Damage Done, a harry potter fanfic

Damage Done

Disclaimer: Patrick Monaghan and Samuel Nettles are mine, and are due to make larger appearances in an upcoming fic based on Severus' schooldays. The rest belong to the literary wonder who is JK Rowling and are NOT MINE. I make no money from this. I am a poor student.

A/N: Having been a devoted reader of Dzeytoun's fantastic 'Here Be Monsters' (story ID 1458772), I was inspired to write this fic. I have never done a McGonagall-centred fic before, so if she seems a little OOC, I apologise. I don't know if she would keep a diary or not, nor do I know if she is aware Severus is a Death Eater or not, or has her suspicions about it. We also know she was a teacher while Severus, etc. were at school ("Thirty-nine years this December," in OotP, to Umbridge). This fic is centred on her reflecting on The Shrieking Shack Incident in the Marauders' fifth year, and subsequently, the current Potions teacher. Dates, if I go by CoS and Nearly Headless Nick's death, are accurate (Harry began Hogwarts in September 1991).

Please read and review – although flames will be used to toast marshmallows.

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June 1976; diary entry

Albus has just left my office. He is relieved that this academic year is finally over. I cannot blame him, for I feel much the same way. Yet we are both ever more concerned; more and more Slytherin leavers are rumoured (and, sadly, proved) to be joining the ranks of the most evil Dark Lord of recent times, perhaps of all time, the man formerly known as Tom Marvolo Riddle. Albus has his suspicions that, most worryingly of all, even some students are turning to him.

Most people suspect Lucius Malfoy of being one of his closest followers. It was only four years ago that he left Hogwarts, joined the Ministry of Magic and married Narcissa Black, a pureblood Slytherin from the year below him. I disliked him greatly while he was a student, as he showed no respect towards any member of staff.

Albus will do his best to prevent students from turning away from us, but for some it is already too late. There are some we have lost by now, and there are others that never had a chance of turning to us, indoctrinated against non-purebloods by their hate-filled, prejudiced parents from before they could speak or even think.

I have my concerns for the coming school year. The feud between fifth-years James Potter and Sirius Black (two of the self-labelled 'Marauders') of my house, Gryffindor, and Severus Snape of Slytherin, is out of control. Potter and Black are perhaps a little arrogant, but they are decent boys at heart. Snape, on the other hand, is malicious and spiteful by nature. Having met his father on numerous occasions, and been three years below him in my own schooldays, it is little surprise, especially as Snape's mother has little interest in her son, and his sister, Sorrelle, three years older than him, was much the same when I taught her. Potter and Black are popular; Snape is a loner and rarely speaks to anyone else unless it is to spit out something unkind and insulting.

But things came to a head in April. Remus Lupin, another Marauder, is a werewolf. The evening he was Sorted into Gryffindor, Albus informed me of this, as I am head of Gryffindor. I know the monthly routine involving the Whomping Willow and the Shrieking Shack, as do Potter, Black and Peter Pettigrew (the fourth and final Marauder), Lupin's closest friends.

Black decided it would be amusing to play a joke on Snape. On the full moon. Snape, naturally, was desperate to discover Lupin's secret, and believed everything Black told him.

Potter pulled him back just in time to prevent his death, although he does unfortunately now know of Lupin's lycanthropy. He escaped with nothing more than a few scratches and bruises, courtesy of the Willow and Potter's somewhat rough handling of him – physically. Mentally, though, I fear the damage is far worse. Snape has an unfortunate tendency to bear grudges from even the slightest upset, and this incident is far from petty.

The scene afterwards in Albus's office is burned into my memory forever:

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Albus, stood behind his cluttered desk, Fawkes on his perch, myself to Albus's right. Potter and Black just to my right, Snape to Albus's left. Gryffindors and Slytherin shooting daggers at each other. I keep my own face impassive, neutral; I vow only to judge when I have heard all the facts. Albus is grave.

He leans forward, hands braced on his desk. "What can I possibly say, boys? This is a very serious situation." He sighs wearily, momentarily looking worn and old. "I have spoken with Mr. Lupin, and he informs me that he knew nothing of this incident beforehand. I have no reason to disbelieve him. Mr. Potter, Mr. Black, perhaps you have something to say to this?"

"Remus wasn't in on it," admits Potter. "He didn't know anything."

"Did you know anything about it?"

Potter is silent. I clear my throat pointedly.

He meets Black's eyes in a silent apology. "I – I did have a vague idea … "

"So it was your idea, Mr. Black?" inquires Albus. He is carefully and expertly controlled in both voice and facial expression, revealing nothing.

Black reluctantly nods. "Snape's been trying to find out about Remus for ages. He deserved far worse than he got!"

"Ahem. It is not your role to decide who deserved what, Mr. Black," says Albus sternly. "Now, Mr. Snape, what exactly do you know?"

"That you knowingly admitted a highly dangerous Dark creature to the school," answers Snape promptly, an excited, triumphant glitter in his obsidian eyes. He sounds almost gleeful.

"A decision that I can assure you I did not make lightly. Mr. Snape, if you are ever to reveal Mr. Lupin's condition to anyone, you will be immediately and permanently removed from Hogwarts. Do you understand?"

Snape scowls, arms folded defiantly across his chest. "And what if I accidentally let it slip?"

Albus's eyes are icy-cold as they meet Snape's. "Oh, I don't think you will." His tone is measured, one which exudes ultimate authority. Rarely does he sound this cold and unmoved.

He turns back to my charges. "This is serious, as I have stated before. Mr. Black, eighty housepoints will be taken from Gryffindor, and you will spend the next fortnight in detention with Mr. Filch. Understood?"

Black nods briefly. Quite frankly, I am amazed that he has not been expelled. Although, to be fair, nobody was seriously harmed, and Sirius Black has never had the best judgement. I assume Albus is working on this basis.

"Mr. Potter, I am awarding you one hundred points for your bravery in saving the life of a classmate."

"Thankyou, sir." Potter smiles, although I cannot tell what he is thinking.

Snape stares at Albus in disbelief and horror. "But they tried to kill me!" he argues angrily. "I nearly died!"

"You are alive and relatively unharmed, are you not?" replies Albus coolly. "You should be grateful to Mr. Potter for saving your life. As it is, I am taking forty points from Slytherin for your stupidity and for prying where you shouldn't, and I am giving you a week of detention with Mr. Filch, concurrent with Mr. Black. Am I understood?"

Snape sneers. "Perfectly." Albus turns away, to Fawkes. He does not see the hurt, betrayal and anger in Snape's usually guarded eyes, before the Slytherin turns and storms out, back to his quarters. Potter and Black smirk triumphantly.

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Oh Albus, what have you done? That look in Snape's eyes … It is the betrayal that stands out most in my memory. Black was guilty of attempted murder, yet Gryffindor gained twenty points from the incident whilst Slytherin lost forty, and Snape is forced to spend a whole week in detention with the very person who tried to end his life. I fear for the child. Was that the night we lost him to Tom Riddle? I am aware that the youngest Death Eater initiation age is sixteen. I would not be surprised if Snape returns home tonight and willingly enters the tight clutches of the thing who calls himself 'Lord Voldemort'. I tried to say something to Albus just now, but he waved it off. "Even if he considers it, he will be far too scared to actually go through with it."

But what if you are wrong, Albus? What if Severus Snape does become a Death Eater? Are you the one who has condemned him to this fate? Had the roles been reversed that night, with Snape attempting to end Black's life, would you have expelled Snape?

My heart tells me that the answer is yes. We have failed a child. You may argue that it was inevitable, that that night was only one small incident in a long line of incidents. After all, Severus Snape arrived here a sullen and bitter eleven-year-old who bore a nasty black eye and a healing gash down the side of his other eye. I wonder now if his father did that to him? I recall the man having a violent streak when I was at school.

I do hope we have not lost that child for good.

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(June 1994)

I look up from the pages of my diary. I do not write in it often, choosing only to record eventful occasions, and my thoughts at the end of each school year. It can be useful to reflect on past years – like I am doing so now. Now, James Potter's son has just completed his third year here at Hogwarts. A Gryffindor like both his parents, naturally. He knows about The Incident (given capital letters some years ago) from his father's fifth year, courtesy of Lupin, hired by Albus this year to fill the seemingly jinxed Defence Against the Dark Arts position. Patrick Monaghan retired the year James Potter and co. left Hogwarts, and there has not been a single teacher who has lasted more than one year since.

Lupin left here a few days ago, just before the end of term. Snape, now teaching Potions and taking on the difficult responsibility of being head of Slytherin House here at Hogwarts, 'accidentally' let slip about Lupin's lycanthropy to his charges.

I suppose I was right about him bearing grudges. Lupin never actually did anything to him at school.

But perhaps that was the problem; Lupin ignored Potter and Black when they played pranks on Snape, never attempting to stop them, or so it seemed to me.

I still believe that it was The Incident that caused us to lose Snape to Riddle. He returned for his sixth year with a much darker aura surrounding him, even more anger, bitterness and hatred bottled up inside him, which he directed mainly at Potter and Black. He was far too hurt, far too damaged, by then.

I jump as the door to the staff room opens and Snape enters. I once heard Ginny Weasley describe him as a looming, overgrown bat. I have to agree with her there.

"Minerva," Snape acknowledges coolly.

"Severus," I reply, matching his tone. I watch him sit down in the darkest corner of the room and open his copy of the Daily Prophet. I take a deep breath. It is now or never. Albus told me of Severus' past when he first appointed him. "When did you become a Death Eater, Severus?"

He almost drops the paper in shock. "Why are you asking?" He eyes me suspiciously, his obsidian eyes burning into me.

"Answer the question," I snap. It is too hot today for beating around the bush.

He stares blankly at the window, eyes and face devoid of any emotion. "Summer 1976. Between my fifth and sixth years."

I glance down at the diary in my lap again and see my words from eighteen years ago jumping out at me: 'I would not be surprised if Snape returns home tonight and willingly enters the tight clutches of the thing who calls himself 'Lord Voldemort'.' "Why did you?" I ask cautiously. I am expecting silence, or else a curt, 'None of your business', which is what one usually gets when prying further into Severus's life than is safe.

"James Potter and Sirius Black."

So I was correct.

"The incident with Lupin in fifth year merely proved to me how prejudiced this school really is," he continues softly, his voice full of anger and bitterness. "Slytherins are always seen as the evil ones. The guilty ones. The unfeeling ones. We aren't given a chance to be anything else. Even the headmaster has his inbuilt prejudices, no matter how much he appears to treat everyone equally on the surface."

"Like a Gryffindor losing eighty points and receiving a fortnight's detention for attempting to kill a Slytherin, the latter of whom loses forty points and gets detention for a week with the Gryffindor who tried to kill him," I reply.

Severus blinks.

"Whereas if the Slytherin and Gryffindor's roles were to be reversed," I continue, "the Slytherin would be expelled, in all likelihood."

Severus stares at me. "You're a Gryffindor, Minerva. How could you possibly see things as they really are?" His tone is derisive, scathing.

"Because I saw the pain and betrayal in your eyes that night in Albus' office," I tell him. "I saw James Potter for the bully he was. I didn't see it until then, but that was when it really hit me." I get up and hand the diary to him.

He takes it and reads the entry I have just read. I am unable to tell what he is thinking.

Finally he finishes and looks up at me. The pain has returned to his eyes, along with –

The betrayal.

"You have never said any of this to Dumbledore?"

"I attempted to," I answer. "He had other things on his mind, though, and I do not believe he heeded my words." But my words sound hollow, as though I am making up some poor excuse to deflect the blame onto someone else and remain blameless myself.

"I see." Severus' eyes and voice turn cold, and he rises from his seat. "Slytherins are never important. That Gryffindor girl in the year below me – she was rescued as soon as her new stepfather began hitting her. Within a week, I believe." He pauses and I feel the anxiety grow. What is he building up to?

"But a Slytherin can be abused his entire life, and nothing is ever done about it."

Memories hit me. An eleven-year-old Severus, waiting to be Sorted, a black eye and a gash on his face…A second-year, with a bruised arm and broken wrist that his head of house, Samuel Nettles, had trouble getting him to see Poppy Pomfrey about ("I fell out of a tree")…A third-year Severus returning with cracked ribs and a badly bruised midsection ("I got in the way of a turf war between two Muggle gangs")…A fourth-year with a bruised face…A fifth-year with infected cuts on his arms from the Muggle razor blade he had deliberately, repeatedly, dragged across them in a futile attempt to ease his emotional pain and as a desperate cry for help, which only Poppy paid any attention to…A sixth-year, suddenly much darker in mind than before…And the seventh-year who had deliberately sabotaged James Potter's broom before the final Quidditch match of the year (which, incidentally, Gryffindor still won, despite the best efforts of Hufflepuff, who finished second that season).

Then I remember his first appearance in the staff room, twelve years ago, aged just twenty-one and teaching many people he had been a student alongside. He was thin, and looking far older than he actually was. A stranger who did not know his true age would have said he was in his forties. And he was worn and bitter. Always bitter, and cynical, and jaded, and damaged beyond repair.

"Your father abused you?"

He turns away, and his soft voice is full of pain, anger and, above all, that awful bitterness. "Congratulations, Minerva. Only twenty-two years too late." He leaves the room, my diary tossed onto Amaryllis Sprout's empty desk.

I sit down, exhausted and drained. I will never be able to rectify my mistakes, my failure in spotting an abused child. And that child is now a man too broken and bitter to forgive or to heal.

Oh Albus, what have we done?

~END~