Okaaay

Sooooo

I am publishing this chapter because it's been done for months. Promises were made to publish by a partner but did not result in any change in the original story. So, I am publishing this and any other chapters I decide to write in order to fulfill an earlier agreement that was never completed.

She was nervous. Dreadfully and painfully nervous. But Jane von Schneider was not one to lose her wits under stressful circumstances. She was a von Schneider no longer under the thumb of her brother. Still, the sight of a dead body missing a good chunk of its head is quite disconcerting.

"How's it hanging there Dippy drip?" Bill Cipher chuckled. "I say that because you're bleeding. Lol."

Jane's countenance remained unchanged. She was a stoic's dream manifested in reality. Her legs showed the stability of 100 tiny and shivering Chihuahuas.

'Who is this freak?' Jane thought to herself. 'How did he just do that with his hand to Dipper's head?'

"Whoah there sister you look a little tense. I guess you would be after seeing this hot mess turning into a literal hot mess."

At that precise moment Dipper's mutilated body decided to ignite into a burgeoning black bonfire.

"Ay carumba. Looks like I spoke too soon."

Bill laughed his terrible otherworldly laugh. To Jane, it sounded like there were multiple voices coming out of his mouth. "I have to get out of here." Jane took one calm and collected step to the door to the hallway before grabbing the door handle and jerking it in every direction.

"He hehehe. Here let me help you with that since you find my jokes that bad."

And with that Bill floated, not walked, towards her. Jane stared in disbelief at this new development to the already absurd scene. Dipper dead, Dipper's head gone, Dipper doing magic tricks, Dipper's burning body smelling like rotten, 5 day old, pork meat, and a facetious, handsome blonde dude floating towards her to open the door. It was then and there that Jane came to an enlightened state where she could make the only rational conclusion about the situation.

"Wait, I get it now. I'm being punked."

"Right." Bill said, exaggerating the vowel sound. "There I dids it."

"Thank you." Jane soon regretted that statement when she found that the doorknob was not only still locked but glowing as well.

"That didn't do anything." She stared blankly at Bill.

"Oh but it did. You see I unlocked the door with magic then I put on an even stronger spell to lock the door."

"Uh-huh?" Jane waved her hands above Bill's top hat.

"There are no wires keeping you in the air like that is there?"

"Nope."

Jane glanced at the pile of burning flesh that was once Dipper. Her face was blank.

"Dipper's really dead. Isn't he?"

"Yep. Give him a few minutes. He'll be fine. I do this often enough to him that he doesn't mind anymore."

"Who are you again?"

"I am…" Bill said in a husky masculine voice. "The guy who saved your life." A pair of sunglasses mysteriously appeared on his face. "I'm also the guy who put that cursed mark on your hand. I have these sunglasses on not because they make me look cool but because that cursed mark is starting to go into high beam mode."

Jane didn't need to look at her hand. The brightness from her hand was visible enough already from her peripheral vision.

"And your name is?"

"Bill Cipher at your service." He said, bowing with his top hat off to reveal a screaming disembodied head. "Hehe. Forgot to put that away."

Jane looked at Bill's creepy smiling visage and bloody hand. The very hand that had killed Dipper and was dripping with real human blood. Then she looked at Dipper's burning corpse. The horrid odor of burning hair was gone to be replaced by a stronger smell of burning pork. She wondered off handedly why the smoke alarms or sprinkler system hadn't gone off yet.

Glad that she had finally gotten a decent enough explanation, Jane heaved a sigh of relief and, once again, calmly turned towards the door.

"Somebody help me. I'm trapped inside a locked room with a fire and a homicidal maniac named Bill Cipher." Jane was screaming at the top of her lungs while fist banging the world's sturdiest and most magically enchanted door.

"That's enough of that silly buns." A cane pulled Jane by the shoulder and towards Bill. "Come. Sit with me and warm up near the campfire." She assumed he meant Dipper's burning corpse and not the fireplace. "Here we can even toast some s'mores like those happy people in infomercials." With a flick of Bill's wrist, the chairs in the room rearranged themselvesto form a circle around the fire. Soon afterwards a bag of Kushies chocolate, Fatty Mcfat marshmallows and Hearty-O crackers dropped onto one of the chairs.

Jane very slowly and cautiously did as she was told and sat on one of the chairs, hands clenched in her lap.

"See. I'm okay. You're okay. No one is gonna die. I just wanna have a little chat." He said as he deposited his floating body onto a chair next to her. Millions of thoughts were spiraling out of control in Jane's mind. Who was this loquacious and enigmatic man? Was this still part of an actor was this all for real? Furthermore, how does one roast s'mores without sticks?

"Nothing like a good'ol campfire to livin up the nerves and enjoy s'mores around." Bill assembled the ingredients for one s'more in one of his black gloved hands and shoved it in the fire. It quickly caught fire. "Here you go. I think you need this more than I do."

"No thank you." Jane said, shying away from the black flames that engulfed the sweet treat.

"Suit yourself. I'm gonna eat this like a person." Bill began scarfing down the flaming s'more, laughing while he did so. "Pain is hilarious."

Jane tried not to stare at Bill's soot covered face.

"So you're probably wondering why a handsome guy like this can be so amazing and even bother to show up to save a ditsy blonde like you."

"No." Jane said flatly.

"Well you should be."

"I mean…" He took another s'more and shoved it into the fire with his gloved hand. "Man he makes a great campfire s'more."

Jane glared at him.

"Lemme guess. You're staring at me because I'm the only one eating s'mores. Here have a chocolate. They're the best chocolate 50 cents can always buy."

"I don't want any of your gross chocolate."

"Geez. Touchy. Just like your brother."

Jane sat ramrod straight. "How do you know my brother?"

"He is an associate of mine. He meets and services a certain need that I require. It's complicated but if you've ever seen the movie Misery by Steven Queen and Fifty Shades of White then you'll understand."

Jane thought about it for a moment in her traumatized mess of a brain. She hadn't seen that many movies to being with. The last movie she saw was An American Werewolf in Paris.

"Does this mean he's sad and has a girlfriend or he's away with you?"

"Yes." Bill Cipher registered Jane's confused expression and clarified. "Let's just say your brother is in a better place." He began licking the melted chocolate off of one of his gloved hands.

"Let me tell you how things really work, okay? You see, a guy like me-"

"A freak?"

"A devilishly handsome freak." Bill corrected her. "Chooses to make certain deals with people like him." He gestured towards the fire. "The deals usually involve fixing a problem that the person has and in return I receive a tribute of some kind and/or favor. You know what I'm saying?"

"I think so. These favors and tributes you get," Jane said, trying her best not to stammer. "What are they exactly?"

"Entertainment as my closest friend for a set period of time or gold."

"Okay then." It was Jane's turn to sit there in disbelief. Whoever or whatever Bill Cipher was, he was clearly someone either involved with organized crime, a psychopath or an escaped insane asylum prisoner with a background in stage magic. Maybe even fake blonde hair.

"And before you ask, this is my natural hair. So if I act like I'm blonde, it's because I'm being blonde. I can read your thoughts."

Jane assumed that twitching on his face behind his sunglasses meant he was winking. She disregarded that statement as nothing more than masculine bravado. Despite the man's exaggerated attempts at pacifying Jane, she still felt uneasy around Bill. Here she was roasting s'mores using the maybe burning corpse of Dipper. With every word leaving his mouth about his profession Jane felt more and more like he was a man she couldn't trust.

"These arrangements you make with people…" Jane said amidst the noise of Bill shoveling even more flaming s'mores into his face. "Does this mean you've fixed the Northwest's and Dipper's problems?"

Bill let out a loud choco-flavored belch. "Normally I don't disclose the problems fixed among other clients but since you're a related party and direct recipient of the fixed benefits I'll let it slide. Yes I have fixed problems for those two interested parties. As per the agreements set out in that fix I am duty bound to protect you from all harm as signified by that seal. Speaking of which, let me tone that down for you." He snapped his fingers and the brightness that had been assaulting their eyes from Jane's glowing hand vanished. "Woo. Sometimes I don't know my own strength." He blew on his fingers to dissipate the imaginary smoke.

Meanwhile, Jane sat stone faced at her chair. It was one thing to have Dipper as her protector and another entirely to have this nutjob mutilating people's heads every time someone tried to harm her.

"What exactly is or was your relationship to Dipper?"

"A client who is currently serving out the conditions of his contract. I don't like going into detail about other people's deals." He said whilst burning s'more crumbs into blacked ash on his hand. "But let's just say ever since I've helped him out of a certain bind, he's been like a son to me, him and all the other people I've helped."

When Jane chanced a look at Bill she was expecting something akin to nostalgia. What she found was desolation, like he was looking at the wastelands of a battlefield.

"Well." Bill said, springing to his feet. "That's all the time I have." A bright white light manifested in a corner of the room. Remember. Reality is an illusion, Dipper is not what he seems." As he said these words, Bill began floating towards the light. "Buy silver. Byyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye!" The light grew until it blinded Jane. It took a few moments of eye rubbing and stumbling before she regained her senses. She got it back just before tripping over something soft and warm.

Agitated groans came from the thing she had tripped over. When Jane finally opened her eyes, she saw that the room was back in order.

The chairs and tables had all gone back to where they once were. The laptop with its offending material was where it was. Once more, Jane could breathe the air of a clear room instead of one filled with acrid smoke. She could also see that she had tripped over Dipper's half naked body and was currently straddling him.

Ever so slowly, Dipper also came to and opened his eyes. As Dipper took in the state of the room, the absence of anyone else and the way his body was oriented with Jane, he sighed.

"Jane, if you allow things to go in the direction I think you want it to go I must confess that I am above granting leniency for sexual favors." A righteous smack came crashing down on Dipper's cheek. "Nor am I into S & M play." He grabbed the hand that had struck his face. "Still I suppose your smacks hurt more than your punches. FYI I'm more of an S-type character."

It was no use. Dipper's man hands had Jane's wrist in a vice-like grip.

"Now where were we? Oh yes." Dipper pulled Jane closer to himself so that he could have ready access to her head. "Just let this happen, Jane. It'll all be over soon." He caressed Jane's right cheek, letting her blonde locks fall between his fingers. As he applied pressure to Jane's temples, he readied the energies within himself, preparing to apply the minimum amount to wipe, not destroy, her most recent memories.

"If you don't want to be reduced to a headless corpse again, then I suggest you let go of me or else Bill is gonna come back and have another go at you."

Dipper's body froze at that. "How do you know that name? Was he the one who interrupted me?"

As if in answer to his questioning, Jane's hand began to glow again. Dipper recognized that accursed eye of providence symbol. He also realized what would happen again if it continued to glow like that.

'It seems the deal I made earlier is working quite well,' Dipper thought to himself.

He had made many deals with Bill Cipher; this was by far the third most troublesome.

"That damn demon," Dipper muttered to himself.

"Let go of me already." Jane tried freeing herself by pushing off of Dipper's rock hard pectorals, but to no avail. All that did was pivot more force from Jane to Dipper's crotch.

"Apologies Jane," Dipper said, ignoring the awkward position they were putting themselves further into. "Perhaps I am being too physical." He released Jane's hand.

"I don't even know who you are anymore." She began pulverizing Dipper's chest, or at least attempted to. "You're a cruel and evil man, just like my brother." She beat the words into him. "You hold people against their will. Torture them and use magic. I don't know." Jane planted a righteous haymaker onto Dipper's left temple. "Who is Bill and what is going on?!" She pleaded through eyes about to burst into tears. "Just what are you?"

Once again Dipper sighed. He had been through experiences like these with women before, minus the cowgirl position.

While he hated generalizing women, Dipper knew from first-hand experience that once you made a lady cry you had the option of either getting out the way or giving her what she wanted and then move out the way. Given the situation he was in, the presence of uninvited guests and the damage Jane could do to Dipper's reputation with these new revelations about him and Bill Cipher, it was time to fold.

"Alright, Jane. I will do as you ask."

Jane steadied her breath, panting from the exertion she had spent physically venting her anger.

"But first, I will require you to get off of me. My underwear is quite burnt and your bucking hips have only made things loose down there. If this continues then I'm afraid I will be too indecent to dress myself in front of you."

At that exact moment, a very loud knocking came from the door. "Housekeeping. Is anyone here?" It opened to reveal a Spanish looking maid with a vacuum cleaner at the ready. The gray haired Spaniard stood frozen, taking in the sight of one half naked male on the floor, his expression: annoyed, and one Jane von Schneider looking like she had seen the gates to heaven open.

"I come back later. Please continue." The door closed and with it came the sound of paper rattling. Most likely the application of a very large "Do Not Disturb" sign. Things became deathly silent after that. A pin dropped from one of the closets in Dipper's room. It was far too loud.

Jane screamed, "Wait! It's not what you think! I nee-"

"If you don't wanna be labeled as the woman who was caught sexually harassing a Northwest butler," Dipper said, his hand clasping her mouth. "And not know anything about what is going on then you will keep your mouth shut. Nod your head once to let me know you understand."

Now the situation was really spiraling out of control. Dipper was literally caught with his pants down, or rather burned off. Guests were not being tended to, an implacable girl had to be pacified and/or blackmailed from spilling the beans and his reputations was just moments away from being flushed down the toilet.

'It's a butler's worst nightmare,' Dipper thought to himself.

"I'm terribly sorry to inconvenience you again Jane, but…" Dipper raised his hand and a white handkerchief flew to it. Jane, sensing another restraining was coming, ducked her head and clutched herself to Dipper's chest. "Relax. You're not being harassed by magic again. I just want you to wear this around your head so you don't see me in an indecorous light."

Like a rabbit coming out of its den, Jane raised her face out of hiding. She was beet red. From anger or embarrassment, Dipper couldn't tell.

Jane snatched the cloth from his hands and quickly tied it around her eyes. "You're worse than my brother. You're both cruel and disgusting perverts."

On unsteady legs, Jane picked herself off of Dipper and onto her two feet. Dipper followed suit and walked over to the lone closet in the room.

"You're one to talk. Sneaking into a butler's private quarters without permission, accessing my computer's internet search history, engaging in S & M play whilst in the cowgirl position," Dipper scoffed. "How shameless."

In a fit of rage, Jane yanked the handkerchief off and turned to face her accuser.

"I'm not a peeping Tom."

"Now you are." Dipper said as he pulled on a new pair of underwear.

"Don't just stand there. Turn around." Dipper said, without taking his eyes off the pair of clean suit pants he had chosen from the closet.

She did as she was told and regretted ever falling for such an indecent man. 'It's nothing I haven't seen already. It's nothing I haven't seen already.'

"Right, I am adequately clothed now. You may turn around now."

Jane heaved a sigh of relief.

"Now, first things first, to save my reputation." Dipper clapped his hands together and out from his sleeves flew black smoke. In an instant, the smoke had covered him then vanished, taking Dipper along with it. The only thing left was the smell of rotting meat.

"So that's where it's been coming from," Jane choked out. 'I always thought it was just someone passing gas.'

Much later

Pacifica yawned. "Did I miss anything while I was asleep?"

"Not much." Dipper replied as he buttered Pacifica's bread. "There were some unwanted guests at the door awhile ago but I sent them away."

Jane glared at the two of them from across the table. The urge to tell Pacifica everything that had transpired in Dipper's room was like a great rock within her heart. Unfortunately, she would have to hold her tongue lest certain details of the encounter slip up. In the end, Dipper had managed to convince her that no one would believe such a, as he put it, "phantasmagorical story" without proof. Even if she did try to reveal the truth to someone, the results would always meet the same unsatisfactory end.

"Hola, Mr. Dipper, how are you this evening?" said a very dazed and Hispanic-looking maid walking through the small dining room. There were two things off about her: The first was that maids don't usually stumble into dining rooms if they aren't serving anything. The second peculiarity about her was that her hairstyle looked like it belonged to the bride of Frankenstein. After Dipper had zapped her brains a couple of times to wipe the memory of Jane straddling Dipper on the floor of his bedroom, Jane had learned that her name was Maria.

"Fine, thank you. I hope my living quarters weren't too dirty for you," Dipper said.

"No. I go vacuum my face now."

When Maria the maid had gotten out of earshot, Pacifica snorted.

"Pacifica, what seems to be so funny?"

"Oh nothing." She replied, wiping off the bit of saliva that had trickled down her lip. "Has that maid always worn that freakish hairstyle?"

"That may have been due to a vacuuming accident involving a frayed wire and some electrostatic discharge."

"And how many accidents with the vacuum's electrical cord did she have exactly?" She giggled.

"I lost count. People can be so clumsy sometimes in other people's rooms. Am I right, Jane?"

Pacifica raised her eyebrow at that.

"Oh? Jane, what were you up to today while I was asleep?"

"Helping Dipper out with getting rid of the unwanted guests." Jane said in a meek whisper. Fortunately, Pacifica had good ears.

"Eh? They were that troublesome that you needed help?"

"Naturally not. But with Jane's assistance, it made things run much more smoothly," Dipper chimed in.

"That's so nice of you Jane. Thank you."

'I'm glad you slept well. Little miss perky,' Jane thought to herself.

"I simply had to acquiesce to her request for assisting me. I mean she was very physical about it."

Jane gave Dipper the stink eye. 'I swear I'm going to throw this knife at you Dipper.'

Physical is a very broad term meaning contact was necessary to produce results. In this case, physical meant Jane had helped load two screaming guys into the trunk of a car being driven by a bunch of Slavic speaking dudes. A few kicks were thrown in to stuff the duo in the back but beyond that nothing breaching the borders of physical into violence.

Involving Slavic help with the disposal of the intruders was not Dipper's first thought. Incinerating their bodies in a raging black fire and reducing them to ashes was the best choice in his mind. However, Jane had pleaded for their lives too ferociously and coerced Dipper into releasing them to a more merciful fate with their bodies intact.

"I have to ask Jane. I know it must have been tough leaving your brother under the circumstances that he put you through up until recently. Do you feel welcome in the mansion?"

"What do you mean?"

"Does it feel like a home? I want you to know that you are under no obligations while you stay here and you may consider yourself a guest of the Northwest family for as long as you like."

"Thank you Pacifica. It feels just like home." 'My old home.'

Dipper smiled as he refilled Pacifica's glass.

Soooo. What did you think? Should I keep writing? Should I stop? Leave your reviews and we'll see how far this goes. In the meantime, I'm gonna eat some polenta with saut(e')d mushrooms and Gruyere cheese. It tastes like El Dorado!