Fic Title: You are everything for me
Twist on 2.01. Anna is following John Bates after he said to her: "I am nothing." The beginning of an AU Fic.
A/N: This is a little journey back to Series 2. It was really hard for me watching Series 4 & 5 and so I had to think more about Series 1, 2 and I kept asking myself how Anna and John Bates could become happy. Here is my answer.
Thanks so much to Small Hobbit for the beta and Vaysh for your passion for fanfiction.
Enjoy, and please leave a review.
Disclaimer: John, Anna, and Downton Abbey don't belong to me. / I don't own Downton Abbey. It belong to Julian Fellowes
*I used the original lines by Julian Fellowes. I have no rights to those words or the characters.
They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered. F. Scott Fitzgerald
*„I am nothing." He left her crying in their courtyard. He couldn't believe how one day had changed his life. He had proposed to her and now he had crushed her heart and his own was hurting like it never had before. He was nothing. He walked away and when he could not hear her sobs anymore he nearly collapsed, he was holding his stomach and felt so sick. He had to slide down a wall and in this corner of two walls he began to weep like a child who was lost in the woods and knew it would never find its way back. His whole body was shaking and he was totally wrapped up in his own pain. He heard the voice of Robert in his head, always repeating like a broken gramophone: *"I cannot remember being more disappointed in any man", "thought we've crossed the great divide" and he knew that her desperate and begging eyes would never leave him again. He was sure that from now on when he looked at the world the first thing he would see were her eyes full of black despair and behind them the world.
Anna was left in the courtyard. Her mind was racing. She was deeply hurt but she would never believe what he had just told her. They had spoken about their own little hotel and children and she had seen his hope and love and devotion. She could not go inside and pretend to be Anna Smith anymore, if he went then she really was nothing anymore.
She followed him and asked herself where he might have gone – to the lake, into the gardens but after some yards she heard a mumbled crying and she followed the sound. Her shoes were loud on the gravel and she was afraid he would hear her coming but when she lowered herself beside him he was really startled. His face looked terribly tortured and when she saw him like that all her anger vanished. She wanted him to be happy whatever that may cost her.
He began to stumble out "Anna, I am sorry, we can't …" but before he could find the right words she was kissing him urgently and she not only kissed him she tore his jacket away. In his mind everything began to mingle. This was wrong and right. Vera would catch him in the morning. He had to leave her. He had to protect her. He tried to say something: "Anna, I am so …" But Anna silenced him again and he gave in. She took his hands and guided them underneath her skirts and it was like in one of his dreams. He understood that Anna needed him as much as he needed her. He could not believe what they were doing but she pressed herself onto his lap. He could not resist anymore and caressed her thighs and Anna even came closer and so he touched her wet and heated centre. "Anna, I am sorry this is too much. I cannot give you this one thing." "Mr. Bates", "Please my love, call me John". "John, after what you have said to me, you have to comfort me and give me your love and afterwards we will talk." She kissed him passionately and he was lost. He tasted her sweet lips, and felt their kisses deepen and he gave in and caressed her heat. He gave her as much pleasure as he could in this situation. But when she was undone she wasn't stopping, she wanted more and he was aroused and impassioned like never before in his life and everything was so dark that he needed her light. They both were crying. She opened his trousers and just feeling her lust made him hard and warm and feeling her hands did the rest to him. She was sitting in his lap and he did not think about anything anymore in this moment. He needed her and Anna needed him. John had broken something in both of them when he said he would leave with Vera and it had to be mended. But he had to ask her: "Anna I need you now more then I needed anything in my life but afterwards …" She said: "I need to feel you inside me. It is not what the world is telling us but I do feel it is right. I gave all my vows in my dreams to you and this is the worst and the best time mixed together. I want to make you mine and have to be yours." She kissed him and this kiss deepened and she opened her mouth for him and she also opened her lap for him. It was of course her first time and John had avoided sex like alcohol in the last years. It was hurried and feverish. She felt some pain but much more she felt whole and knew he was hers now. They were holding each other till their breath became normal again and he was so ashamed. He couldn't believe what he had done. There should have been a wedding and a wedding night and a ring and instead everything he had given her would dishonor her.
"Anna I am so sorry. I don't know how this could happen. I have to go with Vera because she has made a threat against you and this house with the death of this Mr. Pamuk. She was blackmailing me. But after tonight I cannot leave you. I want to be with you. I don't know what to do." Anna had known that there was more than only his wife and she was so happy about what he had told her and said: „John Bates – you should have spoken to me more honestly. Perhaps you know already but I can tell you, you are everything to me. You can't go because it will end my life. But I can leave my life behind me for you and we can start a new one together. There is only one way, I will write a letter to Lady Mary and perhaps she will find a way for herself. But we will leave Downton tonight. I have saved some money and with that we can go to America and the rest will be in God's hands."
John couldn't believe what he had just heard but in a strange way it made sense to him. Everything was falling into the right place again. He would not leave her. They would go together to another land and start again. It was really time to start their life together.
They both went back to the house. Everyone was sleeping and after twenty minutes she had packed her whole life. John was even faster and he was sitting in the kitchen and writing a letter to his Lordship. In a whispered voice he told her everything he had heard from Vera and Anna shyly confirmed afterwards that it all was true. They decided to be honest about everything that happened to his Lordship, to Mrs. Hughes and of course to Lady Mary. Anna wrote the letter to Mrs. Hughes. She did not know why but she was sure this woman would keep every secret for her. Anna described shortly the night of the events and what happened when Vera visited and that she could not let John Bates leave her life again. She thanked her and dearly hoped for her blessing.
'Oh my dear Anna, of course I give you blessing and wish you all the best and God's blessings too.
Mr. Carson doesn't have to know everything that's written in this letter. Otherwise it will break his heart.'
Her letter to Lady Mary was different. In a way she felt like Lady Mary was a friend but she never crossed the great divide. Anna was sorry to leave her in this mess but Lady Mary had started it all at least.
'Oh Anna, at least no lies anymore. You are so much braver then I could ever be.
She will have an interesting talk with Lord Grantham in the morning.'
For John it was difficult to find the right words for Robert Grantham. He knew that this knowledge about his daughter would hit him hard but like all of them he couldn't be spared and John was nearly sure he would find a way to deal with Vera when Vera realized that John was out of her reach forever.
'Oh Bates, you should have told me.
He had to wake up Cora and he had to speak with his daughter and with the vicious woman. One morning after another his life was changing rapidly and he could not stop this anymore.'
He even wrote to Vera and said that he was sorry about everything that went wrong and that he is sure everything would go again if they were to be together again.
'How dare he say sorry to her. She would find him and she would drag him down but first she wanted her money.
She would speak very openly to the Lord today.'
The door to Mrs. Hughes office was closed and so they slipped the letters underneath the door. They were in hurry but Anna needed a last look into the corridor and when she closed the back door and stood with John Bates in the courtyard she had the feeling that they were really doing the right thing. It was dark outside but Downton was in a way much more darker and she felt like she was escaping a dreadful destiny. John looked at her and only saw her shaded face. It was not easy for him but he said: "My darling we can go back. I don't know how we …" but Anna's face brightened up and she kissed him and said: "I have the feeling we are escaping a painful destiny and that the new world will bring to us a good and new life." He had to kiss her for her words, her trust and believe and if only they had time and a bed they would have gone nowhere.
But they had to go away quickly. There were only four hours left before Daisy would be up for her morning duties. They were lucky and caught the milk train and so John's encounter with Downton Abbey finished like it had begun in the morning fog. They were heading back to London.
Fortunately Anna und John were alone in the carriage for they needed to talk. "Anna, I know we are not married and by no means will we ever be legally married because Vera will never give me a divorce now. But I have thought about that and I have an idea. I know you said we should go to America and I think that's a really good idea but if we go to the usual ports there is a possibility that she will catch us. I have relatives in Dublin and Vera isn't aware of them. I just made contact in the last year and we can sail from Queenstown to New York and before that we could get things settled." "But how, we will not be married after all." "We will if you can manage to change some things which are perhaps dear to you." Anna did not understand what he was trying to say. "Anna, *prison was quite an education I can tell you. I can arrange to change your birth certificate and after that you will be some years older and you will be Vera Anna May Smith. I just realised some hours before when I packed everything that by a strange coincidence Vera's birth name was Smith too. So if you trust me for the world you will be my wife when I have a calm hour and some tools." "Your first proposal was not a really romantic one and its seems that our marriage will be not very different to that but even if we get the time wrong too I really appreciated our wedding night." They both laughed and he had to kiss and embrace her dearly. She made up her mind quickly and of course there was no way back and she did not want to go back either. Anna had dreamt about marrying him properly but if destiny should refuse her that it was alright. Much more she wanted to live with him even as Vera Bates. They had to do quick errands in London. John fetched some money from his only old friend. He had deposited it there when things with Vera went wrong. Anna bought some ink, paper, razors and some more stuff. She was curious how this would be changing her whole life. After that she hid the whole time in a cheap and dirty boarding house where nobody ever asked for their names. Even here she was happy with her decision. Anna had of course a bad conscience because of Lady Mary and Mrs. Hughes but it was time for her own life now. She was sure about that.
That night she watched John adding her first name as Vera and changing her birth date and after that John said slightly jokingly: "I now pronounce you husband and wife and your are ten years older my sweetheart too." But he was silenced when he saw the tears in her eyes. "I am sorry Anna, that I bullied you into this. You can of course go back but I cannot go anymore." "Oh, you silly beggar. I am as happy now as I was in the servants hall some days before and it is in some ways even better because I do not have to wait anymore for you. Could you please make love to your older and much more experienced wife." Their first time was fast and in darkness and despair. This time he longed to see the wonderful body of his wife and Anna wanted to see what she had only felt. John wanted to worship this extraordinary woman who gave everything to him and he needed to taste her and Anna blushed more than once this night. When she had her pleasure not only once she wanted to try him and John wasn't sure if that was a good idea. It was so intimate and he did not want her to be irritated. But he also learned a lot of things about Anna this night. Normally she loved sleeping but this time she only needed him and she was a really passionate lover of his soul and his body. She was worshipping him like he was worshipping her and in the end he did not know anymore how often they had been together this night but they both were sure it was the right thing to do.
In the next morning they left for Holyhead and they were lucky not to run into Vera. She would be receiving a lot of money from Lady Mary in the next months and so she would not tell her story but she also wanted him back, chained to her and punishing him for his luck. But John had chosen their stay and ways very well. Vera waited at the wrong train station and could not spit her poison anymore. The same day Anna and John had a wonderful sunny passage to Dublin and they both enjoyed this rather spontaneous honeymoon. They were welcomed by John's cousin and it took two weeks for them to arrange the tickets for New York. Their papers were approved and at last they got the tickets for John & Vera Anna May Bates. A married couple for sixteen years who wanted to start a new life in another world.
John bought the tickets and he knew he had to do something else. They met in the town centre afterwards and he said that he wanted to pray for everything that was given to them and for a blessing of their journey. Anna was surprised because John was never a man for the Sunday worship. But of course she was pleased and when they kneeled down in the St. Patrick Cathedral in front of a small side altar and had their privacy he gave her the tickets and a ring and said: "Dear Mrs. Bates are you giving me the honour to be my wife." Anna said: "You are everything to me and there could not be a greater honour for me in this whole world." She couldn't think of a better way for a marriage and she wept and accepted the beautiful ring he has bought. Here in the face of God they were making their whispered vows and exchanging their rings.
When they saw the last land of Europe Anna felt free like never before in her life. It was like escaping a vale of shadows which where lurking in the dark and in Boston they started a new life and after some years they owned a wonderful little hotel. Vera was after all so rich that she wanted a divorce dearly but she never found Mr. John Bates, who was happily married ever after to Vera Anna May Bates. At their home he only called her Anna and when they were alone she sometimes giggled and called him with a seductive voice "Mr. Bates" and they laughed. So their children really wondered after their deaths when they were going through the papers that her mother's first name was Vera but they decided that Anna was really a far better choice for their wonderful mother.