THE GAME OF LIFE
Summary- Hidan buys himself a fun family board game. I had submitted this before but I revised it… A lot. High rating because of Hidan's awful name calling.
Disclaimer- I do not own Naruto or LIFE. Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and LIFE belongs to Hasbro.
Notes: I split Zetsu into two separate but complete beings, but he is still Zetsu. I often refer to the dark side as Zet and the white side as Tsu, but so as not to confuse anyone, I didn't. BOLD is the dark half speaking, of course, since they go by the same name here.
Hidan, as he always did, made an absolutely unnecessary entrance into the Akatsuki hideout. Normally, he would just kick the door open so hard that it bounced against the wall and left a hole where the doorknob smacked the drywall, but this time, he decided to slam the blunt end of his scythe through the door to splinter the wood, reach inside, and let himself in. He stood before Konan, who paused and gave him an exasperated look.
"Hidan-sama, please… that's not necessary. Simply knock and someone will open it for you…" She sighed, adjusting the basket of laundry that she held.
"Huh?" He shrugged, scratching his head. "The fucking door wasn't locked, you dumb twat! Why the hell would I knock?" He threw his scythe in the corner and held up the black bag in his other hand. It was a recyclable bag that was given to him on his last visit to Kozy Kunai, number one in weapon holstery. Hidan cared greatly about the environment and didn't want plastic bags lying around, so he always took his recyclable bag when he went shopping.
"What do you have there, un?" Deidara entered, observing the ebony sack that Hidan had raised above his own head.
Hidan, excited to have the attention on him, approached the coffee table, pulled it towards the middle of the room with his free hand, plopped down, and shredded the bag. This revealed quite a colorful box.
"It's a fucking game, I got it at Fucks R' Us!" Hidan threw the box down onto the coffee table, which dented the object and caused a minor explosion of chips, small pink and blue pegs, and other game paraphernalia. Most of the members of the organization were now in the room, all eyes focused on Hidan. He couldn't have been happier.
Konan simply shook her head, sitting the basket down. "Hidan, the store is called-…"
The albino shot Konan a glare, silencing her. "Are you taking the name of Jashin in vain?"
"What?" She shrank back, rather offset. By this point, even patient, kind Konan was beginning to grow upset.
"That's what I fucking thought, bitch!" He picked up the box and slammed it down again, making even more of a mess of it, though the childish, immature smile that spread across his handsome face radiated an essence of joy. He reached for the box again and his leader's pasty whipped it's way through the air and popped Hidan's hand with an audible smack.
"Enough, Hidan." Pein scowled, then slowly removed said lid, looking at the contents. Everyone leaned in carefully, eyeing the various things inside. Tobi, being the bravest of them, reached in, grabbed the folded board, and proceeded to make an interesting hat of it.
"No, stupid fucker!" Hidan snatched it and flung the box off the table with a smack of his arm in order to make room for his board. He neatly placed it on the table, unfolded, and smiled, proud of himself. "It goes like this, cocksucker."
"Is that…" Kakuzu had been dozing in his recliner, successfully being the only one not interested in Hidan's purchase. He sat up straight, watching the colored slips of paper float and twist in the air as the result of Hidan flinging the box across the room. "Was that box full of…money?"
"It's not real money, you must be bli-…" Sasori paused and covered his mouth, turning towards Itachi. The young but sightless Uchiha turned away, pouting at the wall so the others wouldn't see.
"Hey. HAY! All you fuckers need to go bring the game to me. No, wait, I want the bitch to do it!" Hidan called the attention back towards himself.
"I've had enough of your mouth, you obnoxious zealot!" Konan brought her hands together, preparing to give the Jashinist the worst series of paper-cuts he'd ever experienced.
"Shut the fuck up! Not YOU, the OTHER slut!" Hidan waved a hand in Deidara's direction, causing the younger male to let out an offended squawk.
"I'm not a woman, un!" Deidara growled, though he was already crossing the room, gathering the pieces.
Hidan waited for his errand to be completed. He was quiet for about four seconds before uttering "hey, Zessu!"
"Who?" Pein asked.
"I'm fucking calling you, Zessu!"
"What is he saying?" Sasori grumbled.
"ZESSU!"
"Zetsu?" Kisame rubbed his head, turning to Itachi, who shrugged.
"ZESSU!" Hidan was screeching by now, banging his hands against the table. "QUICK IGNORING ME, MAN!"
"You aren't… talking to me, are you?" Zetsu's darker half growled, crossing his arms. The pale one let out a chuckle, patting him on the head.
"Forgive him, he can't help the fact that he's completely retarded!" He gave a toothy grin to his dark side, who gave a grunt in return.
"Zessu, I fucking said Zessu! So I'm talking to YOU, Zessu!" Hidan pointed in the dark half's face.
"No, Hidan, you useless buffoon… Zet-T-T, with a T. Ze-Tuh-su." He spoke slowly so that the must less intelligent male could properly understand.
"Zest…uh… su." Hidan shook his head, then slammed his fist on the table. "Hey, plant cannibal fucker guy!"
"Works just as well." He shrugged. "What the hell do you want, Hidan?"
"Fucking play this fucking game with me!" Hidan shouted, reaching into the box of the pieces Deidara had gathered. "You pick a fucking car, either baby-ass blue or shitty pink if you're a pussy, and you like… live your fucking life your way."
"Sounds like a complete and utter waste of time."
"Smart guy words fuck them… Kisame! Itachi! Sasori! Leader! COCK-uh-ZOO! And uh… fuck, I keep forgetting your name…" he pointed to the young blonde.
"My name is Deida-…"
"Fuckdara!" Hidan grabbed a car and slammed it onto the starting point. "If we have to fucking race, I race in the name of Lord Jashin!"
Everyone gathered and picked a car, then placed it onto START. Then they proceeded to place their colored pegs in; these pegs represented themselves. Zetsu had two.
"Hey, Zetsu's cheating!" Sasori pointed. "He's got a spouse already!"
"No... I just couldn't decide if I wanted to be pink or blue." He growled, highly annoyed with himself.
"well, you are a male…" Pein began. "…Since that is the case, you should surely go with blue."
"Well, that's what I thought at first, but then I thought 'that's so cliché', and then…"
"I picked blue because I am blue!" Kisame gave a cheerful shout.
"Shut up no one loves you." Itachi snapped. "So we… spin the spinner? It says in the instructions…"
"Blind people cant fucking read!" Hidan screamed.
Once again Itachi turned away to pout in the privacy of a shady corner of the living room. However, even without him, the game went on.
"THE OLDEST GOES FIRST SO I FUCKING GO!" Hidan reached for the spinner, but Pein swatter his hand away.
"Hidan, you're barely older than Deidara." The leader sighed. "Let's see… it's between Kakuzu, Tobi… and… Zetsu, how old are you? God, WHAT are you? When I see you, I just… I UNDERSTAND NOTHING!'" He shook his fists at the ceiling in exasperation.
"Thanks, ah, Leader-sama…" The pale one responded sheepishly.
"And why are you TWO people? You're insanely bipolar! Was Jack Nicholson your grandfather? Do you pollinate?" Pein rambled.
The pale side joined Itachi in the corner, sulking alongside the blind Uchiha. His dark side, however, was not about to take an insult lying down.
"You know what? At least I'm not a zombie!"
"At least women are attracted to me!" Pein scoffed. Konan poked her fingers together, a tiny smile passing her lips.
"Yeah? Well that's called NECROPHELIA!" Zetsu hissed.
"Isn't that where you come in?" The leader chuckled and cocked his head; he had won that round.
"Fuck this shit. Fuck all this SHIT! I don't want you guys touching my game anymore. It's my FUCKING SPINNER!" Hidan suddenly screamed, wrenching the plastic decision maker from the board and tucking it in his robe. He gave an insane laugh and whipped out his scythe, imbedding it into the board. "You can all go to fucking hell!... which is where you'll end up if you don't sacrifice yourself to Jashin as your personal god." With those words, he stormed away, a flurry of paper money flittering in his wake.
A/N- So what do you think? Read and review! Should I make more chapters of Akatsuki crack? I know it's so overdone…