Disclaimer: ER, Reela, and all related content belong to their respectful owners. Henri-Louis Le Chatlier's theory of equilibrium, that's his, not mine.
Author's Note: Hi all! It sure has been awhile. The muses haven't been very kind to me in awhile, but this one came to me while sitting in chemistry class last semester. It's kind of nerdy, but if you know me at all, so am I. This is my take on how the Reela friendship may have been rekindled, Neela's point of view. Enjoy.
Several months went by after the accident before Ray and I were on speaking terms again, and I can attribute that to two main factors. The first, while it sounds like a pitiful excuse, was simply that we were both going through major recovery. In retrospect, my rehabilitation after the rally incident wasn't as emotionally or physically taxing as Ray's, but it still took a lot out of me. Coming to terms with my own injuries and all of the grave scenarios that could have been, it's a long process. Of course, it didn't help that someone else's wellbeing was always at the back of my mind. That's factor two. In the days leading up to his accident, and then later in his hospital suite, words were spoken, feelings were expressed, hearts were put out there on the line. My words, remorseful, laced with encouragement and false optimism. His words were honest, raw, sobering. They say that time heals all wounds, but emotional wounds, broken trust, broken hearts, embarrassment, regret, those that the longest to repair.
I don't even remember who it was to break the stalemate and open up the lines of communication, but as soon as we did, we found ourselves in the safe zone. Things didn't automatically return to the way they had been before. We were more guarded this time, as if we were meeting each other for the first time. We started off slowly, making small talk. The weather's unusually nice for this time of year, or The Bulls are having quite the season. Maybe they'll make it to the playoffs this year? Trivial things mostly. No mention of any sort of emotions. Even if I did think about him that time that I was flipping through channels on the television and saw that The Exorcist was playing, those things never came up in conversation.
It took a few weeks of awkward, haphazard phone calls before graduating to actual anecdotes and personal experiences. You wouldn't believe what Morris said to me today or Finally finished that song I've been working on. We were becoming more and more comfortable with each other. I found myself calling him when I'd had a particularly grueling shift or if I'd heard some juicy hospital gossip. He began to open up some about his rehab. He'd call after a tough session or if he'd attained a personal goal. Our friendship was headed in the right direction and we were content with that. A friendship. Nothing complicated. At least that's what we kept telling ourselves.
Somewhere along the line, my thinking began to change. I started to reexamine our journey. Ray had mentioned that he'd gotten a position in Pain Management and Rehabilitation at LeChatlier. That was the trigger. At that moment, I was back at Yale, sitting in my entry level Chemistry lecture. We were discussing equilibrium, namely the theory of French Industrial chemist Henri-Louis Le Chatlier.
If a system of equilibrium is disturbed by a change in temperature, pressure, or the concentration of one of its components, the system will shift its equilibrium so as to counteract the effect of the disturbance.
Back when we were roommates, that's when we were at our equilibrium. We coexisted nicely, very few bumps in the road. We had our differences, especially in terms of temperaments and routine, but, for other's trust and respect. [Neela] + [Ray] ↔ happiness
Our equation became unbalanced when I married Gallant. At that point in my life, I really did love Michael. The relationship may have moved quickly, the decision to wed a hasty one, but my feelings for him were rational, carefully thought out. My decision to move out of the apartment, that too was rational.
If a system at equilibrium is at equilibrium and we increase the concentration of a substance, either a reactant or a product, the system reacts to consume some of the substance. Conversely, if we decrease the concentration of a substance, the system reacts to produce some of the substance.
When the Neela concentration decreased upon my moving out, so did the concentration of happiness, to put it in the nerdiest terms possible. Those concentrations only continued to drop following Michael's tragic death. Ray had tried his hardest to keep the reaction moving in the forward direction, but, at the time, I wasn't very receptive. He felt like history. He was an ever-present reminder of the way things used to be, and would likely never be again.
We compensated by seeing other people. Though I was hesitant at first, I was able to find solace in Tony's company. My relationship with Tony was different. It was a welcome change for a girl like me, always thinking, analyzing, judging. Tony wasn't much for communicating his feelings, and I wasn't really ready to begin confronting mine, so our relationship was, regrettably, mainly a physical one.
When the temperature of a system at equilibrium is increased, the equilibrium shifts in the direction that consumes the excess reactant, namely heat
. Okay, that one's a bit of a stretch, but I like to think of it this way. Once Ray and I began seeing other people, we had created a new sort of equilibrium: [Neela] + [Ray] + [Gates] ↔ happiness. In this reaction, the Gates concentration was high and the happiness quotient fluctuated. With his increased presence came increased heat, and tension, anger, and passion. This drove Ray to make his attempts to get rid of this new reactant, Gates. They always seemed to be at each other's throats. And this brings us to the infamous disaster at Abby and Luka's wedding. And just like that, everything was cancelled out, the only remainder being me.
In the months following that disastrous evening, I'd find myself reminded of him, even missing him, as much as I'd told myself I wouldn't after all that had happened. I'll call those times the catalysts.
A catalyst increases the rate at which equilibrium occurs, but it does not change the composition of the equilibrium mixture.
Thinking about him didn't bring him back into my life. Well, it did in the sense that it was the main motivation for our communication efforts, but it didn't restore what we had. Those times helped us to recognize that our relationship would not mend spontaneously, that we had to actively work to regain our happiness. At least that was the effect it had on me, which is what brings me here today. I spot him from across the room, a new confidence about him that had been severely lacking when we parted ways following my visit to his hospital suite at Northwestern. He breaks his concentration from his patient for just a moment, but that's all it takes for him to notice me. Our eyes lock, he flashes a smile, and just like that, balance begins to be restored.