a/n: hello readers! I'm a little unsure about this one. It's a bit wilder than my first attempt at snape/lily. I wanted to see a Severus that was a bit more in charge, a bit darker than the one I created in the potions cupboard, but one that still had the gentleness that Lily fell in love with. Hope you enjoy, happy reading!
Sixth Year
Lily sat in Potions Class, holding her breath and looking around at the other students as a gambler would count cards. The Professor was naming off students, randomly pairing them into the groups they would work with over the next few days. Her name still hadn't come up, and neither had his. She felt her eyes begin to glance toward him, but she scolded herself and kept her attentions focused on the professor. Soon enough the names she'd been dreading hearing together were said, and she felt her heart sink as she stood and began gathering her things. There was no way she could keep up her silence now that they were going to be partners.
"Hello lily." his voice was warmer than she remembered and she looked up, their eyes connecting for the first time since their fight.
"Severus." she meant to sound superior and indifferent, but her voice betrayed the nervousness she was feeling.
"Looks like fate has put us back together."
"Looks that way." she nodded and followed the rest of the class out of the room.
As the students filed down the corridor, Severus kept his head down. That didn't stop him from glancing up every once in a while to watch the way lily's body moved under her cloak. He knew it was wrong, but he just couldn't help himself. It had been so long since they'd spoken, since she'd paid any attention to him, and he wasn't about to take it for granted.
The group reached the library and took their seats at one of the long tables. Most partners sat next to each other, but Severus noticed that she deliberately took the seat across from him. He sighed as he sat down, knowing that this was not going to be easy. She looked up when the professor passed out their assignments, her eyes widening as she read the words.
He found her response curious and looked down at his own paper. Perhaps fate really was playing with them after all. The top of the page said 'Love Potion #11'. He pursed his lips and looked back at her, shocked to find that she was openly staring at him, searching his eyes for a reaction as he searched hers.
"Severus I swear if I find out that you charmed this paper and tricked the professor into making us partners, I will hex you into next year."
He smirked and leaned over the table to her, noticing that she didn't shrink away. "Who's to say that you aren't the one that charmed and tricked?"
"Are you trying to suggest that I've spent all this time missing you?"
"Well haven't you?" he asked, not sure if he wanted the answer.
She opened her mouth to retort, but the professor interrupted her thoughts and she turned toward the head of the table where he stood, dictating to them the importance if respecting the books and rules of the library in which they were. She was the last one that needed to be reminded of such things, so she looked back to the paper, wondering just what she was getting herself into.
The love potion#11 is not a very common potion, and not an easy one to brew. Most muggles are familiar with love potion#9, but be aware that this one is quite different. In order for this potion to be brewed correctly it must be started by a man in love and completed by the woman that he loves. If she loves him in return a blue smoke will emit from the cauldron when the potion is completed. If a pink smoke is seen, it means that the woman's love is for another.
Lily looked to Severus, desperately praying to the. Gods that he would suddenly jump up at demand that the professor switch him partners, that he wouldn't dare work with a muggle-born, but he didn't. He just looked right back at her, his long fingers creasing the sides of the paper where he gripped it tightly. He seemed to be barely breathing and she wondered just what was wrong with him exactly.
The professor spoke again, bringing the murmuring students attentions back to him. Apparently the other partners were excited about their prospective potions, meanwhile fear turned Lily's stomach inside and out, even though she wasn't entirely sure why. It was Severus after all, and she knew that the hatred and hurt in her she had been caring around with her ever since that day, woe cover up whatever love she had felt for him before he had called her such horrid things.
"Today is going to be your first and only day in the library to research the potion I have given you and your partner on class time. The finished brew is due two days from now, and will be presented in front of the class that morning. Please use your time wisely, as I am sure you do not want to be coming back on your free time."
With that statement concluding his lecture he took a seat at the head of the table and pulled today's issue of the daily prophet out of his robes. Lily bit her lip and pushed back from the table, speaking but not looking at Severus as she did so. She saw him began to stand and shook her head.
"You can stay here, I'll go get us some books to read through before everyone starts pulling from the shelf." he nodded and settled back into the chair, not wanting to piss her off this early.
Lily was still staring at the paper hours later. She was in front of the fire, the common room deserted except for a couple snogging loudly in the corner. The glares she was sending them did nothing, and even though she knew she shouldn't be out in the corridors at night, she packed up her books and climbed out through the portrait.
Her footsteps echoed in the halls and she slipped her shoes off, carrying them in her free hand, her wand out in case she needed to hex anyone that snuck up on her. She wondered what Severus was doing right now, but pushed the thought from her mind. They'd barely been speaking for a day, and he was already slipping into her mind. This couldn't happen, she couldn't allow it to happen…and besides, it wouldn't change anything.
It would all be over in a few days and they would go back to the way they were before. Ignoring each other in the halls and diverting their gaze whenever they happened to be caught looking at each other in class. She missed her friend, oh how she missed him. But he'd said some unforgivable things, and what kind of person would she be if she just rolled over and forgave him? Could she really be able to just forget the way he'd made her feel, dirty and unwanted?
But she missed him, missed laughing with him and studying with him. The way he smiled when she said something silly, the way the wind played with his dark hair when they sat out by the lake, the- Whoa! Wait. She actually stopped walking to replay what her mind was saying. The way the wind played with his hair? She was definitely losing it, there was nothing remotely romantic about Severus that she missed, and she would continue to remind herself that until this project was over.
When she reached the library, she lifted her wand and prepared to mutter the unlocking charm, but the sight of the door slightly open caught her eye and she paused. Someone had already snuck into the library, and as Head Girl, it was her job to figure it out. Of course, it wasn't her time to be making the rounds, and she couldn't severely punish whoever it was without being asked why she was out of bed herself, but it was at least worth it to check and see how it was.
With the same careful, quiet footsteps she'd used in the hall she slid through the tiny opening in the door and crept toward a dim light that shone from between two of the tall shelves near the back of the library. She could hear gentle muttering, but wasn't close enough to tell if it was from a male or female yet. As she moved closer the hairs on the back of her neck stood up, but it wasn't from fear, but excitement. She knew who it was, and she felt a smile creep across her face before she face him.
"Severus, what are you doing out of bed this time of night?"
He was sitting on the floor, cross legged and leaning up against the shelf. She noticed the large, heavy book in his lap and stepped closer to see what it was. She recognized the familiar script she'd read earlier that day and realized he was reading up more on their potion assignment. His hair was hanging in his eyes, but when he looked up at her, he pushed it back with his fingers. She'd always thought he had amazing fingers, long and slender.
They looked as though they would be masterful over the keys of a piano when they were younger, but now with teenage hormones and the growing thoughts of a woman in her mind, she wondered what they would feel like on her skin. She tried to push the images away, but her mind pressed for answers. Would his touch be gentle or rough? What would his lips feel like against her, on her neck? Would kissing him be like kissing James?
She remembered her encounter with the smug Potter last month when he'd rudely grabbed her and kissed her, another attempt to prove that she would one day be his. Sure, she'd felt a connection, but now staring down at Severus, she wasn't sure which connection was the more powerful. Without giving her an answer he sighed and looked back down at the book, either set to ignore her or not sure what to say.
She didn't know quite what to say either so she slipped her wand back into her bag and set it on the ground, unceremoniously dropping down beside him a moment later. She felt his body immediately tense when her arm brushed his, but she tried to ignore it, and pulled back. She didn't want to scare him, but even more she didn't want him to move away. There was something comforting about being this close to him again.
She remembered the way his arms felt around her when they hugged and she desperately wished that he would put his arm around her shoulder. She knew better than to press her luck though, and sat back against the shelf. If he wanted to just sit there and not talk, she would let him. She'd missed him and if being quite was the only way to spend time with him, she would do it his way. She certainly had missed him, and it was evident now more than ever.
After a few minutes of silence, he spoke. "Lily?"
"Yes Severus?" their voices seemed oddly loudly in the deserted library.
"What are you doing here?"
"I asked you that."
He shrugged. "I bet your answer is a lot more interesting than mine."
"I doubt it." She sighed and turned her head to the side to look at him. "I couldn't sleep so I went down to the Common Room to look over the notes I made for our potion. I was alone for a little while, but then a couple came downstairs and started snogging in the corner. They didn't even care that I was there! Anyway I got tired of hearing their moans so I left. I figured the library was the safest place to go, and I could do more research."
"Ah." He nodded, but didn't say anymore and turned the page.
"What's your excuse?"
"Lucius is at it again with another one of his toys."
"Toys?" Lily looked confused.
"He likes playing with the girls, wining, dining them, tricking them into bed and then never talking to them again. You'd think the girls of Hogwarts would warn each other and team up against him, but it just so happens that his skills in bed are so good that they don't mind being ignored. Anyway, he was in the middle of the final stage and I couldn't stand to listen to another girl scream out his name, so I left." He turned another page, seeming to not even be reading anymore.
"Seems like everyone in the castle is getting more action than us." She smiled, and playfully nudged him in the shoulder.
"What about Potter?" he looked at her, not tensing up this time at her touch. "I heard you two were found in a broom closet in quite a position."
She rolled her eyes and sighed deeply. "I've heard worse rumors. You can be sure that nothing happened between me and James. He kissed me, once. That was all."
"So you haven't…" he paused and shook his head. "Never mind, it's none of my business."
"Sev?" she used the nickname she'd made for him. "You can ask me anything."
"Are you sure about that?" he closed the book and slid it to the floor, slowly turning his body so he was facing her.
"I missed you Sev." She whispered and reached out for his hands. His fingers were cool. "I know I said I didn't, but I have. You hurt me so badly, but you're my best friend and a friendship like ours doesn't just die because of some words spoken in the heat of the moment."
"I am sorry Lily, I tried to apologize to you, but none of your friends would let me near you. Gryffindor's sure do stick together."
She nodded, and turned her body to face him as well. Her eyes darted to his lips, and she felt an intense urge to kiss him. She hadn't felt this way in so long, she'd made sure she'd stopped feeling like this. Now, they were alone in the dark library and no one was going to interrupt them. He looked calm and at peace, not looking over his shoulder for the Marauders to sneak up behind him and unleash one of their pranks. With a flick of his head he tossed his hair out of his eyes and smiled.
"What?" she asked, tightening her grip on his hands.
"I was just wondering what you were thinking about…"
"You." She answered honestly. She wasn't sure how much longer this moment of closeness would last, or if it was even real, but she wasn't going to waste it. Perhaps she had fallen asleep in the Common Room and this was just another one of her dreams. It wouldn't be the first time that she explored what could have been with Severus, but it had never gone too far.
She had the feeling that tonight was going to go farther than ever before, and knew that if she woke up after it, that she would kick herself for not going through with it. So she had to be honest, and she had to follow her heart. She just hoped that Severus, whether he was a dream or real, wouldn't laugh at her or reject her. "I was thinking about your hair and what your fingers would feel like on my skin. I was wondering if this was all a dream and what it would change for us if I kissed you."
His eyes widened in shock and she heard him gulp. His fingers tensed around hers for a moment and she feared he was going to be angry. "Do you really mean that?"
"Yes." She nodded and scooted closer to him, sliding her hands to his knees. "Severus, I want to kiss you. I want to see if it's anything like my dreams, see if there something besides our friendship that connects us and if that's the reason why I could never bring myself to really stay angry with you."
"I've been dreaming about kissing you for years." He sounded like he wanted to say more, but he couldn't bring himself to yet. He was still afraid of her, worried that she would get up and leave him.
Severus felt his heart stop, felt the oxygen cut off from his brain and had to remind himself to breath as she leaned closer. Her fingertips walked up his crossed legs as she pressed closer, and he stayed stone still, afraid that he would attack her if he moved. He'd waited for this so long, dreamed about being this close to her and imagined touching her with a gentleness that he was sure would shock her. He loved her, he knew that he wondered if she could see it in his eyes.
Not wanting to give it away this early he closed his lids and the distance between them. Their lips connected and he felt her sigh against him. Her lips moved slowly at first, and he tried to enjoy the passion, but then she was in his lap, her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. He wasn't sure how it happened, but he wasn't complaining. He'd never had her this close, this intimate before and he didn't want anything to end it.
Tentatively he worked his fingers up the back of her shirt, pressing his hand flat against her skin. He ached to touch her everywhere at once, knowing it was impossible. She reached down and slid his hand from her waist to the hem of her shirt and left it there. He stopped his kiss and she took the pause the wrong way. Fear clouded her eyes and she pulled back, sliding back to where she'd been sitting against the shelf. He watched her pull her knees up to her chest and drop her head onto them. She had taken his hesitation the wrong way.
"I'm sorry Sev." She whispered, not looking at him. "I didn't mean to upset you. I guess I just got carried away."
"It's alright Lily." He reached out for her arm and when their skin touched she looked up. "I wasn't upset, I was just shocked…and a little nervous."
"Nervous?" she wiped away the tears that had fallen.
"I've been imagining what being with you would be like for a very long time Lily. I've dreamed about it, wished for it- but I never thought it would really happen. Now I want you more than ever."
"The whole class is going to know that we love each other when we show them the Potion."
He nodded and slid his cloak of his shoulders and laid it on the ground. "We can't worry about that right now."
With a gentleness she hoped he had, and a strength she wondered about he reached for her and settled her onto his cloak. The cold from the stone floor seeped through, but nowhere as bad if it hadn't been there. He moved over her, his lips moving against hers and they pressed their bodies close. She made quick work of the buttons on his shirt, feeling just how warm his whole body was. Why had she thought he would be cool?
His head dipped to kiss her neck, and she felt his fingertips slide her shirt up her stomach and she helped him wriggle her out of it. His shirt remained on, but open and she lifted up to wrap her arms around his neck again. When they were kneeling in front of each other she pressed kisses to his shoulders and chest, working the buttons of his trousers. She felt him lean away and looked up. His wand was in his hands and she looked at him curiously.
He flicked it and the light at the end of it went out. Then he muttered something intelligible and felt a tingling over her legs and breasts. She reached down and realized that she was bare. He'd banished her clothes, and after a moment she realized, his were gone to. They were completely bare before each other, and he'd left them in complete darkness. She wanted to see him, know what she was touching, but before she could protest he dropped his wand and pulled her against him.
Her fingers slid over his chest, up and around, then dragging her nails down his back. He nipped at her bottom lip and lifted her body over his. She found her legs straddling him, and slowly lowered herself onto him. When he met resistance he gripped her hips and worked his way inside her slowly. Soon her breathing evened and she began rolling her hips against his. He groaned and let go, giving his body a mind of its own.
She seemed to do the same, but their lack of control seemed to mess and their mindless hands met and clasped as she brought herself closer to the peak. She rode her orgasm out over him, murmuring and mumbling things she didn't even understand. He didn't want this to be over, didn't want her to pull away and as her walls contracted around him; he felt the magic of the moment leaving him. This couldn't be over yet, he wouldn't let it.
The tables the students worked at were too far away and he wasn't sure how strong the book shelves were. She brought his lobe between her teeth and was toying with the ends of his hair, making it hard to think. She rolled off him, but kept her leg across his waist, her hand on his chest and her lips by his ear. She was whispering things, but he wasn't sure what they were. He wanted to hear them, but he was thinking to hard about how to get back inside her.
"You're still…" she paused, pointing down and a giggle slipped from her lips. "didn't you…"
He shook his head, surprised that he hadn't cum before she did. Perhaps that was the one good thing about having a mind that over thought everything, he was too busy enjoying watching her move over him and thinking about all the things he wanted to do with her that he'd kept himself from cumming. It wasn't that bad if he thought about it, because now he could make love to her. "No, I didn't. But if you're willing I'd like to try again."
She nodded and waited for him to roll on top of her. Instead he stood and pulled her up. She looked at him quizzically, but trusted him enough to close her eyes when he asked. "What are we doing?" she asked, her nails digging into his chest.
Stumbling a little to the side, her back met cold stone wall and she gasped, her nails digging into his shoulders. He was in control now, and even though he'd appreciated the view she'd given him before, he wanted to make her cry out his name. Without thinking he slid his hands under her ass and lifted her, glad when she wrapped her legs around his waist. He steadied her against the wall, his hands moving under her thighs to hold her there.
She'd never imagined that he would be this kind of lover, gentle and slow one minute, than furious and frightening the next. She felt safe in his arms though and the stone was slowly warming up. She bit her lip as his kisses trailed down her neck and to her breasts. One hand slipped down and she felt his thumb against her clit, felt one finger slip inside her. She moved against them, trying desperately to create more friction but knowing that nothing would feel as good as having him inside her.
"Please Severus." She moaned and moved her pelvis, desperately searching.
"Please what?" his voice was deep and a little strained.
"Please." She said again, unable to say more. His hand pulled away and she whimpered, desperate for any contact. His hand went back to her thigh, the wetness of his fingers sticking his skin to hers. He moved his other hand over her mouth, cupping it so she could still breath, but quieting the moan that ripped through her when he slid into her. She collapsed against him and he used all his strength to keep them standing.
She buried her face in his neck, smothering the moans and cries as he moved inside her, bringing her to new heights with sensations she hadn't been able to give herself. She was sure that her nails were breaking his flesh, but he didn't seem to move. His breath was ragged like her and she could tell that he was close at the way he tugged her hair, moving her head back so he could kiss her. His tongue slid between her teeth and she moaned against his kiss.
"Lily, I love you." He said as his knees threatened to buckle.
She kissed back, pressing her forehead to his. "I love you Sev."
Two Years Later
Severus sat at the farthest, darkest corner of the Three Broomsticks and glared into his Fire whiskey. She hadn't even seen him, hadn't sensed him watching her or even turned to look when he swore at the sight of her and Potter. She'd had the baby in her arms and he wondered what she was doing bringing a baby into a place like this. It was the last place he'd expected to see them, but of course the Mauraders had come to celebrate the birth of another male into their group.
Perhaps he would study at Hogwarts and torture his peers as his father did. He certainly looked more like James than Lily, if it was even possible to tell looks in a baby only a few days old. His blood cooled when Lily had appeared at the door, walked over and kissed James. That could have been him, should have been him. He should have married her, proven that he could have made her happier than that prat ever could.
But Lily wasn't supportive of the dark magic that he practiced, and even though the smoke of the potion that day had proclaimed to the entire class that she loved him, that their friendship was more than a childhood past time, it meant nothing now. They hadn't spoken in years and he doubted they ever would. Love Potion #11 was the last one they ever brewed together, but surprisingly it was the only one he'd needed.
Even as he watched Lily and James walk out, he took comfort in the fact that she had loved him at one time, that their love had been true and maybe if they'd chosen differently, he could have been the one holding her child in his arms. Life was perfect though, and it was time to accept it. Quickly, he knocked back the fire liquid and tossed a few bills on the table. The Dark Lord was waiting for him and it was time to prepare for whatever the prophecy foretold.
a/n: again, another sad ending, but at least he knows that Lily did love him, and honestly I believe she did. I just don't think she could handle the darkness in him. I also believe that the reason he became a double agent for Albus is because after a time he came to realize it. He didn't want to be bad or evil; he just couldn't cope with losing the woman he loved. I think he made up for it though.