The Divine Tubulomedy of Tony Alighieri
Featuring Tony Hawk in Super Smash Bruhs. Shred
By: Patrick Ass Smore and some other guy
Special Thanks to Dragqueen Qard.
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS CANON WITH THE TONY HAWK UNDERGROUND SERIES AND ALSO "KIRBY RIGHT BACK AT YOU!". ALSO I'VE KNOWN THE LYRICS TO VOLUME BY LIBRETTO SINCE 2006.
Chapter 1: Pump Up the Valium
Tony Hawk, the tony hawk pro skater, was sitting on his tony hawk pro skateboard one day when I'mnot good at writing fics then suddenly meme. Why don't you write some of the fic comeon THEN he got the FUCK UP and Pumped Up the Valium with Libretto. After the valium was fully pumped he thought he would gather some of his pro skater (not tony hawk pro sk8rs tho) friends and Pump Up the Valium with them. The diazepam was too much and he fell over and fucking died. Only 90s kids will get the rest of this fic.
Chapter 2: Tony Hawk and Satan's Cawk.
Tony Hawk awoke in fucking hell. PRO SKATER HELL! Tony Hawk jumped on his pro skateboard and made his way to the 1st circle of hell, Limbolicious. Tony Hawk found Aristotle sitting on a fucking rock. Tony Hawk smacked him in the face with his fucking dank nug pro skateboard and Aristotle fucking writhed in pain. He also took 60% damage. Then it occured to Tony Hawk that he was fucking doing percent damage to Aristotle. This must mean there are Smash Bruh characters in Limbolicious! Tony ran up to Smash Bruh and he yes Mario was like "YES." Tony understood. Mario was an angel from the Mushroom Shredom who died for our sins and rose to Pro Sk8er Nero Heaven. Mario was going to guide Antonio through the 9 cirlces of Pro Sk8er Hell, the 7 terraces of Fuck Off Dad Mountain, and the 9 layers of Pro Sk8er Nero Heaven to reach Super Taboo Jesus Man Bruh. Anthony Hawk went to work!
Chapter 3: the other 8 circles
Salami Hawk was like FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK (get it?) he went to the 2th cirlce of Hell of a Sk8r Hell. Tony Hawk was horny becaust this circle was the Lustalicious circle. He found all of the womens there in Lustalicous. Peaches peach was beckoning. But he was heavily drugged on dank nug and not in the mood, also he has devoted his life to nothing but sk8ing. So he passed throuhg and also uhh actually that's all he did.
Chapter 4: That was a short chapter!
Tony Hawk found himself in the tercera circle of Hella. Tony and Mario were like FUCK YOU and didn't eat anything becuz it was the gluttony one but Mario wanted the pasta. But he didn't eat the pasta because the pasta is better in Pro Sk8r Nero Heavens Little Italy anyway. So he said FUCK IT. FUCK. The 4th cirlce of Smell was greed but Tony Hawk is rich anyway so **laugh traxc)** Tony Hawk went to the 5ith circley of lay memey and it was ANGER. But Tony hawk was on the dankle shmankel nug cannibis dope pan and he had the munchies and felt bad for not eating the pizza pasta in the last circles :(/. but he wasn't mad. Tony Hawk was found himslf in the Sexth polygon of Dell Computer Entertainment. It was the circle of HERESY. Tony doesn't believe in the broble but he believes in sk8ing 4 lyfe so that might be why he's here?/ but he went to Pope Anastasias the second and got a fucking free pass because that pope gave out pardons or somethin. (authors not: i read history"unquote) the seventh circle was violence and tony hawk aint havin that shit so he fucking slaughtered the demons of hell with his tony hawk pro sk8ing requisitious good looks and his motion cap skills. so fuck the 7th curcle. Tony fought his way thru the 7th curcle jerkle and made his way to the 8th cirlce which was the circle of fraud. Tony hask wasn't a frog so idk man. idk. but Mariovirgle was liek ITSA GO TIME PIZZA MARIO TYME and shit so Tony just shrug?
Chapter 5: Tony fightz
Tony found capt. falcon had killed captain crunch who was also there but thats alright. Tony faught valiantly and Captain Falcon kneed his face but he blocked with his pro sk8er board. But Falcon has somehting up his shoulder blade! He also had a board! The Smash Boards! His tier list oblitherated tony and tony almost died but then sonic the hedgehog shreded the ocean waves and killed valcon with his surf and turf. Tnoy was read to fight Satan and was buff too.
Chapter 666: toNY VS. SATAAN STAN.
Tony was ready for Satan. Satan's bung hole was ready for Tony. The two faught. yeah and then tony couldnt fight nay longer! mario couldn't help because angels dont fight. tony was ready to give it all up and light the fire upin the night the journey bu he didn't ive up.
Tony pulled his Evoker out of his pocket. He placed the barrel of the Evoker on his temple and pulled the trigger. Tony Hawk has become his Super Saiyan form, Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2. For the PS2. Also he summoned his Persona and his Stand, which are Arto Saari and Lance Mountain respectively. Tony, Arto, and Lance fought valiantly agianst Satan and Satan was dead. That was that!
Chapter 7: Purgutubular.
Tony unsummyned his standsona Subway 5 Dollar Footlong combosona Standwich. Mario was like "FUCK SHIT STACK GO TO PURGUTUBLAR BRUH MAN" and Sto Stony want to Pubular and he went to the Proud and fought some things what is even in purgatorio anyway like what the fuc. (sic) (sick) anyway that's pretty sick. Tony & Mario Superstar Standwich go to proudle terrace and they are proud so lol fuck you God. Oh then he sk8's to the second terrace of Super Mario galaxy and made it to the Evinious which is like woah man and he wasn't evious cuz he has fucking money so lol. the third Terrace was the tereace of THE WRATHFUl. Tony then remembered something he never wanted to remember...
Chapter 8th: The Rememembrandt... Featuring Dante from Devil May Cry
It was a cold night in the middle of nowhere, state of Iowa. It was I, Tony Hawk, the Tony Hawk pro skater, that killed that man. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I entered that Iowa bar, and the man was inebriated. He told me I wasn't the Tony Hawk that I said I was. He said I was a Tony Schamony. I was angered so much that I fired a chill pill beam straight at him, creating a hole in the wall. I'm fucking rich, so I just payed the bartender, but shit, I didn't mean to do that. I felt very bad. It struck me, the irony of the situation. This power that I hold was used not against someone who needed to chill, man, but it was used BY someone who needed to like, chill, bro. Fuck dude. Like, wow. Fuck. Dude. Shit. word
Chapter 9's: Insert Touhou Joke here.
Tony, now remembering his awful past, remembered his awful past. He then remembered his awful past. Tony couldn't live with his awful past, so he shredded the half pipe of Mount Purgatubular. Tony was like fuck and just got mad. (authors note: get it? only90s kids wo) lol nyways
Chapter 10'll: Tony gets krunk
Tony was like was like yeah and he ate his foot lolng dick but thats beside the point. He shredded PUMPED UP THE MOUNTAIN like no man has done before...elipses... thenh he made it to the fourth terrace of schmell. in the fourth terrace, the slothful, tony's stoner side started to get an erection. He started to cum uncontrollably and he came on Birdhouse, who was also a talking a skateboard btdubs. so now yueah but thats alright next terracve,,. the next terrace is covetis but HES FUCKING RICH SO WTF EVER.
after that terraz was glutony, and thank God, cuz he was fucking hungry. He fucking ate a turtle because thats what Dillon was talking about when I was writing this. his munchies were quenched. then the 7tith terrace was lustfulnessness. Tony wasn't horngry, because he's fucking Tony. Fuck Tony, amiright? Andyway. HE made it to the Garden of Shr-Eden. TZhe Arsely Paradise was there and he Tony Hawk Pro sk8'd up the Tree of Tree'den. Then he was in Pro Sk8r Nero Heaven.
Chapter 9/[11]: Tony was Bush
Tony accidentally hit a plane with his Birdhouse talking pro sk8board and the plane hit the World Trade Center and more than 3,000,000,000,000 people died. I was one of them. This is the story of me. Mike Hawk. Tony's brother. Tony is praised as the best pro sk8 sk8r, but I am pretty good too. Tony has stolen my title as the best heavy weight pro sk8r, but I am better. I AM MIKE HAWK AND I WILL BE THE BEST THERE EVER WAS AT PRO SK8ING IN THE XXX GAMES TO SHRED THEM IS MY JOHNNY TEST. So I will defeat Tony Hawk for killing me and also my lovely wife whose named is Beat-atrice Hawk or Beatle for shortle. Tony Hawk is a fucking monster. He killed thousands. I am fckgin mad. I WILL DEFEAT ANTHONY FRANK HAWK. (authot note: me too).
What is this ominous light that threatens to engulf us? Find out in the next chapter that is right below this sentence!
Chapter 12; Tony of the Stars
Tony Hawk shredded to the planets and he jumped over each planet with grace and vigor and Valium. He jumped past the plumes of Venus, and shredded the Rings of Saturn, until he finally tony hawk pro sk8'd around Pluto. He broke through the fabric of fucking space and the black backdrop broke. He was in heaven. He fucking made it. He ascended to fucking heaven. He was ready for Freddy. Jesus was waiting. So was Mike. It's time. And now, Tonymen.
Chapter 13: Tony Right Back At You!
Tony stepped up the Kingdom of Shred'ven. He was ready for Mike.
"Tony, I've been waiting. I've missed you brother. But I can't let you do that, Starfox." Said Michael Cock. Tony then exclaimed: "FUCK YOU YOU PEACE OF FUCKING SHIT, GO TO HELLA YOU UNCHILL PHIL. TAKE A CHILL PILL!" Tony pumped his valium and charged it in a laser. He charged it for a long time then fired and said: "TAKE A CHILL PILL PHIL!" then it came out of his finger dicks because his fingers were also penises. The diazepam was too much for Mickey, and Mickey died OHOH. Oh yeah Mayro was there. Mike was dead, but could Tony kill Taboo Jesus? Not alone.
Chapter 2014: War has changed.
Tony was fucking DONE. So he called the Smash Bruhs and then got in there Smash Vehicles and Zayum Zaddy'd their way's there! Mayro wasnt fight tho cuz agel. Donkey Kong expanded his dong, but it wasn't enough. Link was a fuckboi, and died anyway. Samus needed orders from Adam, so she couldn't fight Taboo. Kirby was fighting Dededede Kubato-san. Fox was top tier so he was like "fuck you". Pikachu tried his hardest to yiff Taboo, but he failed. Bowser was also a fuckboi. Pit was also an angle. Villaer was gardening the Shr'eden. Mega Man blue bombed his pants on Taboo. Wii Fit Trainer squated on Tamboo. Olimar through his slaves at him. Luigi fucked Taboo. Peach was dead. Toon Link actually did 10% damage because Toon Link is top tier. Sonic also tried to yiff him. Marth countered a lot. Rosalina was a fuckboi as well. Zelda was a meme. Lucario used the force. Litle Mac punched em' out. Diddy Kong was nerfed. Zero Suit Samus is the same person as Samus, so yeah. Shiek is the same person as Zelda, no wait Zelda wasn't a meme she was Shiek. So yeah, Shiek was throwing ninjas at Taboo. T. Yoshisaur Munchakoopas was memeing. Charizard was holographic. Greninja was OP. Ike was fighting for his friends (author note: get it?) Mii Fighters weren't there, they aren't canon. Palutena didn't exist because Jesus exists and it was Taboo Jesus. Pac Man was a fuckboi the forth. Captain Falcon died in volume 4. Robin died... Shulk was also dead. I'm done writing about everyone, so everyone died?
Chapter Flanel-teen: Tony Hawk
Tony Hawk, seeing that all else has failed, with all of his might, put the Evoker to his head one last time to summon his Persona Arto Saari and his Stand Lance Mountain. He then went Tony Hawk Underground form and also Tony Hawk Pro Sk8r 3 form. "I'M SO FLATTERED!" He fused with his Persona and his Stand to make Pro Sk8r 3 Underground Tonaai Hawktain. Tonaai fell all the way back to Earth and became a fallen angel too. He then, at the speed of spund, Tony Hawk Pro Sk8'd all the way back over the planets, diazapam in hands, and landed one last Super Tony Hawk Pro Sk8r 3 Underground SSX3 Tricky Ultra Mega 900 attack. Taboo Jesus Man Bruh was finished; Tonaai had successfully retconned Taboo Jesus from fucking history. Tonaai Hawktain was finished. He callapsed.
Chapter 6teen: Tony... I miss you...
Tony woke up. He was in Carlsbad, California. He was home. He went to his local GAP and bought a GAP sweater. "Ah, San Diego... my old home... gone was the grief of being a hover board hoaxing weeaboo... I am free to live my life not as Tony Hawk, but as... The Birdman. I can be free." Tony bought a bunch of GAP clothing, and became The Boom Boom HuckJam Birdman. Or just The Birdman for short. "I'm not the Tony Hawk Pro Sk8r Carlsbad wants... I'm the Tony Hawk Pro Sk8r Carlsbad needs."
Mario found Tony in an Iowa bar.
"Tony... is that you? Tony, listen to me. We're all born with an expiration date. No one lasts forever. Life is nothing but a grace period - for turning our genetic material into the next generation. The data of life is transferred from parent to child. That's how it works. But we have no heirs, no legacy. Cloned from our father, with the ability to reproduce conveniently engineered out. What is our legacy if we cannot pass the torch? Proof of our existence - a mark of some sort. When the torch is passed on from parent to child... it extends beyond DNA; information is imparted as well. All I want is to be remembered. By other people, by history. I want my memory, my existence to remain. Unlike an intron of history, I will be remembered as an exon. That will be my legacy, my mark on history. We will become... the 'Sons of Shrederty'!"
Tony Hawk only said one word...
"Wat."
We hold these truths to be self shrevident...
To be continued...