Bella, determined to live free of betrayal and destruction, escapes to Forks, Wa in order to pick up the pieces of her shattered identity. Yet, forces beyond Bella's control keep her constantly on guard and under pressure. Canon pairings. Bella OOC...
A/N: Thank you for joining me and Stephanie Meyer's characters on this journey. It's been a rather long time since I posted any of my work on ff, and I would greatly appreciate the support of my audience. Read and review often, and bear with me as I process my chapters and share them with you all. Again, thanks for at least checking out this story; I hope you enjoy your experience.
Disclaimer: All references to the Twilight series belong completely and unequivocally to Stephanie Meyer. I just enjoy changing things up a bit!
"The second revelation came as I sat at the bar in morose solitude, pondering the cantilevered relationship between bartenders' gut and lower extremities, and this is important, so pay attention: before the big bang, before time itself, before matter, energy, velocity, there existed a single immeasurable state called yearning. This is the special force that on the day before days obliterated nothing into everything. It is the unseen strings tying planets to stars. It is the maddening want we feel from first breath to last light."
-In Plain Sight
Chapter One
My father could not live in a sleepier town in a more dreary location if he tried. Forks, Washington was not London, and I felt acutely homesick as I made my way down to the kitchen to make my breakfast. Were it not for the fact that I had exiled myself to this town, I would be kicking and screaming, but I am here of my own volition. Who am I to lament my situation when it's self-inflicted? Charlie, my father, had left already for the police station. He was Chief Swan to the fine residents of Forks, and while I couldn't fathom what he must do all day, he seemed to take his job very seriously.
I grabbed a granola bar and a swig of milk as I rushed out the door. I was running late, and I didn't want to look poorly on my first day of school. I still had not gotten used to the constant rain which kept me up at night until I finally fell asleep from exhaustion, though most people consider London dreary and damp. Thus I tried, in vain, to ignore my alarm clock, slapping the snooze button one too many times. I climbed into my gun-barrel gray Land Rover LR4, shoving the rest of the granola bar into my mouth. The drive was quick and too soon I found myself in front of my new school. I got out, noticing the looks the others were giving me, she must be the new girl they were probably thinking. I walked over to the administrative building, knowledgeable about the layout already. I had met with the principle and all my teachers last week, because of my handicap. Everyone except Mr. Varner seemed accommodating.
I walked inside, trying to shake off the light mist that covered my black raincoat already. I waited for Ms. Cope, the receptionist to take notice of me. Once she did, she beamed at me, speaking in what may have been a booming voice, except I was completely deaf to it. It made me laugh internally, knowing that no matter how loud she got, I would never have to stand listening to her. Reading her lips, I understood that I was clear to go about my day, but she asked that I come back at the end to report any issues or concerns. I thanked her and walked back out to the parking lot, grabbing my things for the day. I sincerely hope there are no issues, I prayed as I made my way to my first class.
English was generally uneventful, with the exception of my first few moments in class. I had walked in, unsure of what to do as everyone took their seats, when someone ran into me. Instead of falling straight onto my face as trajectory had determined, I crouched and rolled out of it, landing cleanly on my feet. I faced the class, and everyone was staring. Great, as if I wasn't a big enough topic of discussion already I thought. I turned to Mr. Barty sheepishly, embarrassed and upset that my classmates couldn't watch where they were going.
"Ms. Swan, that was remarkable. Why don't you introduce yourself to the class." That is precisely the response I did not want. I composed myself as I turned back around, it's going to be okay I reminded myself.
"Hello, my name is Bella Bona- I mean Swan." There, I did it. Mr. Barty pointed out a seat in the middle of class that was vacant, and asked that I take my seat. I did so, trying in vain to disappear. Everyone blatantly stared at me throughout class, and only at the end did anyone get the guts to approach me. Angela Webber became my first friend in this god-forsaken town.
She tapped me on my shoulder, grabbing my attention. "Hi, my name is Angela. You're Isabella, right?" Why did she ask me my name when I already introduced...you know what it doesn't matter.
"Bella," I corrected. "It's nice to meet you Angela." I smiled as best I could, trying to be cordial.
"What is your next class?" she asked.
"Math," I responded.
"If you like I could show you where your class is? It's on the way to mine," Angela qualified.
I thought to brush her off, but decided against it. Angela was just trying to be nice, after all. "That would be great. Thanks," I said. We made our way over to the next building, the rain had picked up significantly, and we walking silently side by side. Once the next building's door came into view, I turned to Angela to get her to stop. "I think I can get it from here. Thanks again," I said.
"It's no problem. I just wanted to ask, are you really deaf?" Here come the questions, I thought.
"Yes, but I try my hardest to act normal." I was honest and blatant, hoping I could get Angela's' support.
"How do you plan on doing that?" she asked.
"I've spent every day since I lost my hearing learning to read lips and paying additional attention to my surroundings. Believe me when I say it helps." I looked at my watch, realizing just how close we both were to being late. "I don't think it would do well for either of us to be tardy," I said as I looked back up. Angela nodded brightly and started toward her class after saying goodbye. I continued on to mine as well, finding it and my seat with no compunction this time. Thankfully Mr. Varner did not request I introduce myself, but rather stood at the front of the class robotically explaining the concepts we were going to cover next in the course.
Mr. Varner had been the least accommodating when I had met with all the teachers the week before. He apparently taught the entire class with his back turned, writing on the dry erase board while he spoke. He was not accustomed to facing the class, which in turn made him rather upset. Yet, because of my disability, I had requested that all my teachers face the class as much as possible, so that I wouldn't miss any key lessons. Mr. Varner had nearly walked out of the meeting when I said this, scoffing at the idea that a student could dictate his teaching style. I made a point to show Mr. Varner and the others that I was willing and able to go to the school board regarding my simple request should anyone have issue with it.
It was a shame our relationship had to begin on such rocky circumstances. I was bluffing, of course, but they didn't know that. Mr. Greene, the principle, had pulled Mr. Varner out of his office after I pronounced my intent to go to the school board, and when they returned, Mr. Varner was reticent. Now, as he stood in front of his students, he glared at me as if I were doing him great injury. He inched closer to the board until his back was practically touching it and finally broke down, turning around and picking up a marker. I shook my head as he worked furiously on the board, his writing my only link to his teaching.
When class had ended, another student, Eric Yorkie, introduced himself in much the same manner as Angela had. I imagined him as a dog, obediently following me to my next class, government. Yet, it was completely different this time, as Eric tried to keep up a steady breath of conversation. I could read lips, but I could not walk and read lips. He must have gotten frustrated at my lack of response because he stopped me just outside my next class.
"Are you okay? Did I say something to upset you?" he asked.
The question became whether or not to tell him of my disability. It did not appear that he was aware, so I could just play it off as worrying about homework or something like that. "No, you didn't say anything to upset me," I started. "I was just thinking about my next class, I'm sorry if I seemed distant," I finished. Play it off. In my previous life, I had everyone trained to not speak while we walked, and to grab my attention somehow before beginning. It appeared I would have to do the same here, but I only hoped I could be more subtle than in my previous life.
"Oh, okay. That's cool. Well, we're here," he indicated pointing to the door where my next teacher, Mr. Jefferson stood in the doorway.
"Thanks Eric," I said.
"You're welcome," he intoned before he walked in the other direction. Again the image of a dog came to mind, and I shook my head, trying to dislodge the less than flattering description from my brain. Mr. Jefferson was kind to me, allowing me to sit on the side of the class toward the back, and not forcing me to introduce myself. I paid attention throughout class, never taking any notes, just absorbing what he said. It had occurred to me years ago that I could recall minute details from conversations and books that I read, which came into good use when I lost my hearing.
I was eight when the oncologist diagnosed my leukemia, and right before my 9th birthday I woke up one day completely deaf. I was terrified, but they soon discovered why I suddenly lost my hearing. The tumor had affected that part of my brain, and while I was in remission now for six years, my ability to hear never returned. I practiced with a speech therapist, learning to read lips and sign language, until I was proficient in both. I believe my ability to recall conversations well helped me master both skills. Now my instant recall came into use when I had to look up at the teacher constantly to catch every phrase he or she said. It eliminated any note taking on my part, allowing me full access to the lessons being taught. I imagine had my life been different, I would be in college right now, but such is life, right?
This time, a classmate from my first period approached me after class was released. Mike Newton was perhaps the most puppy dog-like, similar to a golden retriever, as he graciously asked if I needed assistance to my next class. Since I had not turned the first two interlocutors down, I had no basis to do so now. Mike spoke to me as we walked, but he seemed more aware, trying his best to face me while we made our way to my Spanish class. He stopped, like the others, just before we reached the classroom door.
"Hey, I know that you're new to this town and all, but I am putting together a trip to La Push at some point this semester. Would you be interested?" I could almost see his wagging tail as he asked me.
"Sure, what's La Push?" I asked.
"It's the Quileute Reservation, there's ocean access there." Ah, the ocean, now I remembered. Charlie had told me about it, but he was still unaccustomed to my disability, and I missed more than half the conversation that night.
"Sounds lovely," I said.
"Great, well I'll let you know more once the weather starts to warm up," he said before leaving to head to his next class. Spanish was the worst, by far, for the teacher asked me to introduce myself in front of the class, speaking only Spanish. When I was done sharing my name, she continued asking me questions in Spanish, no doubt testing my skill level, but it was embarrassing still. Finally the inquisition ended, and she sent me to sit next to a girl I recognized from English class, Jessica Stanley. It seemed that she had gained some courage over the last two periods, because she tried to start a conversation with me.
I looked at her and smiled before whispering, "We have lunch next right?"
"Yes," she responded.
"I would love to talk to you then, but I need to pay attention now," I said, praying she wouldn't think I was blowing her off.
"Oh, OK," she said, slightly baffled that I would want to participate in class. We both turned to the front, and Jessica started taking notes as I paid close attention to what the teacher said. It was harder, reading lips in another language, but not impossible. When our class was released, Jessica got up without so much as a look at me, and I knew I had upset her.
I grabbed her arm, and she turned to look at me. "I'm sorry," I began. Almost all the students had left, leaving a few stragglers at the front. I was confident they could not hear me. "I'm deaf," I deadpanned. "I can read lips, but it requires all my concentration." I hoped this would make sense, easing any tension that had built up over class.
"Right!" Jessica exclaimed. "I totally forgot, you seem so...is normal a good word?"
"Yes, it is. That's what I strive for. I just want to be treated the same as everyone else, you know?" Again I was working to persuade a student to keep my disability on the down low.
"Of course! That's cool. I totally understand," she said. Obviously I thought. What is it every teenager wants, to be understood. We made our way to the cafeteria, Jessica clearly making every effort to not speak while we walked. I appreciated her consideration, and soon we were in line to get our lunches. I noticed everyone was staring at me, again. Perhaps news of my Jedi skills had spread already, or maybe I was just fresh meat that needed to be examined. Once we had lunch in hand, Jessica and I were hailed down by Mike Newton, my golden retriever from earlier. Jessica seemed overly excited to be sitting with Mike, which made me wonder, does she have a crush on him?
As eyes started drifting away from me, I began to examine the other students. It was clear that our school was small, as this lunch period held half the student body. Yet, nothing seemed to catch my interest until I laid eyes on them. Their ethereal beauty and undeniable grace struck me like a ton of bricks, yet they all seemed oddly familiar. "Who are they?" I asked Jessica. I gave her my full attention.
"Oh, they're the Cullens and the Hales. The two blondes are twins, Jasper and Rosalie Hale, and the others are Emmett, Alice, and Edward Cullen." Rosalie and Jasper sat next to each other at the table, while the other three sat on the other side. I could easily enough find a resemblance between the twins, but I could not find any matching characteristics amongst the others. How odd I thought. "They're all adopted," Jessica continued. Suddenly their relationship made sense. The Cullens must be unrelated to one another.
"Who would adopt five teenagers?" I thought aloud.
"Dr. Carlisle Cullen and his wife," Jessica said. "They're both really young themselves. Dr. Cullen works at the hospital," Jessica added.
"That's awfully generous of them," I said, my gaze switching between the strange family and Jessica.
"Mrs. Cullen can't have kids, apparently," Jessica said this as if it made their philanthropic methods less honorable. "The Hale twins are her niece and nephew, the others they adopted from the system," Jessica explained further. I looked back to the others, and noticed the copper-headed boy speaking very quickly, almost too quickly for me to follow. I couldn't believe it as he recounted my conversation with Jessica! Unless I wasn't seeing things clearly, I thought. I decided to test them a bit.
"Who's the one sitting at the end? The boy with the penny colored hair?" I asked. I noticed that the boy looked up at us before Jessica answered.
"Edward, but it's not worth it," Jessica replied. I noticed Edward's lip quirk upwards just slightly.
"What's not worth it?" I asked. I was completely lost with Jessica's response.
"He doesn't date, apparently no one is good enough for him," Jessica said. I looked back in time to see Edward repeat what Jessica had just said. His frame shook as he did so, is he laughing I wondered.
"What if he's gay?" I asked in all honesty. This question got his attention. Edward whipped his head around and stared directly at me. The look in his eyes perplexed me, was he upset? Then he crinkled his eyes in confusion, stumped by something. I continued to look at him until Jessica tapped my shoulder. I returned my focus to her, first noticing the awe and then the hurt in her eyes. Her reaction affected me, stirring pity in its sorrow. Had Edward Cullen burned her already?
"He was looking directly at you," she said. I imagine her response was in a whisper since she leaned in closer, instinctively.
"I am the new girl who wiped out in first period," I reminded Jessica. She was not satisfied with that answer though. Yet before she could try and analyze the potential implications of Edward's glance, I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. Looking to its source, I saw the small one with inky black hair get up and walk, well more like dance, to the trash can where she disposed her entire uneaten lunch. I looked back at their table, and saw Edward looking at me expectantly. Yet, the others started to move just then, and his attention was drawn away from me. I watched as each left the cafeteria before returning my gaze back to Jessica.
"I think he's attracted to you," she pronounced.
"I highly doubt that," I responded. He looked confused, not interested in me. The bell rang, which I felt through the soles of my shoes. I got up unenthusiastically, a pang of desire shooting through me to continue staring at the beautiful creature that had captivated me throughout lunch. Regardless, I made my way to Biology, golden retriever in tow. Apparently Mike had the same class as me, Joy!
"So I already have a lab partner otherwise I would ask you to be mine," Mike said as we closed in on the biology lab.
"That's fine, I understand," I said, silently thanking God for not pairing me up with the golden retriever. We walked the rest of the way inside, and immediately I saw Edward. There was a fan trained on the class in the corner of the room, and stepping in its path, I watched as his eyes turned pitch black, his features becoming statuesque. I had seen this before, but I couldn't understand why he looked at me as if I were the Antichrist. I turned my back on him, aware of Edward's eyes trained on me. I stepped over to Mr. Banner's desk to address him. "Good afternoon Mr. Banner," I said. He was my favorite teacher from my meeting, for he seemed most eager to help me adjust.
"Good afternoon indeed. I only have one open seat in this class, so you will need to pair up with Edward," he said. Suddenly I felt the pit of my stomach drop below my knees. He looked ready to kill me I thought as I smiled at Mr. Banner and made my way over to the lab stool next to him. I tried my best to move slowly, but it seemed that every step I took heightened Edward's reaction to me. Finally I was seated next to him, and it occurred to me. Nothing I can do will save me, Edward is in control. I breathed in, slowly releasing it along with my fear. I saw Edward's head move infinitesimally, perhaps in reaction to my heart rate slowing down.
I decided to go for broke, "Hello." I spoke quietly, but I looked at him for any response. He did nothing. He said nothing. It seemed as if it took every ounce of control he had to stay seated. I turned back to the front, dutifully listening to Mr. Banner lecture. It was hard to concentrate, every time I stole a glance at Edward my heart rate would pick up again. I knew he could hear my reactions to him, but I would force my heart rate down nonetheless. By the end of class, the tension was palatable, and Edward darted quickly out of his seat and through the door when the bell rang.
"What you do to Edward?" Mike asked as he came around my table. "It looked like you stabbed him with your pencil or something."
"No, though the thought may have crossed my mind," I said. I was kicking myself mentally, for it wasn't Edward's terrifying reaction to me that had me constantly looking at him, but rather his beauty. I could not afford to form attachments, not when I had so many other things to focus on. My stay in Forks was a limited, and I had every intention of high-tailing it out of there as soon as I graduated high school. There were events that were inevitable in my life, and I wanted to be as far away from my father as was humanly possible. I needed to protect him from my downfall.
"I'm sorry you have to be his lab partner," Mike consoled. "What's your last class?" He changed topics so rapidly I had to think for a moment.
"Phys ed," I said. I was dreading this class the most, because Coach Clapp had to bend her rules for me, something I wish I didn't have to request. When I was 12, just on the eve of my 13th birthday, I was taken. My mother and I had been on holiday in Nigeria, feeding the poor and helping to build a hospital. One night, I was kidnapped from my hotel room, and it would be six months before I would see a friendly face. I survived out of spite, I was positive, for no normal human could sustain wounds like I had. My life appeared to be one grand drama after another, fate never allowing the noose around my neck to slacken as he found new and inventive ways to try and kill me. With my tumor and then my abduction, I learned that everything I experienced could potentially become my next near death experience. I could almost laugh at the hilarity my story invoked, the pure satire God was forming in one tiny individual.
However, the scars, real as were my experiences, still scared me when I caught myself in the mirror. I hated to think about the reactions from my fellow students, which is why I had asked Coach Clapp to allow me to dress in sweats and a long sleeved t-shirt instead of the standard shorts and short sleeved t-shirt. During the meeting before the start of school, it had appeared Coach Clapp would not allow me to 'dress down' as she called it. After pulling off my blazer and button-up shirt, leaving me in a tank top and dark skinny jeans, my point became exceedingly clear. The principle looked god-smacked as I redressed and told me that I could wear whatever I needed to in order to feel comfortable in gym. Coach Clapp appeared mollified that her authority had been usurped, but she also seemed near tears every time she looked at me from that point forward.
I walked into the girl's locker room, making a beeline for the bathroom stalls. Once I relieved myself, I quickly changed into the clothing I purchased at Coach Clapp's instruction. Some of the girls gave me a funny look when I exited, but otherwise didn't respond. We came out to the gym, and Coach Clap began demonstrating the sport we were going to learn first, volleyball. I breathed a sigh of relief as we sat on the bleachers watching Coach Clapp. I was capable of saving myself from an attack, but I was unequipped to play team sports. I was spared any embarrassment for at least one day, and my final class ended quickly. Thank God.
After class, I changed discreetly in a shower stall, and slipped out of the locker room. I walked over to the administrative building as Ms. Cope had instructed and stepped inside. Immediately I had the strong desire to leave, for standing at the desk was none other than Edward Cullen. He appeared to be in an argument with her. I watched as he requested she move him to any Biology class other than the one he was currently in. Ms. Cope apologized, but said that all the classes were already filled to capacity. It appeared that Edward was unaccustomed to rejection as he made every attempt to change the circumstances.
The door abruptly opened behind me, a student sliding inside easily, and a draft pulled in the bitter cold air from outside. Edward froze, turning around slowly, his eyes like pitch once more. He apologized to Ms. Cope quickly before exiting the building. I breathed a sigh of relief as I moved to the front desk. I told Ms. Cope that I had no issues except for Mr. Varner who was an imbecile and Edward who was insufferable, and left. Once inside my car, I began to tremble. Not from the cold, but from the reaction I elicited from Edward. I had only been party to those eyes once before, and even now the memory frightens me.