Disclaimer: I do not own inuyasha. I am just borrowing the characters. don't worry. I will return them.
Crush
"He has a what on you?" Shippo asked, peering up at Kagome from her lap.
I suppressed a small smile of gratitude at the question. Sometimes it was convenient to have such a small child traveling with you. They always feel no shame in asking questions that might for any adult be misinterpreted. For instance if I had asked Kagome what she meant when she said the young man from her time had a crush on her, Sango would have no doubt interpreted it as an inappropriate interest in Kagome's love life. Instead, Shippo's question would be viewed in a much more innocent light.
Meanwhile, Kagome giggled at the kitsue wide eyed expression. "He has a crush on me, Shippo. Its just an expression from my time. It means he likes me."
Shippo looked thoughtful. "Oh you mean like the way Sango likes Miroku."
"No Shippo," I chimed in, glancing mischievously behind me where the young women in question was sitting. Sango turned bright red at the comment, almost dropping the cracked bowl she was attempting to repair. Smirking, I continued. " The feeling that lie between fair Sango and I are the passionate embers of love which far excel. . ." I ducked just in time to avoid the bowl which just flew over the crown of my head. Sango glared daggers.
Unfazed by the act of violence, Shippo shrugged. "Love? Like? What's the difference?"
This question caught Kagome by surprise. "Well, I suppose. . . when you like someone. . . Its hard to explain. I guess the best way to put it is when someone likes someone, that is when you have a crush on them, well, its one sided." Unconsciously, the young woman's eyes shifted to the distant figure in a nearby tree, just hidden by the leaves. "People call it a crush because they know the person who has it will eventually be hurt, crushed. The person knows that their feeling would never be able to be returned, but you can't help it. You can't control who you fall in love with."
After Kagome's explanation, Shippo seemed to lose interest in the conversation. Without his questions to push the conversation along, the whole subject was dropped. I was honestly a little disappointed. I had carried my own crush for so long without having a name for it. I had hoped for some insight on the condition. This crush was not on who one would assume. Though fair Sango was a vision to be sure, she was not the only one who could make my pulse race. She was certainly not the one who had captured my heart. No, I had a problem much better then the carnal thoughts I held for the pretty little demon slayer. You see, I had feelings for another individual, my best friend. I was in love with Inuyasha.
Of course, it didn't happen all at once. That sort of love only arises in fairy tails. No, this started gradually. I don't even recall the first moment. I know it started with his eyes though. Some sort of sincerity which shined from those hazel orbs enchanted me. I remember thinking how strange it seemed to see such an honest emotion emanating from what I always had thought to be a despicable species.
It wasn't my fault. My history had nothing but grief connected to demons. They cursed my grandfather, killed my father, and had shouldered me with an awful burden of that blasted wind tunnel in my hand. Who could blame me when I jumped to conclusion about Inuyasha. After all, from the start he was a foul tempered individual, naturally suspicious and unbelievably rude. How was I to know that that young man was so similar to myself, wronged by Naraku, cast out by his demon brothers and shunned by humans. He was as alone in the world as I was.
But after a few weeks of seeing him in battle with demon after demon, I began to see the beauty lying just beneath his gruff exterior. I saw him welcome Sango, a girl who had just tried her very hardest to kill him, into the group before even knowing her past. I saw him interacting with Shippo, trying and often failing to do his best to raise the child as his own. Sure he wasn't the most perfect individual. He had three thousand flaws, but he tried his best with what little he had and he never truly complained about his lot in life. Slowly, I learned to respect our little rag-tag leader for his courage, his loyalty, and even his unique affection. That respect transformed into friendship. Then came the day that he knocked me down, forcing me to close the wind tunnel. I was ready to die that day. Ready to give my life on the off chance that the demon Naraku would be sucked inside and finally defeated. But he saved me. For the first time in my life, someone was willing to lay down everything, their hate, their desire for revenge, even their very life for me. A perverted, misguided, often borderline suicidal priest. The very next evening, I was sitting across the fire when I looked up and saw Inuyasha sitting in the tree. He was alert, protecting us all as always, and suddenly, I knew that I loved him, that I had loved him for some time now and never truly realized it . The only problem was that it was a love that was destined to be doomed form the start. After all, my fair-haired prince was in love with someone else. True love. A love that spanned across time and was blessed by fate. How was I suppose to compete with that.
And so I pushed my feelings aside and settled for just being the friend. It does hurt. All those nights listening to him talk about his affections for Kagome and Kiko, hearing him agonize over how much he want this all to be over so he can settle down and finally have the life that he wanted before Naraku came into his life. Such a beautiful and kind individual. He deserved that much didn't he.
Pulling myself out of my revery, I looked across the camp to find Inuyasha and Kagome cuddled together by the tree. She was laying on his shoulder, snuggled into his fire rat robe and I can tell by the look on Inuyasha's face that he wanted to put his arm around her but don't know if that would be ok. He looked at me imploringly. I motion him forward. He cautiously wrap and arm around her and Kagome gives you a sunny smile. The triumphant smile that spreads across his face stabbed like a spear into my heart. I give him a sad smile in return as I rose to give them privacy, trying to keep the pain from showing on my face. The hurt is sharp, almost overwhelming. Its crushing. Yes, I think that is a good word for it after all.