WARNING: If you feel triggered by this in anyway, you should stop reading. I don't want to start any bodies "bad habits" again. So as mentioned, this series is VERY triggering. Read at own risk.
A/N: In no way am I stealing this from anybody. There is another copy on a different website called wattpad, but I'm still the one who wrote this one and that. I'm just posting it on here because some people don't know what wattpad is and stick to using the good old fan fiction.
Contains: Eating Disorder, Cutting/Self Harm, and just plain depression.
Part 1:
Mum waved me off at the front door of the institution. If I were her, I wouldn't want to be seen with me either. A flash of displeasure washed over my body and I instantly gripped at my stomach. My fat, fat, stomach. I felt the sick coming up, but I refused to throw up. Not yet at least. Mum had made me eat some chips earlier in her desperate attempt to make me better. Nothing can make me better though. I'm a fucked up mess. But that's why I'm here, apparently. To not be a fucked up mess anymore.
I slowly walked up the steps to the building. Counting each one. I count everything. If I don't, I can't sleep, or eat, or do anything until I count it. I guess that classifies as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I tripped on the last one, after counting 17 steps. I struck my hands out and clashed against the cold cement. dammit! I lost count.
I fucking lost count!
I growled and jogged down the steps, then back up to recount them. There were 18 to be correct.
"How could I get it wrong?!" I muttered, as I stepped into the building.
I stood there in awe as I took in my surroundings. The building was quite modern. The whole front wall was sheer glass.
"Can I help you?" A mousey brown hair women asked me from the desk.
"Uh, yes! I'm here to check in for the first time?" I mumbled, self-conscious of the way my voice sounded.
"Um, where's your parent?" She looked at me confused.
"I'm 19 years old... I-I didn't think I need her to come in." I looked at my feet.
"Oh, no worries. You just need to be of legal age, and well you are! I had no idea. My greatest apologies. And your name?"
"Cecily..."
"Come with me!" She bounced along to a corridor with a lot of doors.
She brought me to my room at the end of the hallway.
"The boys rooms are on this side, well the girls rooms are on this side!" She pointed at the different sides of the hallway.
All the doors were glass. I suppose it could be great for security purposes, but for privacy? No way. I bit my lip. If I were to change everyone would see my fat..
She finished off telling me some rules, and then left me to adjust to things. I wondered about how long I'd be stuck in here for! I questioned that for a while. I didn't bother closing the bedroom door though, I was planning to adventure after. I scanned the room, to take in everything.
There was a big enough bed. The duvet was purple and flowery. I hate Flowers. I scrunched up my nose at the girlishness. I'll paint it black sometimes. The wall was coated in a sheet of white paint. Boring old white. Paint that dark too! I looked over at the desk. There was a Macbook air, and a cup of pencils and a pad of lined paper. I felt an urge come over me. I needed to know how many pencils there were. I ran to the desk, and grabbed the cup. I spilled the contents out onto the desk, and counted the pencils.
1, 2, 3,4 ,5,6,7.
7 pencils.
I felt a wave of relief flood through my veins, as I threw my bag into the small closet. Mum had already brought my clothes down today. I sighed as I looked at my body in the full length mirror.
Ugly, worthless, stupid, fat, failure, bitch.
I should end my life.
I rolled up my black long sleeve shirt, sucked in my stomach.
"This is how skinny I should be!" I scolded myself, outlined my ribs with my finger. "But you're a fat pig who can't resist evil fattening food!"
"You're not fat.." I heard a quiet voice mumbled from the doorway.
I immediately shoved my shirt back down, and whipped my head to face the door. I saw a tall, slender teenager standing there. His jet black hair making his pale skin look even more dead. His sad looking, crystal blue eyes looked faded, as if they were brighter. He had dark circles underneath them. I felt angry that he was invading my room, but I also felt sad for him. He didn't look like the type to have many friends. Fuck, I didn't even have many friends. In fact, I had one friend! And she was fucking made up for gods sake! Dad was right. I did have a mental disorder. A few according to him. Mum and me moved away from Dad though. He was getting out of control too much. I remember him hitting me and mum a couple of times. I shook my head slightly and looked at the boy in the eyes,
"Sorry for eaves dropping.." he said sadly. "I'm Phil!" He looked me in the eyes. My dead, pale green eyes.
"I'm Cecily.. And it's fine..." I gave him a smirk.
He smiled.
"Would you like to come walk around? Lynn said you were new here, and you might need someone to look out for you. Also a tour." He offered.
"Who's Lynn...?" I asked shyly.
"Lynn was the women at the counter. You had to have seen her!"
"She was the one who brought me to this room, I assume.."
"Probably."
I started walking out the door with this so called Phil.
"So do you have any other friends here?" I asked him, hoping I hadn't gotten to personal.
"Yeah, his name is Dan. but he's in his personal session at the moment." Phil explained.
"Oh..Phil?" I looked at him as we walked down the hallway.
"Yeah?"
"H-How old are you?"
"I'm 24. You?"
"19..." I stuttered.
"Cool! So we should get to know each other! Lunch starts at 12:30." He invited.
"O-Okay..."
We walked across the foyer, when a different women called for us.
"Phil! It's time for your personal!" She called, as a tall, brown hair boy left the room.
"Oh..Okay." his expression got sad. "I'm sorry Cecily. You can have Dan, here give you a tour?" He pointed at the brunette.
"Ok-kay.." I nervously played with my fingers.
The brunette walked up to me and Phil. Phil gave me a hug, and I hesitantly hugged him back. I felt the warmth pool off of him, and onto my cold body. He walked off, and I felt a wave of separation anxiety course through me. I nervously fumbled with the hem of my shirt as I sadly watch Phil enter the room without me
The boy who I assume is Dan looks at me as I watch Phil.
"I-I'm Dan.." he said shakily.
"I'm Cecily..."
"What are you in for?" He said quietly. "You don't have to tell me though..." He reassured.
I felt like I could tell him though. I trusted him. He seemed to have similar 'issues' as me.
"I'm here because of O.C.D, Bulimia, Depression, self harm, anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress, all that crap..." I said sadly, realizing how much more pathetic I am.
"I'm here because of Anorexia, Depression, self harm, insomnia..." He softly told me.
"What's insomnia like? I've heard of it before, but I never really understood the definition." I asked, looking into his chocolatey brown eyes.
"It's kind of hard to explain, but I'll give it a shot.. Erm, basically I have a very difficult time going to sleep and staying asleep for the amount of time I want to sleep for.. Does that make any sense?"
"Uh, kind of. I get what you're saying though."
"What's O.C.D like?" He asked me as we walked around the hallways.
" Um, time consuming, first of all" I scoffed. "And to be honest, it can drive you to insanity." I nodded.
"What sort of O.C.D do you have?"
"I need to count things, make them organised, colour coordinate, and weird stuff like I have to do things a certain way or I can't do those things. Like for example, I need to fluff my pillow 3 times before I can sleep on it."
"Oh.. that sounds extremely time consuming!" He chuckled.
"Yeah.. and life destroying.." I mumbled back, with sadness in my tone.
"So what do you want to do?" He asked me.
"There isn't much to do here, by the looks of it." I looked around the area.
"True, but we can always go back to your room and talk about our lives and stuff?" He suggested.
"S-Sure, ok!" I stuttered.
We walked the opposite direction of where we were, and I got lost in mine and Dan's conversation. I had to stop walking a couple of times to count stuff like magazine stacks, or steps of stairs to the next floor, but other then that I completely forgot about why I was here. That same feeling happened with Dan that happened with Phil. The feeling of trust, friendship, a feeling I didn't have to lie to them and I could be completely open .
We got back to my room, where I opened up my door. I looked at the cheeriness of the furniture, and cringed. I walked over to my bed, fluffed my pillow 3 times, and laid on my back. I patted the empty space beside my for Dan, signaling he could come lay down too. He hesitated, but did so and walked over. He layed down immediately and looked at me.
"What?" He asked, slightly self-conscious about himself.
"I just wonder what it's like to be able to do things without a special order or anything." I said in awe.
"It's hard to explain really. It just feels normal?" He replied.
"Oh..." I looked away.
"So, Cecily. Tell me about yourself?" He said, almost sounding professional.
"Um, where do I begin? heh." I smiled.
"Just start when you discovered you had a lot of these issues?" He suggested.
"Well, basically I've always had my O.C.D, always counting things, rearranging things, that stuff. Someone just put a name on it during school. Lonely, stupid, terrifying school. I got bullied a lot. The girls there always called me fat, stupid, annoying, ugly, crap like that. I went home, and I cried and cried. Dad noticed me and called me a wimp. He was probably drunk when he saw me. Um, I cut myself tha very night. The blood leaked out of my arm and I felt a sensation of power over me. Like I could take out my revenge on myself. Dad hit me a couple times, Mum moved us away. I gradually got worse with bulimia, self harm, all that, and she stuck me in here for 'the better' meaning she wants to get rid of me." I trailed off.
"She wouldn't get rid of you?" Dan said sadly.
"Dan, everyone wants to get rid of me. No one likes me. Explains my lack of friends, doesn't it?" I rolled my eyes.
"I don't want to get rid of you..." He smiled.
"Really?" I asked, a sliver of hope trailed through me.
"Really, really."
"Thanks Dan! You and Phil have made me happy today."
"Heh, we try! So how old are you?" He chuckled.
"just turned 19 3 months ago. You?"
"19. I turned 19 4 months ago..." He said with wide eyes.
"When's your birthday?"
"June 11th, yours?" We started getting excited.
"July 11th!" I cheered.
"That's cool! We're like, birthday buddies? yeah." He cringed at his sentence.
I laughed. "So Dan, you never told me your story? Just start where I started I guess."
"I was 13 years old, I had really bad depression and I lost all my friends to it. I cut myself out of sheer sadness. I cut too deep and Mum and Dad brought me to the hospital where I stayed for a considerably long time. They were informed on my insomnia and I had to take sleeping pills every night. I got older, obviously, and got bullied more. I was called fat a lot, but I knew I wasn't. I just wasn't fit, so I didn't have a rock hard 6 pack or anything. But like bullying does often, it got through to my head. That's when i was diagnosed with anorexia. Or Annie, as it's nickname. That happened 2 years ago, and I've been stuck here since last year." He explained. His eyes looked even more sad, than they were.
Just then Phil walked down to his room, where he saw me and Dan out of his peripheral vision.
"What are you guys doing?" He asked.
"Just talking about our lives.." Dan explained.
"Speaking of which, Cecily your personal is now. I was told to come get you."
"What do I h-have to d-do there?" I started getting panicked.
"You just have to tell Maria some stuff." he said calmly.
"But I don't want to tell a stranger about my life!" I sobbed.
"You told me though?" Dan asked, confused.
"That's different! I like you and Phil!" My breath was cut short, as my brain started to malfunction.
My legs and arms were getting shakier as I hugged my legs. I sobbed and sobbed, and I couldn't breathe. It was terrible.
"Calm down, Cecily. Just take deep breaths, and relax." Phil said calmly as he rubbed up and down my bony back.
I did as so, and soon my breathing returned to normal. My makeup was smudged, so I had to take that off before I left. I wiped my tears, and stood up from the bed.
"Do you want us to walk you there?" Dan asked kindly.
I nodded my head as I wiped the black makeup from my eyes, making me look even more dead.
"You look very pretty." Dan said shyly, behind me.
I looked down, because I didn't believe him. I didn't want him to see my disbelief.
I walked behind them down the maze of hallways, as we came upon the room. the room I was dreading to enter. The door swung open, and a women with dark auburn hair stood there. She was extremely pretty, and skinny... She waved me into the room, but I stepped back.
"Come on, Cecily. You'll be fine." Dan comforted.
"Just take deep breaths, and it'll be over soon. The sessions aren't as bad as you think.." Phil added.
I took a deep breath like I was told to, and I stepped into the room. The door quietly and gently shut behind me, and I felt a sudden wave of confinement. I knew from the beginning I wouldn't be able to be comfortable in this white office.