Well… I guess I don't have much to say, except that I'm going to continue writing this story, instead of Ajay. I hope you're all okay with that. I promise that this time I won't take it down, no matter how bad of a writer's block I get.

I would like to dedicate this story to someone who will probably never see it, and I might never meet him, but he has impacted my life in many ways. I am proud to call him my idol. I've learned a lot from him, whether he knows it or not. This story here is dedicated to the one and only Kendall Schmidt. A boy who has a heart of gold... Someone who I truly admire. :)

Here is the first chapter. Hope you all like it.

WARNING: Eating disorder, future suicidal thoughts, and self-harm. Read at your own risk.

"Do you ever think of, what you're standing at the brink of. Feel like giving up, but you just can't walk away..." ~ Invisible by Big Time Rush

"Hello! Earth to Kendall! Earth to Kendall! Yo, Kendall, are you with us?"

Kendall seemed to slowly snap out of his thoughts and gain full control of his consciousness. He turned to look back at James, who was sitting beside him on the plane. He raised an eyebrow questioningly at the brunette and tried his best to look like he was alright, when he really felt like he was being eaten from the inside out. "What was that?" he asked, clearly confused.

"I was asking you if you wanted something to eat. I was just about to call the waitress over," James responded. Kendall bit down on his lip at the mention of food. His stomach growled with hunger, but he didn't want to eat. Eating meant gaining weight, and that was the last thing he wanted to gain.

"I… I'm not very hungry right now, James," he responded easily. Too easily for his own liking. He hated to lie, especially to one of his best friends, but he couldn't afford to let the truth slip from his pale lips. James would worry to no end over him. Logan would probably give him a long lecture about how not eating was unhealthy for you and other uninteresting facts he could care less about. And Carlos would probably freak out about the whole situation.

"Are you sure? They have some pretty good stuff for breakfast, like pancakes… Hey, look, they even have chocolate chip pancakes! I know you like those!" James shoved a folded menu packet in front of Kendall's face, making the blonde gasp in alarm.

The pancakes did look pretty good, and he hadn't eaten anything since they left for their trip back home from Canada.

"Uhh... I-I-I… Okay."

James grinned as he turned around in his seat to peek at the two shorter members of Big Time Rush behind them. "Hey guys, what are you two gonna have?" he asked curiously. Kendall could only hear his friends' mumbled replies as he once again got closed in on his thoughts. He could hear the taunting voices again, calling him ugly, waste of space, fat. He couldn't take it anymore!

Was he really as ugly as they said?

Was he really some waste of space no one wanted nor needed?

Was he really as overweight as they had said?

"Kendall! The pancakes are here!"

Kendall eyed the plate piled high with pancakes in front of him. He felt like puking right then and there at the sight. Did they really expect him to eat all those pancakes all by himself? He couldn't. Could he? Maybe he could. If he was as overweight as everyone claimed him to be, then he must have eaten a lot.

Maybe he could eat all those pancakes on his own…"Hey, little bro, eat up! We've got a long plane ride ahead of us. You gotta eat something."

Kendall faked a smile and nodded at James. With a trembling hand he grasped the plastic fork in between his long, skinny fingers and cut off a small piece of the delicate, spongy food, watching the syrup James had sprawled on top of them easily leak down and back on the plate.

Syrup was bad, wasn't it? Didn't syrup make you gain weight? Hadn't Logan once told him that after he had placed a large amount of syrup on his pancakes back at the Palm Woods?

"J-James, I'm not really hungry," Kendall said in a barely audible whisper, causing James to pause whatever he was doing with his plate of scrambled eggs.

"Come on, dude, you can't be serious!" the brunette exclaimed, earning the attention from Carlos and Logan. The two older boys looked over their seats, eyeing the two younger boys with interest.

"What's going on?" Logan asked James. The pretty boy whipped around and frowned at his smaller friend.

"He doesn't want to eat his pancakes," James said, pointing his fork at the young boy beside him. Kendall turned away from all the attention and fixed his eyes on his lap, feeling his cheeks burning because of all the attention he was suddenly receiving. He could feel all three pairs of eyes sinking into him as he sat there like the baby he was.

"Kendall, why don't you want to eat?" Logan asked with concern.

"I, umm… Uhh…"

"If fe doefn't waft to eaft them, can I eaft them?" Carlos asked with a mouthful of strawberry pancakes. He grinned at his blonde best friend, earning a glare from both brunettes.

"No, Carlos. Kendall is going to eat them. Right, Kendall?" Kendall felt his cheeks heat up once again. "At least try to eat a couple of them, Ken. I don't want you getting sick on us," Logan said quietly. He patted Kendall's shoulder and sat back down on his seat, pulling a now-drooling Carlos along with him.

"Come on, eat up, buddy." James smiled at his smaller friend as he continued eating his plate of scrambled eggs. Kendall only scrunched up his nose at the chocolaty aroma coming from the spongy breakfast. He had to eat something if he didn't want his best friends to be on his case 24/7. They already watched over him enough, he didn't need any more.

Kendall lifted his fork from the plate and brought it to his mouth, cringing as the chocolate chips melted in his mouth. He tried swallowing the whole piece of pancake but ended up coughing the piece back up, startling James. The older boy shrieked at his friend, trying not to stare at the piece of food that Kendall had practically just hacked up.

"Kendall, what the heck was that?"

"Uhhh… I choked," the younger boy responded truthfully. "My mouth's a little dry." Just like that he lied again, effortlessly. James rolled his eyes and called the waitress over and asked her for a glass of orange juice.

"Here you go, bro. Maybe this'll help," he said, handing Kendall the glass. Kendall thanked him and took a sip, only to bring the juice back up as well. The tip of his ears burned with embarrassment. He wiped his mouth with the back of his jacket sleeve and tried not to make eye contact with his older friend.

"Kendall, what in the world is going on? Are you sick, is that why you're not hungry? Do you need a doctor? Are you going to–"

"JAMES!" the boy hissed, clearly tired of all the questions. "I'm fine, just tired, that's all."

There it was. Third lie in less than thirty minutes.

"A-are you sure?"

"I'm sure. Now, can you get this food away from me? I just want to take a nap." James nodded in response to his best friend. He took the plate and glass from Kendall and handed it back to the waitress. Glad he no longer had the disgusting food in front of him, Kendall closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep, only to land in his daily cloud of nightmares. He was used to them after three weeks of torture, but they somehow still made him chill to the bone.

Ugly.

Waste of space.

Fat.

He was ugly. He was a waste of space. He was fat. There was no hiding it.

He wasn't a pretty boy like James. Girls didn't fall head over heels for him like they did with the pretty boy of Big Time Rush. He didn't have the looks or the same confidence his older friend possessed. He couldn't go up to a girl and ask her on a date just like that. He was shy and ugly. Girls hated shy and ugly. Girls wanted confident and pretty.

He was in no way like Carlos. The little Latino was the cutest thing in the world. Everyone wanted to be around Carlos because he brought some sort of joy to everyone he met. Carlos was a happy-go-lucky guy, filled with an innocence only he could go around with at the age of 17. Kendall wasn't as cute as Carlos. He wasn't some adorable ball of energy everyone wanted around. He was never wanted. He was a waste of space and boring.

He wasn't as skinny as Logan. He probably looked like a giant pumpkin when he was standing beside the older boy. And he certainly wasn't as smart as his genius best friend. Sure, he knew all he needed to know. He studied as hard as the tiny brunette, but he always somehow managed to fail all his tests. He wasn't skinny or smart. He was fat and stupid. He was disgusting.

Ugly.

Shy.

Waste of space.

Boring.

Fat.

Stupid.

Disgusting.

He fell asleep with a frown on his face. Just like that he had found four new flaws about himself. But despite the fact that those thoughts hurt, they also managed to bring him some sort of peace. If he was as disgusting as hewas told for so many years, then maybe no one would ever pay attention to him. Maybe flaws weren't so bad after all.

Maybe… Just maybe he could finally lose himself and no one would notice.

But maybe all those words were lies. Maybe he was hurting himself over nothing.

But then again, maybe not.

Did you guys like it so far? Give me your thoughts, and a bag of gummy bears will be shipped to your home instantly! Lol. Thanks for reading! :D

~ BigTimeRush-BTR :)