A random angst idea that I happened to think up at three in the morning cause of feelings. So this is what came into my head. Un-betaed and quickly written over one night, so bare with me. Anyways, I might write a second chapter, but I just like torturing you all so much~
Shuuhei knew from the moment that it started that he was nothing more than a replacement. He told himself he wouldn't get attached, wouldn't come to enjoy the lust and sensations forced upon him. But whatever mindset he had been in then, he certainly wasn't now. His body as being used as a substitute for the one that had been lost. And even though he was told this time and again, Shuuhei couldn't help but fall for the man that was using him as an outlet.
Anyone would fall for such a beautiful creature.
It all started when Kuchiki Byakuya had decided that he and Abarai Renji no longer needed to be together. In other words, the noble man was leaving behind the redhead who had become so attached to him in the two years that they had been together. Shuuhei had sensed Renji's distress, trying everything to make him feel better, but even he knew nothing of soothing a heart that had been shattered.
For Shuuhei was broken himself.
And it was then that Renji, out of despair and broken-hearted rage, had raped Shuuhei. The brunette had done nothing to trigger the violent attack, but he had done nothing to stop it either. When it was all over, Renji saw nothing but a broken Byakuya, and cried himself until he could cry no more, apologizing profusely.
But not to Shuuhei.
It seemed logical that the brunette would end their relationship right then and there, but he was a forgivable person, and he had already done so. Even if being called Byakuya stung, he wouldn't let Renji go off and do what he wanted; no, friends were too precious to let themselves bring harm upon their own bodies.
But that hadn't been the end of it.
Every night it was the same thing, over and over again. Never once did Renji call him 'Shuuhei.' He was always Byakuya, always the man that wasn't allowed to belong to the redhead. But as the passion for the noble grew, so did his desire for Renji, and only Renji. All he wanted was for his broken friend to call him by his name, his real name. Not Byakuya or Bya, but Shuuhei. Even Shuu was fine, if only he wasn't the noble anymore.
But that chance never came.
It was about six months after Byakuya had left Renji that he appeared again. His appearance came suddenly, right after the redhead had finished with Shuuhei. In his state of mind, the brunette simply rested on the futon that had already been laid out. After the first ten minutes, he forced himself to get up and figure out where Renji had gone.
Which only proved to be a mistake.
Renji had Byakuya pressed against the wall, practically melting under his ministrations. "I'm so happy. I didn't think you were going to take me back," he heard the redhead murmur blissfully. One of his hands slid up the noble man's shirt, playing with what was hidden underneath. Shuuhei swallowed at the sight that greeted him, frozen to the spot. Several seconds passed of Renji making the raven unravel, before Byakuya's eyes slid open. The steel orbs were unfocused, but they instantly sobered up they spotted Shuuhei.
A small noise left Shuuhei's throat, and he could see that Byakuya immediately understood. But he didn't stay there long enough to see what happened next. Pain welled inside his chest, and although he knew that wishing for someone like Renji was completely out of the question, he had, even though he himself had been called Byakuya when they were together.
He got dressed as quickly as he could, hand searching blindly for the one thing he would allow himself to hold onto. Shuuhei folded up the bandanna and stuffed it into his pocket, reopening the door and beginning to head to the one that offered escape. His grey eyes caught Renji pacing by the couch, Byakuya no where in sight. He went to slip away, but the moment he walked by, the redhead called out to him. "Wait!"
Hand resting on the door handle, he debated whether to leave or not, but Renji had already come to stand by him. "Have I . . . have I really been seeing only Byakuya, all this time . . .?" Shuuhei didn't answer, staring down at the floor. "Have I honestly been with you this entire time, and called you Byakuya? Tell me!" Renji asked, voice laced with what Shuuhei thought to be disgust.
The brunette cringed under the sudden outburst. He only nodded, pain beating through his veins. A hand tangled into his shirt, yanking him up onto his tiptoes. "And you didn't say a fucking thing? You let me believe that you were Byakuya the entire fucking time?!" Shuuhei flinched, but he himself felt anger rise in his chest.
"Don't turn this around on me! You're the one who raped me and used me as a replacement!" Renji slammed him back against the door, eyes bright with anger. "I don't fucking care what I did to you! You led me on, let me believe that you were the one that I loved, and I fucking fell for it! You asshole!" Shuuhei let out a pained noise, struggling to get away.
"I'm the asshole?! Do you think that this hasn't affected me, Renji? Do you think that I just let you blindly believe it? I did it because I'm your friend! If it made you happy to think I was Byakuya, then I let you!" The redhead tightened his grip on Shuuhei's shirt, staring at him with an intense flame in his crimson eyes. His voice, when he spoke, was low and dangerous. "I may have affected you, but if you were truly my fri-"
"Don't even, Renji! You're the one who made me submit to you, and you're the one who stole my heart! You don't even have a fucking clue how much you're hurting me right now, staring at me like I killed your precious lover! I let you do what you wanted because I loved you, but I see that even with that, I was never your friend to begin with! So let go of me and I'll just go! It's obvious that I mean nothing to you, even after all of these years!"
Tears had involuntarily begun falling down his cheeks and he sniffled, raising his hand to wipe them away. Renji dropped him and Shuuhei turned, wanting to leave before things grew any worse than they already were. He was certain that after this, the redhead would no longer want to be his friend. It was true; Shuuhei had led him to believe that he was Byakuya, because he himself had fallen for Renji, and it was the only way he would ever be able to get close to him. Otherwise, he was nothing, a meaningless friend that would never be as valuable as Byakuya.
". . . do you really love me?" A soft murmur came from behind him. Shuuhei pressed his forehead against the door, the tears not yet ceasing. "Of course I do. I've always loved you, and when you actually wanted to embrace me . . . I grew so happy that I couldn't tell you to stop. It was a wonderful feeling, that you wanted to be with . . . well, I guess I couldn't say me. I was just happy that I was embraced by you, even if it wasn't me you were actually seeing."
"I can't be with you. You're my friend, and I admire you, but there will never be a chance that I could get with someone like you." Someone like you. Shuuhei figured as much. It was always that; he wasn't good enough, not even for Renji, or Izuru, or Kensei, or anyone else.
He was nothing but the halfway point, the one who gave and recieved friendship. But that would be it. Otherwise, the brunette was nothing.
"Renji, before I go . . . can you say it, just once?" He whispered. Shuuhei wanted one thing and one thing only. It was all he wished for, all he desired to hear before his heart truly broke. "Say what?" The words were quiet, dripping with irritation.
"My name. It's been six months, Renji. Six months. I want to hear it one more time. Even if it's the last time you say it, even if it's the last time I see you, I want to hear it. Please, just one last time," he pleaded, hand turning the door handle. Silence stretched from seconds to minutes, and Shuuhei began to wilt. Of course he wouldn't say it, not even if it were the only thing he wanted. ". . . I'm sorry for being such a burden," he murmured, slamming the door behind him. The only thing he wanted was denied. A sob left his throat and he ran, unsure of where he was going.
As Shuuhei's reiatsu faded off in the distance, Renji balled up his fists and stared at the ground. "Shuuhei," he said in disgust. "Shuuhei." Why it had to be him, he didn't know. But in the anger that began to drain from his features, he started to realize that it wasn't all a dream, that the person he had raped and used was, in fact, Shuuhei. He fell to his knees, staring up at the door in pained shock. The redhead had destroyed one of the few people he allowed himself to care about- and he had blamed Shuuhei for all of it. "Shuuhei, Shuuhei, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
But even he did not go after the broken brunette; no, there was no way he would be able to go after Shuuhei after that. Renji had stolen the man's heart, and he had ruined an already fragile being, had ruined the heart of a person he promised to protect, without so much as a drop of self-control.
All for a man that he no longer wanted.
"Shuuhei," he whispered again. Somehow, he had forced himself into thinking that the beautiful, rouge man was Byakuya. Somehow, Shuuhei had become the one he wanted. Somehow, Byakuya was the one he didn't want anymore. And now he was paying for it.
Probably going to write a chapter two, if you all want it. ^w~ But poor Shuubby, I just wanna cuddle him. Maybe I tortured my muse a little too much this time? Anyways, if anything is OOC, sorry about that. Until next time~ -Shuu