One: October & April

"Like light and dark; World apart; This fatal love was like poison right from the start."

The Rasmus

The sun disappeared with reluctance, sending out the last of its rays from beyond the mountainous horizon. The consequential shade of blue wasn't quite the shade I was used to living under, but it was beautiful in a bleak sort of way. I watched as the light from the sun watered down the inky darkness of the night, hues of orange and red layering atop each other as the world turned away another day. I hadn't realised how much I missed daylight, but there it was. There were a number of other issues buried deep inside my chest that I never dealt with, hence the reason for my early morning jog. The distraction clearly hadn't worked though. My thoughts were still managing to rapidly race towards no go areas.

As much as I hated to admit it, I was falling apart. That hadn't been the idea. I had come out here to try and pull the pieces of myself together. I was finding it increasingly harder to keep reality in check, not surprising since Spokane. Another reminder of my foolish choices awaited wherever I looked, immediately followed by a burst of guilt that would clench around my throat. It was hard to move on.

All my life I had dreamed of the day I would be able to kill Strigoi with my very own stake. That dream was tainted with the cruel reality of loss and blood and vulnerability. That dream had disappeared to be replaced with nightmares, memories that forced their way to the front of my mind when I was sleeping. It took a lot to keep from screaming out, the only person who really understood being Lissa, who struggled with darkness daily. She managed to keep me from walking over the edge by just existing. Knowing that she depended upon me to protect her eased the guilt I was nursing. It wasn't undeserved. I had caused the murder of my best friend, scarred the minds of others caught up in my stupidity and betrayed somebody who I had never wanted to disappoint.

I slid down from the tree I had been hiding in, crashing back into the present as my feet touched the ground. My knees almost gave way as I straightened up, grabbing my kit bag on route up. It was less than I deserved, my new mantra. There would be no sympathy where I was headed: towards the training room. As I weaved through trees the moon grew in strength, lighting the melting snow and my way out the forest. I strode with strength and purpose, struggling to put my mask back in place. I needed to be ready to face my mentor and heartbreaker.

Dimitri leant against the doorway of the gym as I approached, his eyes closed as the last of the sun warmed his face. I paused a few feet away, watching his hair skim his shoulders in the wind. He didn't usually wear it down and I was mesmerised by the way it made him look older, more ethereal. Stubble darkened his face where he hadn't shaven and there was a rough edge to the way he was dressed. He had his brown duster on, which is when the alarm bells started ringing in my head. He didn't look dressed for training. He looked dressed for long haul journeying.

"Roza?" He opened his eyes slowly and my heart froze in my chest as his intense gaze grazed my face slowly. He never called me Roza, not unless he was getting ready to unleash an emotional turmoil on me. I knew I wasn't as ready to take a hit as I'd let myself believe and waited quietly for the blow to descend. I tried not to look directly into his eyes, no matter how much I longed to find reassurance, instead concentrating on skimming the snow with the tip of my boot. The wait was excruciating. "Are you alright, Rose?" he finally asked, his voice brimming with concern as he finished surveying me. I tensed when he moved towards me with sudden intent, pulling me closer.

"You're leaving." There were only two ways those words could have come out: sad and defeated, or cold and closed-off. I wasn't about to fold in front of him now, so I let my words slide through him like blades. He wasn't the only one they hurt, though he dropped my arms like they were burning him. "You've finally decided to leave with Tasha, haven't you?" I added bitterly, more ferocity slipping out. I had been feeling a lot of crap things lately, had been beating myself up about a lot of things too, now all of the emotions I'd ignored were about to be released onto the one person I had been purposely hiding them from.

Nice one Rose, was all I thought.

"Yes." It looked like today was fit for one word answers only. We both stood deep in the snow, staring at each other with accusations in our eyes. I didn't want to be hostile, but neither would I collapse at his feet in tears either. He was the only person to see who I really was, the only person who could get inside my head and entice out my vulnerability, something I hated and loved him for at the same time. That hadn't been enough though and now he was leaving. "I will be leaving with Lady Ozera in a few minutes."

"I should have know," I spat back. "You probably had your eye out for an older woman this whole time. Somebody to take care of you as much as you'll take care of her. That or you knocked her – " The wind was forced out of my lungs as a hand smacked into my face, throwing me into the snow. My eyes stung and not just from the slap. My hands grazed the asphalt beneath the ice, tearing skin as I fell away from Dimitri. I didn't move for a whole minute, trying to steady my breathing. It was harder to lock my emotions away this time, especially as Dimitri whispered rushed words of Russian, apologies and regrets breezing past my ear as he lifted me back to my feet.

"Roza, Roza, Roza," he repeated and that was his mantra, his apology. He guided me nearer to the gymnasium, the shadow of the building hiding us from seeing eyes. His hand brushed my hair back from my face, revealing the tears that shone on my flushed cheeks. He traced the path of my last tear, catching it before it fell from my chin. "Never say that Rose. Never. It's not like that at all. It's complicated."

"That's what all the great womanizers say when they're finished with their latest toy." I turned away, heart hammering from the limited space between mine and Dimitri's bodies. At the same time another part of me died, knowing it would be the last time we would have close contact like this. In fact, it would be the last time I had any contact with Dimitri at all. A whimper of grief caught in my throat.

"Rose!" Dimtiri said in alarm. "Did I hurt you?"

Yes, I screamed at him mentally, you just broke my heart. Smashed it, destroyed it. Now you're leaving with its remains. Out loud I said nothing at all, just staring up at him with the knowledge of what I had to do. I hated myself more in that moment than I ever had before.

"You have places to be, Guardian Belikov," I said as coldly as I could. It came smoothly, the anger I always internalised towards myself switching over to him easily. Those words ever raised more anger, this time for myself and the way in which I was betraying him. Dimitri's dark eyes hardened and I found myself without his form pressed against me. I missed it almost immediately, but I didn't stop him from moving away.

"You're right Rose; I do have other places to be. I have other people to be with." Ouch, my gut twisted viciously as I swallowed his words like ice cold water. "I don't have time for your immature ways anymore. I have tried my hardest to work with you and your incompetence, but there seems to be no noticeable improvement. While you have made progress with your physical and academic skills, you still have a trying attitude that will always be your undoing. I am no longer your mentor. You no longer require a mentor."

I raised my head slowly, letting the words bury deep within the chasm my heart had become. I no longer knew what was going on. One minute he had acted like he loved me, now he was slamming the door shut in my face. I couldn't help but be wounded by the callous way he spoke of the little things that made me who I was. I tried to find something to retort with, something sarcastic and witty, but the attitude he so despaired at had somehow died with his affection for me. Ironic.

"I understand, Guardian Belikov. We all have our duties to attend to as guardians. I'll continue training from where you have left off. I'll still put the extra hours in. I don't give up so easily. I hope that you and Lady Ozera have a safe journey." The indifferent words slipped out before I could stop them, effectively stopping the angry, childish tears that were threatening to fall again. All I could hear ringing in my head were the words he's leaving, but I managed to pretend they were lies.

If there had been more time I would have tried to commit his face to my memory, but there wasn't and I didn't want to remember him with an anguished expression on his face. I wasn't even sure I wanted to remember him at all. He had just made me feel worthless. The end.

"Dimitri?" Another voice put an end to our glaring contest. Tasha Ozera walked into view, an apologetic expression on her face as she registered our stances. She walked over to Dimitri quickly, placing a hand on his forearm. "The car is here, Dimitri. We need to leave soon if we are to get to the landing strip in time." She looked at me. "Sorry to interrupt, Rose." There was no sincerity in her voice. I smiled back as warmly as I could manage.

"There's no need to apologise. We're done here. You have an important campaign ahead of you and I can only hope that it goes well. Dimitri will be a great asset," I answered robotically, turning my gaze away from Dimitri. "I'll see you, comrade."

The walk into the training hall seemed longer than it should have been. I kept Dimitri and Tasha Ozera firmly behind me, letting the door fall shut on them before I allowed any lapse in control. When it had closed completely I fell forwards onto a punching bag, hands curled into fists as I ploughed all my energy into knocking the bag around. Animalistic cries of grief matched the lunges pace for pace. I wasn't surprised to find my face slick with tears. I had effectively lost the second from last good thing in my life. At this rate I'd be alone by the end of the week.

I kept fighting until I could no longer stand up. I fell down onto the crash mat with heavy breaths, my chest rising and falling rapidly. I gently touched my cheeks as I lay, the places where the tears had dried stinging. I decided there would be no more crying. To make sure I had a fighting chance I needed to make sure that my weaknesses never showed. That also meant rebuilding myself, but that was an impossible task for another day. Right now the clock on the wall showed that I had an hour until classes started. I hardly cared about my lessons today. I mean, why should I care about anything at all? But there, always at the back of my mind, was a ticking. The sense of other, that there was somebody else out there, just out of reach. Lissa. There was at least one reason to pull through.

Almost as soon as I thought her name, a twinge of desolation prickled through my mind, alien and foreign. It was a reminder that I wasn't the only person at wits end. I sat up, letting the bond between Lissa and myself widen until I got her whole perspective. Panic shot through me when I realised just how dark Lissa's mood was. I hadn't noticed before now, too wrapped up in my own pain, but Lissa was contemplating coping methods I thought she'd put behind her. I pulled out of her mind quickly, knowing I needed to head to her dormitory now.

I almost did, until I sensed Lissa's mood change. Christian was there. Frustration replaced concern. Christian wasn't supposed to be the one who turned Lissa's mood around. It was supposed to be me. I was her best friend. That wasn't the only source of my agitation. Once again Lissa had something I'd had to sacrifice: a love life. She had Christian and I had nobody. I was crying alone in the gymnasium and she was being comforted by the boy she adored. I was a dhampir and she was a Moroi. I pushed myself onto my feet and flung my kit bag onto my back. I was alone in the world again.

Snow had begun to fall covering all traces of Dimitri up. It was as if he had never been here at all. I willed my memories to do the same, cover all traces of that damn Russian up so that he might never have existed, but it was no good. I gritted my teeth and trudged through the white blanket, planning on heading back to my room to grab a shower. What I didn't expect was for a snowball to hurtle into my face.

Spluttering and coughing, I spun around to find a laughing, roughish face inches from mine. I backed away in surprise, slipping on ice hidden beneath the snow. A hand steadied me, stopping me from falling too far. I glared at the newcomer, not appreciating his help at all.

"Adrian Ivashkov, what in God's name are you doing here?"

"Here as in the academy or here as in the existential reasoning and questions concerning the meaning of life?" he asked with genuine sincerity. "It's hard to know where to start. The debate over life is so long and tedious. Hey!"

I had turned to walk off when Adrian had started rambling. He hurried to keep up with me, his longer strides enabling him to catch me pretty quickly. I was still fuming over the thought he had managed to sneak up on me, and the melting ice in my hair reminded me that he had lobbed snow in my face. I was in no mood for his flirtations. Adrian seemed not to notice my foul mood. More likely he had noticed and was ignoring it.

"I'm here at the academy to learn to master Spirit alongside Princess Dragomir. Is that good enough for you?" he asked politely.

"It's a start, though it doesn't explain why you're hovering around me," I retorted spitefully. "I'll repeat my question once more; why are you following me around like a lost puppy? I'm not in the mood for visitors."

"I saw Belikov and Ozera sneak off together and thought of you," Adrian answered with cruel honesty.

I stopped dead in my tracks. Adrian appeared to expect my sudden reaction and had stopped alongside me. We stared at each other for a long, hard minute. His piercing gaze seemed to go right through me, a dark look of understanding passing over his face. Feeling uncomfortable I ducked out of his eyeline. He smirked, tugging a cigarette free from his pocket. I was half-tempted to join him but continued walking ahead, carving a path for the both of us.

Adrian didn't give up his pursuit. I could feel his eyes boring into the back of my head as if he could somehow read my thoughts. I went to turn around to make a snide comment about him taking up a career in clairvoyance when I collided with some invisible force. Or I thought I had. I had come up short, my left foot dangling over the snow, waiting to be put down. I shook my head, but then I realised Lissa's distress had climbed up tenfold, the reason I had stopped moving at all.

She was screaming at Christian. I could get a sense of deep rage, an anger that was didn't belong to her. Her emotions flowed into me and back out again, a continuous loop that was dizzying and suffocating. I had lost all sense of my own self. My hands met snow for the second time in so many hours. The cold clarity bit through me and I instinctively tried to pull out of Lissa's head.

I got one last glimpse of Christian's shocked face, then I was lying flat on my own back Adrian staring down at me in horror. I fumbled around my own thoughts, searching for Lissa's mood amongst my own fear. It was there, pressing on both our minds. I felt guilty that I hadn't gone to Lissa. I had let jealousy come between us and now she needed me more than ever. Gritting my teeth in frustration I willed myself to be of some use. Maybe I could send support through to her. Maybe she would know I was here for her.

I'm so sorry Liss.

"Rose!" Adrian's horrified voice broke through my internal monologue.

I opened my mouth to retort, then shut it as something slammed into me. Despair. Hopelessness. Why bother getting up from here? There was nothing left for me now. There was nothing to aspire for. I wasn't going to get a good assignment when I graduated. I wouldn't get anything at all. I couldn't even have a relationship. Immediately following the self-pity came fury. I slapped Adrian's hand away as he went to help me up.

"Stay away from me Ivashkov," I hissed through gritted teeth. He recoiled at that, his eyes lingering on something I couldn't see. I didn't bother waiting to find out what it was.

Today had been crap enough. Now I needed to hit things again.