Mental plagiarism
I've been told there's something to be said for a person who speaks their mind. I forgot who said it, but they spoke from the heart; therefore, I trust it. I know it's stupid to do, change your personal motto into some meaningless phrase from a person with such little stock that you can't recall who they even are. Or even were, it's not like I know if he's still alive or not. Still, it's a large step up for someone like me, someone without a motto. It gives me something to hope in; regardless of if it's a blind hope. But, you know, most things are blind. Take for example our fight in the war. I never felt so utterly impaired. How were we to know we'd be victorious? Damn, half of us just wanted to die fighting and then not have to see the after math of a failed battle. It was just another blind hope. But it was as important as any other belief; important enough to stake our lives on, as worthless as some of our lives may have been. I'm not a liar, I've made that clear. I know what I was worth in the scheme of things, during my younger days. I was nothing. And I also know how important I was to winning the war. I was vital. Hey, I also never claimed to be modest.
Now there's something I know for sure. Don't cheat yourself out of due recognition. I came up with that one myself. But I always thought it was a bit taboo to make your motto out of a quote you said.
Well, after gaining my new mission statement, I began to wonder if any of us really spoke for ourselves, if what we did was our own doing or just coincident, suggestions, and ideas from others; mental plagiarism. The truly sad thing is, I can't even tell for myself. Did I really believe in all that shit I used to say during the war? Did I really think I was death and that I was fighting for my colony? I hated L2. God, I despised it. It was a horrible pit of sex, drugs, and poverty. I'd like to say L2 was that way because of some OZ elite officer who took our money and ruined our economy. But that's not how it was. The lower rungs of society naturally gravitated towards L2. Why? The weather was just right for the homeless, the people were trusting and easy to steal from, the soil was good for food and producing drugs; all this and more! Whatever the larger reason was, the scum of the world just snuck onto ships and found a bridge or ally to squat under in my cozy little home of a colony. And the well-to-do people (yes, there were many at first) left as soon as the first beggar appeared on the streets. Or was it the first hooker? I'm slipping in my old age.
Some of the good people were still there, mostly just church types who took it upon themselves to "save" everyone. Or the middle class families that didn't have enough money to pay for family trips to new homes and were too good to sneak on or steal a ticket. But some of those "good people" weren't as good as we all thought and simply dumped their children, new born and all, into the nearest cardboard boxes and got the next ticket out. Thus, the gangs of "war orphans" came about. We didn't have parents who died by bombs or warfare, God no! They were just scum that couldn't stand being compared to L2 scum. What sense they thought they were making I haven't found yet.
Yeah, L2 was a piss hole, alright. And I can't understand why I would boast about my love for it. I suppose I was caught up in youthful heroics, wanting to be the martyr for the broken and pure people that have no way to fight for themselves. How did people ever believe me when I spouted that bullshit? But I still say I wasn't lying, just full of teen angst, a need to be victimized. I was a flashy, showoff hero. I filled the role that everyone wanted filled. We all did. The silent but strong Trowa, ready to save the day; the compassionate Quatre, overcome with his love for humanity; the strong willed and keeper of justice Wufei; the super human Heero, who lead all of us to victory. And of course the animated, fun loving Duo, who kept all of their spirits high. And in between missions we connected with one another, sometimes romantically, building a team so close, Trieze himself couldn't tear us apart.
It's so amazingly stereotypical, almost too much to be real, but that's what we were. I think most of us even tried to play our parts as best we could, to make the soap opera for society. Well, except for the connecting part. We were friends, sort of companions to one another. But, we were never close during the war. Not that close, training wouldn't allow it. We did talk and we did trust each other, but more because we all knew that if this ever did end, we five would be the only ones who could understand one another, and we all knew that if the war ended, how much we would need to rely on one another. Even if some of us just realized it subconsciously.
Oh, and there was sex. Lot's of it. I've slept with every one of them. Quatre at his safe house when Heero self detonated; Trowa once on a shuttle trip; Wufei before a joint infiltration mission and in the OZ prison; Heero in that same prison, and during our stay at the school, a few times. I've even had sex with Hilde. It was sex, and we were teenagers, there was really no romance involved. We just removed each other from the extra stress of sexual frustration. I suppose I should be scared of an STD but I would be too amused by the ironic twist on my fate than be sad. Heh, a war hero dies of a STD. What a wonderful headline. Yet, I heard a rumor from Sally Po at the last reunion Relena held that Trowa and Quatre had run off and gotten married. They always were close to one another. And to be honest, I always liked Heero, and it pisses me off because that's who the Gundam fan girls fantasized about me being with when we saved the day. They write stories about us, draw us together; we're a pop couple. And that makes me mad because I'm older now and I don't want to be the stereotype anymore. But I do like him, and I hate walking down the street with teenage girls following me asking for an autograph and questioning if Heero is good in bed. (The sad thing is, I can't lie about that, so I feed their obsession and calmly smile and say, 'He's wonderful,' because, hey, it's true.)
I've gotten off topic. People said I did that all the time in the war, I guess I can't shake the habit. But, I look back at my past, I look back at the war, and I wonder if any of us really knew what we were fighting for and if we had justification in our war. After the battles and the parties, we all got together to discuss what we were going to do and what we have done. We all told why we fought and what our past was, just because we felt we owed it to one another, to give each other reassurance that we weren't alone.
Wufei talked about his colony, his clan, and his cause and I could only wonder if he knew all the political reasoning behind his clan leader, and if he really understood the situation. He was only 15, even if he was a scholar. Then again, I could just be ignorant. But, I can understand fighting for his wife. No one could doubt that. I really don't think Quatre knew what he wanted in entering the war. He wanted attention; he was influenced by the scientists. His love and compassion for the hurt was clear though, that may have been reason enough. Trowa and Heero both told us stories of loss and death; Trowa, I never questioned, but Heero was already in the war before the found what he was fighting for, he was in the middle of training. Heero began with no reason, but gained one and I can't decide if that's what made him stronger or if it just corrupted his mind in ways we'll never know. Suppose that's for him to know. The point remains that most of us were more influenced into our "cause." My love for the colony? It wasn't born in me; it was placed into me by G. And I'm positive it was that way for Quatre, Wufei, Heero and maybe even Trowa. We stole their ideas and made them ours, and even if they wanted that and we could relate and understand their points, it was still plagiarism, our own mental plagiarism.
When I made my revelation (I've been pondering this for months now) I had no idea what to believe in anymore. In came my blind hope. In came my Heero. (I say things like that for the fan girls.) It began a few weeks ago...
(Psss. This is where you add the flashback waves. And people say twenty- five year olds loose youthful humor...)
I had called Heero one day, I missed him, yes, but I just needed someone to be with because Hilde had officially left me. We had never gone out; she was my roommate and was just tired of dealing with me. Tired of dealing with my constant questioning and constant regret, I was always asking myself I was real, if I was true or if I just fooled Earth and the colonies. So she left me, and I had never felt so alone. Maybe calling Heero wasn't a good plan; I was throwing myself at a boy that had never shown any real feeling for me beyond friendship. Was this ok? Was any of what I was going to do smart? No, and I knew that. My idea was the dumbest thing ever thought of by yours truly. And it is very sad that I'm proud of that.
He came right after I called, he had nothing else to do; we both knew that. I met him at the port and drove him to my meager apartment. It was silent. I guess that fact I called him in tears might have made him the wee bit pensive. Hilde was my cover, the veil over my eyes hiding the truth. She hid my pain, she hid my affection for Heero, and she hid my doubt. And now she was gone, and my eyes we open to all these things I had been questioning and once I cleared through all the muck, I could find my answers.
We entered my room, sat down on my bed and I'm very ashamed to say, I broke down in his lap and cried. He held me and he calmed me as best as he could, but he was still dealing with his own demons, so I had to remember not to be hurt when he would awkwardly pat my back. And I could imagine the look of shock and confusion on his face as I snorted into his coat. I've never really been too dignified. Only after I had stopped sniffling and wiped whatever was running down my chin did he dare to ask.
"Duo, will you tell me if I ask you?"
"Why don't you just ask?" I really was curious.
"Because I know you and you will only tell me what the hell is going on when you're good and ready." He sounded much softer then I'm making him seem.
"Yeah, Heero, ask away. I've faced worse." At this moment I had a distinct feeling of a man standing before a firing range.
"Why are you crying? Why are you depressed? Why is Hilde gone? Why did you call me?" He's always wanted to know everything possible about any and all situations.
"...Heero, Why am I here, why am I a hero? Why are you a hero? What was our fucking justification? Did we even have reasons? And if we did, were they our own? What made us think we could change the world, that we were so wronged that we would make a fucking difference? Can you even answer?" It came out too fast, and he could tell I had been dwelling about it for a few months now.
He took a few moments to think about it, roll it in his head and just wonder.
END
OHHH cliffhanger... Continue or no? Review to tell me. If you don't, I'd just cr--- well, no. But come on, be a buddy.
I've been told there's something to be said for a person who speaks their mind. I forgot who said it, but they spoke from the heart; therefore, I trust it. I know it's stupid to do, change your personal motto into some meaningless phrase from a person with such little stock that you can't recall who they even are. Or even were, it's not like I know if he's still alive or not. Still, it's a large step up for someone like me, someone without a motto. It gives me something to hope in; regardless of if it's a blind hope. But, you know, most things are blind. Take for example our fight in the war. I never felt so utterly impaired. How were we to know we'd be victorious? Damn, half of us just wanted to die fighting and then not have to see the after math of a failed battle. It was just another blind hope. But it was as important as any other belief; important enough to stake our lives on, as worthless as some of our lives may have been. I'm not a liar, I've made that clear. I know what I was worth in the scheme of things, during my younger days. I was nothing. And I also know how important I was to winning the war. I was vital. Hey, I also never claimed to be modest.
Now there's something I know for sure. Don't cheat yourself out of due recognition. I came up with that one myself. But I always thought it was a bit taboo to make your motto out of a quote you said.
Well, after gaining my new mission statement, I began to wonder if any of us really spoke for ourselves, if what we did was our own doing or just coincident, suggestions, and ideas from others; mental plagiarism. The truly sad thing is, I can't even tell for myself. Did I really believe in all that shit I used to say during the war? Did I really think I was death and that I was fighting for my colony? I hated L2. God, I despised it. It was a horrible pit of sex, drugs, and poverty. I'd like to say L2 was that way because of some OZ elite officer who took our money and ruined our economy. But that's not how it was. The lower rungs of society naturally gravitated towards L2. Why? The weather was just right for the homeless, the people were trusting and easy to steal from, the soil was good for food and producing drugs; all this and more! Whatever the larger reason was, the scum of the world just snuck onto ships and found a bridge or ally to squat under in my cozy little home of a colony. And the well-to-do people (yes, there were many at first) left as soon as the first beggar appeared on the streets. Or was it the first hooker? I'm slipping in my old age.
Some of the good people were still there, mostly just church types who took it upon themselves to "save" everyone. Or the middle class families that didn't have enough money to pay for family trips to new homes and were too good to sneak on or steal a ticket. But some of those "good people" weren't as good as we all thought and simply dumped their children, new born and all, into the nearest cardboard boxes and got the next ticket out. Thus, the gangs of "war orphans" came about. We didn't have parents who died by bombs or warfare, God no! They were just scum that couldn't stand being compared to L2 scum. What sense they thought they were making I haven't found yet.
Yeah, L2 was a piss hole, alright. And I can't understand why I would boast about my love for it. I suppose I was caught up in youthful heroics, wanting to be the martyr for the broken and pure people that have no way to fight for themselves. How did people ever believe me when I spouted that bullshit? But I still say I wasn't lying, just full of teen angst, a need to be victimized. I was a flashy, showoff hero. I filled the role that everyone wanted filled. We all did. The silent but strong Trowa, ready to save the day; the compassionate Quatre, overcome with his love for humanity; the strong willed and keeper of justice Wufei; the super human Heero, who lead all of us to victory. And of course the animated, fun loving Duo, who kept all of their spirits high. And in between missions we connected with one another, sometimes romantically, building a team so close, Trieze himself couldn't tear us apart.
It's so amazingly stereotypical, almost too much to be real, but that's what we were. I think most of us even tried to play our parts as best we could, to make the soap opera for society. Well, except for the connecting part. We were friends, sort of companions to one another. But, we were never close during the war. Not that close, training wouldn't allow it. We did talk and we did trust each other, but more because we all knew that if this ever did end, we five would be the only ones who could understand one another, and we all knew that if the war ended, how much we would need to rely on one another. Even if some of us just realized it subconsciously.
Oh, and there was sex. Lot's of it. I've slept with every one of them. Quatre at his safe house when Heero self detonated; Trowa once on a shuttle trip; Wufei before a joint infiltration mission and in the OZ prison; Heero in that same prison, and during our stay at the school, a few times. I've even had sex with Hilde. It was sex, and we were teenagers, there was really no romance involved. We just removed each other from the extra stress of sexual frustration. I suppose I should be scared of an STD but I would be too amused by the ironic twist on my fate than be sad. Heh, a war hero dies of a STD. What a wonderful headline. Yet, I heard a rumor from Sally Po at the last reunion Relena held that Trowa and Quatre had run off and gotten married. They always were close to one another. And to be honest, I always liked Heero, and it pisses me off because that's who the Gundam fan girls fantasized about me being with when we saved the day. They write stories about us, draw us together; we're a pop couple. And that makes me mad because I'm older now and I don't want to be the stereotype anymore. But I do like him, and I hate walking down the street with teenage girls following me asking for an autograph and questioning if Heero is good in bed. (The sad thing is, I can't lie about that, so I feed their obsession and calmly smile and say, 'He's wonderful,' because, hey, it's true.)
I've gotten off topic. People said I did that all the time in the war, I guess I can't shake the habit. But, I look back at my past, I look back at the war, and I wonder if any of us really knew what we were fighting for and if we had justification in our war. After the battles and the parties, we all got together to discuss what we were going to do and what we have done. We all told why we fought and what our past was, just because we felt we owed it to one another, to give each other reassurance that we weren't alone.
Wufei talked about his colony, his clan, and his cause and I could only wonder if he knew all the political reasoning behind his clan leader, and if he really understood the situation. He was only 15, even if he was a scholar. Then again, I could just be ignorant. But, I can understand fighting for his wife. No one could doubt that. I really don't think Quatre knew what he wanted in entering the war. He wanted attention; he was influenced by the scientists. His love and compassion for the hurt was clear though, that may have been reason enough. Trowa and Heero both told us stories of loss and death; Trowa, I never questioned, but Heero was already in the war before the found what he was fighting for, he was in the middle of training. Heero began with no reason, but gained one and I can't decide if that's what made him stronger or if it just corrupted his mind in ways we'll never know. Suppose that's for him to know. The point remains that most of us were more influenced into our "cause." My love for the colony? It wasn't born in me; it was placed into me by G. And I'm positive it was that way for Quatre, Wufei, Heero and maybe even Trowa. We stole their ideas and made them ours, and even if they wanted that and we could relate and understand their points, it was still plagiarism, our own mental plagiarism.
When I made my revelation (I've been pondering this for months now) I had no idea what to believe in anymore. In came my blind hope. In came my Heero. (I say things like that for the fan girls.) It began a few weeks ago...
(Psss. This is where you add the flashback waves. And people say twenty- five year olds loose youthful humor...)
I had called Heero one day, I missed him, yes, but I just needed someone to be with because Hilde had officially left me. We had never gone out; she was my roommate and was just tired of dealing with me. Tired of dealing with my constant questioning and constant regret, I was always asking myself I was real, if I was true or if I just fooled Earth and the colonies. So she left me, and I had never felt so alone. Maybe calling Heero wasn't a good plan; I was throwing myself at a boy that had never shown any real feeling for me beyond friendship. Was this ok? Was any of what I was going to do smart? No, and I knew that. My idea was the dumbest thing ever thought of by yours truly. And it is very sad that I'm proud of that.
He came right after I called, he had nothing else to do; we both knew that. I met him at the port and drove him to my meager apartment. It was silent. I guess that fact I called him in tears might have made him the wee bit pensive. Hilde was my cover, the veil over my eyes hiding the truth. She hid my pain, she hid my affection for Heero, and she hid my doubt. And now she was gone, and my eyes we open to all these things I had been questioning and once I cleared through all the muck, I could find my answers.
We entered my room, sat down on my bed and I'm very ashamed to say, I broke down in his lap and cried. He held me and he calmed me as best as he could, but he was still dealing with his own demons, so I had to remember not to be hurt when he would awkwardly pat my back. And I could imagine the look of shock and confusion on his face as I snorted into his coat. I've never really been too dignified. Only after I had stopped sniffling and wiped whatever was running down my chin did he dare to ask.
"Duo, will you tell me if I ask you?"
"Why don't you just ask?" I really was curious.
"Because I know you and you will only tell me what the hell is going on when you're good and ready." He sounded much softer then I'm making him seem.
"Yeah, Heero, ask away. I've faced worse." At this moment I had a distinct feeling of a man standing before a firing range.
"Why are you crying? Why are you depressed? Why is Hilde gone? Why did you call me?" He's always wanted to know everything possible about any and all situations.
"...Heero, Why am I here, why am I a hero? Why are you a hero? What was our fucking justification? Did we even have reasons? And if we did, were they our own? What made us think we could change the world, that we were so wronged that we would make a fucking difference? Can you even answer?" It came out too fast, and he could tell I had been dwelling about it for a few months now.
He took a few moments to think about it, roll it in his head and just wonder.
END
OHHH cliffhanger... Continue or no? Review to tell me. If you don't, I'd just cr--- well, no. But come on, be a buddy.