A/N: Hi! I'm Liliana :D This is a commentary on one of the worst fanfics ever. This garbage HAS to be written like this on purpose, because not even a monkey on dope could type this bad. Still, I read it, and it was too good (sorry, BAD) not to do a commentary on. So...LET THE DOPE MONKEY STORY BEGINNNN!

Oh wait. Forgot the disclaimer.

Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING! Not the story (thankfully), not the plotline (or whatever fragments of a plotline there may be), not Harry Potter (cuz if I did, Sirius, Fred, and Tonks (among others) would never ever have died ever D:, not A Christmas Story, NOT ANYTHING! Except the commentary. I own that. :D

NOW on with the crap story!

AN Dis iiz mi stury. MI friend edited it 4 me. You're the best, Darry! Who's Darry? Is that even a name?

BOOK 1: JO BELLE POTTER AND THE SORCERURS STON

Chapter 1: Dumbledore

Mi nam is Jo bele Susie lilee Puttr. Like golf? I waz drupped uff at mi uncl and ants hose. Hose? -pictures family living in a giant pair of women's pantyhose- *shudders* wen I waz 3 da dark lurd volddenut hehe killd mi parents. I used to hav a bruthr but he livs in engglnd. And apparently people no longer exist if they live in England? Now mi ant in uncl in sutth carulia razed me. Raze: to completely destroy. I don't know if they razed her, but they sure razed her grammar skills. Dey r abusive. Dey rap and hurt me. Well, I could agree with that, since rap hurts my ears. I really don't like rap.

I hav durty blond hair, that hangs down to mi feet. i hav dimond blu ies dat sparkl like Edward Cullen. Sometimes my eis are green or yellow. just like Scut Farkus from A Christmas Story. "So help me God, yellow eyes!" OI am super hot!111111111 You forgot "humble."

1 dae I waz wlkin doewn da street nd I cm hom der was a ledder on da doorstep. Ladder? On the "doorstep"? Well, don't walk under it, that's bad luck. On second thought, walk under it aaallll you want. I gspd!11111111111111 it sad hugwurts skill od wickraaf nd wizrdy. I tried to get it butt Butt? sdunely… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … .. .. .. ... ... ... So much suspense... ... ... and why are all the periods grouped in 3s?

A knif came me!11111111111111 YES! DIE DIE DIE DIEEEE! Im fast thouh, so I caut it nd thru it bak at mi dum uncl. Let's add "ninja" to the list of things she so desperately wants to be, including "Harry Potter, a golf club (putter), a good writer..."

it hit him in da crocht and he did. Did what? den antie Beatrice cam up. "U klld mi usbnd u freek!111111111111111 22222222 33333333... ... ... ... "

Hes nut ded.' I told hur. Den I wavd mi hnd n he cam bak to lif! But you said he wasn't dead...? "Jpo Jpo? bel!" he screemd

Mi ant thru me acruss the rume.\ I hit da wull nd nearly pasd out! KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER!

"wuts dat letr u hav,' jo bel?" ant betric askd

"NOOO" Uncl sd. No what?

"I hut wed stuppd it!" ant betrik sad. You what? I honestly have no idea what that's supposed to be. Someone help?

"den unl grvaed be nd thruuu me acrss da rume. DEN DA DUR FLU OPEN!111111111.. ….. .. .. . . .. . . and I died.

An old man was der. Gandalf! He had a long blak beerd. No...Blackbeard! He spok in an awsum suthurn bretesh axnt. Not sure, but I doubt that the accent between southern and northern Britain differs. "I am Pruffsr ALbis Peeter Quintin alexndr Dumbldur!111111111" he crid. Who's this guy? Cuz he's not Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore... Although interestingly, she got the pattern right: Albus, P-name, Odd name, Ordinary name, Dumbledore (you know what I'm trying to say there?). TROLL ALERT! TROLL! TROLL! TROLL! or in dear Jo Belk's words, "TRULL!11 TORLL!1111 tURLOL!1111111111111111 ... ... ... ... ..."

A flash uv litenin was seen oteside da durr. It lukeed lik mi scar. Poser. I hav a scar ov a litenn bult on mi 4hd. Repetitive much?

Dumbldur sd. "Cum w/ me jo bel I hav ur bruthur."!1 Dear moose, I dread to see what she's done to Harry's name...

2 B CNTUUD!

Did anyone besides me notice how in the title, it's Jo Bekke, but in the story it's Jo Bel?

Reviews are greatly appreciated! Please tell me what you think! :DD Is it good? Is it flabberghastingly horrible? I'm dying to know!