could not turn my back on Obi-Wan when he needed me.
"Certain things will trigger painful memories, but you'll have just as many
happy memories to go along with those. You've lost your father and best
friend all in one. You'll miss him for the rest of your life. But the pain
will ease in time. We share a similar experience now. A familiar pain. We
can help each other. And when our time comes, we'll see our masters again.
Then you can say all those things that you didn't get the opportunity to say
before. Master Kem is still with me, Obi-Wan. Qui-Gon will always be with
you."
For the first time in the six years we had known each other, I saw Obi-Wan
cry. Just as I had done all those years ago. I sat with him for as long as
he needed me. Returning the support and friendship that he and Qui-Gon had
so freely shown me.
*****
After a few minutes, Obi-Wan was able to partially regain control of his
emotions. He picked himself up from the floor, and began to finish what he
came in the room to do. He was quiet as he went about packing the rest of
Qui-Gon's possessions. I think he was afraid that if he tried to talk
anymore about it, than he'd lose himself once again. I helped the best I
could, but mostly just remained a steady presence for him. I found another
holo of he and Qui-Gon alongside their life-long friend, Master Bren Anders.
I wondered about her.
Obi-Wan came over to stare at the holo. "That was taken last year, before
she left on her new teaching assignment on Rahalan. It's over two weeks
journey from here. But I have no way to contact her that far out. I'm sure
she's heard what's happened. I'd like to see her though."
And he left it at that. A renewed pain washed over his face as he thought
about what it would feel like to see Master Anders again. And to see her
under such circumstances. I'm sure she feels much of the same pain that
Obi-Wan feels right now. Perhaps I could speak with the Council and get them
to arrange for her to come home for a short time. She and Obi-Wan would be
good for each other. I don't know how many times Obi-Wan told me about how
she took care of him when he was younger. And how much Qui-Gon loved her.
"I'm sure she's doing okay, Obi-Wan."
He nodded as he took the holo from me and placed it along side the other near
the bed. He smiled. "She was so important in his life. Always able to make
him laugh. I can't imagine how much she misses him."
"Yes you can. You feel it too."
"I think...I need some air." A change of subject and I followed him out of
his quarters.
*****
Stopping on the balcony that overlooked the city, Obi-Wan put his hands on
the rail. "We were right here when I told him that I disagreed with him
about Anakin."
"If you had it to do all over again, would you disagree with him so strongly?"
"If I had knowledge of the future, no. But without that foreknowledge, I
think I would have stated my feelings about Anakin the same way I did. There
is something about that boy that I don't trust. I can't explain it, but it's
there. It won't prevent me from training him though. I made a promise to
Master Qui-Gon. It's my duty to carry out his final wish."
He didn't say it, but I know he was thinking what I was earlier. His
thoughts turned to failure. He would not fail his master in this. Qui-Gon
entrusted this 'chosen one' to his apprentice. And Obi-Wan would not let his
doubts and uncertainties cloud the promise he made.
When Obi-Wan showed no signs of leaving the balcony, I made a suggestion.
"Let's grab something to eat, I'll treat, then you go get a good night's
rest. I've already made arrangements for a good friend of mine, Master Sali, to supervise Ryin's training for the next day or so. Tomorrow we will get away from the temple for a while. Wander the
city and see what kind of trouble we can get into."
I was rewarded with a smile, but he was hesitant. "I don't know how much fun
I'll actually be."
"That's okay. There's no rush. Remember, you have to take time for you.
All of this can wait."
He agreed, and after dinner he excused himself from my company. "I'll talk
to you tomorrow then?"
"Count on it."
"Thank you, Taash. Your friendship means a great deal to me. Now, more than
ever."
Obi-Wan moved forward and this time he pulled me into a hug. "Thank you."
"You try and get some sleep. You'll think about him tonight. Don't hold
those emotions in. Talk to him if you have too. I talk to Master Kem when
things are to overwhelming. He'll always be there, Obi-Wan. Always."
We broke the embrace, and Obi-Wan quickly wiped away a few stray tears. I
smiled at him and we parted ways for the evening.
He was moving in the right direction. Taking small steps that were key to
his recovery. I remember well how much each step seemed to hurt more than
the previous one. It was a heartrending journey. And just when you think
you've come to terms with the loss, something new will trigger another
memory. And the cycle continues. This entire experience has caused vivid
memories of my own master to resurface. Some are still painful all these
years later, but I've learned how to deal with each in my own way. Obi-Wan
will do the same. And that sorrow will turn to joy. Because a friend...a
master...will never truly be gone, as long as they live on in the heart of
another.
END