... for Ami ... I hope you like it ... Merry Christmas, love :)

Trigger Warning:

This is rather dark and twisty;

featuring torture, violence, mental health issues as well as bits and pieces of suicide!

We clawed, we chained (our hearts in vain)

Sirius forcefully closed his brown his. The sound of a hand being slapped against a cheek the agonizing scream that followed only seconds after still echoed in his ears.

His hands were shaking, and he tried his best not to drop the silver tray he was holding. The many sterile instruments that were neatly placed upon it reflected the dazzling light coming from the ceiling above.

"Scalpel."

Sirius heart skipped a beat when the Dark Lord moved towards him; his black eyes scanned slowly over the tray of medical equipment before he used his bony fingers to select the scalpel that suited him most for his next experiment. In exchange, he laid down the knife he had previously used, and Sirius watched the remains of crimson blood dropping from it.

"Clean it," Voldemort ordered almost casually, and Sirius quickly brushed it against the fabric of his white scrubs – the night was young, and at this point he couldn't care less about how dirty his working clothes were.

Quietly, he watched as the Dark Lord turned around once again to focus his attention back on the young woman that was crouched down in front of them. Her gown was widespread across the room and Sirius saw that her fragile, naked body trembled; her arms were wrapped around her knees in an embryo-like position and tears streamed from her emerald eyes like rivers.

Sirius noticed the sparkle in the Dark Lord's eyes, the way his lips formed into a bright smile and his tongue brushed over his teeth in delight.

Only seconds later, blood sloshed from a newly formed wound through the room right onto Sirius's white scrubs; he even felt some sprays covering his face and he tried to resist the urge to vomit right here and there.

Soon, another one of Lily's screams broke through the otherwise silent night before the excruciating pain caused her to finally pass out.

The Dark Lord didn't seem very pleased and he gave an exaggerated sigh. Sirius flinched when he kicked the unconscious Lily one last time before Voldemort wordlessly scribbled down something in the little book of his.

Then, without another word or glance, he exited the room with his cloak blowing after him.

Before the thick, large oak doors shut behind him, the monster stuck his head through it one more time.

"Clean up that mess and bring it back in the cell."

Sirius swallowed hard and nodded. He knew better than to resist a direct order, even though the mere thought of Lily being de-personified as 'it' made Sirius boil with anger. Being treated as less than a human being was one thing, but enduring the Dark Lord's torture – mentally and physically – was another.

Ever since the war was lost, Voldemort's power rose to an infinite maximum. Purebloods – like Sirius himself – that once fought on the light side were given the honor of serving the Dark Lord and his allegiance. And even though Sirius hated his life as a servant – and the leg-irons that prevented him from doing any magic - he knew that other's were not so lucky.

Half-bloods and mudbloods were put in newly build facilities, and whenever he felt like it, the Dark Lord used them to experiment on new torture methods. Spells, curses, potions, poisons and even sometimes medieval muggle instruments came into play. The more pain the better.

Women – especially of lower blood status – were his favourite toys.

The sight of Lily, a once so strong and fierce witch lying broken bleeding on the floor made his heart shatter into a million pieces.

It just wasn't fair! First, James's parents got killed, then their little family is hunted and on the run. But the final straw, that was necessary to overwhelm the light side, was the murder of his godson Harry. He was a little boy, for Merlin's Sake! But at the same time, he was the only hope the fighters had left, and when the message of Harry's death circulated amongst them, the small flicker of light they had been holding on to slowly extinguished. Death Eaters approached from all sides; captured, killed, tortured everyone that stood in their way.

The fear that floated in the air was gradually suffocating all of them. They skies were grey and covered with clouds, the sun only re-surfaced every now and then and even the nights were starless.

Where once his life was filled with laughter, happiness and love, all that was left now was fear, loneliness and pain. So much pain.

Lily's agonizing screams brought him back to the present and he shoved back the sleeves of his scrubs and closed the distance between them.

He bent down on his knees, reached out and touched her shoulder ever-so-gently. But even this small gesture caused her jump up in fear. She twisted around on the ground, stretched out her trembling arms in a self-defensive gesture and sucked in a hitched breath.

"Lily," Sirius whispered desperately and sat down next to her, "it's me, Sirius."

Her head moved upwards like in slow-motion. Her red, by now dirty and dull hair, fell over her face and shoulders, but when he caught a glimpse of her eyes, Sirius swallowed hard. She looked positively haunted.

Haunted by being trapped in a living nightmare with no sight of waking up any time soon.

"Lily," he spoke and reached out once more, "I'm not going to hurt you."

She shook her head vehemently as he touched her.

"No. No. No," Lily screamed over and over again and covered her eyes with her hands. Then she started kicking and scratching and biting.

Sighing, Sirius tried to calm her down. He knew that the amount of torture spells she had already been put under had left their marks. In her traumatised state, every approaching man seemed to put her in distress.

'No wonder,' Sirius thought bitterly as he managed to throw a piece of her rippled night gown over her body. 'Everyone else who's been put through the same is already dead. At least she fights.'

"Stop. Stop. Stop," Lily hissed and scratched him on the cheek.

Blood spilled from the small wound, but Sirius only brushed his hands through his brown curls and took a deep breath.

Then, in a quick movement, he grabbed both her wrists and turned his friend around; the front of her body now facing the blood-covered ground.

The excruciating sound she gave was pulling on Sirius' heart, and it pained him greatly to use such force on her, but he also knew that when the Dark Lord would return unexpectedly and see them still in the room, Lily would have to endure another round of torture. And he cared too much for her to ever let that happen.

Tears started to spill from Lily's green eyes, and when Sirius picked her up in a swift movement, she hammered her fists against his chest.

Whispering words of calming nonsense into her ear, the young man tightened his strong arms around her legs and back, then carried her back to her cell.

.x.X.x.

"How's she doing?"

Sirius sighed. He thought about what happened a couple of days earlier… how Lily's exhaustion got the better of her, how she had put her skinny arms around his neck as he carried her, how she had cried when he put her down on the bed in her cell an how she had looked at him with her vibrant, tear-filled green eyes and begged him to stay with her.

Physically, her body was getting weaker and weaker with each passing day. So far, Sirius was under the impression that this was all, but now… Lily wasn't only fighting a battle with her body, but also with her mind. She had trouble trusting people, changed her mind rapidly within seconds and started talking to herself in an isolated chamber.

"She's a fighter," Sirius eventually replied, sipped on his drink and watched as his best friend mirrored his actions.

"I went by her cell yesterday," James mumbled; his voice already slurring from the amount of alcohol he had consumed. "One moment, she screams bloody murder at me, then, like something clicked inside of her head, she starts crying and apologizing, telling me how much she loves me."

'I love you, Siri'

Lily's carefully whispered words still echoed in Sirius' mind. He recalled the chaste, but passionate kiss the red-head had given him and he remembered how he had responded to the kiss; equally fierce and without hesitation.

The guilt, that now re-surfaced every time he visited James almost killed him.

"I don't know what's real anymore, Padfoot," James cursed and threw the bottle of whiskey against the wall; balling his hands into fists as its contents flowed to the dirty ground.

Then, in an act of desperation, he punched his hand right into the broken glass and winced when the pain hit him with unexpected force.

Closing his blue eyes, James leaned against the whiskey-covered wall and when his knees gave in, he slid down and crashed against the ground with a loud bang.

Almost reluctantly, as if he had given up, James picked up one of the shards and tried to cut through his leg-shackle – though like the million times he had tried it before, it didn't move an inch.

Sirius sighed again, got up, ripped apart a rag from his gown and wrapped it around his friend's fist. The though of his hand against James sent chills down his spine and when he was about to draw it back, James held on to it.

The young Black raised an eyebrow at his longtime-friend, who in return only shrugged.

"Stay," James simply said, and Sirius stayed; his body leaned against James' and Sirius' head resting in the crook of his neck.

.x.X.x.

In. Out. In. Out. In. Out.

Lily held on for a moment. Her hand hurt. It was red. Bloody. As were the iron bars guarding her cell. She tried it again.

In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In.

Her hand was stuck right in the middle of the two bars. Her skin already ruptured. Covered by scars. The lock still didn't move.

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

She banged her head against the hard metal.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

She tugged on the chain around her leg again and again. Nothing changed. She tugged at her hair; tore out a red strand.

Red. Red. Red.

She shook her head vehemently. More hair fell down.

Her eyes widened in fear. She covered her face with her hands. Crying.

.x.X.x.

Sirius held her gently in his arms and slowly washed her blood-covered face with a wet cloth.

"So sorry, so sorry, so sorry, Siri," Lily mumbled and looked at him with teary green eyes.

"It's alright," he whispered into his ear. It wasn't the first time he had found her in such a state and it probably wouldn't be the last.

He sat on her bed, leaned back against the wall with her and tried his best to suppress a yawn.

He couldn't risk that one of the Death Eaters found his friend like this – so he walked by her cell as often as he could and in a steady rhythm.

The lack of sleep, however, started to take its toll on him; his senses were dull, he had bags under his eyes and he had lost weight.

But he didn't care. As long as it would protect Lily, he ignored the signs his body was giving him.

Lost in thoughts, he brushed his long fingers through her red hair.

She looked so small in his arms; curled up against his chest like a little kitten, her eyes wide and open, but fixed at a point somewhere in the distance.

"Lily hurt," the young woman whispered after a while and tears fell from her eyes.

"I know, Lils," Sirius replied softly, and pulled her closer against his body. He felt her ribs through the thin fabric of her gown, and how her fragile body trembled with every breath she took.

"Thank you, Padfoot," Lily mumbled and snuggled closer against him; her small, wounded hand somehow slipping into Sirius' before she drifted off to sleep.

Whenever she called him by his nickname, Sirius had hope that something of the 'old' Lily was still somewhere inside of her.

Wordlessly, he brushed another strand of red hair out of her face, then bent down to give her a feathery light kiss on the cheek.

To his surprise, Lily moved her head just in time for his lips to meet hers. Her eyes opened immediately; a vibrant, clear green without any sign of confusion in it.

"Again," was all she said as she chained her arms around his neck, pushed herself up so that their lips were only mere inches apart.

Sirius knew he shouldn't, but the way she looked at him made him weak and despite his better judgement, he kissed her again. And again. And again.

.x.X.x.

"What the bloody hell were you thinking?" Sirius hissed, and anger was blazing in his brown eyes.

James, steadily pressing an old rag against the heavily bleeding wound on his forehead, winced.

Sirius, still furious, took a step closer. "He could have killed you!"

Where once pain was written in his blue eyes, it was now replaced by indifference and coldness. "Yeah, so what? Don't think death can be worse than this."

The curly-haired man threw his hands up in the air in a gesture of pure desperation.

He wanted nothing more but to scream at James about how careless he had been by trying to trick the Dark Lord and how such a serious topic was nothing to joke about. But deep down, Sirius couldn't quite bring himself to speak out the words aloud.

'That's because you know James is right' he thought reluctantly. Then he got rid of his shirt, poured some water on it and pressed it against James' wound as well.

For a moment, the two friends just sat next to each other in complete silence.

"I don't know what I would do without you, Prongs," Sirius finally admitted; his head facing the ground.

He felt James move next to him and when their hands touched, his heart started to beat faster. He had no control over it, so he just swallowed.

"You'd still have Lily."

.x.X.x.

Sirius walked along the disserted corridors of the asylum. He didn't know for how long he had been walking, but the small candle he had taken with him was by now extinguished.

Yesterday's conversation with James was still burned into his head.

At first, he pretended not to know what his friend was hinting at. But soon, James got him to admit the truth. A truth, Sirius never thought he's ever speak out aloud.

His feelings. For Lily.

And for James.

"I'll try to get out of this place, Padfoot," James had said quietly, "and I need your word that you take care of Lily."

Sirius stared at him, speechless. He turned his head to face his friend; too stunned to speak out.

"I care for you, Padfoot. For both of you," James admitted, "a lot more than I'm supposed to."

The whirlwind of feelings that was raging inside of him and the confusion that came along with it almost got the better of him; but when James reached out and brushed his lips hard against his, Sirius knew that he hadn't imagined things and he responded the kiss as fiercely as he could. Soon, clothes were torn off and thrown carelessly around the room until both their bodies were tightly pressed together underneath a dusty blanket.

Hours later, when Sirius woke up with James arms wrapped around his naked body, he kissed him good-bye and slipped out of his room. They couldn't risk being caught after all.

His thoughts kept jumping from James to Lily and from her to him.

He had no idea what to think of it, b ut one sentence that James had uttered earlier was still stuck in his head, and he couldn't quite stop thinking about it.

"This isn't what life is supposed to be like, Sirius," James mumbled and hit his fist against the wall. "We're servants, and Lily is tortured. True, we're alive, but we'll never be free."

.x.X.x.

"Siri! Where are we going?" Lily giggled like crazy.

She was scooped up in his arms and Sirius ran as fast as he could; hoping with all his might that the three little bottles in the pocket of his shirt wouldn't break.

With one last look over his shoulder, he made sure that no Death Eater was following them, ignored the ringing of the alarm bells and pushed the door to James room open.

He was lying on top of his bed; staring at the ceiling.

He looked up immedieatly, but lowered his hands soon after seeing who had entered his chambers.

His blue eyes sparkled when he saw both Sirius and Lily was something the other wizard hadn't seen since before the loss of the war.

"Not that I'm not happy to see you but – "

Lily interrupted him. "Jamie!" she squealed and dropped out of Sirius' arms to ran straight into James' arms.

He kissed her lovingly, and held her close; then looked at his friend.

"What's going on here, Padfoot?"

Sirius took a deep breath, stared at both James and Lily and the love that was written in his eyes made James swallow hard. Lily, with her mind more clouded than ever, just laughed like a little girl.

"I thought about what you said," he explained slowly and sat down on the bed next to his lovers.

James looked at him questioning. "And?"

"You're right."

"Jamie is always right," Lily sang happily and kissed both men.

Sirius swallowed. "There's only one way to be truly free," he mumbled and retrieved the three little bottles from his shirt and handed one to each of his lovers.

Lily giggled happily, and James stared at it with a mixture of hope, disgust, fear and relief.

"Are you sure about this, Padfoot?"

Sirius took a deep breath. "I kidnapped Lily from her cell, so we can be together. All three of us. For one last time."

"The Death Eaters are coming for us?"

He nodded. "It will only be a matter of time now."

James gave a tiny, but honest smile. "Then let's don't waste any more time. How long does it take until the poison will take effect?"

Sirius opened all the bottles before he downed his own in one go. "A couple of minutes."

James nodded, downed own and helped Lily with hers. To both men's surprise, they watched as her green eyes cleared up.

"It's a relief," she whispered, being granted the gift of being in her right mind for the last minutes of her life.

This said, Sirius embraced both, and savoured the feeling of their lips and bodies against his.

Then his world turned black.