Title: Death is Only the Beginning
Author: victoriamartynne
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Spoilers: None, I think!
Summary: Cordelia is rocked when angel dies.
"Angel is dead." Gunn said over the phone to Willow bluntly. The grief was evident in his voice.
Willow sounded as though she didn't believe him. "Where's Cordelia?"
"She's having a hard time dealing with it. She can't come to the phone right now."
"I'll tell Buffy." The shocked Willow said.
"We're having a memorial tomorrow night if y'all wanna come. It starts at midnight."
He hung up the phone and turned towards Fred who wrapped her arms around him.
She hadn't wanted to ring the Scoobies, and Cordelia had been in no fit state to so the job had been passed onto Gunn, who had also informed Wesley.
"I should probably see how she is." Fred said, meaning Cordy and went upstairs to Angel's room where she had been since it had happened two days ago.
"Do you think he's in heaven?" Cordelia asked numbly.
She was curled up on Angel's bed with one of his shirts clutched to her chest.
"I'm sure so." Fred replied. "He's done so much good."
"What if he hasn't done enough? Hadn't." She corrected herself tearfully. "Maybe he could never do enough and he's doomed to spend eternity in hell. And then I'll never see him again."
"Angel is not in hell." Fred squeezed Cordelia's hand. "He's in heaven and he's looking down on you now thinking 'don't cry'. You're strong, and he knows it. You have to be strong for him."
"I can't." Tears began to fall from her eyes. "I can't be strong. I can't hold myself together. All my life has just fallen apart. Angel was everything. My best friend, my family, my lover. Now I'm just empty inside. I've got nothing left. I can't breathe or talk or even just lie here without thinking of him. I have nothing. I am nothing!"
Sobs wracked her thin body as she grieved for the man she loved.
"Cordelia, you can get through this." Fred urged as tears fell from her own eyes.
"I can't. I just want to die. I can't live without him." She cried. "I loved him so much."
"I know you did honey. But people need you here."
"I don't want to be here." Cordelia clutched the shirt to her face and hid behind it as she sobbed. "I can't bear it."
Wesley came to visit the next day. He went straight upstairs to see Cordelia. "Cordy, can I come in?"
"Sure." She answered numbly, not moving or looking towards the door.
When she saw him she instantly cried. Seeing him brought it all back. He'd been there since the beginning, after Doyle. He strode across the room to hug her to his chest. Her body heaved in grief and sorrow. "I miss him Wes."
"I know, I do too." He replied, his voice husky with his own grief.
"It hurts; it hurts so much I think it's going to kill me. But it doesn't."
"It'll get better." He promised.
"No, it won't. It'll never get better because he's not here to make it better."
"He'll always be inside you. In your heart and in your memories. No-one can take them away."
"Buffy can. She's coming to the memorial tonight and she'll be so upset. And she'll look at me and I'll know that I don't deserve to grieve because he was always hers. They were the soul mates, not me and Angel. And even though he's gone she'll take him from me and I'll lose him." By the time she had finished speaking she was almost incoherent.
"She can never take him from you Cordelia. Buffy never knew him in LA. He was yours. He loved you. Buffy and Angel were never the soul mates. The only think that made their relationship special was that it was forbidden. You were the seer to the champion. Now that was special."
"Can you remember when you first came to work with us? We'd just lost Doyle and we had no idea what we were going to do. And then you came along, and we weren't lost anymore. Now he's gone and we're even more lost. But no-one is going to come along any more are they? I've just got to suffer for the rest of my life. That is my punishment for letting him go."
"You didn't do anything wrong by letting him go." Wesley told her seriously. "You had to let him go so you can grieve and get over him."
"I will not forget him." She argued.
"I didn't say forget, I said get over. You need to move on and eventually you will. I know it doesn't seem like it at the time but it will get better. The wound is still fresh, you have to let it heal and the scab to drop off before it can heal."
She nodded and wiped her eyes. "Either that or you keep picking the scab off and the pain keeps coming back."
He didn't smile at her joke her just pulled her to him again and let her cry.
"I miss him so much." She whispered brokenly.
"I know honey, I know." Wes murmured and stroked her hair.
"Cordy, can I come in?" Fred asked as she knocked on the door.
"Okay."
Fred opened the door and stood there with a small pot in her hands. "I've got something for you."
Cordelia saw the pot and instantly sat up from her position laid on the bed. "What is that?"
"Lorne went back to where it happened and got his ashes for you. He thought that you could put them next to the headstone we've had made for him."
Cordelia felt tears well up in her eyes. "Tell him thanks."
She held out her hands and Fred gave her the pot. She squeezed her shoulder and left.
Cordelia held the pot next to her chest. "Baby, please don't leave me." She whispered into the dark.
Author: victoriamartynne
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Spoilers: None, I think!
Summary: Cordelia is rocked when angel dies.
"Angel is dead." Gunn said over the phone to Willow bluntly. The grief was evident in his voice.
Willow sounded as though she didn't believe him. "Where's Cordelia?"
"She's having a hard time dealing with it. She can't come to the phone right now."
"I'll tell Buffy." The shocked Willow said.
"We're having a memorial tomorrow night if y'all wanna come. It starts at midnight."
He hung up the phone and turned towards Fred who wrapped her arms around him.
She hadn't wanted to ring the Scoobies, and Cordelia had been in no fit state to so the job had been passed onto Gunn, who had also informed Wesley.
"I should probably see how she is." Fred said, meaning Cordy and went upstairs to Angel's room where she had been since it had happened two days ago.
"Do you think he's in heaven?" Cordelia asked numbly.
She was curled up on Angel's bed with one of his shirts clutched to her chest.
"I'm sure so." Fred replied. "He's done so much good."
"What if he hasn't done enough? Hadn't." She corrected herself tearfully. "Maybe he could never do enough and he's doomed to spend eternity in hell. And then I'll never see him again."
"Angel is not in hell." Fred squeezed Cordelia's hand. "He's in heaven and he's looking down on you now thinking 'don't cry'. You're strong, and he knows it. You have to be strong for him."
"I can't." Tears began to fall from her eyes. "I can't be strong. I can't hold myself together. All my life has just fallen apart. Angel was everything. My best friend, my family, my lover. Now I'm just empty inside. I've got nothing left. I can't breathe or talk or even just lie here without thinking of him. I have nothing. I am nothing!"
Sobs wracked her thin body as she grieved for the man she loved.
"Cordelia, you can get through this." Fred urged as tears fell from her own eyes.
"I can't. I just want to die. I can't live without him." She cried. "I loved him so much."
"I know you did honey. But people need you here."
"I don't want to be here." Cordelia clutched the shirt to her face and hid behind it as she sobbed. "I can't bear it."
Wesley came to visit the next day. He went straight upstairs to see Cordelia. "Cordy, can I come in?"
"Sure." She answered numbly, not moving or looking towards the door.
When she saw him she instantly cried. Seeing him brought it all back. He'd been there since the beginning, after Doyle. He strode across the room to hug her to his chest. Her body heaved in grief and sorrow. "I miss him Wes."
"I know, I do too." He replied, his voice husky with his own grief.
"It hurts; it hurts so much I think it's going to kill me. But it doesn't."
"It'll get better." He promised.
"No, it won't. It'll never get better because he's not here to make it better."
"He'll always be inside you. In your heart and in your memories. No-one can take them away."
"Buffy can. She's coming to the memorial tonight and she'll be so upset. And she'll look at me and I'll know that I don't deserve to grieve because he was always hers. They were the soul mates, not me and Angel. And even though he's gone she'll take him from me and I'll lose him." By the time she had finished speaking she was almost incoherent.
"She can never take him from you Cordelia. Buffy never knew him in LA. He was yours. He loved you. Buffy and Angel were never the soul mates. The only think that made their relationship special was that it was forbidden. You were the seer to the champion. Now that was special."
"Can you remember when you first came to work with us? We'd just lost Doyle and we had no idea what we were going to do. And then you came along, and we weren't lost anymore. Now he's gone and we're even more lost. But no-one is going to come along any more are they? I've just got to suffer for the rest of my life. That is my punishment for letting him go."
"You didn't do anything wrong by letting him go." Wesley told her seriously. "You had to let him go so you can grieve and get over him."
"I will not forget him." She argued.
"I didn't say forget, I said get over. You need to move on and eventually you will. I know it doesn't seem like it at the time but it will get better. The wound is still fresh, you have to let it heal and the scab to drop off before it can heal."
She nodded and wiped her eyes. "Either that or you keep picking the scab off and the pain keeps coming back."
He didn't smile at her joke her just pulled her to him again and let her cry.
"I miss him so much." She whispered brokenly.
"I know honey, I know." Wes murmured and stroked her hair.
"Cordy, can I come in?" Fred asked as she knocked on the door.
"Okay."
Fred opened the door and stood there with a small pot in her hands. "I've got something for you."
Cordelia saw the pot and instantly sat up from her position laid on the bed. "What is that?"
"Lorne went back to where it happened and got his ashes for you. He thought that you could put them next to the headstone we've had made for him."
Cordelia felt tears well up in her eyes. "Tell him thanks."
She held out her hands and Fred gave her the pot. She squeezed her shoulder and left.
Cordelia held the pot next to her chest. "Baby, please don't leave me." She whispered into the dark.