AN: A friend and I were talking about watching "Hope," we saw Derek pull up in this rather small Ford. It kind of surprised me—I'd always written him in an SUV or some other large vehicle, and so had she...Well, lo and behold, a little story is born...Thanks to Ren Kayashima for helping me figure out a title!...PS. See below for a comment on the Profiler's Choice Awards—and please vote!
The Car Conundrum by Kricket Williams
Most of the BAU was already in the round table room when Derek Morgan arrived. Judging by the scowl on his face and the way he stomped through the doorway, he was in a hideous mood.
"You're late," Reid called out, stating the obvious. He was leaning back, his long leg crossed at the knee.
Derek growled. "Score two points for the genius," he snapped sarcastically, and then plopped into the chair next to Garcia.
"Oh, my poor sweet cocoa puff," she said, reaching for his knee with a sympathetic look and squeezing it gently. "Tell momma all about it."
"My car died right in the middle of Barnett and 619," he explained. He was no longer growling completely; Penelope had a way of soothing him like no one else.
"During rush hour?" Rossi remarked from the other end of the table where he was standing, and then gave a low whistle as he pulled out his chair. "No wonder you're a bitch."
Derek shot Rossi a scowl, which only made Rossi grin. Dave liked to be antagonistic; it was in his nature.
"How'd you get here?" JJ asked, a concerned frown on her face.
"I walked."
"Seven miles?" Prentiss asked incredulously, her eyes widening, and then shook her head in exasperation. "You could've called one of us to get you, Morgan."
"I needed to cool off."
Considering he was still rather huffy, the walk was nowhere near long enough!
Hotch arched a brow at Derek. "Where's the car?"
Derek ran a hand over his face, and then sighed. "Where I pushed it—on the side of Barnett Road with a lake of radiator fluid under it."
"I'm glad it's that instead of oil," Reid said with a relieved smile. "Most radiator fluids are made from ethylene glycol, a material that will biodegrade in the environment in about a month's time, whereas—"
"Kid," Derek growled, boring a hole through Reid with his gaze, "I don't give a damn about the environment right now."
Reid shrugged with an apologetic look. "I'm looking at the bright side."
"Can you have it fixed?" JJ questioned, and then added helpfully, "Will knows a few shop owners that may be able to give you a deal."
Derek shook his head. "No, my Focus is almost ten years old," he explained. "She had over a hundred thousand miles on her. It's time for a new car."
"That's too bad," Rossi said, clasping his hand on Derek's shoulder sympathetically. "It's tough to say goodbye."
Derek nodded. "I'll say. We've been through a lot, and—"
"Good Lord," Prentiss interrupted, chuckling. "It's a freaking car. An inanimate object. Nothing to cry over."
Both Morgan and Rossi stared at her like she had two heads. She looked over at Hotch and Reid, who were also looking at her. She paused, looking at Reid encouragingly for support.
He tossed his hands up. "Don't look at me. I agree with them."
"It's a car," Prentiss said, folding her arms over her chest and slumping in her chair.
Penelope patted Derek's knee and cooed to him, "Tell you what, sweet cheeks. We'll go shopping this weekend together and find you a new car."
"Thanks, baby," he replied, lifting her hand and kissing it.
Penelope blushed happily, and then added, "Ooh! Maybe you can get something bigger."
He shrugged. "Nah. Something like my car now. I only drive it in the winter or in inclement weather; otherwise, I use my bike."
"Really?" JJ questioned, looking a little amused.
"Yeah," he answered, staring over at her and frowning in confusion. "What's funny about that? You see me ride in on my bike all the time."
"No, not that," she clarified. "Getting the same car. I thought you'd want to...get something cooler."
When Derek looked surprised, Emily added, "Come on, Derek. You have to admit. Cool bike, cool clothes...that car doesn't quite fit your image."
"Hey, what's wrong with my Focus?" he asked, looking rather insulted. He turned and looked at Penelope. "Baby...what do you think?"
"Well, angelfish," she said, dawdling, biting her lip like she was hesitant to answer. "I was kind of surprised that first time you picked me up."
"Really," he said flatly.
"Yes," she continued, now that she had her courage built up. "I mean...I thought you'd be in this sleek sports car or this big truck. Some manly thing."
Derek's eyebrows shot up in shock, and then he began to grin. "Baby...ain't nothing manly about those."
All three women frowned in confusion.
"Why not?" Garcia asked, asking the question they all seemed to want to know.
Derek was still grinning like the cat with the cream. "They're...how do I put this? Ah...extenders."
Prentiss was the first woman to respond. She narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you talking about compensating for something lacking in the penis department?"
Derek continued to grin.
She sat back again with a snort. "That is the stupidest thing I ever heard."
"Umm, actually, a recent study by the national research panel discovered that men who drove large and-or fast cars had smaller genitalia than men who drove medium-sized or small cars," Reid interjected, trying to hide a smirk.
"You don't believe that crap, do you?" Prentiss asked incredulously.
"I can't say," Reid began, not bothering to hide his grin now. "However, I do drive a rather tiny Volvo..."
JJ began to crack up. "Oh, snap!"
Rossi was chuckling at his end of the table, too. "Ha! Chief Fickler and that huge caddy he drives! Ha!"
Prentiss looked at JJ and Penelope. "You guys don't believe that?"
JJ shrugged, but flushed in a pleased manner. "Will drives a Honda..."
"Penelope?"
Penelope stared at Prentiss, looking highly uncomfortable. "I...I..."
"Go ahead, sweetness," Derek said in a stage whisper, leaning over to her. "Dispute that one for the girl..."
When he added a wink, she blushed beet red.
"Okay, children," Hotch said, hiding his own smile. "I hate to end the fun, but we need to get to work."
Rossi cleared his throat, and said in a serious tone of voice, "Spoken with authority...like a man who drives a medium sized Audi..."
~*~ Profiler's Choice 2011 Fanfic Awards for the Criminal Minds Community ~*~
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