AN: My first attempt at Orphan Black fandom. It's such a great show I couldn't resist.
It's also on my tumblr at infinitemoments15 (just add the dot tumblr dot com at the end)
I don't own Orphan Black
She doesn't know how to do this. How to be a mother. How could she? She herself was reckless and angry and full of trouble growing up.
But she is now, a mother. There's this tiny, beautiful human being in her arms and she's completely overwhelmed because she has no effing idea how to be a mother. A good mother that her daughter deserves.
It scares her more than anything in the world because as soon as Kira was born, she became Sarah's world.
She only hopes that Kira will grow up to see her as the same. Hope she wouldn't resent her if she made mistakes along the way because she knows she will even though she will try her damnest not to.
It's hard as Kira slowly, yet too quickly, grows up. She's probably too hard on herself but she can't help but compare herself to other mothers. Mothers who seem as if they were made for motherhood. Mothers who seem to always know what to do and what to say.
And she doesn't.
She fumbles around like someone grabbling around in the dark. It takes her hours to get Kira to fall asleep sometimes but it only takes Felix minutes too. One time Kira rolls over the table as she is changing her. She catches her by the foot at the last moment but she feels like her heart just stopped beating.
She feels like a failure.
She wants to be like those mothers. She's spent countless nights tossing in bed thinking about why she was different and why something that everyone says comes naturally, doesn't for her.
She always seems to make the wrong decisions, go for the wrong things. She doesn't know if there's something inside her that pulls her to those sort of thing or she's punishing herself or something but she does. And she starts to realize it's affecting Kira.
She starts to notice the bruises that come from her boyfriends, the sadness in her eyes no matter how hard she tries to hide it. Because she's way too smart and perceptive for her age and it makes her so proud and terrified at the same time. She wants to protect her from all the evil and darkness in the world but some part of her realizes that she's part of that same world.
So she does what she does best: she runs.
She goes with Vic, hoping to get some quick cash and even though she doesn't quite know it yet, she's trying to figure out who she is. And there are nights after Vic falls asleep that she just breaks down and cries because she misses her baby so fucking much. She has pictures and a letter Kira sent her and she's memorized the words and the pictures are creased from wear, but they still bring a smile to her face every time.
She still has no idea what to do.
It takes her ten months for her to come back. She realizes she needs to get rid of her past and make right with her daughter so she ditches Vic and hops on a train.
She thought it would be a good plan to steal the look-a-like's bag but boy was she wrong. It only dragged her further into things she didn't want to get into. Things like clones, and creators, and killers.
She just wanted Kira, she wanted her family. She didn't know that those clones would become her family too.
The wait to see Kira feels like a lifetime. She's so anxious yet scared she feels nauseous. She has so much shit going on in her life right now but all she can think about is what if she doesn't forgive her for leaving her? What if she hates her?
But she doesn't.
Kira smiles and hugs her tight and she can't stop the smile on her face as she clutches Kira as tight as she could. It feels like she can breathe again.
And in her mind she promises she'll try her best to be still. To tame the restless, rebellious part of her for Kira. She wants to give her everything she can.
One day, Kira hands her a drawing she drew and it instantly brings her to tears. It's really a simple picture, one of her and Kira with fluffy clouds and green sticks for grass but in big letters there is 'To: Mummy, the best mum in the world!' And it overwhelms her because she doesn't feel like it. But Kira thinks she is and she realizes that's all that matters.
Maybe she does have what it takes to be a good mother.