Seven Years
Just a short piece that came to me after watching the finale for the second time.
Rating: K
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own ER or any of the characters.
As I sit here at the Admit desk, like I have done a thousand times before, I find it hard to believe that it has been seven years since he left. Seven years since he last walked these halls. Seven years since we last had a conversation. Seven years since he walked out those doors never to return again. Seven years since Carter stood in this very spot and read the letter that broke my heart. Seven years since I lost him for the second time. Seven years since I lost him forever.
This is the first time in four years that I have been here and although many of the faces have changed it still, in a strange way, feels like home. Sitting here I can practically hear the echoes of the past, my past, our past. It all seems so long ago now, like a different lifetime. I smile as I remember the pranks we played on each other, like the time Mark and I plastered Carter's leg while he was asleep or when Doug got caught doing a pretty accurate impersonation of Weaver. We totally got chewed out for that one. It was not all fun though, this place holds a lot of pain too, Carol's attempted suicide, Mark's malpractice suit. I could go on forever but the most important thing about that time in our lives was that we were a team, we always had each others back.
I think back to the day I left the first time to move to Phoenix. That was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, to choose between the man I loved with all my heart and the niece who I had brought up as my own daughter was heart breaking. If I had a dollar for every time I questioned that decision over the years I certainly would not have to work for a living To this day I still wonder sometimes what would have happened if I had stayed. Of course it would not have changed what happened to Mark and if I had been in Elizabeth's position I really don't think I could have handled losing him. I found it hard enough being his best friend but being his wife would have been 100 times worse. Although the flip side of that is maybe we would have had kids and 5 more years of happy memories together but I can't change that now and after all I was the one who got on the train. Until the day I die I will never forget the look on his face as the train pulled away. Part of me wanted to stay, to be with him, another part of me wanted to yell at him for not telling me sooner how he felt but the biggest part of me wanted to go to Phoenix to help my crazy sister raise my niece.
When I came back 5 years later he was still here, still holding the ER together, and I thought he would always be here. How wrong was I? Things were different when I came back, Carol and Doug were long gone, living happily in Seattle raising their twins. I am happy things worked out so well for them, eventually. Peter left soon after I returned to spend more time with his son and then it was just Carter, Mark and I. It was weird to see Carter as a grown up 'proper' doctor, the fact that we dated for a short time is even weirder, especially since he was totally in love with Abby at the time, but hey, that's another story. It felt like I had only just got back when suddenly everything fell apart. When Mark found out his tumour was back and that it was terminal I am sure I went into total denial. I couldn't believe that I was going to lose him again just when I had got him back. My heart broke all over again. I swear to God my heart has broke over Mark Greene more times than I care to remember. We didn't even say goodbye properly, I don't think either of us could have handled it, the first goodbye was bad enough. Sure there was a million things we wanted to say to each other but in the end we didn't have to because we both knew how the other felt. We both knew that no matter what had happened we would always love each other. We had the kind of love that transcends space and time and life and death. I didn't realise it at the time but when I left him that day at Union Station I took a piece of his heart with me, just as I left him a piece of mine, and I will treasure that for eternity.
So here I am in my early 40's, a single mother of one sitting reminiscing about the past and questioning the choices I made. Am I happy with my life? Sure I am, I have a beautiful son and a job I love. Am I lonely? Abso- friggin-lutely but maybe one day I will find 'Mr Right' and be happy but I know I will never find my soul mate because my soul mate died seven years ago and if I sit here perfectly still with my eyes closed and concentrate really hard I am sure I can here the echo of his voice. A voice that I have not heard for seven years.
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