Title: Family: Heartache in LA
Author: victoriamartynne
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Spoilers: None, I think!
Summary: Sequel to Family: Back to Sunnydale, Family: Forward to LA, Family: Return to Sunnydale, Family: On to LA and Family: Wedding in LA. In the aftermath of Cordelia and Angel's wedding, their happiness is ruined by one man from Angel's past determined to ruin their lives forever.
Part One
Angel chased a laughing Connor around the lobby closely followed by Cordelia, who was walking with Ashleigh in her arms.
"What time is everyone getting here?" Angel asked, scooping Connor up into his arms.
"Buffy and Spike said they'd be here at seven. Faith and Wes are getting here at quarter to and Fred and Gunn are coming a little after. Lorne is already here."
"I didn't see him."
"You were too busy trying to teach our son how to play football when he can only just walk." She pointed out.
He turned and smiled at her, causing her to smile back.
"He looks like he's going to have a really good catch." He argued.
"Don't think for one moment I've forgotten the time you swiped my credit card and bought all the miniature hockey stuff, which by the way we still have somewhere."
He smiled. "He did look cute in that."
"He did, and no Ashleigh will not, so don't get any ideas!" She warned playfully.
"We could get her matching bows."
She pulled a face. "I'm going to go get the food ready." She gave Ashleigh to him.
"Are you cooking?" Lorne asked, coming in from the courtyard, hoping the answer was no.
"No, I'm opening and reheating takeaway boxes." She told him with a smile. "I was always dip girl back in high school because that was the only thing I could make. You know all the opening and stirring, that was my thing."
"She does know that doesn't actually involve cooking?" Lorne asked Angel.
"The nearest she gets to cooking is making popcorn and blood in the microwave. It's when she puts blood on the popcorn that I get worried."
Lorne shuddered and took Connor off Angel, who then squeezed his green fingers to stop himself from sliding off Lorne's satin slippery suit. "Wow, kid, you could be a football player with a grip like that!"
"I heard that!" Cordelia shouted from the kitchen.
Cordelia went to change into a black strapless dress at half past six ready for when their guests would arrive. Faith had asked her if she could use the lobby for a small dinner party to celebrate her moving into Wes's. She'd tried having her own apartment but had spent more and more time at his place until it had seemed more logical for her to move in with him and pay only his rent.
So now, two months after she'd gotten her own place she was moving into Wes's.
Cordelia had offered to make the food, or rather order the food, and Buffy and Spike were coming up to LA especially for the occasion.
She'd only just come back downstairs when Buffy and Spike arrived, closely followed by the star couple.
Angel played host, making sure everyone had drinks and were happy. It was a role that he found he quite liked.
Cordelia was discussing with Faith and Buffy about how to turn a masculine apartment, or room into a more feminine place, leaving Angel to talk to Spike, Lorne and Wes about demons.
Fred and Gunn arrived meaning they could sit down and eat.
"So, who's going to the McDougle's tomorrow to clear out the Nestar demons?" Wes asked, chewing on a Spicy Chicken Wing.
"I will." Gunn volunteered. "I'm in the mood for a little slice and dice."
"Who else, there really should be two going?"
"No sewer access." Angel counted himself out.
"I don't mind going." Faith told him.
"Or I could." Cordelia added. "Oh, no, I have to take Ashleigh to the clinic for her check-up."
"Gunn and Faith it is then." Wes declared.
"Anyone want to see the new Jackie Chan film?" Gunn asked.
"I won't go with him." Fred explained the reason he was asking.
"Sounds good." Spike showed interest. "I quite like Jackie Chan."
"Sorry honey, we're leaving in the morning." Buffy told him, touching his arm.
"I guess not then."
They mostly talked about idle things until they were interrupted by a man coming into the hotel.
Cordelia stood up and went across. "Can I help you?"
He nodded. "I need your help."
"What can we do for you?" She beckoned him further into the hotel but he didn't move.
"I'm afraid there is a problem outside. Can I show you?"
"Of course." She followed him outside. "What's the problem?"
His hand clamped down on her mouth, stifling a scream and she smelt something sweet.
Feeling woozy she slumped into his arms, unconscious.
Whilst Cordelia had been talking to them man and all of the gang's attention had been half on them and half on the conversation, another man slipped into the hotel unnoticed.
He went into the office where the children were.
He went over to the boy and picked him up.
The other one started crying and he heard footsteps. Gently he put the boy back and hid behind the door until the footsteps had stopped and left again.
He picked the boy back up and hid him under his coat.
Creeping back out of the office he left through the back door.
Cordelia awoke lying in the back of a car. She kicked it open and climbed out. She seemed to be under the freeway somewhere. There was a lot of dust and she could see two men stood under an arch a little way away. She set off at a run and then reconsidered.
She had her phone tucked in her bra at the side, she never knew when there might be an emergency. She pulled it out and dialled the hotel.
"Cordy?" Angel's worried voice came instantly on the line.
"Yeah, it's me, I've been kidnapped, I'm under the freeway somewhere."
"Which one?"
"I don't know. I think I'm somewhere near the pier."
"We'll find you." He reassured her and then paused. "Cor, they've got Connor too."
"What?" She exclaimed, too loudly, because the men heard her and turned around. It was then she saw Connor, bundled up in one of the men's arms. "I see him."
"We'll come find you Cordelia, I promise."
"Be quick." She hung up and threw her phone onto the floor to start and fight the man who had run up to capture her.
She flipped him over and onto the floor with ease and ran towards Connor.
"Get away from me girl, or the baby dies." The man threatened. Behind her she could see Lilah, a gun in her hand.
"Of course, something bad happens and you're here, why is that?" Cordelia spat.
"Who are you?" She asked the man.
"Daniel Holtz, pleased to meet you." The man replied in clipped English tones. "And you are?"
"I'm that baby's mother, now give him to me, you're scaring him!"
The man laughed at her. "His mother, how charming, but Darla was his mother, don't you remember?"
That made Cordelia angrier.
The man she had flipped onto the ground suddenly tackled her to the floor.
"Get off of me!" She screamed and bit him.
Holtz raise both arms in the air and a portal opened.
Cordelia got the man off her and advanced on Holtz.
"Thanks for your help!" He shouted to Lilah, who nodded.
Holtz shoved Cordelia, sending her backwards and away from the portal, onto her knees.
"No!" She screamed, her voice echoing. "No!"
He looked at her for a moment and then ran into the portal with her baby. The portal closed behind him.
"No!" She screamed over and over.
Lilah looked at her and then got into her car, leaving her lying in the dirt sobbing.
"No." She whispered, her voice coming out in gasps due to the lack of air. She was hyperventilating. "Connor, please. please!"
Angel's car pulled up and he and Faith jumped out. Angel stopped in his tracks when he saw Cordelia alone.
"Where's Connor?" He asked, his voice hard with fear.
Faith came to kneel next to Cordelia.
She looked up at Angel, her eyes puffy and bloodshot and tear tracks covering her cheeks. "A portal. Holtz got him. he jumped. and it closed. and Connor was crying. and I couldn't. I couldn't."
Her voice broke and she began sobbing uncontrollably.
Angel's face closed off in pain, his emotions hidden. He felt like someone had just ripped out his heart. His fist slammed into the side of his car hard, startling both Cordelia and Faith.
Cordelia was breathing heavily, her chest rising and falling dramatically.
"Angel." Faith warned him, eyeing Cordelia's condition critically. "Maybe we need to."
"What we need is to get my son back!" He spun around and shouted to her.
"What we need is to get her to a hospital." Faith interrupted.
Cordelia's head snapped up. "Your son? He's my son. I lost him."
"We need to get him back!" He shouted. "How did you lose him?"
"Holtz. he took him." She was still crying and panicking.
She stood up, wobbling, but Faith held her up.
"Angel?" She held out a hand to him.
"Get in the car." He told her and Faith guided her.
Cordelia's heart broke at the tone he was using with her.
Faith got her in the back of the car and climbed in next to her.
"Go to the hospital." She ordered.
"I'm going home and figuring out a way to get Connor back." Angel told her, driving too fast.
"Go to the damn hospital before I have to beat your ass down and drive there myself!"
Faith ordered sharply.
Angel dropped them off at the hospital but didn't wait with them.
Faith had her arm around Cordelia, holding her up as she had now began to sob again, the anger at Holtz, the grief of losing Connor and the heartbreak of the tone Angel was using with her all circling in her head.
"Calm down, breathe!" Faith told her. "Doctor!"
"It's my fault. he hates me. I killed my son. he hates me." She rambled between her tears, almost not breathing with the emotions of the past half hour.
A doctor came running towards them and had her on a stretcher and sedated within moments.
He left her with Faith for a moment so he could fill in a chart.
"Are you okay?" She asked, touching her hand briefly.
She shook her head. "I keep seeing his face."
"Connor's?"
She nodded, a tear slipping down her face. "They drugged me, when I woke up Holtz and another man was stood with Connor under an arch. Holtz had Connor. Lilah was there too, she had a gun. Connor was crying and scared. I couldn't fight Holtz because I'd hurt Connor. A portal opened and he jumped through. Before I'd even moved it closed. He must have been so scared. If he's even alive. I let my son get killed!"
Faith shook her head, fighting back tears of her own at Cordelia's heartbreaking tone.
"No, you didn't. There was nothing you could have done. And although it seems like it's your fault right now, when you've calmed down a little you'll realise it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you."
"Angel does. I heard what he said, he called Connor his son. That hurt me so much. Angel would never say something like that to me unless he hates me or is so mad at me that he can't bear to look at me." Cordelia whispered, her voice all but disappearing. "I failed him. I failed Connor."
Faith shook her head. "No, you didn't."
"I need to see Ashleigh." Cordelia suddenly said. "I need to see her, I need to see she's okay! Go get her, please go get her!"
Faith nodded. "Ssh, I'll get her; you just rest like the doctor told you."
"Go now?" She pleaded.
Faith nodded. "I'll go now."
Faith arrived back at the hotel. Everyone was gathering in the lobby. Fred and Buffy looked like they'd been crying.
"She wants to see Ashleigh." She told Angel.
He nodded. "She's in the office."
"Are you going to go see her?"
He shook his head. "Not now."
"Why not?" She pressed, ignoring Wes's warning glance.
He spun around to face her angrily. "Because if I see her right now I'll end up hating her! And that is not what I want to do! She let my son get killed and I will end up hating her for it! Is that good enough for you?"
There was a stunned silence in the lobby but Faith hadn't finished. "Your son? That's rich! And what about Cordelia? The woman who took him and love him as her own? He is her son and she is killing herself blaming herself for what happened! I know you're hurting but so is she!"
Angel glared at her but said nothing else.
Spike and Gunn were discussing ways of killing Holtz in the office but left when they saw Faith advancing.
Faith went into the office followed by Wes.
"I don't think that was such a good idea." He told her quietly as she picked up Ashleigh and put her in her carrycot, trying not to look at the empty crib next to hers.
"Wes, you haven't seen her, she's killing herself! The pain is too much for her. The guilt is smothering her!"
Wes saw the tears in her eyes and dropped the subject. "Look after her for me."
She nodded, kissed his cheek and left.
Buffy came up to her. "I'm coming too."
She nodded and the two slayers and baby left the hotel.
Cordelia accepted Ashleigh with open arms. The familiarity of having a baby in her arms reminding her of Connor brought a cry out of her mouth.
"We're trying to get him back." Buffy told her. "And we're not going to give in."
"Where's Angel?" She asked. "Is he coming?"
Faith shook her head. "Not now."
"He blames me doesn't he?" She asked, knowing the answer.
"No." Faith told her, at least sounding convincing.
"He just wants to concentrate on getting Connor back." Buffy added.
"I can't get the sound of him crying out of my head." Cordelia murmured.
"We're going to get him back." Buffy insisted.
Cordelia shook her head crying. "No, it's over, I know it is. You can't get him back."
"We don't know that until we try." Faith insisted.
Cordelia didn't believe that.
They left Ashleigh with Cordelia when they went back to the hotel.
She asked for some paper and a pen from one of the nurses and set about writing letters to everyone, starting with Angel.
"Dear Angel,
This letter out of all of them is probably the hardest letter I've ever had to written and I can't possibly convey the pain I am feeling right now. I know that the things that you said are only because you are angry right now and even though they hurt me I understand. I need to go away for a while; I'm not ready to see the hotel without him in t just yet. I don't know when I'll come back; I hope I will want to eventually. I just need time to work through the guilt and pain I'm feeling. I want you to know that I love you, I always will, never doubt that, and I'm so very sorry about what happened. Don't blame yourself, blame me. It was my fault and I'll live forever knowing that it was my actions that made what happened happen.
Always Angel,
Cordelia"
She was already crying and clutching a tissue under her eyes by the time she'd finished the first letter.
"Dear Faith,
You've been a good friend to me in the past few months. A truly good friend, I just wish I'd realised that earlier. Don't let Angel blame himself, okay? Everything was my doing and my choice. I hope I see you again one day.
Cordelia"
"Dear Buffy,
Enemies to friends, story of my life. Keep everything running smoothly for me. Don't let anyone give in just because I'm not there. I'm sorry for not saying goodbye properly; I'm not ready for that. Maybe one day.
Cordelia"
"Dear AI team,
I'm sorry I had to go, please forgive me for everything. The password on my computer is CCHASE; the pin code on the files is 18740. Don't give in and make sure Angel takes care of himself.
I love you all,
Cordelia"
The next morning Cordelia checked out of the hospital with Ashleigh and set out on her own, for only the second time in her life. But this time she knew, there would be no angel to help her on her way.
Author: victoriamartynne
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I own nothing!
Spoilers: None, I think!
Summary: Sequel to Family: Back to Sunnydale, Family: Forward to LA, Family: Return to Sunnydale, Family: On to LA and Family: Wedding in LA. In the aftermath of Cordelia and Angel's wedding, their happiness is ruined by one man from Angel's past determined to ruin their lives forever.
Part One
Angel chased a laughing Connor around the lobby closely followed by Cordelia, who was walking with Ashleigh in her arms.
"What time is everyone getting here?" Angel asked, scooping Connor up into his arms.
"Buffy and Spike said they'd be here at seven. Faith and Wes are getting here at quarter to and Fred and Gunn are coming a little after. Lorne is already here."
"I didn't see him."
"You were too busy trying to teach our son how to play football when he can only just walk." She pointed out.
He turned and smiled at her, causing her to smile back.
"He looks like he's going to have a really good catch." He argued.
"Don't think for one moment I've forgotten the time you swiped my credit card and bought all the miniature hockey stuff, which by the way we still have somewhere."
He smiled. "He did look cute in that."
"He did, and no Ashleigh will not, so don't get any ideas!" She warned playfully.
"We could get her matching bows."
She pulled a face. "I'm going to go get the food ready." She gave Ashleigh to him.
"Are you cooking?" Lorne asked, coming in from the courtyard, hoping the answer was no.
"No, I'm opening and reheating takeaway boxes." She told him with a smile. "I was always dip girl back in high school because that was the only thing I could make. You know all the opening and stirring, that was my thing."
"She does know that doesn't actually involve cooking?" Lorne asked Angel.
"The nearest she gets to cooking is making popcorn and blood in the microwave. It's when she puts blood on the popcorn that I get worried."
Lorne shuddered and took Connor off Angel, who then squeezed his green fingers to stop himself from sliding off Lorne's satin slippery suit. "Wow, kid, you could be a football player with a grip like that!"
"I heard that!" Cordelia shouted from the kitchen.
Cordelia went to change into a black strapless dress at half past six ready for when their guests would arrive. Faith had asked her if she could use the lobby for a small dinner party to celebrate her moving into Wes's. She'd tried having her own apartment but had spent more and more time at his place until it had seemed more logical for her to move in with him and pay only his rent.
So now, two months after she'd gotten her own place she was moving into Wes's.
Cordelia had offered to make the food, or rather order the food, and Buffy and Spike were coming up to LA especially for the occasion.
She'd only just come back downstairs when Buffy and Spike arrived, closely followed by the star couple.
Angel played host, making sure everyone had drinks and were happy. It was a role that he found he quite liked.
Cordelia was discussing with Faith and Buffy about how to turn a masculine apartment, or room into a more feminine place, leaving Angel to talk to Spike, Lorne and Wes about demons.
Fred and Gunn arrived meaning they could sit down and eat.
"So, who's going to the McDougle's tomorrow to clear out the Nestar demons?" Wes asked, chewing on a Spicy Chicken Wing.
"I will." Gunn volunteered. "I'm in the mood for a little slice and dice."
"Who else, there really should be two going?"
"No sewer access." Angel counted himself out.
"I don't mind going." Faith told him.
"Or I could." Cordelia added. "Oh, no, I have to take Ashleigh to the clinic for her check-up."
"Gunn and Faith it is then." Wes declared.
"Anyone want to see the new Jackie Chan film?" Gunn asked.
"I won't go with him." Fred explained the reason he was asking.
"Sounds good." Spike showed interest. "I quite like Jackie Chan."
"Sorry honey, we're leaving in the morning." Buffy told him, touching his arm.
"I guess not then."
They mostly talked about idle things until they were interrupted by a man coming into the hotel.
Cordelia stood up and went across. "Can I help you?"
He nodded. "I need your help."
"What can we do for you?" She beckoned him further into the hotel but he didn't move.
"I'm afraid there is a problem outside. Can I show you?"
"Of course." She followed him outside. "What's the problem?"
His hand clamped down on her mouth, stifling a scream and she smelt something sweet.
Feeling woozy she slumped into his arms, unconscious.
Whilst Cordelia had been talking to them man and all of the gang's attention had been half on them and half on the conversation, another man slipped into the hotel unnoticed.
He went into the office where the children were.
He went over to the boy and picked him up.
The other one started crying and he heard footsteps. Gently he put the boy back and hid behind the door until the footsteps had stopped and left again.
He picked the boy back up and hid him under his coat.
Creeping back out of the office he left through the back door.
Cordelia awoke lying in the back of a car. She kicked it open and climbed out. She seemed to be under the freeway somewhere. There was a lot of dust and she could see two men stood under an arch a little way away. She set off at a run and then reconsidered.
She had her phone tucked in her bra at the side, she never knew when there might be an emergency. She pulled it out and dialled the hotel.
"Cordy?" Angel's worried voice came instantly on the line.
"Yeah, it's me, I've been kidnapped, I'm under the freeway somewhere."
"Which one?"
"I don't know. I think I'm somewhere near the pier."
"We'll find you." He reassured her and then paused. "Cor, they've got Connor too."
"What?" She exclaimed, too loudly, because the men heard her and turned around. It was then she saw Connor, bundled up in one of the men's arms. "I see him."
"We'll come find you Cordelia, I promise."
"Be quick." She hung up and threw her phone onto the floor to start and fight the man who had run up to capture her.
She flipped him over and onto the floor with ease and ran towards Connor.
"Get away from me girl, or the baby dies." The man threatened. Behind her she could see Lilah, a gun in her hand.
"Of course, something bad happens and you're here, why is that?" Cordelia spat.
"Who are you?" She asked the man.
"Daniel Holtz, pleased to meet you." The man replied in clipped English tones. "And you are?"
"I'm that baby's mother, now give him to me, you're scaring him!"
The man laughed at her. "His mother, how charming, but Darla was his mother, don't you remember?"
That made Cordelia angrier.
The man she had flipped onto the ground suddenly tackled her to the floor.
"Get off of me!" She screamed and bit him.
Holtz raise both arms in the air and a portal opened.
Cordelia got the man off her and advanced on Holtz.
"Thanks for your help!" He shouted to Lilah, who nodded.
Holtz shoved Cordelia, sending her backwards and away from the portal, onto her knees.
"No!" She screamed, her voice echoing. "No!"
He looked at her for a moment and then ran into the portal with her baby. The portal closed behind him.
"No!" She screamed over and over.
Lilah looked at her and then got into her car, leaving her lying in the dirt sobbing.
"No." She whispered, her voice coming out in gasps due to the lack of air. She was hyperventilating. "Connor, please. please!"
Angel's car pulled up and he and Faith jumped out. Angel stopped in his tracks when he saw Cordelia alone.
"Where's Connor?" He asked, his voice hard with fear.
Faith came to kneel next to Cordelia.
She looked up at Angel, her eyes puffy and bloodshot and tear tracks covering her cheeks. "A portal. Holtz got him. he jumped. and it closed. and Connor was crying. and I couldn't. I couldn't."
Her voice broke and she began sobbing uncontrollably.
Angel's face closed off in pain, his emotions hidden. He felt like someone had just ripped out his heart. His fist slammed into the side of his car hard, startling both Cordelia and Faith.
Cordelia was breathing heavily, her chest rising and falling dramatically.
"Angel." Faith warned him, eyeing Cordelia's condition critically. "Maybe we need to."
"What we need is to get my son back!" He spun around and shouted to her.
"What we need is to get her to a hospital." Faith interrupted.
Cordelia's head snapped up. "Your son? He's my son. I lost him."
"We need to get him back!" He shouted. "How did you lose him?"
"Holtz. he took him." She was still crying and panicking.
She stood up, wobbling, but Faith held her up.
"Angel?" She held out a hand to him.
"Get in the car." He told her and Faith guided her.
Cordelia's heart broke at the tone he was using with her.
Faith got her in the back of the car and climbed in next to her.
"Go to the hospital." She ordered.
"I'm going home and figuring out a way to get Connor back." Angel told her, driving too fast.
"Go to the damn hospital before I have to beat your ass down and drive there myself!"
Faith ordered sharply.
Angel dropped them off at the hospital but didn't wait with them.
Faith had her arm around Cordelia, holding her up as she had now began to sob again, the anger at Holtz, the grief of losing Connor and the heartbreak of the tone Angel was using with her all circling in her head.
"Calm down, breathe!" Faith told her. "Doctor!"
"It's my fault. he hates me. I killed my son. he hates me." She rambled between her tears, almost not breathing with the emotions of the past half hour.
A doctor came running towards them and had her on a stretcher and sedated within moments.
He left her with Faith for a moment so he could fill in a chart.
"Are you okay?" She asked, touching her hand briefly.
She shook her head. "I keep seeing his face."
"Connor's?"
She nodded, a tear slipping down her face. "They drugged me, when I woke up Holtz and another man was stood with Connor under an arch. Holtz had Connor. Lilah was there too, she had a gun. Connor was crying and scared. I couldn't fight Holtz because I'd hurt Connor. A portal opened and he jumped through. Before I'd even moved it closed. He must have been so scared. If he's even alive. I let my son get killed!"
Faith shook her head, fighting back tears of her own at Cordelia's heartbreaking tone.
"No, you didn't. There was nothing you could have done. And although it seems like it's your fault right now, when you've calmed down a little you'll realise it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you."
"Angel does. I heard what he said, he called Connor his son. That hurt me so much. Angel would never say something like that to me unless he hates me or is so mad at me that he can't bear to look at me." Cordelia whispered, her voice all but disappearing. "I failed him. I failed Connor."
Faith shook her head. "No, you didn't."
"I need to see Ashleigh." Cordelia suddenly said. "I need to see her, I need to see she's okay! Go get her, please go get her!"
Faith nodded. "Ssh, I'll get her; you just rest like the doctor told you."
"Go now?" She pleaded.
Faith nodded. "I'll go now."
Faith arrived back at the hotel. Everyone was gathering in the lobby. Fred and Buffy looked like they'd been crying.
"She wants to see Ashleigh." She told Angel.
He nodded. "She's in the office."
"Are you going to go see her?"
He shook his head. "Not now."
"Why not?" She pressed, ignoring Wes's warning glance.
He spun around to face her angrily. "Because if I see her right now I'll end up hating her! And that is not what I want to do! She let my son get killed and I will end up hating her for it! Is that good enough for you?"
There was a stunned silence in the lobby but Faith hadn't finished. "Your son? That's rich! And what about Cordelia? The woman who took him and love him as her own? He is her son and she is killing herself blaming herself for what happened! I know you're hurting but so is she!"
Angel glared at her but said nothing else.
Spike and Gunn were discussing ways of killing Holtz in the office but left when they saw Faith advancing.
Faith went into the office followed by Wes.
"I don't think that was such a good idea." He told her quietly as she picked up Ashleigh and put her in her carrycot, trying not to look at the empty crib next to hers.
"Wes, you haven't seen her, she's killing herself! The pain is too much for her. The guilt is smothering her!"
Wes saw the tears in her eyes and dropped the subject. "Look after her for me."
She nodded, kissed his cheek and left.
Buffy came up to her. "I'm coming too."
She nodded and the two slayers and baby left the hotel.
Cordelia accepted Ashleigh with open arms. The familiarity of having a baby in her arms reminding her of Connor brought a cry out of her mouth.
"We're trying to get him back." Buffy told her. "And we're not going to give in."
"Where's Angel?" She asked. "Is he coming?"
Faith shook her head. "Not now."
"He blames me doesn't he?" She asked, knowing the answer.
"No." Faith told her, at least sounding convincing.
"He just wants to concentrate on getting Connor back." Buffy added.
"I can't get the sound of him crying out of my head." Cordelia murmured.
"We're going to get him back." Buffy insisted.
Cordelia shook her head crying. "No, it's over, I know it is. You can't get him back."
"We don't know that until we try." Faith insisted.
Cordelia didn't believe that.
They left Ashleigh with Cordelia when they went back to the hotel.
She asked for some paper and a pen from one of the nurses and set about writing letters to everyone, starting with Angel.
"Dear Angel,
This letter out of all of them is probably the hardest letter I've ever had to written and I can't possibly convey the pain I am feeling right now. I know that the things that you said are only because you are angry right now and even though they hurt me I understand. I need to go away for a while; I'm not ready to see the hotel without him in t just yet. I don't know when I'll come back; I hope I will want to eventually. I just need time to work through the guilt and pain I'm feeling. I want you to know that I love you, I always will, never doubt that, and I'm so very sorry about what happened. Don't blame yourself, blame me. It was my fault and I'll live forever knowing that it was my actions that made what happened happen.
Always Angel,
Cordelia"
She was already crying and clutching a tissue under her eyes by the time she'd finished the first letter.
"Dear Faith,
You've been a good friend to me in the past few months. A truly good friend, I just wish I'd realised that earlier. Don't let Angel blame himself, okay? Everything was my doing and my choice. I hope I see you again one day.
Cordelia"
"Dear Buffy,
Enemies to friends, story of my life. Keep everything running smoothly for me. Don't let anyone give in just because I'm not there. I'm sorry for not saying goodbye properly; I'm not ready for that. Maybe one day.
Cordelia"
"Dear AI team,
I'm sorry I had to go, please forgive me for everything. The password on my computer is CCHASE; the pin code on the files is 18740. Don't give in and make sure Angel takes care of himself.
I love you all,
Cordelia"
The next morning Cordelia checked out of the hospital with Ashleigh and set out on her own, for only the second time in her life. But this time she knew, there would be no angel to help her on her way.