AN: My first Fruits Basket fanfic!
Again, still in the process of being written but I had to go back and do some editing because of a review I got, saying it wasn't emotionally stimulating enough. I really appreciate the honest feedback, so thank you 'Tuliharja'! Reviewers like that keep writers motivated and make them want to improve!
Nothing has changed with the pairing, the one I picked from the beginning is going to go ahead. Not gonna tell you but you'll probably guess eventually ;D The first chapter won't be published for another little while because I want to be ahead of the story, that way there (hopefully) won't be long delays between chapters!
Disclaimer/Warnings: I - sadly - don't own Furuba. If I did Tohru would be long dead. I'm sorry she's just so annoying! No warnings yet except this will be yaoi. So if you don't like boyXboy just click the back button. No one likes flamers.
I hope I got it this time round! Let me know please! PS: ANs won't be this long in the actual chapters X'D
~Hypnosis~
Summary: Misery becomes a way of life for Kyou. He had always thought he had loved Torhu, but his confession falls short of convincing her she felt the same. Kyou still knew he felt something strong in his heart. The trouble was, he don't know who it was that held his love… who it was he was being pulled blindly toward… But he felt himself being pushed from reality at the same time. And to add fuel to the fire that was his burning life, he was quickly running out of freedom... his empty future was coming upon him.
Kyou/?
Prologue
All you can do is stare at me…
That's it... you just... stand there. Rigid with… doubt? Frozen in mid-step, to walk tentatively towards me, for no reason in particular.
Is that the kind of effect I have on you? Disbelief and shock being the only feelings I can elicit in you…? Are they the only emotions I can cause you to feel?
Is this is all I'm good for…?
You still haven't said anything. You don't react. You don't flinch. You don't gasp. Your eyes don't widen in shock at my confession. You don't try to comfort me, as would be your usual reaction any other time.
Those eyes… that stare…
Not this time, though. You don't try to apologise… Don't attempt to clue me in on what is going on in your head. Don't even pity me enough to turn your penetrating gaze from my topaz eyes… The intense stare you keep on me… it makes it so much worse.
That look… Please…
The realisation that you don't feel the same… this pain of rejection… it all feels worse when you look at me like that...
Don't look at me!
It's almost accusing, the look in your eyes. Like I have… done something wrong…? But I don't understand. Why do you look at me like that? What did I do wrong?! Tell me… I want to… make it better. I want to make this go away… No one else will… No one else ever does… This numbness… it hurts too bad... Make it stop…
But you don't even try. Is it because you don't care? No. I know you used to, so you still do… right? Then is it, that you don't actually know? You don't realise how much you hurt me? Do you not recognize how your reaction, or lack thereof, has cut me so deep…?
How can you not know? It's so painful… I don't know what hurts, but… my whole body… it aches.
Does it ache for you?
Make it go away…
For comfort?
Please, make it stop…?
Acceptance?
Just… Please! Make this… end…?
Love…?
Please... take... the pain away...
I know it must show on my face. I can feel my body heat up… Can feel it tense but weaken at the same time. It's as if the only thing that was keeping me alive… is gone.
Dead…
Yet, you still continue to look at me... like that. Now, you look… confused? And for some unfathomable reason… I suddenly feel… guilty.
Why do you do this to me…? How can you do this to me?!
Despite the throbbing ache I feel throughout my entire being, of loosing my only reason for living… Despite the hurt of rejection and the fear of the solitude I now surely face… Even through the isolation that creeps back up on me like some hideous black shadow… you being my only source of light to burn that monster away… Even though it all seems too much, too difficult to handle without you being my anchor to sanity… I feel like I've shed some overbearing cross that had been weighing me down. Weighing me down... since the day I met you.
Since the day I fell in love with you…
I hadn't realised before now... But now that that overwhelming presence is gone... No weight presses on my chest anymore, nor squeezes my heart, nor sucks my lungs dry… the desperateness to keep going without you knowing the truth… it's disappeared.
I feel so much lighter…
You've come a little closer since I coward back to the safety the depths of my mind offer… and I return from that sorrow-filled, dark, hollow place to see you watching me closely. Do you wonder what's going on in my head…?
You look... worried... Don't be.
A soft breeze lifts your hair in a gentle caress. It almost floats around your face, delicate features marred by confusion and worry… Still…
You look beautiful, you know that…?
I wanted to be the one to caress that soft, luscious hair. I wanted to smell your intoxicating scent that I only get wisps of in the air around us. I wanted to… kiss you… Be with you… To be your "one and only". Sounds stupid now but it's true, I wanted to be that guy…
Why don't I feel that want anymore…?
Maybe that's all it was. A simple want. A passing desire. A meaningless impulse to pretend to need. Now, I don't think I ever really needed you…
You almost… mean a little bit less to me…
And that makes all the difference. This aching, throbbing pain eases just slightly. Just enough so that I can see the truth…
You were never the one…
Almost as if a lie I had been telling myself since I met you, had finally been confirmed to be just that. A lie. I'm even happy that it was. That it was fake. Untrue. False. Just. A. Lie. Happy that now… I see the truth as it is.
This makes no sense though…
Why is it that I still feel… something…? There is something here, inside me. I feel it start to grow as this hurt subsides just a little more. It grows as I feel it… acknowledge it's existence like I wished someone would do for me… I listen to it as it swells in my chest… It holds the very core of my emotions, even if they seem to come from nowhere… and for the first time, I really feel what they are… I feel... want and need and… love…?
So there still is something in me that can feel... Something that you didn't manage to crush and break and shatter to pieces…
And I realise what this has been trying to tell me from the very beginning…
Through the haze of my inner turmoil that's clouding my mind, I see you… You're starting to walk again, clutching your bag straps tighter in your fragile hands. Are you trying to act like nothing has happened?
To act like nothing has changed… why? Why would you do that…? Well, two can play that game...
The knuckles of your small hands whiten in your pointless effort. Yet even as you walk away, your eyes never leave mine. A bad idea on your part. You're too clumsy to walk without watching where you're going. But I can't move to stop you now. Or rather… I choose not to move… You continue on home the way we had been walking… Before I paused… and you turned to see what was wrong... It just flew out of me… I don't think I had actually meant… to... tell you...
It still hurts too much, though…
But you don't feel the same… And it's not a question I ask myself. I understand perfectly. You don't have to explain it to me. I'm not a child and I'm not stupid.
Trying to bottle it up hurts even worse… still, I can't let anyone see this…
For some reason, I'm almost glad you don't return my feelings. I feel relief wash over me. But why…?
I had thought that you were... the one I had fallen for... I had convinced myself of it…
In truth, I know that I'm hurt. This confusion hurts even more though. Still, it doesn't feel entirely… unpleasant. This pain feels almost… good. It's freeing, in a way… Uplifting…
It makes me feel… I don't know… Like I can feel, I guess. In a way, it makes me feel… like I… really exist... like I actually matter.
If not to anyone else, at least I care about myself now…
I turn from your still quivering gaze. You don't have to look at me anymore… I can't make you, I know it must be torture for you… Please, don't worry for me any longer. I'm not going to make you…
But I can't look at you anymore either…
I turn and walk in the opposite direction you're going. Moving causes the numbing pain to erupt into a burning fire in my veins once more… it tries to pull me back to you… but I can't do that… Because I know it would hurt even more… So I don't turn around. I don't look back.
I can' t let myself feel regret… And please, don't make me feel any more guilt than I already do…
I know what you must be thinking now… Do you wonder if you hurt me? Do you actually worry for me? Or was it my imagination and I didn't really see that in your eyes…? Do you even care still…?
I don't know what to think anymore…
So I do what's easiest… I walk away from you...
And to think, you had been our last hope... My last hope...
There, I'm pretty happy with that. I'd say it's at least better than what I had before, ne?
Reviews and FEEDBACK (not just one-liners,if you please ;D) are hugely appreciated! Feel free to leave requests and suggestions as well 8D