"Edward? Why does it hurt here?" The creature, half-child, half-dog, croaked in a strained voice; its empty eyes looked up at its creator, almost accusingly. It opened its mouth once more. "Daddy?"
Suddenly Shou Tucker was blinking away visions of the chimera, its pale peach skin, long dark hair, and emotionless yet somehow pained, haunting face now replaced by the speckles of sunlight filtering into his room through the blinds and curtains. He was alive to see another day, and as he was told, it was likely one of his last. Already he could tell it was a pleasant, mild summer's day; yet this fact brought no warmth into his heart. Despite the beautiful sunshine, heat, and the humidity, he felt cold and devoid of any other sensation except the breathtaking emptiness he had awoken to. There was no light, despite the sun, and no joy. Not here. Not anymore. Not since he'd done the unthinkable. Not since he'd put out the one last light in his life. When he'd fused his lovely, life-filled daughter with their devoted, lovable dog, all the love and life he had left was drained from him. Not immediately, although just as soon as he'd clapped his hands together and done the deed he couldn't deny the tremendous doubt that struck down to his very core.
This wasn't the first time he'd awoken to this, regardless of how repetitively he told himself that it had been necessary at the time. There had been seemingly no other way. In order to stay in his mansion and continue his research, continue doing what he loved, he had to make a sacrifice. Equivalent exchange, that's what alchemy was all about. But as he sat in solitude, confined to his own home, alone, enveloped by darkness, he missed her. More than just at the time, and more than just her; he missed his wife as well, who he'd 'lost' in a similar bio-alchemy experiment just two years before. It seemed so long ago now. The wound had already begun to fade, especially due to his immersion into his research, but it had surely left a scar on his heart. She wasn't something he could forget so easily, despite his stone-cold expression and seeming lack of emotion. But now, their happiness, his memories, none of it seemed real. They weren't even just faint memories; it was something different. No, not like a dream... They just didn't feel like they belonged to him at all. How could someone so…cruel, so dark, ever have had such joy? He even missed Alexander. He missed the habits he'd grown accustomed to through taking care of him, and the undying devotion of the dog.
But most of all, Shou missed himself. He had gotten so immersed in his research he forgot about what really mattered. Sure, without the funding he'd have nothing, no State Alchemist license, no money, and no home. And without that he'd be unable to continue with his life's work in alchemy, unable to continue doing what he loved. It would feel like he had nothing, or so he'd thought. But now he was alone. He was a widower, childless, companionless, and all by his own hands. His own selfishness had caused him to still, despite his efforts, become an absolute waste of space. He had nothing, and he was nothing.
Shou arose from his bed, eyes glued to the floor. He ached for something, for the presence of another human, or just something, the warmth of companionship. He longed for a "Good morning, daddy!" and an affectionate lick from the ever-present pup at his daughter's side. He longed for love, and something to love him in return. He felt the emptiness resonating in his large home, settling into his very being even.
In the end, his state alchemist license was revoked, his research unfunded, and his home no longer his. His family was gone, his wife dead, and his daughter taken off to be experimented on. Soon, he'd be dead as well, killed as punishment for his sacrilege.
He'd always been on the quiet side, and not so eager to show affection. But at least then he'd felt human. Now, he felt nothing.
An image popped into his head. No, not an image, not something unreal simply conjured up by his subconscious. It was a memory. It was one of those memories that came to you on rainy days, when all seemed dull and gloomy. It was Nina, Nina with her long brown braids, sparkling bright green eyes, and a smile full of baby teeth; the perfect picture of childish innocence. Alexander was beside her, tail wagging, tongue lolling, bouncing back and forth on paws nearly as big as his master's head, his very core just howling with loyalty and affection. They were standing outside, forest green grass beneath them, paired with a beautiful clear, blue sky. A day just like today.
"Daddy! Come play with us!" Nina squealed, outstretching her hand to him.
"I'll bring you back, Nina, darling." He whispered, still staring at the wooden floor of his bedroom.
Equivalent exchange was one of the greatest laws of alchemy. And Shou now knew well enough that what he'd done just wasn't worth it.