Saying Goodbye
By: Emmithar
Rating: K+
Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or any of the characters. Wish I did though :D
Summary: One second, that's all it takes, then everything you know has been completely changed around. Character death.
Saying Goodbye
I knew that you were gone the second my eyes fell upon your face. The series of gunshots echoed through my mind as the squealing of tires tore through the night. You never had a chance; your fate was sealed the second the bullet left the gun.
The ground was hard under my knees; cement, blacktop to be precise. Small rocks tore through my jeans at the sudden pressure, cutting into my skin, but I ignored the pain; I was too shocked to notice.
There was blood everywhere, under you, on you…and you didn't even notice. You couldn't notice, you no longer knew anything. Your lifeless eyes stared back at mine and even then I refused to believe that it was true.
I reached up quickly, shakily, desperate to find any signs of life and sickened to find none. No breaths, no pulse…all you were now was an empty shell. I worked over your furiously, trying desperately to breathe life back in you, and even though my arms ached, and my muscles burned I still didn't give up.
Your skin was cold to touch, and I think I screamed out for help, but there was no one there. The officer had left to chase the shooter, leaving me alone to try and fight for you life. Scared, alone, and tumbling into another world of pain I finally knew that you were gone for good.
I couldn't help but cry, as I held onto you tightly. The pain I was in I could not compare to anything else. I had seen dead bodies before, many dead bodies. I had been sickened and angered as to how they were treated in their lives. None of them had warranted a reason to die, neither had you.
It hurt deeply, a knife was slowly tearing through me as I cried out hoarsely, begging for you wake up even though I knew you couldn't hear me. Never before have I seen someone I really cared about killed before my eyes.
Yes, I did care for you, I still do, I just wish I had worked up the nerve to tell you. I had been meaning too, but now I'll never get the chance. I hadn't even had time to say goodbye. You were with me that entire night, and in the blink of an eye, everything you had worked for, had believed in, was now gone.
I had mentored you for so long, had watched you grow over the years. We had some shaky times, but we were able to look past that. As you moved out into the field, I had the opportunity to watch you grow even more. I had never been more proud of anything then seeing you pass your final proficiency.
Then there was a sound, a white rush of noise, and I opened my eyes, realizing for the first time that I had closed them. White lights, floating in the air, blinded me, and I turned away, laying my head back down. When I was pulled away from you, I fought back. I hadn't wanted to leave your side, please believe me when I say that.
I had no choice though, and little chance as they walked me away from you. When they sat me down I didn't resist, I only watched you through bleary eyes as the coroner worked over you. It was starting to rain, the beaded drops landed on my head, rolled down my arms, mixing with the blood. But it didn't wash it away.
I closed my fingers into a fist as I brought my hands against my face, inhaling deeply, doing what I could to catch one last scent of you, so that I could bury it deep in my memory, and never let it go.
Then there were hands, wrapping around mine, pulling them away. I fought again, not wanting to lose the only remain part of you that I had. I hadn't realized how badly I had been shaking until he held my hands in his, talking to me quietly.
I couldn't see him through all the tears, but I could hear his voice well enough to know that it was Grissom. I shook my head, pulling away from him, despite the worry I could hear in his voice. I didn't want Grissom to comfort me; I needed someone I could hold, someone I could lean on. Not Grissom, the most he had ever done was hold my hand, and I was too hurt for that.
This job can be dangerous, we all know that. Yet we never stop to think how lucky we are with each passing day we remain alive, and in one piece. We never dwell on the possibility of the 'what ifs' only because it's too painful to think of. Now it is too late, there is no hope.
You left no family contacts with us. A neighboring CSI team took your investigation, we had been denied. Too personal, they said. Personal, it was far beyond that. There was nothing I could do about it; I don't even know where you ended up, or where you are now. Even worse, I don't know where you will be laid to rest. That information is for immediately family only. For some reason, they won't believe that I, Sara Sidle, am related to you. Even though I lied through my teeth, told them that Sanders was my maiden name.
I tried to move on; I know it would be what you would want for me. Each passing day was a struggle, Grissom had tried to get me into therapy, but I refused. I didn't need to sit there and tell some stranger my sob story, they wouldn't understand anyways. All they would say was that they understood, but how could they? Did they watch someone they love die? Did they hold them, beg them to breathe for so long that you lost your own breath?
It was hard for me to accept, but slowly, eventually, I did. As the days past, the weary, depressing feeling that had lingered with me for so long slowly began to fade away. Then one day, Grissom had handed me a file, had told me it was a new case. Opening it I began to read, but never made it past the first page.
A single white sheet of paper, with black lettering. A single address, a map below, and x marking the spot. I glanced back up at Grissom, but he never caught my eye. At that time, I didn't know what to say.
I drove out there the next day, taking some personal time for myself. Something I had not done in long time. I moved slowly, a bouquet of yellow flowers clutched in my hands, the map burned into my mind from countless hours of studying it the night before.
The smell of fresh cut grass tickled my nose, the sun glaring off my sunglasses as I come to the top of the hill, stopping as I saw your name, carved out in the white stone. It was empty, not a single rose, letter, or farewell gift rested at the front.
Closing my eyes I whispered a small prayer before kneeling down, laying the flowers before your name. You know that I would have been here when they buried you if I only knew. I would never abandon you, and I wish with all my heart I had known earlier.
I let my fingers follow the grooves in the stone, tracing your name slowly, and silently as I whispered one last prayer. You will never be forgotten, and I will live each and every day for you, knowing that somehow you will be watching. So I say goodbye for now, because I know that you are always near, inside my heart, whenever I need you.
The End