Beyond The Limit
Addict – To devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively.
Addiction – The quality or state of being addicted; Compulsive need for and use of a habit forming substance characterized by tolerance and by well defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly: persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful
Addicted – Having a compulsive physiological need for a habit forming substance.
One. Two. Three. Four… He had lost count of all the pills he had swallowed in between each mouthful of alcohol but one thing he did know was that there was no longer any pain. In felt he felt numb and he was relishing in the numbness, welcoming it in his dark spiral.
Alone… He was alone, had pushed everyone away, and shut everyone out. He didn't really know how it happened, how he became so lonely, so alone. Yes I do, I lied and hurt them. The bitter thought entered his frazzled mind. I had so many chances but Andy died and no one could help me. Hell I couldn't even help myself. I still can't help myself. Reasoning and realisation were the next steps in his thinking. Another pill swallowed, another blister pack emptied and left to fall on the floor beside him, and another long pull of alcohol to finish the bottle, another bottle to throw and hear it shatter in the vicinity.
I'm addicted, I have an addiction, I am an addict. That realisation was not new but he was no longer able to avoid it. No longer able to lie to himself. He laughed bitterly, it echoing around the all to silent apartment, the all too empty apartment. I have it under control. He argued but his roommate and best friend had promptly shut that down, and she was right, like always. He missed her all the time even when she was just across the apparatus floor from him. She left him, abandoned him, but he couldn't hate her, he could never hate her. He only hated himself, hated what he had become, hated who he had become.
Another pill washed down by yet more alcohol. I don't care anymore. Truthfully he had stopped caring a long time ago. What was another pill? What was another mouthful, or three, of alcohol? No one can save me, not when I can't save myself. A sinking feeling enveloped him completely. I'm not worth saving. The darkness in his mind and his heart ran wild as he felt his body falter. He slumped further down against the wall, bent awkwardly at his neck as he was mostly on the floor.
Overdose. It flashed fleetingly in his mind, bright like a neon sign, and he didn't know whether he should panic or just go with what was about to happen to him. The chemicals mixed with the alcohol quickly won out, his weary ravaged body reacting, and making the decision for him. He let his eyes close, the overwhelming need to sleep winning out as his body went lax and his breathes became shallower.
Shay couldn't shake the growing pit in her stomach over the past few days, a never ending, increasingly vile fear enveloping her immensely. She knew the only man she ever loved was struggling, was breaking down in front of her eyes, and everyone else's although he would never admit it. He'd become increasingly isolated, had walled himself off from everyone, afraid of all that he had lost and all that he had yet to lose. I left him… but I had too; I couldn't watch him kill himself. But he is anyway. The guilt had been gnawing at her, growing with each passing day, and simultaneously tearing her apart.
"Kelly." She yelled as she knocked her fist against the door heavily. "C'mon Kel, please." She almost begged. If anyone asked how she got there, she wouldn't be able to tell them; it was all a blur through the panic coursing through her veins. Something's wrong. Her brain screamed at her. As distant as he had been since she moved out she knew him, and she knew he would open the door to her if he could. Key. Where is it? I didn't give it back. Her slender hands dove into her bag, shoving the contents around as she searched having removed it from her keyring and tossed it in her bag. Frustrated she ended up tipping her entire bag out onto the ground, finally spotting the small metallic object, and picking it up before mindlessly shoving everything else back in.
"Kelly, I'm coming in." She yelled through the door. Please don't have the chain on or deadbolt locked. She thought as she slid the key into the lock, silently thankful when the key turned and the door unlocked. She was immediately greeted by the darkness and a smell of staleness. Her nimble fingers found the light switch and with a quick flick the apartment was bathed in bright light, enough to make her squint before her eyes adjusted. "Kelly." She called again to receive only resounding silence as she walked further into the apartment seeing for the first time just how bad things had gotten. The apartment was a mess. Empty bottles and shattered glass everywhere. Clothing scattered everywhere in crumpled folds. Food still inside containers untouched, decaying. A thin yet visible layer of dust settled across almost every surface. The apartment was a mess; a symbolic representation of the man who still lived there.
Shay slowly and carefully made her way through the apartment in search of Kelly. Her heart stopped momentarily and her breath hitched as she found him on the cold ground with his head against the wall and his neck bent at an odd angle. "No. Kelly, come on, not like this." She called to the unconscious man as she fell to her knees beside him, her hand already dialling 9-1-1 for an ambulance knowing she couldn't help him without the medicine and medical equipment that would save her life. She slapped his face lightly a few times hoping to rouse him although his pulse was weak, his breathing shallow and slowed, his skin was cold yet clammy, and a bluish tinge had begun to appear around his lips. All the usual signs of an opioid overdose. "Please, Kelly please wake up." She begged as the tears began to fall down her own increasingly paling skin. You can't die. Not like this. Please Kelly. Despite all of her medical training she wasn't prepared for this, for Kelly to be overdosing in front of her, and being unable to do anything other than wait for an ambulance to arrive to help him, to save him.
"S-S-Shay." Kelly struggled against the consuming pull to fall unconscious again, although a hallucination seemed more plausible to him then Shay really being there with him in his drug addled mind. The sudden urge to vomit took over as his body rebelled against his toxic combination of pain pills and alcohol that he had hastily ingested. All he wanted to do was curl in on himself but his body wouldn't comply instead it rebelled further and his throat burned as the pills and alcohol reappeared.
"I'm here, you're going to be alright Kelly." Shay did her best to reassure him despite her voice cracking as the terror seeped in. she had moved him into the recovery position, her trembling hands holding him there. Just a little longer. She glanced at the clock, time having slowed, and knew that there was still minutes before help arrived. She looked back at Kelly seeing his eyes slip closed again. "Open your eyes for me Kelly! Let me see those beautiful eyes. That's it Kel, good, that's good." His eyes opened although unfocused as she applied a sternal rub using painful stimuli to keep him conscious.
"I-I didn't mean… I-I'm sorry." His slurred speech and his honest words gave her a realisation of her own, this was his rock bottom but he had hit it long before this. His body tensed beneath her hands as he vomited again. "I know, I know. We're going to sort everything." She wasn't sure who she was reassuring more, him or herself. "Nothing's left, all g-gone." His words terrified her. He's given up on himself. "Nothing's gone Kelly, I promise." The tears fell faster as his condition continually deteriorated.
"You have to fight Kelly, just like always." She wanted to shake him, yell at him but she couldn't bring herself too; she was terrified that it may be the last words he would hear. "…est friend. L-love…" His words spoken as if they were his last as he used what little energy he had left to reach his hand out and clasp hers. He felt so cold and the contrast between their hands made her concern grow. His eyes slipped closed again, and no painful stimulus would make them open again. Not like this, you are not dying on me Kelly Severide. She pulled his eyelids up and sighed in relief that they were still responsive even if he wasn't. waiting wasn't one of her strong suits but it was all she could do.
"Paramedics!"
"In here." She had never felt so relieved to see two strangers in her life. "What have we got?" One of the paramedics, the male one, who was vaguely recognisable asked her. "Kelly Severide. Opioid and alcohol overdose. Weak pulse, shallow breathing, cold and clammy, and has vomited twice. Was conscious and talking two minutes ago, although unresponsive upon my arrival." It was natural to rattle off a patient's status but not with Kelly, it was painful and even her own voice sounded foreign to her.
"Administer naloxone and intubate. I'll get I.V access." The female paramedic, the P.I.C, rattled off the orders already establishing intravenous access. "His neck is broken." The words rushed out of Shay, the secret voiced for all to know but it was vital medical information that was needed to avoid doing anymore damage. "Brace his neck, and get a backboard." Another order and another flurry of activity around them.
Shay stood watching and followed them to the awaiting ambulance. All she could do was watch and hold his cold limp hand in hers as the paramedic fought to heel Kelly alive infusing intravenous dextrose to combat his hypoglycaemia with the intravenous fluids, along with another dose of naloxone. He's not fighting. Maybe this is what he wants, maybe he's done. She quickly dismissed her thoughts but then came the questions about damage, long term life changing damage. Her hand being pulled away from his bought her back to reality. The ambulance had stopped, they were at the hospital and Kelly was being taken into an open trauma bay. A nurse stopping her, holding her up; she wasn't sure which, maybe both was more accurate.
Please let him be alright. Please I need him to be alright, I need him… I hurt him, I left, and now we are here. I wonder if this is how he felt after the ambulance crash. He called my parents. Should I call his? Boden? Matt? No, it should be his choice. He needs help, and he'll need support. Each length of the waiting room as she paced bought another frantic thought, raised another question in her frazzled mind. Get him clean, and sober. Get him the surgery to repair his neck, Easy! No, not that easy… How long has it been? Planning, she needed to make a plan or multiple plans. She looked around the waiting room as she came to a complete halt and realised that a doctor was making his way towards her after a nurse pointed her out.
"You came in with Mr Severide?" The emergency room attending asked as he guided her over to the nearest seats. All she could do was nod as the fear rose abundantly. "His emergency contact is Leslie Shay, is that you?" The doctor asked earning another nod in confirmation as he looked up from the tablet held in his hands. Thank god he didn't change that. The thought bought her the smallest amount of relief, and allowed her to find her voice again.
"How is he?" She feared the answer but she had to know. "Incredibly lucky. We managed to stabilise him. There was no oxygen deprivation to cause any brain damage although he may still be confused when he wakes given that we have braced his neck and immobilized his shoulder and arm with a sling. We will be monitoring him continuously for the next twelve to twenty four hours whilst his system detoxes which we will help with. Given his neck injury, I can understand why his toxicology report showed what it did." It sounded remarkable, it sounded unbelievable but he was alive and that was what mattered, what was most important.
"Can I see him?" She had to see him, touch him, for it all to sink in, to know he was really alive. "We're just getting him settled now. I'll have a nurse take you through shortly. Do you have any questions?" the doctor was kinder than most who dealt with overdose victims. "No, I just want to see him… thank you for saving him." It was all she could say; there were questions to ask and answers that were needed but now was not the time. "You saved him first by being there." The doctor's parting words stung. I didn't, I left him knowing the pain, the anguish, he was in. Tough love has never worked with Kelly. Benny's whole parenting style had been and was still tough love, and their relationship was strained – that's a polite way to describe it. She knew Kelly, knew what he responded to best but had completely disregarded it. She felt guilty, felt like she should take some of the responsibility, share some of the blame. He hated being alone, he wasn't good at being alone, never had been. I left him alone knowing he hates it. She made a silent vow that he would never be alone again like he had been. He needed that connection, that grounding, that company.
"Come on sweetheart, I'll show you to Mr Severide's room." An older nurse told her, clearly concerned for the young woman who had been pacing relentlessly under her watchful eyes for the entire time she had waited for news on her friend. Shay stood wearily and followed the nurse through the sterile halls of the hospital until they reached the room that Kelly had been settled into. "It's alright to be scared sweetheart, it means you care." Her hesitation was noticeable. With a gentle pat to the forearm she was left alone outside the door. I've been waiting to see him and now I'm hesitating. With that thought she made herself move, pushing the door open just enough to slip inside then closed it softly behind her, blocking out the world.
She moved across the room to his side, dropping her bag onto the chair, before she took his hand in hers grateful and relieved that his skin felt warm again. He was still too pale but his vitals were a lot stronger than they had been on the way to the hospital. The nasal cannula had dropped slightly and her free hand automatically reached out and readjusted it. The peripheral lines continued to deliver intravenous fluids to him. This is just the beginning though. There was still so much to sort out with his neck and addiction being equal in priority. The neck brace and sling serving as a stark reminder of what sent him spiralling into the black abyss in the first place. She settled into the chair with her legs curled under her and his hand still in hers as the wait for him to wake started, or continued, depending on how it was defined.
The shrill continuous beeping penetrated through the haziness and his body felt heavy. Overdose. I overdosed. Shay, I'm sure she was there. No, she wouldn't be there, not after everything. But she sounded so real. The panic set in as he fought to open his eyes as he realised what had happened. Hospital. That beeping is a monitor. I'm in the hospital. "Kelly, it's okay, you're okay." Shay was out of the chair seeing his breath quicken and his heart rate elevate. "Open your eyes for me." Her hand brushed through his hair as her other hand squeezed his; she expected that he would be disorientated.
It took him a few more seconds before he managed to open his eyes and a few more until they focused. He didn't miss his visible relief, or her glassy eyes. Yet again, I've hurt her, hurt the one I love. It pained him, he was trapped in a vicious circle and he didn't want to be.
"You're in hospital. You took too many pills and drank too much alcohol. You can't move your neck or right arm at the moment. You have a neck brace and a sling on so you don't injure yourself further… I'm sorry, I had to tell the doctors that your neck is broken." Why the hell are you apologising? I should be the one apologising. "No, I'm sorry." His throat hurt and was painfully dry but he needed her to know. This was the scare he needed.
"I'll go cold turkey and get the surgery." His decision was made in the moment but he meant it despite the implications. He never wanted to overdose again, or terrify her which was abundantly clear that he had. She put a straw to his lips which he took enjoying the coolness of the water as it eased the dryness he felt in his mouth and throat. She's still taking care of me despite everything I have put her through.
"We'll get through this, you and me." There was that stubborn resolve of hers that he loved and that frustrated him endlessly.
"I love you Shay." His speech was beginning to slur as the tiredness set in again. "I love you too, now go to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up." She reassured him knowing that sleep was what he needed. She waited until he was asleep before she settled back down into the uncomfortable chair. The relief was palpable and her own tiredness hit her full force; she leaned forward and let her head rest on her arms making sure her hand was still entwined with his then closed her eyes. Just for a few minutes. She flicked her eyes open making sure he was asleep and resting comfortably before closing them again, succumbing to her own exhaustion.
Kelly woke and smiled sadly as he realised Shay was still there asleep. It wasn't a terrible nightmare. He hoped it had been a nightmare but it wasn't. He had put her through hell and he never wanted to do that. His own selfish need not to be alone prevented him from waking her and telling her to go home and sleep in her own bed. There was no hiding anymore and as terrified as he was he also felt relieved that he no longer had to hide.