Authors Note: Whew, first ST:TOS fanfic ever posted. Don't ask me why, it just sort of happened. Sooo, please review so that I know if I should bury my pen (or rather keyboard) forever or if it isn't that bad. Unbeta'ed, but please mention any mistakes found!
Diclaimer: There are a lot of people who have a claim on these characters or this fictional universe. I'm not one of them.
Summary: The three times McCoy almost touched Spock and the one time he did.
Rating: T for the rather flowery language I tried to make McCoy use.
First time he didn't
It was just at the beginning of their five year mission. Of course, every member of their crew had their health checked just days before their departure, but he insisted that each of them showed up during the first week to introduce themselves. He just wanted to make sure everyone of his assigned was fit enough before they entered no man's land.
Everybody did indeed show up, some a bit nervous, some just annoyed. The last to come was the first officer. He had ignored the three memos McCoy had send him, until the captain had ordered him to go.
McCoy greeted the Vulcan with a raised eyebrow. He hadn't liked the fellow from the second they had been introduced. The lean Vulcan only for a second looked into his eyes, the averted them arrogantly, his greeting nod directed at McCoys shoulder.
He already wore the gloves Starfleet ordered all their medical officers to wear when dealing with a touch-telepath, so that they couldn't follow their medical officers' every thought.
He went through the examination as fast as he could. He had already decided to pay the respect the Vulcan had shown – or not shown –him back in the same manner.
"You're all right. You may go now. Hope I don't see you down here soon."
And he left for his office without even checking if the Vulcan had redonned his shirt and left.
The Vulcan didn't need to know, that he had told every other crewmember the same thing, except that he had added: "….Hope I don't see you down here soon as a patient."
Second time he didn't
"Your bloody pighead be damned, you WILL be treated by me, no matter what mumbo-jumbo about perfect Vulcan health you'll spit at me!" he yelled, in his best southern slang. Everybody in sickbay – except the Vulcan in question of course – tried his best to look innocent and as transparent as possible.
"You're being illogic, as it is your habit, Doctor. I am in no way harmed that could concern you, …"
"DON'T tell me what can and what cannot concern me you stubborn, green-blooded –"
"My apologies Doctor, but I cannot continue this conversation any longer, as my shift started just 1.384 minutes ago. I shall see you in the canteen, I suppose. Good day to you" said the Vulcan and turned around. He just escaped the blue-clad arm that tried to catch him and with a 'swoosh' sickbays' door closed behind him.
"YOU IMPERTINENT, POINTY-EARED BUSY-BODY."
The doctors yell slowly faded in the wake of his first officer.
Third time he didn't
He was sure he hadn't seen something this pathetic in weeks on end. The tall man sat at the table, shoulders hunched, face in his hands. If he hadn't known better, he'd say he was crying.
But he knew him better. Though the fact, that the other man didn't respond to him entering his rooms should have told him something.
"…Spock?" he asked almost timidly. When there was no obvious response, he took two steps forward. Only to be blocked by a voice, coming out of nowhere.
"Leave." He stopped in his tracks.
"No I won't" he answered, surmising it had been Spock who had spoken, taking another timid step towards the dark haired man.
"Leave!"
"I won't!"
Another step. Now the only thing dividing him from his first officer and - admittedly - his friend was the desk, the other man leaned on.
"Doctor Leonard McCoy, if you do not leave my quarters at once, I shall report you to Starfleet immediately, accusing you of taking personal advantage of your medical override codes. I wish to be left alone as I have every right to be."
Not even Spock could have made himself believe, that he had used his accustomed unemotional voice. Usually McCoy would have jumped at this opportunity to prove to the Vulcan that he had indeed the ability to feel deep inside of him, but the extreme display of stress on the man's part prevented his usual behaviour.
The Vulcan turned his chair around, facing the wall behind his desk; a clear sign of his dismissal.
The doctor hesitated for a second, knowing that 'threat' the Vulcan had just uttered came as close to a slap in the face as the other would ever go.
Nevertheless, he reached out his hand; planning to place it comfortingly on the other mans shoulder.
First officer Spock shot upwards, spun around and shoved his hands at his CMOs chest.
McCoy stumbled wide-eyedly backwards. When he regained his balance, he turned around slowly, shooting the other man a last look. The Vulcan didn't see it though, having resumed his original position at the desk, face in hands.
The one time he touched him and all that ensued
They were on just another mission exploring a planet. He, Sulu and Spock each led a team of several scientists, as the planet was not inhabited and no danger was suspected. They were just mapping the planet and checking, if any of the plants they discovered might obtain any healing properties. He quite enjoyed the task at hand; being able to stroll through nature was relaxing after the past weeks of strenuous work.
"Doctor McCoy, you must immediately come over here, Commander Spock has been wounded severely. We have no medical officer in our team. Come quick!"
The voice of Ensign Johnson woke his mind out of his peaceful reverie.
"McCoy to enterprise, Spock is injured. Beam down standard medical kit one." he shouted into his communicator, gritting his teeth, already running towards the coordinates of the others
The first sight after arriving he got would always be burned into his mind, choking him awake at night or rendering him frozen every time he thought of it. Everything and everybody he saw was green. Green, like in green Vulcan blood! He stumbled over to where four people were gathering around a body on the ground.
He shoved them aside, gasping at the sight in front of him: Spock lay writhing on the floor, blood oozing from various cuts all over his face and seemingly from under his clothes. He fell down beside his friend, ripped out his medical tricorder, shouting orders to the others.
"Arrange beam-up to sickbay, alert my staff. Johnson, arrange transport for all other teams back to ship, report to the captain what has happened. What HAS happened at all?" He shouted, frantically scanning Spock for strange signs, all the while finding nothing.
"He, he hast just been scanning over there, when he suddenly fell down, and he started to, to twist and turn and bleed!" almost sobbed the young ensign, eyes fixed at her officer.
"We ran to his side, but every time we touch him, he cries out as if in pain. He hasn't opened his eyes ones, but we couldn't check if he's conscious or not, he shouted so loud every time we tried. Oh Doctor can you held him?"
McCoy didn't answer but double-checked the readings on his medcorder. The he threw the thing aside, grabbing the Vulcan at his shoulders. The cry of his friend almost ripped his ear-drum apart. He let go as if burned, snapping open his communicator instead.
"What's taking so long, Enterprise? Beam us up! Sickbay get ready for Vulcan blood transfer!" he snarled, his eyes never leaving Spock.
"Get ready for beaming" rang a bodiless voice out of the communicator, then McCoy felt himself being immaterialized next to his suffering friend.
As soon as they appeared in sickbay, everyone rushed to his side and he started yelling orders again.
"Get him to the bed; get off his clothes, careful not to touch him, cut him free of them! Install anti-gravity-field beneath him, the bed seems to hurt him too, get away, I need to investigate, Chapel, we need the transfusion now!"
Time seemed to speed up and slow down at the same time. He seemed to stand beside himself, watching, as he tried and tried to stop the agonized cries of his friend.
The anti-gravity-field seemed to help and Spock stopped crying when no one touched him, only wheezing a little now and then, probably due to the small piece of cloth they had left at his middle to ensure him some shred of dignity.
At least, the blood transfusion seemed to work, once they had succeeded in sealing the gashes all over the Vulcan's body. The readings on the biocom above the bed got up, signalizing that their patient was stable now, if still unconscious.
The next few hours found McCoy watching the Vulcan closely while researching any possible cause of his injuries, or placating a nervously pacing Kirk, who wouldn't leave, until he was promised that he would be summoned the instant that anything regarding Spock's condition would change.
When he was finally left alone by everyone, as gamma shift began and even the emergency nurse had retreated to the ready room, McCoy stood up, flexing his acing body. He sighed exasperatedly, due to the fact that he didn't even find a hint of what could have affected Spock like that.
He allowed himself a short moment of meditation. Oh how he wished he could help Spock and shield him from any future risks. He really had grown to care for this damnable beautiful – Len, make that bothersome! - man.
He moved to sit beside Spock, watching the constant but faint heaving of his chest. He didn't even know why his friend hadn't woken up until now. He wasn't sedated or something similar, he seemed to be just sleeping. But he should have regained consciousness until now. Following a sudden inspiration, he reached for Spock's hand, taking it in both of his'.
"Spock? Can you hear me?" he whispered.
"How can I help you? I need to know if there is anything I can do…There's nothing to be found in the databases, nowhere I looked. Heck, I even searched the few Klingon references we have, just to look if they ever tortured a Vulcan in a state quite like yours. Nothing! Come on you stubborn elf, help me!" he almost pleaded; squeezing the other man's hand, all the while feeling utterly lost and alone.
God knows I have a knack for falling for the wrong persons, he finally amended, rubbing his tired eyes, as he reluctantly let go of the Vulcan's hand.
And He or She has a nasty sense of humour, making it a Vulcan this time… was his last thought, before he fell asleep in his chair.
In the short while he was conscious again, he felt he was being lowered onto a bunk, which was strange, because he hadn't been carried since he was a lad of twelve years. But he was too far gone to really bother, he felt safe and warm and fell back into a thankfully dreamless sleep.
The next time he came round, he awoke blinking softly, trying to adjust to the low lights of sickbay, that indicated that the new day aboard the enterprise had not started without him. He sat up, still a bit dazed, when he saw Spock, fully dressed again, rounding the corner of his office with two steaming cups in his hands.
He was up in a split second.
"What'cha think you're doing, up and around? You should be resting you lucky old bastard" he exclaimed angrily, though unable to repress the gratitude that flowed through him at the sight of his dear friend.
"Well I thought you could use some strong tea when you awake, doctor. Yesterday's events seemed to have exhausted you, so I reasoned that you should be the one of us to rest properly" the Vulcan replied, cocking his eyebrows in the way he knew enraged the doctor most efficiently.
"Why, you…" was all McCoy could think of saying. Instead of continuing he took the cup the other man offered, accidently brushing his fingertips. The Vulcan flinched at the physical contact.
"I'm sorry" muttered McCoy, blowing at his tea for something better to do than frown sadly.
"Not at all doctor. I was only unused to the intensity of your relief regarding my recovery, that is all."
McCoy laughed mirthlessly, his happiness about his friends' recovery being drowned by a sudden melancholy. His emotions all seemed to tumble together inside of him, relief, bliss, sadness, loneliness, anger, exhaustion, not one of the making any sense to him. He tried desperately not to get lost inside himself.
"So how'd you do it? Some ancient Vulcan magic like that eye thing when I thought you blind?" he prompted for something to say.
"No, Leonard" answered Spock. McCoy's head shot up at the unusual addressing, snapping to attention.
"It was you. It is you, all over again, who is keeping me alive."
If he had not known the Vulcan for so long, he would have thought he was making fun of the situation. But of course this couldn't be. Therefore, he turned to the biobed Spock had until recently occupied.
"If giving you a transfusion did the trick than I shan't call myself doctor no more. It couldn't have been that easy"
he said, re-checking yesterday's test of Spock's condition. Only to be interrupted by Spock grabbing his hand and interrupting his inquiries. It was a very unusual gesture for Spock, as he normally avoided all physical contact if possible. McCoy tried very hard not to think of anything the Vulcan shouldn't know of, so as not to make himself more ludicrous than necessary.
"Why should you hide your true feelings, Leonard?" asked Spock softly.
He whipped around, freed his hands and rounded on Spock at once, fury being his only refuge now. The Vulcan couldn't discover his true feelings for him, never!
"Who are you to lecture me about feelings, MR. Spock? As you CMO I order you to get checked by nurse Chapel at once. I'm leaving" he spat and turned on his heels, only to be stopped again, by a Vulcan hand.
"It was your touch that woke me up. This gashes on my body, they are caused by emotions. All of this has already happened to me once, when I was a small boy. I got angry by all the taunting I had to endure, but kept the anger inside of me, as anger is an emotion and therefore unwelcome. But it seems my human half demands at least some attention. My skin ripped all by itself. Last time it was my mother who was able to wake me up again.
Since my childhood, I meditate every time I feel emotions stir. I reflect over them, so they are processed and do not harm me anymore. But it seems that I have chosen to bottle up some emotions concerning you, which I didn't want to acknowledge or inspect any closer. You saw what happened.
I only awoke from the state I have been in after you touched my body and my mind likewise. I felt your concern. I felt your friendship. And how it had grown to be something more. Something that was reflected by me, too.
Leonard. I need you. I only realized how much so, myself. Don't go."
McCoy had been frozen since the beginning of the Vulcan's little speech. It was extraordinary for the man not only to admit to emotions so freely but also to expose some things concerning his childhood. He knew what it had cost Spock to come to terms with all of this and he knew how very difficult it was for him to voice these things. How could he remain apparently indifferent?
But he couldn't turn around to face the Vulcan, being rooted to the spot by the things, he thought he had heard the Vulcan implying. It couldn't be, could it now?
"Mr. Spock? Oh I'm so very glad that you are with us again, we were all so frightened, weren't we, Dr. McCoy? The Captain will be thrilled; I shall call him at once, if you haven't already, Sir…?"
came Nurse Chapels voice bursting through their very private little bubble effectively, causing both men to jump slightly.
With an effort, McCoy turned around to her, not looking at Spock. He sighed inwardly, not knowing if he should be grateful for the disturbance. And it really WAS about time to inform Jim that his best friend was about to recover, Chapel was right. He made for a communication panel.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Later in his cabin, he tried to forget the disturbing conversation he had had with Spock. The Captain had been overjoyed to see his friend and first officer up and awake.
'How did you do it Bones? What was wrong with him?' he had asked.
'The good doctor and I will have to talk it over in a quiet minute, Captain. I am in no immediate danger anymore.' Jim had failed to pick up on "immediate", being untypically unperceptive. But it was admittedly just 400 hours ships time and he only had had 2 hours sleep himself.
Now, McCoy lounged on his bed. He was too worked out to even bother to change; he had only kicked his boots off on the way to bed. But he found not rest. Too tired to get up and get a bottle of Brandy which might bring him some peace, he just lay there on his back, hope and fear battling in his chest.
Had he imagined what Spock had insinuated? But the damn man was Vulcan; he just wanted to explain an illness and wasn't using the correct words. On the other hand, Spock usually knew exactly what he was saying. But when dealing with emotions and conversations about them, he was inexperienced, so maybe he confused some meanings… on and on his mind spun in circles.
When he awoke again, he heard someone rummaging in his living area. Dazed and sleepy, he stumbled out behind the room divider, only to find Spock sitting at his table, nursing a steaming pot of some tea blend and watching the fumes of another steaming pot sitting across from him.
"What the hell-"
"Ah, good morning Doctor. I rang your doorbell but you didn't answer it. The captain sent me to check, why you didn't arrive in sickbay at 0800, so I entered, fearing you were too sick to respond. But after seeing you fast asleep in your bed, I contacted the captain. You are declared unfit for duty until tomorrow, so you have time to recover from yesterday's adventures."
He was still too worn out to process much of what was said. So he just stumbled over to the bathroom.
When he returned from it, feeling much more like himself than before, he was finally able to express his annoyance towards the Vulcan.
"What did you think, breaking into my room-"
"I already told you, the captain instructed me-"
"-making tea and settling the breakfast table like my mom, god bless her soul, you bloody elf?" the doctor rambled on, trying – and failing as always – to stare the Vulcan down.
The addressed man squared his shoulders, as if suppressing a sigh.
"I was concerned about your well-being, Leonard. Even if you were not so important to me, I would ensure the ship's CMO's health. I thought some caffeine in a warm beverage would make you feel better. But what do I know of feelings, as you do not tire to remark" the Vulcan almost scoffed, this time, he sounded really hurt.
McCoy had picked up the notion and felt guilty at once.
"Look, I only…I was just surprised, okay? What do you expect when you just sit in my room as if… well, that is to say…thanks for the coffee", he ended lamely, as he sat down and started to drink the coffee for something better to do than stammer like the love-blind and hopeless fool he was.
He silently wondered what the Vulcan did to him. He had never before felt so vulnerable. Sure, he had always used his anger and irony to cover his insecurity or his pain, but now something was different.
Spock interrupted his train of thoughts by addressing him, again more familiar than ever.
"Leonard, I wanted to apologize for my behaviour yesterday. It seems that you were not in the state to discuss things like this"
Things like what?
"But I meant everything I said."
A-ha. What did you say? More important, what did you mean?
"I really do need you. At least I need to talk to you. If I were to prevent the next occurrence of this rather peculiar illness, you have to help me!"
"Help you with what, Spock? I don't understand half of what you are saying. I didn't even understand yesterday what you were getting at. Explain it, so that even a tired, messed-up country doctor like me can understand you, or leave it be. You know your health concerns me, but when this involves some Vulcan hocus-pocus, say it plain and clear!"
'Your health concerns me', my ass. I nearly died next to his body, out of freight. Who do you want to convince, Lenni-Boy? You love that damn man, and he won't spit out how you can save him, for heaven's sake!
"Leonard, I told you what this illness came from. It was about unheeded emotions-"
"Well, talk about strange conversations, you tellin' me about emotions you usually only deny havin'? What kind of emotions are you talking about?" the doctor interrupted once again.
"Despite your words that you want to hear what this illness is about, you keep interrupting me to a very high degree. But the feelings I'm talking about are of a certain romantic interest."
But the Vulcan seemed reluctant to continue. The doctor was again absorbed by his thoughts.
Romantic. Spock. What I wished for a very long time. And now I have to hear about whom my love-interest is secretly pining for. Talk about a bad day, Len.
The doctor stared miserably at the table.
But he'd rather hear all about Spocks romantic adventures than watch him getting injured like yesterday again, he realized. So he tried to quench the pain and the dread of the upcoming information and forced himself to act more professional.
"Okay Spock, even if I'm declared unfit for duty-" he got a raised eyebrow for this "-your case is a medical emergency. I will help you anyway I can. You know I'm your friend and CMO, everything between you and me will be strictly confidential. So, tell me about that romantic interest of yours."
He looked into the Vulcan's face and steeled himself for the answer.
What followed was the longest yet the happiest moment in McCoys live he could remember until then.
"You should really listen more closely Leonard. I have, after my calculations, already told you thrice, that I love you."
McCoy couldn't prevent his jaw to drop. He stared into the Vulcan's eyes. They seemed to dance with soft laughter.
"Okay, I know most Vulcans don't joke, so please, I'm asking just once, stick to the Vulcan way! This is serious, next time you might be killed. And I couldn't stand that" he added, almost inaudible.
But he forgot the Vulcan sense of hearing, like so many times before.
"I know that, Leonard. It is the reason why I told you all the things about me in sickbay. I told you I felt what you feel through your touch when I was unconscious. It seems I know your heart better than you do, my Leonard. You are as illogical as ever. I would not joke about something this serious."
The Vulcan had knelt down before him during his speech, so he looked now up into McCoy's face.
And what the doctor saw in these dark, dark eyes of the man he cherished above anyone else made him finally believe what his heart had been trying to tell him all the time: that he was lucky, that he hadn't imagined Spocks meaning in sickbay, that he had at last found his other half, his soul mate. The truth sunk into him like a glowing ember into a wall of snow. It seemed to warm him from the inside just as said ember.
When he was finally able to talk again, he muttered:
"I've been so blind! Can you ever forgive me?" He tentatively raised his hand to stroke the other mans eyebrow which was so often raised at an 'illogical' remark made by him. The Vulcan shivered at the contact but leaned into it nevertheless.
"There is no need to feel guilt, Leonard. And yes, this is all true, you are not imagining it."
"Great, what I wanted all the time: a half-Vulcan reading my thoughts, damn this universe for its sense of humour!" he chuckled, but without malice.
His opponent sighed, this time audibly.
"My illogical love. But I would not have you any other way!"
A huge smile spread on McCoys face.
"Say that again!"
"Which part, Leonard?"
"Oh you cocky half-Elf, you know which one! But I admit I rather like the other one, too!"
"My lovely illogical Leonard, are you finally convinced that this is reality?"
McCoy sighed, letting his hand drop from the other ones face, only to have it caught by his hands.
"I'm afraid you will have to convince me every day and every night until the end of my life, darlin'" said Dr. McCoy, CMO of the USS Enterprise as he leaned into the first of many 'human' and 'Vulcan' kisses with the his ships' first officer.
As his friend and long time associate claimed his lips, McCoy surprised him by grasping his hand firmly and he began to stroke it in long, deliberate movements, applying everything he had learned through long and arduous research about Vulcans and some conversations with Dr. M'Benga.
As his actions elicited a surprised moan from Spock which caused him to draw the dark-haired man even nearer to him, he mused about the oh-so-reserved Vulcans, feeling pleasure, desire and everything else just as strong as humans.
Spock drew away from McCoy.
"What is so funny, Leonard?" asked he, slight worry written across his face.
"Nothing dear. It's just that I'm happier than I can ever remember having been!"
"I think I understand what you mean. I find myself to be experiencing the same sentiment."
"Just don't you think you're ever getting out of this again. I screwed up a whole lot of relationships but this time it's for real. I never felt this way before. Like you are the other half of myself…"
"It is called t'hy'la on Vulcan, my Leonard: brother, friend and lover all in one person. Not many Vulcans are so lucky to find the other part of their soul."
"Well, I guess, I can make myself comfortable with at least some of your Vulcan beliefs. But no secret wives anymore, 'kay Spock?" This earned him a raised eyebrow.
"I had no intention to keep our relationship a secret, Leonard" answered his soon-to-be lover innocently.
The CMO stared wide-eyedly at the man in front of him, then grinned wickedly.
"I always knew you had some sense of humour. But I'll get you for this one, believe me…"
where the last coherent words that were uttered for a long time in Dr. McCoy's cabin. Because only moments later, he had taken Spocks index and middle finger in his mouth and was sucking and licking the Vulcan senseless. What followed was the beginning and consuming of a very unusual but a very happy relationship onboard the starship Enterprise that nobody had anticipated but no one begrudged them as soon as everyone knew all of it.
And so they lived happily ever after, come rain, sandstorm, Klingon or Romulan, dispute and reconciliation, service or retirement, pon farr, midlife crisis and all the other things to be encountered where no man has gone before. And beyond.
If you read until here, thanks very much. If not, how did you get down here?