He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly a few times. Nervous probably wasn't the right word to describe his current status, not even scared. Frightened, maybe. Terrified came definitely closer to his real feelings. The funny thing was that he didn't know where all of this was coming from: he had never been more sure about anything else in his entire life. And yet, here he was, standing at the end of the aisle in a midnight blue tuxedo, totally freaking out. In all fairness, it wasn't the consequences that scared him, it was the possibility of something happening and preventing them from taking the step they both felt they needed to take. The prospect of their jobs interfering with their lives, as it had already done one too many times, kept conjuring in his head apocalyptic scenarios: a shootout, a bomb, an abduction attempt, a terrorist attack, a sniper targeting him, or worse: her – God, he couldn't go on like this, maybe he needed a career change. He took another deep breath and ran his hand through his hair – something he was used to doing when he was extremely nervous – and tried to calm himself. After all, they were highly trained agents: what could go wrong?
From his position, he could hear his mom sniffing. He tried not to look at her, afraid emotions would finally crush him, but he couldn't resist. When their blue eyes met, both their faces cracked up in huge smiles. Roberta nodded at him, proud of the man her little boy had become. She had never quite forgiven herself for what she had let happen to him. She was so weak, so powerless, so lost in love for a man who had only ever used her and, were it not for her little boy, killed her together with everything she cared about. They had never talked about it, until Marty had been arrested and it had turned out that she shouldn't have been scared to talk about it. It turned out that he had never blamed her, and the only regret he had was that he didn't do it sooner. It had broken her heart to think that he blamed himself for not acting sooner and at the same time, it had made her even more proud of him, because he hadn't let what had happen to him crush him. Instead, he had transformed it into the thing that drives him, that makes him do the right thing: serve and protect.
He turned around and met Sam's gaze, approval and reassurance in his eyes. He had already been there with his wife, a few years back, so he probably understood better than anyone else his current feelings and the encouragement he could see in them, mixed with what he could only define as support and at the same time authorization helped him relax a notch. He didn't exactly know why, maybe it was because at first Sam was the one who trusted him the least, him being a cop, so different from the others, that he had always felt the need to prove himself to him, as if Sam's trust and approval meant something the others' couldn't. And even though the banter and mockery had never stopped, not that he really wanted it to stop, Deeks knew that, since the abduction, since having protected his wife at the expense of his own life, Sam trusted him with everything and believed in him, blaming himself for having so badly misjudged him before.
He then turned his head to look at Callen, his team leader, the person whom he could relate to, to make sense out of their past. Their experiences had been very different, but they both went through much more than any kid should and, though they had never really talked about it, because neither of them was really good at talking about it, they both felt the other could understand, no questions asked. Callen simply nodded, proud that his two coworkers had made it till there and approving. He had always perceived something between the two of them, from the first time they had seen each other he had known that they had incredible chemistry, such as he had rarely ever had with anyone. And, of course, he was worried when they had decided to cross the line and give in to whatever feeling there was between them, because in their line of job caring too much about someone else makes you do stupid things, but he had to admit that except for a few disparate moments the two had managed to adjust themselves and figure out how to make everything work smoothly. He liked to consider himself as Kensi's big brother, much as Sam did, and though at first he wasn't really sure of the Detective, with time he had started to really appreciate him, knowing Kensi could trust him completely – after all he had been the one saving her and them all, really, from Afghanistan, as much as he had done in many other assignments. So he smiled at him, understanding how worried and nervous he must have been in that moment and trying to reassure him with the fact that they had their back, ready to intervene if anything went wrong. He saw Deeks relax a bit and turn his head towards the ocean.
The light breeze was gently ruffling his scruffy blond hair as he stopped thinking about anything for a moment or two, focusing his attention to the scenery surrounding him. The place looked amazing, just like they had imagined when they were planning it: a few white chairs forming a small aisle, at whose end was a nice little arch, decorated with white and blue lilies, the rising sun coming out of the water and coloring the atmosphere in a pinkish hue. It was simple, cozy and perfect, just like the two of them: him, the ocean, and her, the sunshine.
It was a morning like this one, a few months back, the sky of the same pinkish hue, a soft breeze caressing them while they walked hand in hand, her face lightly resting on his upper arm, when it all happened. They had spent the night on a comfortable blanket on the beach, eating ice-cream, looking at the stars, softly whispering to each other, gently kissing and cuddling. He had stopped her, all of a sudden, bringing her close to his chest and just holding her there for a few moments, breathing in her scent, his sunshine and gunpowder, the combination of her lavender shampoo, her natural smell and what made her just her. He had planned grand things, but in the end he had figured out that he didn't need anything more than her and waiting just didn't make any sense. He needed her and only her – the rest was superfluous. After having hugged her close to him for a few moments, gathering strength and courage, he had got down on one knee, his deep blue eyes instantly locking with her mismatched ones. He had seen astonishment, then anguish (with her past who wouldn't), and finally happiness and love, more love than he ever thought he could see in them. He had hesitantly smiled at her, almost asking for permission to do what they both knew he was about time that he did. She had almost imperceptibly nodded, her lips tightly closed in an attempt not to cry, as tears welled up in her eyes.
"You once asked me what I thought was going to happen if we crossed the line and became more than just partners…I answered you that I didn't know and that I didn't care…I certainly didn't know we would have ended up right here, right now…and I still don't know what's going to happen in the future, but the thing is that…as long as I'm with you, as long as you're at my side, I don't care what's going to happen, because I know that with you, there is nothing I can't face…Kensi Marie Blye, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, however short and troubled, but incredibly perfect that will be…will you marry me?". Deeks had choked up towards the end, his hand slightly trembling as he took the ring from his pocket, his watery eyes never leaving hers.
Happy tears were streaking Kensi's beautiful face, she couldn't deny being tremendously scared, she had already been there before and things had turned out terribly, even though it had meant that she had had the chance to meet this incredibly amazing scruffy LAPD Detective, who had changed her life. She had taken a deep breath, leaving all the uncertainties aside, loving this man so much and knowing his so perfectly to be confident that they could make it, and had stuttered a "Yes" before emotions had overwhelmed her and she had found herself at a loss for words. If someone could make it, then it was them. After all, contrary to hundreds of years of scientific evidence, he, better yet, they believed that raccoons do mate for life. They believed that no matter the hardship, they were it for each other and that they could make it work.
Deeks had slowly slipped his ring on her finger and kissed her hand before getting back up on his feet and placing the most tender of kisses on her lips. He had then slid his arms around her back and held her close for a few moments, the world stopping completely. "I love you, Kens…always have…always will…"
"I love you, too, Marty…so much…"
The sound of people raising from their chairs and the sudden silence that followed brought Deeks back to reality. He slowly turned around and saw Kensi. His Kensi, even more beautiful than the last time he had seen her. A white lace dress hugging her naturally tanned body, her dark hair in an elegant tress and a small bouquet of blue lilies in her hand. His breath hitched in his throat at the sight of her, so gorgeous, so simply her. She looked up and smiled tenderly at Granger, the only person her father ever trusted, as he held her by the arm while they approached the end of the aisle. The moment her eyes met Deeks's her smile brightened up her entire face. It was the same smile she had given him when he had asked her to take a look at his gun, trusting her with it. The same smile when he had first showed up at her doorstep with a burger for him, a smoothie for her and beer. The same smile when he had told her that everything would have been fine and that he hadn't believed even for a second that she was the one killing off her father's team. The same smile he got when he remembered what she was wearing the first time he saw her. The same smile he had received when she had rightly guessed that he was thinking about Monica Lewinsky when she was going undercover in a power suit, as he called it. The same smile he got when he described her fish as sexy as it glided through the water. The same smile when he had confessed to having being a stripper – correction: exotic dancer. The same smile that had brightened up her face when he had told her that she smelled like sunshine. The same smile when he had finally opened his door and let her in after his torture. The same smile that had cracked her face when they had decided they could figure their thing out. The smile when they had finally kissed after deciding to go "all in". It was the smile that he could only define as perfect, the smile Thapa had told him about, the smile that had got him through his torture, the smile he was sure he will never grow tired of seeing.
Granger smiled at him and carefully hugged Kensi, before stepping aside, gently placing her hand in Deeks's. The moment their hands touched he couldn't help thinking about the first time he had taken her hands in his, before pulling her out of the room with all the lasers, his thumb gently stroking her soft skin. He smiled at her and mouthed an "I love you", to which she immediately answered with another of her signature smiles – her "I love you" just a bit more than a whisper. Fingers entwined, together they walked till the small flowery arch, where Hetty stood, ready to officiate the wedding.
There they were, ready to take the next step. Nothing would have changed, they both knew that marriage was just a piece of paper. Yet, they could not deny that they felt the poignancy of the situation. It was suddenly becoming all very real. The moment their eyes met, all signs of insecurity and anxiety - the same insecurity and anxiety he had felt when Kensi had confronted him on the ice rink, and he still wasn't sure where she was going and he thought that she was finally closing the door on their possible relationship - immediately forgot, vanished as they had when she had added "with you" to her words. Determination, happiness and love, the emotions dancing in their eyes as they listened to Hetty's wise words. Deeks's voice cracked towards the end of his "I do", while he was slipping the simple wedding band on her finger and giving her hand a little squeeze, tears of happiness welling up in his eyes. She smiled and blinked back a few happy tears herself as she slipped the wedding ring on his finger, whispering her "I do" and smiling as her voice broke by too much emotion.
He then placed his hand on the back of her head, his thumb gently caressing her cheek as he brought her close, their lips brushing in the most tender of kisses. The feeling of her soft lips on his reminding him of the first real kiss they ever shared, not the first one as their undercover selves, which was still perfect, but it didn't hold so much meaning. No – their first real kiss, the one on top of that hill, while they were backing up Sam and Michelle. He would never forget that moment. How he had got on his feet, determined to say something that he actually meant, because he couldn't take it anymore. The previous mission with Monica had disrupted their partnership, and he didn't know how to move from there, but then Hetty had sent him that message, Sunshine and Gunpowder, and everything had seemed to make sense once again. It was as if she had managed to get him back to reality, to what was really important. So, when Kensi had decided to leave, muttering against his lack of communication skills, he had to act, to make her understand the depth of his feelings for her. He had placed both of his hands on her face and had brought her close to him and kissed her. It was quick and he probably didn't even give her the chance to respond to it, but he had put all his feelings for her in that simple brush of lips. So difficult, yet so inexplicably easy. As easy as it had always been to imagine a lifetime together, living happily ever after. Hands clapping and a few sniffing sounds brought him back to the present moment. He opened his eyes as they broke apart, yet never taking his eyes off of hers or his hand away from hers. They had been so scared of this part, the sharing-intimate-feeling-in-front-of-a-crowd part, yet, somehow, it hadn't mattered anymore, they were together for eternity, nothing else mattered, and they both knew it.
"Did you ever think, the first moment you saw me that we would get here?" her voice was tickling his neck, as she softly asked him while they were slowly dancing, her shoes and his jacket forgotten somewhere else.
Deeks smiled, going back to the moment when she had entered the MMA gym: "No, except for the fact that I knew you were trouble" he chuckled at her hurt expression, but then sobered up and truthfully whispered: "I would have never even hoped for this to happen…it still sounds too good to be true…".
She slightly chuckled and looked towards their friends chatting and having fun. "It does…I can't stop thinking all of this is just a dream, and that I'll eventually wake up nine years ago, the day after you started working at NCIS…with all that we've been through being just the work of my imagination". He smiled and playfully pinched her arm. "Ow! What was that for?" her laughter ringing in his ears.
"To prove to you that this…all this is real…" there was laughter in his tone, but seriousness and truthfulness in his deep blue eyes. He then smiled at her and brought her closer to him. His arms holding her protectively as they slowly danced together. So similar to when Hetty had made them waltz in the gym to learn to work together, yet so puzzlingly different. Back then they were still learning to be with each other, they were still gauging themselves, while now, after so many years together, they didn't even need to think, they just danced, worked, lived, without even having to consider the other's next move, because, instinctively they already knew what it would have been. She smiled back at him, never taking her eyes off of him.
"I am really glad the LAPD set you up for that undercover op…otherwise, I would have never met you…" She smiled at how cheesy and sappy she sounded, but couldn't stop thinking how true that all was.
He lightly shook his head: "I think in a way or another, we would have met anyway…I can't believe that something as great as this could just be the result of a fortunate coincidence…"
"So you think it was destiny that we met each other?"
"I do…I can't think that in another universe, were I didn't become a cop, I didn't meet you…it's cheesy, but I don't think it'll be possible for me to live without you…I think that in the end, no matter the circumstances, we would have ended up together…"
She grinned and chuckled: "Oh yeah?"
He nodded enthusiastically: "Yeah…if I'd had a normal childhood with a loving father and no problems, I probably would have continued to be a lawyer, and I would have met you at a party…we would have fallen in love and here we would be…" They both laughed hard at his improbable and playful description of their alternative lives.
"Or maybe it's exactly the choices we've made in consequence of the events that actually happened to us that brought us here and, maybe, it was destiny for us to make those choices…who knows?"
He smiled at her and brought her even closer, his arms tenderly and protectively holding her, as if scared that she might actually be taken from him. She usually wasn't one to surrender or to let others protect her, because, well, she could take care of herself. With Deeks, however, it was a whole other story…he was the only person she trusted, the only person who had always had her back and the only person who could make her feel better. He had always been there for her, from the first moment they had been partnered up. He was very careful not to completely cross the line she had drawn between them, always testing it, always trying to get through, but never forcing his way in, sensing how important their partnership was. He remembered holding her close to him after he had saved her in Afghanistan, the way she had looked at him, as if almost asking him to hold her close, to reassure her that it was all over, that she was safe, that he had her back. It had broken him to see her lost expression, her hollow eyes, and her flowing tears. The months following her abduction had been hard for her, but he had never given up on her, just like she had never given up on him when he was the one who had been tortured. His mind drifted to all those nights spent at her apartment, on her couch, the both of them always falling asleep in each other's arms, too comfortable where they were to move. When he had been tortured things had been different, he had kept her out, not wanting her to see him in his broken state, he had thought it would have been too much for her. But then, she had come to his house, made him open his door and the moment she had greeted him with a simple smile and a "Hi", every reason as to why he should shield her out went out of the proverbial window, because in that moment, when their eyes met, he just knew what Nate had been talking about. He needed Kensi, he needed his partner, the woman he was sure he had fallen in love with, the woman he had kissed on top of that hill because he couldn't fake it anymore and, even if he was too chicken to admit it with words, he needed her to know what he really meant, what he really felt.
He opened the bathroom door to meet the frame of his beautiful wife, still wearing her dress, looking out of the French window, towards the ocean, clearly deep in thought. His heart nearly stopped as emotions overwhelmed him. He had found her exactly like this a few hours after he had proposed, deep in thought, yet, somehow peaceful. He stopped for a few moments, watching her from the doorframe as he let memories of probably the most intense conversation they had ever had flood his mind.
He had walked towards her, but had decided to stop a few steps away, wanting to give her some space.
"Ehy, um…you good?" his voice hesitant. "Already regretting your decision?"
She had turned her face towards him and had smiled at his attempt at humor, she knew he was only doing it because he knew something was bugging her. "Why did you stall us? Why only now?"
He had raised an eyebrow and had taken a deep breath. That wasn't what he was expecting, but deep down he knew it was fair enough. She deserved to know the truth. He had got closer to her and had grabbed her hand, intertwining their fingers, but somehow avoiding her gaze. He had slowly released another deep breath. "Because of my past…of what I did..."
"Because of…Boyle…? Marty…I would've…"
"Kens, I couldn't tell you because I knew it would have changed what you thought of me, and as much as you only ever want me to see the best part of you, so do I. It was the only thing I could do, that, or he would have killed Tiffany and who knows how many more...but I am not proud of me..." he paused and gulped some air. "And…and at the same time I couldn't let things move forward without you knowing who I really was, without knowing what I had really done…and I can't tell you how many times I tried to tell you, but I just couldn't seem to…"
Kensi had tightened her grip on his hand as tears had started to well up in his eyes.
"And then I decided that it was in the past and I thought that I could bury it deep down inside and never let it out, deal with it on my own, because I had realized that I couldn't live without you anymore…but then the all Internal Affairs investigation started and at that point I realized I couldn't tell you even if I wanted to, because I had to protect you and if it turned out that you knew…it would have been the end of your career as well…and I couldn't let that happen…I was sure you would have lost me…you couldn't lose something else as well...it would have been too much…"
He had taken a deep breath and for the first time in the whole conversation had looked at her directly in the eyes. What he had seen there, behind the thin veil of tears was comprehension and love. "But when it all ended I knew that was it…there was nothing for me to do, but tell you the truth…I saw how you defended me, how you believed in my innocence, how you loved me to the point that you didn't care if I was guilty or not…I knew I had to tell you…I had to be honest with you…give you the chance to see the real me…". He had paused then, remembering Hetty's words to him about keeping secrets. He had already decided he would have told her everything, leaving to her to decide whether she still wanted him or not, but what Hetty had told him had given him the final kick in the butt. He had to decide: his secret or Kensi, he couldn't keep both. And in that moment, after that couple of tough days, he just knew he didn't have the strength to hide it from her anymore. He loved her and she deserved the truth, she deserved to decide.
"I almost told you, that night, when I came home…but you looked at me like I was the best thing in the world…and I just couldn't…I decided to give us one last happy time together…because I knew the moment I'd tell you, you would've run away…"
"I love you, Marty…how could you think that I would have run away? I am always going to be there for you…" she had brought him close and hugged him tightly. "You know, when I figured it out, when I understood that you had actually killed him, you know what frightened me the most? It was the fact that I didn't care…I didn't care if you had done it, because I love you and I know you and I trust you and I knew you must have had a good reason to do that…" he had looked down at her, his blue eyes watery, his expression doubtful. "You are not a cold-blooded killer, you are not your father…you are the one who fights against all the evil in the world to protect those who need it…and I love this about you…I love you everything about you, Marty"
"I must have done something really good to deserve you…"
At that Kensi had smiled brightly and had held him close to her. "You certainly did, 'cause I'm marrying you!"
He had smiled in silent appreciation for her attempt at lightening the tone of the conversation. "So, you're not regretting your decision? You still want to marry me?"
"Of course I do, you know that! And, Marty? Thank you!"
He had frowned: "What for?"
"For trusting me enough to let me see the real you". He had smiled and kissed her, thanking whatever divinity that ever was and that there will ever be that she was still there with him.
"Already regretting your decision, Mrs. Deeks?" he said, repeating the words he had playfully said to her not that many months ago.
She grinned at her new name. "Definitely not regretting the best thing ever to happen in my life…I love you, Marty".
He grinned back at her, happy to hear her pronounce those words, and got closer to her, placing his hands on her shoulders and lightly kissing her shoulder, her neck, her ear, finally her lips.
It brought him back to the first time they had said "I love you" to each other. It had been a crappy day, they had woken up and started fighting, Sam had been shot, they had to fight against an army of Gurkhas and, to cap it all, Thapa, one of the few real friends he had ever had, had been shot and killed. They had decided to take a night off every now and then, and though Kensi had been relieved, she knew that that particular night wasn't the right night to let him alone. So she had showed up on his doorstep, at 00:01, reminding him of their previous conversation, of how to quote the fairy godmother, the day ends when the clock strikes midnight. He had been so happy to see her there, the events of the day taking their toll on him. He hadn't not even for a second stopped thinking about what Thapa had told him about everyone carrying in their hearts an expiration date, and how, though nothing can be done about it, everyone spends so much time trying to do something about that, when all everyone really needs to do is being ready. That was when he knew he had to tell her, because if something happened to them, he needed her to know how much he loved her. They were lying in his bed, kissing passionately and shedding clothes, when they suddenly stopped their frantic movements and looked in each other's eyes, her hand stroking his soft hair, while his was gently caressing her cheek. And just as he was about to tell her, she had surprised him whispering "I love you, Marty…" His heart had stopped, never expecting her to be the one to say it first. He smiled hugely, repeated her words and kissed her with intensity.
His mind turned to the present moment, his lips still on hers: "You okay?"
She nodded and looked at her feet, before locking their eyes: "There is something I need to tell you…"
So, evidently this was their place for heartfelt confessions. As long as she was with him, it was fine with him. He waited patiently for her to gather her wits and couldn't help the crooked smiled appearing on his face as she opened and closed her mouth several times, without actually managing to say anything. It so much reminded him of when they had finally decided to go "all in", to stop being safe and walking on eggshells and be bold together. He kissed her, like he had kissed her then, leaving her breathless, but evidently giving her courage to go on.
"I know we haven't really considered it as a real option, though we have sort of talked about it, in our curious communication style…but…um…" she didn't know exactly how to say it, so she picked up the little box she had taken while he was in the bathroom and handed it to him.
He arched an eyebrow and frowned in a typical Deeks manner and carefully opened the box. His breath hitched in his throat, his mouth hanging open in a surprised expression, not unlike when he had found out that she had bought him a cronut. His hands started shaking, happy tears welling in his eyes as he looked at her. "Oh my God, you're…you're preg-…you're pregnant" his voice breaking up with emotion. Kensi nodded, happy tears rolling down her cheeks at his reaction. Both of Deeks's hands settled on her face as he kissed her, their lips brushing together, tongues caressing, in what was one of the most passionate, yet tender of kisses. "I love you, Kens"
"I love you, too, Marty…I am so happy right now…" she said as his hand slid to her belly and stopped there. There was something so tender and simple in that gesture that she couldn't help but smile at him. It reminded her of the time when they had babysat for Sam. She had been so scared, but when she had actually got there and played with the kids while Deeks made dinner, she had surprised herself actually having fun. And when she had tucked Kamran into bed, she had noticed Deeks tenderly smiling at the picture from the doorstep. Such a surprisingly domestic version of them.
"You're happy?! We did it, Kens…we made a mutant ninja assassin! I am the happy one!". He hugged her close as they both chuckled, both of their minds travelling back to their first assignment as husband and wife, when, sitting on the couch, a pack of frozen peas on her shoulder, she had confessed that she was actually starting to think about how nice it was to have someone to say goodnight to at the end of the day. He had immediately accused her of going all soft on him, but he was actually smiling inside: after all, it was him she was saying goodnight to.
She sobered up and looked him in the eyes: "You know…this is gonna be hard…with our job and our lives…but…I want this and I know that we can do this…"
He nodded in agreement: "Of course, we can! If anyone can, then that's us!" He kissed her again, his lips gracing her exposed skin, his hands caressing her body, as hers settled on his neck, bringing him closer yet.
They were lying in bed, her head resting on his shoulder, one of his arms holding her safely close to him, the other had settled again on her bare belly. She smiled thinking how he had never been gentler when making love to her, and moved her hand to rest on his heart, her fingers lazily tracing some random pattern on his skin, as both of their breathings evened out. His mind drifted off to all of those simple, little things that had made them them. Their banter, their innuendos, their looks, their smiles, their trust in one another, everything. He tried to think back to the moment he had actually fallen in love with her, finding it extremely difficult to pinpoint an exact moment in time when the penny had dropped. It sounded like he had always been in love with her, like they had always been in love with each other, though he knew that wasn't true. It was a combination of gestures, of words, of looks, of actions that made him understand that she was the one, that however complicated things could have got, however harder the job would have been and however difficult it must have been for both of them, with their background, to trust and love again, it was all worth it. Because it was them and they had one hell of a thing.
Right before falling asleep his eyes wandered to a huge Argentinian cactus they had in their room, a gift from Hetty, when they had announced their engagement (not that they needed to, apparently she already knew). A beautiful flower had bloomed the night before, making them smile and chuckle, Hetty's words from a few years back coming back to their minds. The more he thought about them, the more he realized how perfectly it represented Kensi and him (which would be the only explanation as to why Hetty had even bothered to tell that particular tale). The fact was that they were the two lovers, indeed, whom circumstances didn't really forbade them to marry, but certainly made it really hard for the both of them to even consider something more than just plain friendship. And, in a way, they had managed to run away from all of that, and found refuge in law enforcement, following a difficult road that, eventually, brought them up into the mountains. And, Hetty – well, she was their goddess, the one who had found them, brought them together, made them trust and rely on each other, and sanctioned their life together. He smiled and gently stroked Kensi's back thinking how lucky, all things considered, he had been. He surely didn't know if things would have turned out this way anyway, if in a way or another they would have met because it was destiny that they did. But there was one thing he knew: he wasn't willing to take his chances, he could not risk it, and even if he had a DeLorean and he could go back in time, he knew he wouldn't change one single thing. Sure, they were not perfect, and their story wasn't perfect, but it was perfect for them: he – the giant cactus – protecting her – the delicate yet strong flower – for all eternity.