Tapey the Evil Overlord and VHS of Ultimate Doom
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This was inspired by the sheer crappy-ness of The Ring and The Ring 2.
I do not own The Ring or The Ring Two.
Note: I will most probably be insulting everyone and everything I can think of in this story, so please do not take anything personally, it is all in good fun.
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Monday
Hello, friends, gather 'round to hear a story. My name is Tapey, though it has not always been so. This is the story of my tragic life as a VHS tape.
Why a VHS, you may be asking? Well, I in no way wanted to become an evil being, but was forced to against my will by the government… the bunch of sleazy bastards. Anyways, they told me that I was to become an Evil Overlord and go kill off everyone in the United States.
Why, you're probably asking? Apparently, they're going to steal our water or something shitty like that.
Anyways, the government told me to find a way to subtly kill off Americans until they're all gone and there's no one to steal our water.
But I wondered: wouldn't anyone notice when all the citizens of such an important country disappear?
They replied: damn Americans…
But they waved it off, as this government does with almost everything, and asked me what type of Evil Overlord I wanted to be. Apparently there are many different ones around
So I'm like: what the fuck? I don't want to be an evil overlord; I don't want to kill people.
They said they'd raise my taxes if I didn't agree.
So eventually I did agree, and I said I wanted to be a VHS Tape Evil Overlord. I explained my idea, and that everyone who watched me would die in seven days, because my evil minion would come and eat them. If the minion ate them, there would be no bodies to explain. But the thing that they didn't know was that no one in their right minds watches VHS tapes anymore. It was a foolproof plan. I would still have my normal taxes, and I wouldn't have to kill anyone.
Hmm… maybe I should have asked them to lower my taxes in exchange for all of this.
Tuesday
Today was the day of evil minion auditions. Notice how Evil Overlord has capital letter but evil minion doesn't? According to the government it subtly gives the impression that I'm more important.
Have I mentioned how stupid this government is? Seriously, they asked me if 'Prime Minister' would look cool spelt: PrImE MiNiStA!1!one!... Have I mentioned how stupid they are?
Anyways, first was a kitten. Seriously, a freaking kitten came in. I'm like: what the hell? Seriously, I need a minion with opposable thumbs if I'm going to be an evil VHS tape. Hello, no legs?
Next was a monkey… Well, I got my thumb wish, but the monkey didn't seem so keen on the entire 'evil' idea. It just spent half an hour scratching its butt.
Next there was this little freak that was looking for her kitten. She's all pretty and keeps twirling her hair around her finger and laughing and she says the word 'like' way too much for her own good.
To say the least, I was in a bad mood and ordered all three to be thrown down a well. And for you animal rights activists, the cat scratched the guard's face off and ran away. The monkey threw crap at him and ran away.
The girl got away, too. But when she got home her mother threw her down a well, so it was all good.
Well, no evil minion yet.
Wednesday
I woke up this morning to the government calling at six a.m. To say the least, I was pissed, and definitely reconsidering this entire Evil Overlord thing. They said that they'd increase my pay by three per cent if I kept the job. I didn't remember until after I hung up that I wasn't getting paid; they were forcing me to do this… damn Liberals.
Anyways, they told me that the girl who'd come in looking for her kitten had turned quite evil while being in the well. Strange, since it had only been about nine hours. But I wasn't about to argue, it made my job that much easier. Plus, her well was attached to the entire sewer system, so she could easily get into people's houses.
Later that day, I went to talk to 'well girl'. I later learned that her name was Suzie, but that didn't sound very evil. I suggested something like Brittney Spears, but the government said that we wanted to kill people, not torture them. So we decided on Samara. Whatever… though it sounds like some rip-off of Smarties candies. I think I shall call her Smarties.
So, I'd found an evil minion and was almost ready to start wreaking havoc.
Thursday
Today I was placed in a Blockbuster store, ready for some unsuspecting teen to rent. Now, I still didn't want to kill people, but the government forced me to. But I had a plan.
I was placed in a box for the movie 'Catwoman'. It would be a sad, boring, lonely life, but at least no one would ever see me.
Friday
I can not believe it! Some idiot rented 'Catwoman'! Who the hell spends five dollars on this crap? Well, it was some pimple-faced teenager wearing a cape and calling himself 'The Dark Avenger', if that's any hint.
So, he watched the movie, and I was like: what the fuckitty fucking fuck? They told me I was going to be some scary movie, not a load of crap! Seriously, let me sum it up for you: woman brushes hair, then looks at camera, girl falls in well, some crappy stool spins around (WTF?), and woman falls off cliff.
But then Smarties (as I've started calling her) calls the guy and says some crap about seven days. Whatever, adds to the drama. Best part is idiot boy calls all of his friends (two) to come and watch the movie. I think I'm starting to enjoy killing people.
Saturday
Boring day… not much happened… more people watched me. Smarties got bored and killed some people, even though it hasn't been seven days.
Sunday
Two bimbos talk about having sex with their boyfriends at the cottage or some crap like that. Yep, Smarties killed one of them, too… just for the hell of it. I think one of them watched me on Friday or something.
I must make a point to teach Smarties how to count.
Monday
Another stupid, clichéd 'strong-willed, young, single mothers' watches me. I hate her; she's all scared at the stupid spinning stool. I think I'll get Smarties to mess with her kid's mind some time later. Anyways, there's a lovely funeral for the blonde bimbo. Apparently, Smarties is screwing up people's faces as they die. They look like a mix between demented squirrels and Spongebob Squarepants.
Smarties had her first day of school today. Though, she didn't fit in too well with the other kids. They kept teasing her because she was dead. She got them though; she made them listen to crappy rap music for hours.
Remember, you can't spell 'crap' without 'rap'.
Tuesday
Clichéd mother is freaking out. She's sure that I killed the blonde bimbo. No… it was Smarties, bitch. Seriously, get your facts straight. Besides that, it was a pretty uneventful day. I sat in my Catwoman box all day and all night. No one wanted to rent me… maybe Americans are smarter than we give them credit for. Smarties is doing well in school, she can now count to five-- have I mention that her idiocy rivals that of the government?
Wednesday
Clichéd mother makes copy of me… idiot. Love interest of clichéd mother watches me… idiot.
Thursday
Remember clichéd mother? Her stupid, freaky kid watched me. It's like the idiot circus is on town. Anyways, clichéd mother is freaking out because the kid's going to die. But I actually wouldn't mind if he kicked the bucket. He's actually really creepy. Clichéd mother dies of a sudden, massive heart attack-- just kidding!
Friday
Clichéd mother goes to see Smarties' father. He kills himself. This is a lot of dying… I'm definitely going to consider resigning. Clichéd mother makes some allusion between a cigarette and a lighthouse… okay…
Saturday
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Love interest finally died! For once I'm thankful of Smarties' idiocy. Right… must get thoughts of death out of my head. Okay, when this whole thing with clichéd mother is over, I'm quitting. Smarties can take over the business.
Sunday
Clichéd mother spilt some marbles on the floor, and discovered Smarties' house-- I mean well. Yes, she likes the well. Apparently a house was built over it. But she has memories in that well, so she lives there. Plus it gives her access to all the sewage systems, remember?
Anyways, clichéd mother got little boy to make a copy of my copy. Apparently that means that they don't did… damn it. But I'm seriously going to quit.
Lastly, I figured out why no one understands Smarties. She only speaks French. I've yet to meet an American who speaks French, and all their pleading in English goes in vain… suckers. No! Bad thoughts! Death is bad… must think of non-death-related topics.
Monday
Damn government wouldn't let me leave. Clichéd mother and creepy kid moved to the middle of nowhere. I guess, now that I'm stuck killing people, I can concentrate on them. Smarties agree with me. She hates them as much as I do, I think. My French is limited in the cursing department, so I missed about half of what she was saying about them. I gather that she hates them. We've decided to possess the creepy kid for no apparent reason.
Tuesday
Some annoying kid who watched me a week ago tries to get a girl to watch me. What an ass. Smarties totally busts a cap on his ass. Plus she sacked him… twice… go, Smarties! Girl is alive, but in traumatic state. Doctors say she will be on medication and in a mental institution all her life. Hey, it's better than being stuck in a Catwoman box!
Wednesday
Little kid and clichéd mother are at some flea market… Mother meets neighbours, but runs away from them. Apparently, her strategy is to get everyone to hate her, then there's no chance that evil dead girls will come visit her. Hah… what a sucker. Creepy kid goes to a public washroom. The lighting is crappy, the place is dirty and the toilets don't work. There were even flies inside it. But get this: he blames me and Smarties! What an idiot! Just for that Smarties totally possessed his ass. I mean, come on, it was a freaking public washroom at a flea market! What did he expect? Clichéd mother (who already has another love interest-- what a slut) is all freaked out because her kid's in the washroom. I guess I would be, too. From the looks of it, the toilet seats are just an STD waiting to happen.
Thursday
Kid woke up around one a.m. He wet his bed. I suspect that Smarties made him do it for a cheap laugh. Anyways, I think his fish tank has a leak because half the water is gone, maybe he should refill it.
Oh, look at that, the kid got sick from the washrooms! I suspect the flu, but Smarties says it's just a bad cold. I side with her since she's freaking possessing him.
Idiot kid did not refill fish bowl.
Friday
Smarties wanted a day off, so I have to find a new way to torment our favourite pair. Clichéd mother and creepy kid are attacked by deer. Oh yes, my reign now extends into the animal kingdom.
Saturday
Clichéd mother really gets to display her parenting skills here. She leaves kid in a bathtub at love interest's house. Yes, with a guy she barely knows, and takes off to go do some random crap.
Look at that, the fish are dead because the bowl's empty. Idiot kid. Mother got all freaky and grabbed kid (remember, Smarties is inside him, possessing him) and tries to drown him. Love interest runs into to the rescue and insists that boy go to hospital because he's turning blue. Could that be because he was nearly drowned? Apparently, this does not occur to clichéd mother. Hospital says it is hypothermia.
Sunday
Mother goes to visit Smarties' mom. She is crazy as a coconut. Ouch-- Smarties just hurt me for that.
Monday
Kid (with the help of Smarties) kills some psychiatrist. She's going to give him this huge ass sedative, but gives it to herself instead. Whatever, I don't care. Smarties does a much better job than the animals at killing people.
So kid leaves hospital and kills love interest of clichéd mother. Mother comes home and makes him a RP&J sandwich (that's rat poison and jelly, for your information). Then she attempts (again) to drown him.
Smarties is getting pissed, so she leaves the creepy kid's body. We are going to rally against the government and try to get better jobs. Maybe we can work at McDonalds. It's still killing people, but in a more legal way.
Guess what? I'm in the VCR again! Clichéd mother gets sucked into television and into well. She's convinced Smarties wants a mother, but Smarties can't understand her since she only speaks French. I told Smarties to kill the bitch, but the bitch climbed the well and kicked Smarties before she could get her. Clichéd mother closes the well.
Ooh… she closed a well. Jeez, like it's so hard to close a well. But she's all happy and proud of herself. In secret, Smarties slips cyanide into all of their food, so rest assured, they will die.
Tuesday
We did get new jobs! And they are at McDonalds. I still feel guilty about all of the heart attacks we'll be handing out with a 'McHappy Smile'. The only part that sucks is we're being sent to Alaska. Smarties is pissed, because it's too cold to have a well there. But she can live under the deep-fryer or something.
In conclusion…
That, my friends was my brief reign as Tapey the Evil Overlord and VHS of Ultimate Doom. I hope you have enjoyed reading my version of a cruddy story. And remember… don't steal water… or this could happen again…