Disclaimer: I own nothing except my doubtful skills.
A/N1: Phantom pain is a sensation that an individual experiences relating to a limb or an organ that is no longer physically part of the body.
A/N2: On the side note: I love how the Adam's dream sequence from cinematic trailer was based on Rembrandt's "The Anatomy Lesson of Dr. Nicolaes Tulp". Moreover on one of the artworks from the art book (concept art of Megan Reed's office), I've spotted Bernini's sculpture "Apollo and Daphne"!
A/N3: thanks Danka for the review and basic proofreading.
Post-op blues
(DX: HR fanfiction)
By your-biohazardous-friend
"(…) his world was turned upside-down and back-to-front… again" – narrator from Harvie Krumpet
Every muscle in his head hurt – including even such ridiculous parts of his anatomy as a tongue. Every time Jensen moved his jaw thousands of nonexistent, metaphorical needles were jabbing deeper into his muscle tissue. The pain was so constant, annoying and powerful that it prevented him from eating solid meals or even blinking. Thanks to that, during his stay at the L.I.M.B. clinic, Jensen's menu had been narrowed to various brands and amounts of baby-food - a tasteless, brownish pulp of unknown origin – he didn't even need to chew. The ex-SWAT doubted that the content of the small jars, having such tasty names as "chicken stew with rice" or "ratatouille", had ever stood near any of the ingredients which were listed on the cover. The "meals" were served to him five times a day in small amounts with a tiny, plastic spoon designed primary for babies.
At the time his prosthetics were not yet in their full capacity, leaving him in the lurch of annoying nurses - especially those less pretty ones - who were responsible for feeding and manhandling him. The women also did their best to touch him more than necessary during all of the standard procedures. Normally, Adam would be amused by their efforts; however, his mental and physical scars were yet too fresh to get over his failure at the labs. Jensen had never been happier when he finally could eat with his own shaking hands or make trips to the restroom by himself. The nurses, however, weren't that happy about that.
Once Adam was more or less ready to leave, the doctor - Vera Marcovic - had forced a promise upon the ex-cop that he would continue his baby-food diet for, at least, another month. Yet, once Adam finally got to his apartment, he went thought all his cupboards in search of any form of replacement for dreaded pulps, unpacking and chewing through all his stashed food rations. He was spitting, vomiting and cursing whenever his jaw, throat or stomach refused to cooperate with his taste buds, experiment dates or expectations. Finally, after tireless search, the dreaded baby-food diet plan was set aside within millisecond as Adam sat down on the couch with a bowl of overly soaked cereals with lukewarm milk and a can of beer. The 'meal' was, of course, highly not recommended for the man his state, due lack of proper minerals and vitamins but, as desperate as he was, Adam didn't give a damn at all, marvelling upon an extremely sugary taste of fruit flavoured "Augmentchoo"s. It could appear that Adam Jensen had exchanged one unappealing pulp to another. Yet, after weeks of L.I.M.B clinic diet regime any form of variety was heaven on Earth to him.
Every since getting home, the ex-cop, practically, never came out of his den while rarely let anyone in– except for repairmen, delivery people and hookers, giving the ones brave enough to work in total darkness an extra tip. The unusual craving for isolation and darkness started when during quick shower the ex-SWAT took a glimpse of The Sarif Industries logo on his left arm and in anger smashed the looking glass into tiny shards. After thoughtful examination, he noticed that all artificial parts attached to his body had that marking. The logo was everywhere: on his forearms, soles of his feet, palms… At some restless nights, Adam would often wonder if his insides also had that logo … heart, lungs, spine or maybe even brain, would have that tiny pictogram claiming who REALLY owned more than 50% of Adam Jensen's body.
Adam also realized that the augmentations still tended to disobey him one way or another for longer than it was anticipated by doctors at the clinic. In addition to shaking hands and feeling similar to asthma, it took Adam far too long, as compared to the most cases described in the augmentation centred publications, to re-teach himself how to hold fragile objects or how not to trip over his own feet every-so-often. The L.I.M.B. doctors claimed that his flesh and bones might not rejected the enhancements, however the mind was a different case. Final diagnose: the glitches and delay in adapting were psychically based. Advised treatment: psychological counselling. The doctors assured him many times that once Adam fully accept the changes, the problems would vanish as if touched with magical wand.
The worst times however were nights. The darkness could be comforting for the security chief yet every time Adam closed his eyes, the incident was playing in front of his eyes. He could swear every since he got all the augments, his memories were enhanced to ultra high-definition, making him see crystal clear all of his mistakes which indirectly and directly added up to his failure. At times like those, it was almost impossible to get hold of his thoughts and feelings of remorse, so the ex-cop coped the best he could: he would sit by his desk with the glass of scotch and try to assemble a vintage clock, which belonged to the Reed's family for generations, which once Kubrick had knocked over.
There were also times, when Jensen would wake up in the middle of night covered in layer of cold sweat, either moaning in pain or trashing about with aching limbs he knew were GONE. At times like that, Jensen would unwittingly try to scratch the nonexistent aching spot of skin with his nonexistent nails or trying to warm up his hurting limbs by curling into himself and draping a cocoon of blankets over himself as "phantom pains" were still existing among augmented amputees. But there was a way to ease the uneasiness that Jensen had developed over those weeks being at home… there was nothing that bowl of breakfast cereal with lukewarm milk mixed with vodka couldn't fix.
Comments, advices, constructive criticism etc. are always welcomed and appreciated!