A/N: I'm trying my hand at a humour version of Twilight Princess. Sadly, I cannot write a Midlink-less fic so there is funny Midlink in store.

It's so sad; I don't own Legend of Zelda OR MIDNA!

Twilight on crack

Kids from hell and emoism

"Do you ever feel a strange sadness as dusk falls?" Rusl asked, placing his hand on Link's leg. Link looked disgusted and shuffled away from the bisexual.

"No, because after dusk, Ilia won't try to make love to Epona. And I'm not emo."

"Well, I feel sad after dusk, because the Twilight comes and Twilight is bad." Rusl said, getting close to Link again. Link's pants became wet and he cheeks flushed red.

"Twilight is crap, who reads about Vampires falling in love with humans?" Link asked, seriously hurting Ganondorf in the process.

Rusl frowned, making Link pee himself again, and left. Link followed his not-friend, dragging his horse behind him.

Ilia was waiting for Epona in a bikini outside Link's house. The horse saw the sin against nature and ran away into the forest, making her departure early. Link yet again emptied his bladder and he disappeared into his home to try his hand at becoming emo. Being emo hurts Link thought but at least I'm not bisexual like Rusl or prone to making love with horses. The only sane villager shuddered at the thought and had to run to the bathroom before he vomited all over his carpet.

"HEY! LUKE, GET DOWN HERE AND ROUND UP MY COATS!" Fado, the 101 year old rancher who could never get his sentences right, called breaking Link's window. Link growled to himself and picked up his emo knife. Instead of slitting his wrists, he chucked it out of the window and killed Fado. No-one would really give a damn in the village, because all Fado did was call Talo a little girl and watch his goats make goat love. Link chucked, and pulled his emo knife from Fado's brain. Never again would the villagers bug him. He was a hero. He was-

"LINK!" a crude voice screeched, burning Link's earlobes. It was the kids from hell, probably come to torture and rape him. Link tried to make a break for freedom, but it was too late. The kids had grabbed hold of his ankles with their tongues.

"Ergh, dammit guys, why do you always do that, it's disgusting?" He asked, feeling another bladder explosion coming on.

"YOU'RE GOING TO TEACH US HOW TO USE A SLINGSHOT AND A SWORD" Talo screamed for no means necessary. Link raised his eyebrow, surprised that he could shout so well with his tongue tied around the poor Hylian's ankle.

"But I don't have..." Link began, but Beth shoved a wooden sword into the ground before him and a slingshot in his mouth. Link spat the weapon out into his hand and gave Beth the evils. Sadly, she was so ugly that Link had to look away before his eyes burned out.

"Will you teach us how to use the Slingshot efficiently now, Link?" The fat, creepy baby asked, unlatching his tongue from Link. Talo was still holding on. Link stared angrily at the three reincarnations of Satan and then a very evil thought popped into his head. An evil grin spread across his face and in his head he was doing very crap evil laughter.

"I'll teach you how to use a sword alright." He said evilly. The kid's eyes lit up, and Link had a sudden spasm from their ugliness. When he got over it, he drew the sword from the dirt and tried to chop off the kids heads. But his plan was flawed because Nintendo made them duck. He tried with his slingshot, but they dodged that as well. Link was sure the hell kids were going to eat him and if Colin hadn't show up, he would have died. Colin was just as gay as his father, having tried to make love to Link, but he had saved him from being vored by hell kids many a time. Link owed him his life, although as a new emo, he didn't mind being killed. The hell kids got out their tongues, but Colin smiled at them gaily and they exploded. Link stared at the boy in astonishment. Never again would he diss gays.

"Hi Colin, thanks for killing them, the stupid game manufacturers made them indestructible by weapon." Link said, rubbing the back of his neck. Colin hugged him and made his bladder empty.

"Don't mention it buddy. Say, Ilia got your horse again, so we've got to go and save her. She's in Ordon spring, but you have to crawl through that hole because she locked the gates. Oh, and if you come across a big black wall, run, or you'll experience lesbian sex, broken backs and you'll become a transvestite." Link raised his eyebrow, then the other, before doing that thing in the Cadburys advert. Colin had to grab him by the arm and skip away to the hole.

"Okay, you first." Colin told Link, pushing him forwards, his hand on his ass. Unaware that Colin just wanted to gaze at his backside, Link entered the hole and tried to crawl through, but in order to be safe from gays, he had dressed in many layers and had too much on him to get through. By the time he was out, he was dressed only in his boxers with bunnies on them. Ilia was lying in the water, in a bra and thong, blowing Epona kisses. Link's nose exploded and Ilia found herself swimming in blood. After an incredibly boring cut scene that XEmoMidnaX cannot be bothered to write about, due to her urge to get to the Zelda part, a huge green thing came riding in and shot Ilia and Colin (Yes, Link thought, now I'm free). The green thing also hit Link on the head, causing him to black out and dream of his sister in a bikini. It was so stupid that it forgot to take Link and left without him.

Link woke up, still with vague images of Aryll caramelldansen in a bikini flashing through his mind. But he was not on Outset; he was lying in his underpants in a bloody spring. He remembered the mean green thing that hurt him and decided to go and hurt it for being so mean. He got up and ran through Faron woods until he came to a big black wall. Instead of using his brain and running away, Link did the stupid thing and walked towards it, only to be grabbed by a black hand and pulled into the wall.

The black thing turned out to be a nerdy Twilit messenger who liked throwing Hylians around. The thing did exactly that to Link and if the boy hadn't started turning into a doggy, he would have vored it. But Link was turning into a doggy and being dragged away into a dungeon, so he couldn't. What Link didn't know, besides absolutely nothing, was that the little creature watching him, who looked like she had been raped due to the state of her hair, was going to rescue him and ride him around doing her errands that she was far too lazy to do herself. Therefore beginning the Legend of Zelda, Twilight on crack.