Ashildr rarely feels sad but it does happen, sometimes everything is too overwhelming. Tonight is one of those nights, her chest feels heavy and her mind is racing with flashes of lives that she can barely remember. For a while she tries to block it out, tries to focus on Clara's arms that are wrapped tightly around her and she watches her sleeping for a while. She's too lucky, far too lucky. She does not deserve Clara Oswald for many reasons, she is such a beautiful person. Ashildr plays with the ends of Clara's hair and listens to her soft breaths but it doesn't work, Ashildr sighs and moves Clara's arms off her and leaves the bedroom. She doesn't know what to do now, she really doesn't want to completely breakdown because it's dangerous. When she feels pain, she feels extreme pain. When she starts crying she doesn't know that she'll ever stop, she does not need that kind of breakdown around Clara. She doesn't really know what to do, Clara has designed the Tardis with a lot of entertainment but she doesn't really think any of them would help her. Perhaps a swim. She tiptoes back into their bedroom to retrieve a dressing gown for later, she steals two of Clara's cigarettes and her lighter from the bedside table and places them in the dressing gown pocket.
Ashildr dips her toes into the water, it's lovely and warm. The idea to get underwater heating was definitely a good one. She slips into the water and swims underwater, it's odd but she's always preferred swimming under water, she's always been good at holding her breath. She contemplates rapidly swimming for a while to tire herself out, she just wants to sleep. She just wants to go back to Clara and cuddle into her but she can't do that yet. Her mind still feels a bit dangerous and it's a mistake to even think about Clara when she's in this mood.
Why is Clara even with her ? She thrashes the water in anger, she's angry at herself for too much. She's angry at herself for the murders that she's committed, the ones that plague her mind in moods like this. She's angry at herself for being so bitter, even though she can't really help that, it was the Doctor's fault after all. She's angry for even thinking about everyone that she's lost, well those that she can remember and she's thinking about Clara. Poor Clara, it was her fault that she was in this state in the first place, Clara seemed happy enough but every now and again she catches her looking quite sad and she knows that Clara is thinking about the Doctor. Times like this, Ashildr thinks too much about Clara and how much she loves her already and how she knows that Clara will never love her in the same way, her heart will always belong to the Doctor or Danny, never fully to her.
She runs her fingers through the water and contemplates cutting herself. For some reason she likes to see blood run through the water, it's from the part of her that's insane. She thinks that she's always been insane, Clara tells her that she was an imaginative viking girl, so full of stories and every now and again Ashildr remembers. She remembers people talking about her, people calling her odd and even her father did, god what would he think about her now ? She shivers and decides now is a good time to get out, before she does something she'll regret. She cant be bothered to dry herself, she just wraps herself in her dressing gown and walks into the library, Clara's favourite room. Ashildr wasn't coming here to read, the room had a comfortable sofa and a warm fire.
She was the only one who could comfort herself, she plays with the ends of her hair and puts an arm over her stomach, attempting to provide more warmth. She takes the cigarette out of her pocket, lights it and then takes a large puff of it. She doesn't smoke that often, only in these kind of moods, it helps her to feel calm. She's always found that they work better than alcohol, alcohol makes the thoughts in her head even louder and elicit more anger from her.
" So this is where you've gone ?" Ashildr looks up to see Clara leaning against the door frame.
" Can't sleep ?" She asks and Ashildr shakes her head and blows out more smoke.
" You're smoking ?" Clara frowns.
" You never smoke" Ashildr just shrugs, Clara sighs and sits down next to her. She tucks her knees to her chest and puts her arm around Ashildrs shoulders. Ashildr smiles weakly and rests her head back against Clara's arm. Clara strokes her fingers down her cheek.
" What's the matter ?" Ashildr sighs and shakes her head, she couldn't talk about it. Not to Clara, not to anyone. She couldn't find the will to speak either, she felt close to crying and she felt like speaking would push her over the edge.
" You're wet" Clara states as she runs her fingers through Ashildrs hair.
" Went swimming" Ashildr forces out.
" Why ?" Clara asks and Ashildr shrugs again.
" It's weird seeing you like this, you normally never shut up" Ashildr smiles and grips Clara's hand.
" It's alright, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere" Ashildr feels like she owes Clara some kind of explanation, she was acting strangely after all.
" Head hurts"
" OK, in what way ?" Ashildr shakes her head again, she could barely get a grasp on the flashes of her life that was running through her head, she certainly didn't know how to tell Clara. She sighs as a tear rolls down her face, she'd lost the battle again. Clara drops her knees and allows Ashildr to cuddle against her chest as she cries.
" I've lived too long Clara" She says weakly, Clara doesnt know what to say. She just kisses the top of Ashildr's head and rubs her back.
" Do you want to talk about anything ?" A fresh set of tears spring from Ashildrs eyes.
" I'm sorry"
" For what ?"
" For me, you deserve so much more"
" Oh shh, we've all done bad things Ashildr. Don't fill up your head with stupid things like that" Clara kisses her forehead and runs her finger gently under both of Ashildrs eyes.
" These look tired" Ashildr shakes her head.
" No ? You don't want to sleep. You don't have to be scared of me you know, you can tell me anything. I won't judge"
" I know, it's not that. I just can't describe this Clara, I don't understand it myself. I'm just seeing and remembering flashes of my life "
" Distract yourself, think about me and us"
" Not much better"
" Why not ?"
" I'm in a sad mood, my head is making what I think about turn sad"
" But what's sad about you and me ?"
" It doesn't matter Clara" Ashildr shakes her head dismissively.
" Ash, tell me" Clara says softly.
" I don't think you love me properly and you don't have to Clara, you really don't"
" Why do you think that ?"
" You still think about him and you loved Danny before me. It's fine Clara, really. It's ok"
" Come on" Clara takes Ashildrs hand and stands up.
" Let's go to bed, you are tired, even if you won't admit it" Ashildr allows Clara to lead her back into their bedroom. She is tired, she just doesn't want to sleep right now because she's sure she'll have a dream about one of her lives.
" Ashildr, you have loved more than one person in your life. Correct ?" Ashildr nods.
" So why exactly do you think I can't love you ?"
" It's not just that Clara, I've done terrible things and I was responsible for your death and the separation of you and the Doctor"
" No you weren't, not for my death. I was responsible for my death, you told the Doctor that"
" I was lying"
" Well you were right anyway and if me and the Doctor are so dangerous together that we have to be separated then so be it. I mean it's not okay and I'm not happy with it but it's not your fault. Now cuddles and close your eyes" Clara wraps her arms back around Ashildrs waist and kisses the top of her head.
" It doesn't fade just like that Clara"
" I know, believe me I know but you sat on your own thinking about it isn't going to make it fade away either is it ?" Ashildr shrugs.
" I guess not"
" Oh and, I definitely do love you" Clara tilts her head against Ashildrs and places several kisses on her forehead.
" I don't understand how you can" Ashildr says weakly, there are more tears behind her eyes but she's determined not to let them fall now. She just needs to get herself in the right mindset to sleep.
" Well you don't have to understand it, just accept it" Ashildr smiles.
" You're beautiful by the way, I don't think I tell you that often enough"
" You don't have to tell me that"
" I want to" Clara begins to run her finger up and down Ashildrs arm, it was calming and she hoped it would help to send Ashildr to sleep. It seemed to be working, her eyes were now mostly closed, Ashildr just kept blinking to keep them open.
" Clara, my Clara" She basically whispers before holding Clara's hand and placing them both on her stomach.
" Thank you"