AN: SO IGNORE IF YOU DONT ACTUALLY CARE.
I'm back I guess. This is something I've had sitting in my ipod for a long goddamned time. I'm not gonna lie I did not properly grammar check this like I usually do and I probably should and will later on. However for now I ask that you enjoy this fic. I'm usually not that good with finishing things because I just don't feel the motivation to do so but this is something I actually really enjoyed writing and found myself giggling with it. My biggest lacking point in this story is the dialogue which I know is shit. But this was written in a style that was very different for me and I found it very hard to add in the dialogue at times since this story is mainly just Deidara reminiscing caused by current events that usually involve Tobi's badgering and etc.
I also apoligize if the characters come out OOC or if anything about the college life seems odd. I'm not actually in college right now and it was kinda hard to find answers to certain questions I had. This whole story is based off of the akatsuki college au on tumblr( post/60122715817/mine-and-alexis-incredibly-important-akatsuki), however I changed some things and added in some things to fill in all the little holes for my story.
Also a note of warning, there is foul language and some sexual content in this story. It is not overtly explicit but if you are looking for something lighthearted and fluffy you in da rong neighbahood sonny. There are also no official pairings as of now. Whether this turns into some odd Sasodei fic or deidara ends up fucking the hot mystery teacher with the huge tits depends on my mood. This will not continue for 100 chapter but I might do up to chapter 10. It depends.
K enough boring shit and excuses and rambling ignore me and go read now like seriously gtfo outta dis AN and go read and maybe even review i lurve reviews and critiscism about ma work.
Deidara despised the color orange. It wasn't just a simple dislike. It started with this annoying twerp at his job and then grew into genuine hate. He could not look at orange without feeling angry or just upset.
Thus Deidara was upset everyday.
He never understood how this idiot kid got away with it. He'll never understand why the boss even allows it. He just could not see why this kid was allowed to wear a goddamned mask to work every damn mask of course was orange and it had one eye. No one might think that this might prevent the mask wearer from working efficiently. It didn't. This dumbass kid got Employee of the Month every damn time.
Deidara had never particularly cared for that kind of stuff. But seeing this annoying kid get and hearing the boss lecture him saying, "You should learn from Tobi's example." just made his days get worse and worse. Deidara wasn't a bad employee or anything. He also wasn't the best. He was the type of guy who would serve you with a grumpy face, not even a hint of a forced smile or practiced cheeriness, and if you pissed him off he might even spit in your drink. The bratty kid tended to call him Squidward.
Let it be known that this kid was not just a normal kid whom Deidara perceives as annoying. This kid was annoying as all hell. He was a goody two shoes who constantly kissed the boss' ass and always had something stupid to say. How he wasn't a failure at life was beyond everyone's comprehension.
Which brings us back to the mask that this kid, Tobi, wore. Lets clarify the details though. This stupid mask had an eye-hole for only the left eye. It was a bright, obnoxious orange, with black lines to indicate the indents that formed a large spiral beginning from the sides of the mask and ending at the eye-hole. It covered his entire face, and he never took it off.
It infuriated Deidara to no end.
Deidara was a somewhat curious person. He observed things and people with his watchful eyes and generally disliked not knowing about something. To be blunt, he disliked not knowing what lay under Tobi's mask. And although he was curious he never watched Tobi, the kid was too annoying to even look at.
Deidara had developed a habit of avoiding or ignoring Tobi as much as possible. Especially on breaks or when their finally getting off work. He usually ran to the backroom, grabbed his shit and zoomed out before Tobi could catch up.
Today was not one of those days.
He blamed it on the coffee. Deidara always made himself a nice cup before leaving to work. He hated Starbucks coffee despite working there and would only take coffee he had made in the specific ways he made it. It never came out right when anyone but him made it. The coffee never woke him up but it certainly kept his weary eyes from closing. This morning he did not have such a pleasure.
He'll admit it. He probably shouldn't of went to Hidan's stupid party. Hidan threw parties that usually lasted for an entire weekend, everyone still awake and ready to party due to the weird drugs that are passed around. During the day it would be pretty chill. Some nice alcohol was brought in some kegs, a few joints passed around, and shitty, but relaxing music.
Then at night the orgies started.
Deidara had only been to the orgies held at night once and he never came back. His fun lasted for a total of 5 minutes after two guys looked for his "vagina" and tried shoving two dicks down his throat.
So he had attended the party and stayed right up until the orgy started. He had of course drank alcohol and was somewhat buzzed, though the cold walk home helped him stay focused. Then he drank some more when he got home.
Usually his body was set to wake up at a specific time that gave him ample time to clean himself, check out the news, and drink some coffee with a stale granola bar. He woke up an hour and a half late. Stumbling from his house in a hurry he continually cursed himself out for almost missing the bus and for not drinking coffee.
At work he could barely keep awake. His eyes continued to droop and he could swear that the defective coffee machine, which his boss insisted that it still worked, was being humped by snickering blue and green faeries with overly large breasts. Combining his grumpy attitude, sleepiness, and now a little horny made for a terribly irritable Deidara that shouldn't be bothered.
Of course Tobi either did not care or he did not understand.
He bounded over to the barely awake blonde, "Sup Deidara! Your lookin' a little sleepy!"
The moment Tobi had spoken was Deidara's breaking point. Tobi received curses his way for each thing he said and movement he made.
At the end of the work day was when IT happened.
As soon as the work shift ended he usually made it out of there before Tobi could approach. However it seemed as if the whole damn day was going to be an off day when he felt the kid touch him.
How disgusting.
But there was no escape now. Tobi would never let him leave without talking his ear off. It had happened once before so he knew that this day would not end as it usually did.
They had went to the mall. Deidara did not often come to the mall because he usually didn't have enough money and because he hated going to places like this in general. The mall was filthy and filled with annoying 13 year olds and seniors gossiping about dumb stuff. Tobi had dragged him there. He didn't agree or disagree, he just let the kid do whatever. The only upside (or downside if you look at it from Deidara's point of view), to this excursion would be seeing some of his old classmates.
And see his old classmates he did, as soon as he stepped foot within the cesspool of teenagers and greasy foods. On a dark blue segway, dressed in a white button up short sleeved short with black khakis was Uchiha. But not just any Uchiha. This was Itachi "Weasel Weed
Whacker" Uchiha. This was the guy who was known for smoking it up in a nice, three bedroom apartment with a weasel on his shoulder while he jacked off to
porn or got a blowjob from whoever he took home that night.
And there he stood in his Mall Cop outfit.
It was strange not seeing Itachi dressed in his previously usual attire of rich kid polo shirts, short beige golfer khaki's, and stupid upside down visor. But
strangely the uniform suited him.
The Uchiha approached them with a stone cold face to match his Cold Stone Creamery Double Scoop Chocolate Fudge Ice Cream.
"It's been a while Dei-dara," he said with an annoying emphasis on the hyphen and ended with a lick of chocolate ice cream.
"You became a fucking mall cop? What the hell happened to 'fuck da popo'?"
Itachi frowned at the memory of his not so distant youthful past. He indeed had previously held a disliking for authority figures. That dislike increased when
he entered college and was arrested twice for public intoxication.
"That was...the past. I grew up and found this place to my liking."
"You work at a large building that is filled with hormonal brats and idiots."
"I get free food and I can watch over Sasuke here. He works at Cinnabon in the
Food Court."
"Ah. I see," Deidara said with a hint of a smirk, "You still gotta thing for
Uchiha Jailbait, dontcha? Couldn't move on from everything from the past."
No, Itachi was not into his brother. The thought of that was absolutely sickening. He just liked to keep tabs on him. Very close tabs. Tabs that involved watching his every movement and following him home to make sure he got to the house safely. It was an inside joke in the fraternity that he wanted to
bang his little brother. A joke that, in Itachi's opinion, was completely unfounded.
Deidara laughed at Itachi's sudden refusal to speak.
"Yeah yeah I get it. Don't get your leopard thong-"
"That wasn't my thong and you know it."
"- in a twist. C'mon Tobi lets get outta here before Little Miss Weed Wacker gets all premature over his lil' bro."
Deidara snickered at the Uchiha's grunt, something he learned to recognize as annoyance that showed that Deidara had gotten to him.
They were not enemies at all, falling more into the category of friendly rivals. The two had met like Deidara had met everyone else, at his dumb fraternity. He
could never forget the first meeting between himself and the Uchiha.
But he desperately wanted to.
On Itachi's second week, Orochimaru decided to designate that specific day as a Drunk Derby Friday, a Friday that Orochimaru designated as the day they get smashed and act like dumbasses. It was mandatory if you wished to stay there, but Deidara preferred to hide out in closet for as long as possible before he was dragged into the stupidity and nonsense.
And jerk off.
He couldn't help it though. His science teacher always swung around these huge tits that always seemed to want to pop out of her tight blazer and the entire
lecture was almost wasted by trying not to cream his pants instead of taking notes. When it had ended he immediately left, embarrassed thoroughly by how
tented his pants had become and not wanting others to see. He had even climbed through his window to get his room which was on the third floor. As soon as he was inside he immediately began jacking off in his closet. Two minutes later did the thing happen.
It was something both he and Itachi never talked about. Neither of the two boys ever want to think about that terrible memory. They had agreed without speaking that no one needs to know about the weird thing that had happened. Even if Deidara told anyone he wouldn't know how to explain.
There he was on the floor of closet, almost about to finally get off to thoughts of his science teachers tits. The door flew open and before Deidara could even
react he felt a mouth on his dick. His hands clawed at the Uchiha's head and even tried tearing at his hair, to which Itachi began to hold Deidara's hands
away from him.
Itachi was giving a him goddamned blow job.
And by god it was fucking amazing.
Maybe it was the cruel fact that he was still a virgin or that he had gotten terrible head in the past, but nevertheless he quickly came all over the Uchiha's face.
As soon as it was over he began shrieking at Itachi who only slammed his head on the floor between Deidara's legs, slumped over, and fell asleep in response. It was then that Deidara noticed a small, empty plastic bag with small specks of blue inside falling out of Itachi's pocket.
He sighed, annoyed as ever.
Itachi was somewhat wild in his college days. Being that he was very much sheltered as a child, as all Uchiha's are, as soon as he got out of the house and into college he began trying anything and everything. Especially weird, unknown drugs.
Now Deidara had no fucking clue what that blue shit was but he was sure that this whole situation was caused by it. It had also caused Itachi to release his
bowels, in other words piss and shit covered his pants.
It took him a good hour to clean Itachi up and settle back into his room while dodging the partakers of Drunk Derby Friday.
Ever since Deidara literally wiped Itachi's pale white asshole and Itachi sucked on Deidara's dick they didn't quite see eye to eye, but there was a mutual
understanding and they both knew that they had each others back.
Tobi was a persistent fellow that insisted on being an annoying bitch no matter what, that much was clear to the unknowingly beloved blonde. He had bargained with Tobi, promising the lad two new whatevers if he promised to leave him alone afterward.
He had insisted on some dumb trinkets at Clair's and a small art shop to get orange paint for his mask which Deidara had noticed was beginning to chip.
As soon as Deidara walked into Clair's though he wanted to commit suicide.
There he was. Standing at one of the jewelry and nail polish racks and humming music from the shitty Bieber Direction band like some teen girl.
No, this was no ex-lover. Not a friend or sibling either.
It was the owner of their fraternity, Orochimaru.
He almost began to cry when the older, pale skinned male turned to see them. "Yo, wassup ma homies! Obrochimaru and Masta DJ Pein in the hizzhouse!" Obrochi- Orochimaru approached the two customers with his awkward "cool kid" walk.
Orochimaru was dressed as dumb as ever. The colorful silly bands that loosely adorned his skinny wrists barely detracted attention from the shitty obnoxiously colored shirt that he wore. His leather jacket had this overly large collar that was popped up and out to wrap around the back of his neck. Red high tops with dumb drawn on hearts and lyrics that covered his feet barely reached his high waisted jeans, the bottoms having been rolled up to show obnoxious looking high-knee socks. A red baseball cap with the drawn on words "Live Free" on the front adorned his head that was full of long black hair.
No one liked Orochimaru. No one. Except for his dorky "assistant"/fuckbuddy Kabuto, but no one liked Kabuto either. Not even Orochimaru liked Kabuto. He
just liked to noisily fuck him to annoy everyone at the dorms.
Orochimaru was this guy who was 50+ years who tried to be cool but came off as a douchebag. He allowed people to live in his dorm complex for a very cheap price. However it was mandatory that you must attend the social activities when available. Of course most people skipped out on the activities since they were
dumb and annoying, but Orochimaru had underhanded ways of dragging them out of their shells.
Deidara was so damn glad he was out of there.
Three years of college and an art degree with no particular aspirations did not really help him though once he got out.
The pale skinned gentleman laid a hand on the blonde's messy head. "You here to visit your totes fave BFFs?"
"Fuck no," Deidara denied, immediately putting a halt on Orochimaru's self-assumed friendship status, "I'm here because this dumbass forced me."
Said dumbass was looking back and forth between the two, his arms were holding what Deidara quickly estimated to be 100 or so Silly Bandz.
Fucking Tobi.
A sharp squeal of excitement destroyed Deidara's ears and left him with a ringing in his head.
"Like O. M. G. Is that the super rare Bieber Band?!" Orochimaru squealed while running toward Tobi, shoving Deidara into the store's counter where a mechanical voice requested twelve dollars for the bracelets.
Fucking Orochimaru.
Grabbing onto the counter to recover from the awkward fall, he looked up to see a pierced man staring him down. Deidara's eyes were drawn to the piercings among his face, recognizing the old ones first before noting the new ones, particularly the orange star earrings that matched his bright orange hair.
"So Clair's."
"If you make a single comment on it I'm charging you $60 extra."
And he would fucking do it too. The bastard's name was fucking Pein.
Fucking Pein.