Dougie's POV
I was sitting in the grass of our front lawn, looking up at the clouds, thinking about Mikaela. As always on sunny days. The guys were all inside with Jamie, probably worrying about what I'm doing. I sighed and pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my forehead on my knees when the tears started to fall. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to stop the tears.... but all i saw was a still frame from a year before it happened.
"Pwease?!" She begged me, pulling her best puppy-dog face and clasping her hands together. I couldnt deny her anymore, so I smiled and picked her up, resting her on my hip. She smiled, knowing that I was either about to cave or on the way to caving.
"So you wanna come to my show tonight?" I asked. She nodded her head enthusiastically. I laughed and kissed her forehead. "How about this. If you can stay awake till the end, you can come." I said and she wrapped her arms around my neck.
"Thank you, Daddy!" She laughed, kissed my cheek, and lept from my arms. I laughed as she ran off, blond curls bouncing as she did so.
That made more tears fall and my breath to get caught in my throat, but i didnt want to stop watching her. So i squeezed my eyes shut again in a vain attempt to see her beautiful little face.
"Uncle Tom! Put me down! Its raining!" She laughed and hit tom lightly as Tom proceeded to run around in circles in the middle of the street while it rained.
"Never! King Dougie is never allowed to have Princess Kay back!" He yelled and spinned faster, laughing like a crazy person.
"Thomas Micheal Fletcher, what are you doing?!" Dom yelled from behind us. Tom put Makayla down very fast and turned around, smiling at Dom.
"Nothing..." He grinned. Meanwhile, Mikaela ran over to me and wrapped her arms around my legs, laughing as she did so.
"Save me, Daddy!" She yelled.
The tears weren't just flowing now, i was into full out sobs. I lifted my head a little and buried it in my hands, then slowly moved my hands up until they were running through my hair. My little girl is... gone. Shes gone. I frowned as i thought of her in her last months. Her beautiful blond curls were replaced by a bright pink bandanna, but her amazing smile was still present. It was there until her last day, when I broke down because i thought she was asleep.
"Baby..... i... i love you. And I'm not ready for you to leave me. Not yet." I said, tears falling, as i ran my hand down the side of her pale and cold face lightly.
"I love you too, daddy." She said in a small, weak voice. It took my by surprise, so I pulled my hand away, then smiled at her when she opened her eyes slightly. "Please don't cry, daddy. I'm going to go to heaven and be with God." She said, half smiling. "I'll wait for you right at the door to get in. I promise." She said, then sighed and closed her eyes. "Can you please tell Uncle Tom, Uncle Danny, Uncle Harry, Aunt Dom, Aunt Sam, and Aunt Chas that I love them?" She asked in a much quieter voice.
"Of couse, baby." I said, wiping my eyes as more tears gathered. I took her hand and she squeezed it lightly.
"And tell mommy that i love her more?" She asked.
"Yeah." I forced and it sounded like a squeal. I was trying to keep from breaking down while my heart broke into millions of pieces with every word she said.
"And daddy?" She asked, opening her eyes again. I took a deep breath and smiled my best smile. "I love you most." She said, then her eyes slowly closed.
"I love you too, baby. Forever." I said, closing my eyes.
"Remember. I promised." She breathed, then the monitor next to her started slowly beeping and it gradually got faster and faster. I dropped to my knees and buried my face in the sheets of the hospital bed bawling my eyes out, holding a limp hand. Harry ran in and ran over to me, wrapping his arms around me.
"Its alright, Dougie. Its alright. Shes better now. She doesnt hurt anymore." He tried to stop my crying.
"Its not fair! Shes my baby!" i cried.
"I know... i know.." He sighed and Tom walked in, his arms wrapped tightly around a sobbing Jamie.
After that, I more or less stopped talking in general. I was always thinking about what it would be like if Mikaela didn't have cancer. Or if she had beaten it. McFLY took a break to recouprate. Mikaela was a big part of all of our lives. Since the first show she attended, she was always our biggest fan. Even though she was only four at the time, she knew all our songs and all the lyrics. I brought her out one show and she sang along with me to Transylvania and everyone was either amazed at her cuteness, even me. Also, she was the first, and as of yet, only kid any of us had. Harry and Tom eventually locked me in the recording studio when we started the band up again until I told them that i wanted out because of how much i refused to talk. When i went home that night, Jamie attacked me, smiling ear to ear. When I asked her why, she just smiled wider if possible and kissed my cheek. Then i knew it was because the guys told her i had talked, even just a word.
I slowly started talking more again. In our first interview, Tom said that it was like having the Dougie from 2005 back with me being 'shy'. That's what we let everyone think. That i had digressed from being over talkative to being shy again over my daughter. Which was partially true. It was because of my daughter. But i was shutting myself out from the world, not being shy. I didn't care what was going on, I just wanted to see my baby girl again. Not too much longer and we were out on a small tour, three arenas in one week; really nothing at all. We got through all three shows and everything was perfect. But at the same time, everything was horribly wrong. My mind was wandering the entire time all three nights to things i never wanted to think about. I was contemplating different ways to kill myself. And that scared the crap out of me in my head, but then again it also made sence. When we got onto our bus, I locked myself in the bathroom and dug around the medicine cabnets for a while until I found what I was looking for. A small razor. I placed it on my wrist, looking up at the cealing and taking a deep breath and.....
Thinking about that made me look down at my left wrist with the puffy scar. I wiped my eyes and got up, brushed my pants off. I took a few deep breaths and looked up at the sky. It was such a beaufitul blue.... it was almost the colour of Mikaela's eyes. I smiled and rubbed the back of my neck.
"Baby girl, I love you. And I miss you more than you know." I said out loud, then closed my eyes and I could almost hear her respond.
"And I'm keeping my promise. I love you too." but i knew that I hadnt really. It was just my mind hearing what it wants to hear. Then I heard the front door open.
"Dougie? Are you out... oh. There you are." Jamie said. I turned around and looked at her and she smiled. I smiled back.
"Here I am." I said. She walked towards me and I met her halfway and wrapped my arms around her waist while hers went around my neck.
"I love you so much, Dougie." She said.
"I love you too, Jamie." I replied, pulling away from her a little bit and kissing her lightly. She broke off and leaned her forehead onto mine and we just looked into eachothers eyes. Then she moved her head and looked up at the sky and smiled.
"Do you ever wonder who she'd be today?" Jamie asked. I smiled and looked up too.
"I always wonder what shed do and what would be different... but i know what shes doing right now. Shes waiting for me, just like she promised." I answered. Jamie looked back down and kissed my cheek.